


Paying the price

by singingpeople



Category: Divergent (Movies) RPF, Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-11 03:37:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 164,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8952355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singingpeople/pseuds/singingpeople
Summary: Being considered the black sheep out of a dauntless dynasty, it’s the turn of Eric´s youngest daughter to somehow get through initiation. When her messed up past, complicated family relationships and her instructor get in her way, it takes Lexi everything she has to go on.But will her strength be rewarded, or will she be paying the price for mistakes, that are not her own?





	1. Prologue

**It was just** another long and boring day at school. Or so I thought.

After the last bell had rung, successfully cutting of my faction history teacher, who had drowned on endlessly about the importance of erudite, back at the founding of our system, figures, I snatched up my bag and almost ran out of the classroom.

“Not so fast, Alexis.”

Groaning, I turned around slowly, dreading the conversation with the stuck up woman, I knew was to come. She was standing in front me, hands on her hips and eyebrows raised.

“Yes, Mrs. Walters?” Smiling sweetly, I knew she wasn’t buying any of my bullshit.

 

“You know exactly, what I want. This was the third time this year you forgot to hand in your assignment. I will have to inform your parents.”

Oh, how I hated that woman.

 

“But Mrs. Walters…” I whined, knowing Dad would give me hell for this. I didn’t want to endure another endless lecture, about how I had to be responsible and act for the greater good.

Apparently the fate of our faction was resting on my shoulders.

Bullshit.

Theo was the leader and for all I cared, he could stay a leader. Didn’t mean I wanted to become one, too.

Three in the family were more than enough, not to mention that, if Dad wanted a perfect daughter, he still had Harper.

 

I absolutely adored my parents, Mom was always there for me and Dad would never even let anyone mutter a bad thing about any of us. But they still saw me as the nestling of the family, being the youngest one I had always been sheltered.

By everyone except Harper.

 

My sister and I had a pretty complicated relationship. I had always looked up to her, but when she got older, there was one point in her life, when she suddenly started to see me as a liability.

Just because I once accidently told Dad I saw her making out with a guy in the hallway, getting her grounded for two weeks, because she told our parents she would have to finish a report and would spend the night at Krissy´s. Ever since then she tried everything to get back at me.

She even told Sam about the erudite I was texting with, once in a while.

I mean he is my best friend and I love him, but Sam is also a guy. And he really dislikes Freddy, even though I have no idea why.

 

Okay, that was a lie. Freddy, being 17, three years older than me, planned on transferring to dauntless next year, or so he told me. He may or not may have asked out Sam´s long time crush, Tiffany, a few months ago and ever since they had something like a personal vendetta against each other.

 

Either way it didn’t work out between Freddy and Tiffany and now he was somehow interested in me. I actually had no idea why.

He was the best looking guy in our school, except for one other erudite in his year. But he was kind of a reclusive snob, never talking to anyone, because he thought he was too good for the lot of them, so I stuck to admiring Freddy.

But the other one was simply beautiful.

 

I was pretty shy with people I didn’t know, especially with boys, so the advances from Freddy totally overwhelmed me.

Every time I received a message from him, in which he told me I was pretty, or that he would like to spend some time with me, I would get all giddy.

Sam would, of course, ask me why I was running around like a rabbit on peace serum, but I couldn’t tell him. He was one to hold grudges and I was sure he would ignore me, if he found out, I was texting Freddy, so I just didn’t confide in him

 

Doesn’t mean he didn’t figured it out himself.

Or maybe Harper had told him.

It really was the only thing we ever fought about, if you don’t count in the one time, when I had him on his back on the matt, while training and he claimed, that I had cheated.

I mean what the hell was I supposed to have done? Cursed him with my magic wand?

Ridiculous…

 

“ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!” Mrs. Walters screeched, making me cover my ears and grimace.

She really had a lovely voice.

 

“Of course, Mrs. Walters.” Realizing that I was blatantly lying, she just shook her head in despair, before shoving a book into my arms. “Chapter 15, 2-page essay until tomorrow. No matter what ´happens´ to you, I want it on my desk before the first bell. Now… Just… just get out.”

 

I didn’t need to be told twice, before hurrying out of the classroom. Letting out a deep breath in relieve, I knew I had just escaped the clutches of the evil witch at the last moment possible.

Dad would have had my ass, if he would have had to deal with another one of my obnoxious teachers, after the gym teacher told him, I had deliberately put the gym on fire.

 

How should I have known that their radiators would overheat if you put a piece of clothing over it. I just wanted to dry my shirt, that was full of juice. Sam had accidently spilled it over me at lunch.

So it really wasn’t my fault that the gym was on fire.

 

I didn’t feel like I deserved the compliments coming from the twins, but I didn’t deserve mess hall duty for a whole month, either.

 

Looking at the screen of my phone, I saw that I was almost late to catch the train and several messages of Sam asking me, where the hell I was.

If I would miss this train, I would have to walk and it was a long one, through creepy alleyways.

Not to mention, it was getting more dangerous each day.

 

Speeding up my steps, I made my way towards the front door, but as I was almost there, a door was opened and I was pulled into a dark janitor’s closet.

By reflex, I rammed by elbow into the person’s guts. From the height, I knew it was a man and I got ready to strike again, as my assaulter spoke.

 

“God damnit, Lexi, it´s me!” A click sounded through the room and I exhaled in relief, as I recognized the boy in front of me, before turning a deep shade of red, embarrassed by my actions.

“Freddy… Oh god... I´m so… I´m so sorry!” Stuttering, I clasped my hand in front of my mouth. “Are you okay?” 

Concerned, I went to grab his arm, but he waved me away, his handsome face contorted in pain. “I´m alright.” Freddy smiled courtly at me, only increasing my embarrassment and the guilt, I felt.

Did I mention already that I wasn’t good with boys?

Oh, yeah…

 

“So… why did you… drag me in here?” God, could I be any more pathetic. Harper was right. With my confidence no one would ever want me.

 

Freddy seemed to have recovered, because he was now smiling at me again, making my insides melt.

_He really had a charming smile…_

Stepping closer, he brushed one of my brown locks out of my face, playing with it between his fingers. His face so close to mine rendered me speechless. I couldn’t think any longer, couldn’t hear anything else but my racing heart.

I was putty in his hands.

  
“Your sister just finished initiation, didn’t she? She was pretty good, wasn’t she?” Freddy inquired, stepping closer. Furrowing my brow, I answered.

“Yeah, she came in third.”

Why would he ask me about my sister in a moment like this?!

 

Slinging his arms around my waist, Freddy pulled he flush to his chest. “And three of your family members are leaders? You are part of an important family in dauntless, aren’t you?”

Blinking rapidly, I asked myself what he wanted to achive with this information.

“I guess so…”

 

Freddy smiled widely, before tilting his head down, his lips only a few inches away from mine. “And have you ever been kissed before, Lexi?” He whispered seductively, making me freeze and sending my heart into overdrive.

 

“N.. No...” I choked out, only a second before his lips met mine. Staring at Freddy, his eyes closed and lips moving slowly, I had no idea what to do, so I placed my hands on his chest.

I mirrored his movements hesitantly, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do with my lips.

“Just like that, babe.” He moaned out, his hands wandering down my waist and grabbing my ass. As I squeaked in surprise, Freddy used the moment and slipped his tongue into my mouth, exploring it wholeheartedly, while I felt like someone had stuck a snail into my mouth. I was afraid to bite it on accident.

Or not.

He flicked his little snail rapidly over my own tongue, so I guessed that was what I was supposed to do to.

So I did.

 

While I was trying to coordinate the movements of my tongue and mouth all at once, I realized I still had my eyes open, so I quickly squeezed them shut. It helped a little, that his face wasn’t diverting my attention anymore, and soon I started to enjoy the whole ordeal a little.

Running my hands through his hair, he moaned again and pressed his lips harder onto mine. I felt like I was slowly getting the hang of it, so I returned the kiss with the same fervor.

It must have been several minutes of kissing him like that in the janitor’s closet, until Freddy started to pull away. I captured his bottom lip gently with my teeth, like I´ve read before. It made him smirk and press another peck onto my lips, before pulling away.

Catching my breath, I stared at him, until I registered the continuous buzzing in my pocket.

“Someone’s trying to call you.” Freddy remarked dryly, before running his hand through his disheveled hair, fixing it.

“Yeah… I´m sure it´s just Sam…” My reply was dragged on, my state of confusion making it impossible to form any lucid thoughts.

“Great.” Freddy muttered sarcastically, before smiling at me, but it looked kind of forced. “I have to go now. Have a great day.” And with a wink he was out the door, leaving me alone and utterly perplexed in the janitor’s closet.

.

.

.

My state of bewilderment, or maybe it was shock, hadn’t gotten any better, so I didn’t even realize I was walking, until I was in front of the school. Subconsciously, I rubbed my lips, feeling a strange tingling, that I was sure, wasn’t the result of my undying love for Freddy, but the pressure he put onto them.

Letting out a breath, I just now realized, that I had missed the train for sure now and would have to walk home.

Let´s just hope that kiss was worth it.

Shouldering my bag, I made my way towards the abandoned part of the city.

 

“Alexis! Where the hell have you been?!” Someone shouted from behind me and I froze on the spot.

_Shit…_

Turning around slowly, I forced a smile onto my face, but Sam had always been able to detect my lies.

Because I was the _worst_ liar ever.

Maybe I was candor…

 

“I have been trying to get a hold on you for 15 minutes.” No, Sam was not amused. “Now we have to walk home.” He still scowled at me, when I grabbed his arm and pulled him along. I wanted to get home and I preferred it to be before nightfall.

 

“Oh, you know, how Mrs. Walters hates me and the old witch threatened to call Dad. But she gave me another chance and you would be a darling to help me with it.” My tone was supposed to be nonchalant, but even to my own ears it sounded forced.

“Really, Lexi?” Sam grabbed my arm, spinning me around, towards him and gave me a deadpan stare. “So Mrs. Walters, kept you in her classroom for _15 minutes?_ ”

He was suspicious of me.

Never a good sign

“Yeah. Can we go on now?”  Changing the topic, I turned away, but he once again stepped into my way.

“So you tell me that Mrs. Walter, who walked out of the building five minutes after the bell rang, kept you 15 minutes inside with her. Or maybe it was Freddie, who left the school only a minute before you did, sporting the biggest shit eating grin I ever saw?”

I clenched my jaw and pushed him away.

 

“It´s none of your business.” Like every time we started to argue about something, I felt the need to defend myself, so walking away seemed the like the best option for me.

It certainly was better than to burst into tears, because I hated fighting with my best friend.

 

Too bad, Sam was faster than me. We were now somewhere in the middle of the most rundown part of the factionless sector.

“Like hell it is!” Sam shouted from behind me, before I heard him running to catch up with me.

“No, it’s not any of your business, with who I spend my time with! So stay out of it.” Doubling the efforts in getting away, they still were futile.

 

“It is my business, because that asshole is just using you!” Sam shouted at me. That statement made me whirl around, to face him. He was standing in front of me, only inches between us, so I jabbed my pointer finger into his chest.

“Freddy is _not_ using me!” I hissed. “For what would he use me _at all?!_ ”

 

Sam huffed at that, looking at me like I had lost my mind. “Well, _let´s see…_ He decides to choose dauntless. Not even a few days after his declaration in the cafeteria, where he told the whole school that he would deflect, which was if I may say so, _utterly stupid_ , Freddy _suddenly_ finds out, he is attracted to you.

 _Does it ring a bell?_ ”

 

“Bullshit!” I exclaimed, taking a few steps away from him.

 

“Really, what did he tell you? That you are _pretty_ , or did he place everything on one card and just _kissed you?_ ”

My flaring cheeks were answer enough for him and he just stared at me, his jaw slack. “You kissed him, didn’t you?

God… are you stupid.”

 

I chuckled at that, without a trace of humor, before cocking my head at my so called `best friend`.

He really hurt me with that.

“So now I´m stupid?!”

 

He lifted his hands up, as to show me it was obvious. “Well if you kissed him, then yes. You are stupid.”

Not quite believing, Sam would really say something like that to me, I took another small step back.

“So you don’t believe he could find me attractive in any way? Because the only way someone could want me is because of my last name?”

 

“YES?!” Sam answered in a D´oh! tone, as if I really was that senseless.

As I nodded curtly and hid my face behind my hair, to not grant him the satisfaction of seeing the tears in my eyes, he seemed to realize what he just said to me.

So he started to soothe me, in an appeasing and regretful voice.

 

“No, Lexi. I didn’t mean that you´re not attractive, because you are. But Freddy just wants you for your name, not for the great person that you are.”

Sam went to grab my arm, but I pulled it out of his grasp, before rasping out.

“Screw you.”

 

With that I took off and ran as fast as I could, not really paying attention to where I was heading. The tears blurring my eyes made that kind of hard.

 

“Alexis, stop! Please!” I heard Sam shout from somewhere behind me, but like hell I was going to stop, just so he could just insult me further.

 

Freddy wasn’t using me, no!

_But he asked about your family…_

No!

_You asked yourself why he would ever want you, so why don’t you listen…_

Stop it!

 

Sobbing heavily, I sprinted into an alleyway, leaning against the wall, slipping it down slowly. I didn’t register the dirt, or the cold, as I wrapped my hands around my knees and lowered my head onto them, letting the tears flow. 

 

From the main street I could hear Sam shouting my name, but I didn’t answer, only tried to keep my sons quiet. I stayed there, rocking forth and back slightly, until a can clinking on the ground, captured my attention.

My head shot up and I looked into the face of a filthy man.

He wore torn and tattered clothes, stains littered over them and as he smiled, he bared two rows of rotting teeth at me.

Factionless.

 

“There´s no reason to cry, love. No one here will harm you.” I stared at him with wide eyes, as my breathing quickened. I slowly pulled myself upright, never swaying my gaze away from him, brushing away my tears.

This wasn’t good.

Not at all.

 

Gulping heavily, I took a few steps backwards, ready to bolt. But as I turned around to run away, another man appeared in front of me, blocking my path.

I was cornered.

 

The second one looked a little bit more put together, but was really captured my attention, was the machine gun in his hands.

Fear threatened to choke me up, as more and more men appeared, closing me in.

My only change of rescue was to scream and it was a slim one at that.

But I did it anyway.

 

“SAM!” I screamed from the top of my lungs, before lunging at the men that had appeared first. Ramming my shoulder into his guts, managing to bring him down, but as I tried to escape into one of the buildings, through a broken window, I felt a pair of hands on my waist pulling me back.

I only managed to scream, before the factionless hurled me against the wall of the building on the other side. My head taking the hit.

Hard.

Stars exploded in front of my vision and pain erupted inside my whole skull.

 

Trying to get up again, I braced myself on my elbows, drowsily touching the back of my head, that had taken the brunt of the hit. Bringing my fingers back down, they were slick with a sticky substance.

Looking at it, I realized it was blood.

 

Suddenly, someone grabbed my hair, pulling me upright again. I cried out loud, as it pulled on my already open scalp.

 

“Shut up, bitch!” The guy, that had thrown me, hissed into my face, before slapping me with all his strength.

My whole head was moved by the force and the world once again blurred before my eyes, just as I had managed to regain my sight.

 

So I only slowly managed to turn back around, as I heard a commotion from the opening of the alleyway.

The shouts took a while to get to my dazed brain, but when I understood them and what exactly they meant, I once again started to struggle in the man’s grasp.

“LEXI! LEXI!“ Sam screamed in despair, before he threw himself on top of one of the guys, hitting his jaw.

But there were too many of them.

Simply as that.

 

I could only watch, rendered incapable of helping him or even shouting at him to watch out, as the factionless behind him grabbed a pipe and hit him with full force.

Sam didn’t even see the blow to his head coming, before he fell face forward onto the pavement.

Unmoving.

 

“Sam…” I breathed, as tears streamed down my face, so I lowered my head, not wanting to see any of that any longer.

 

Like this, I could pretend this wasn’t happening.

I could pretend I was still in the closet, making out with Freddy.

Or at home fighting with my sister, or reading, or…

 

“Take him with you.” An authoritative voice commanded, that was followed by shuffling. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone crouching down in front of me. “Who do we have here? Lexi, right?”

Slowly raising my head, I came face to face with a well-kept man, that seemed to be in his late thirties. But the mixed colours of his clothing told me, he was still one of them.

A factionless.

 

“Please excuse our impoliteness, but it was necessary.” The guy smiled at me, making my skin crawl.

There was nothing he should be smiling about.

“Who the hell are you?” I managed to get out, as I tried to concentrate, but everything was blurring in my mind.

 

“Oh, of course. How rude of me. My name is Edgar and the both of us are going to have a lot of fun together.”

 

It was the last thing I heard, before I felt a sting on my neck and everything went black.

 


	2. Chapter 1

I bolted upright, sitting up on the bed in my room, gasping for air. Holding my hand to my aching chest, I tried catching my breath and calm down my racing heart.

Another one of those nightmares, that had haunted me, ever since that one, faithful morning. Letting out a deep breath, relieved that I was in my room, instead of that alleyway, I saw it was 5.38 am.

I had slept five hours. Longer, then I was used to.

Ever since Edgar made an appearance in my life, I was plagued by insomnia and if I managed to fall asleep at last, he was still there, waiting me in my dreams.

And when he was there, they were never pleasant ones.

 

 

The last three and a half years had been hell. There wasn’t a single soul in this damn city that hadn’t heard the story of my suffering.

Of my sacrifices.

The poor daughter of dauntless´ best known leader, that had been abducted and tortured by factionless.

In their eyes I was a broken, little girl, they had to pity.

The rest, that didn’t feel any empathy towards me, thought I was weak, not being able to escape a bunch of factionless in three months. But what they failed to realize was, that they weren’t just any factionless.

That they knew exactly, what they were doing.

Or that they were on a personal vendetta against my family.

 

Rubbing my face, I suppressed all thoughts of a small, cold concrete room, mocking laughter sounding through it, as I prepared myself, as best as I could, before they could pull me back into a place, I wouldn’t be able to get out again.

Peeling the blanket away, I rolled my aching shoulders. As I walked into the bathroom, adjoining my room, I realized I had took training a little too far yesterday. But the results of my aptitude test, that caused the need of an intense training session, had to be some kind of cosmically joke.

Turning on the water and waiting for it to become warm, I scoffed.

As if I would let someone, who sounded just like Jeanine Matthews, order me around. I knew her well enough, from her work with dad, to do anything that conniving bitch told me to.

So I didn’t.

As the dog came into the room, I just stared at it, unmoving.

Unyielding.

Until it realized, I was the one in charge, his alpha and submitted to me, rolling onto it´s back.

 

Eying my reflection in the mirror now, I asked myself why the appearance of the little girl later, that looked like a spitting image of myself, when I was twelve, had caused me to freeze. Unable to do anything, I just stared at her.

Even as the dog readied itself to attack, my gaze was glued to the child.

How that girl used to look like, a genuine smile adorning her face, her skin not yet marred by so many scars.

She was so innocent.

So naïve.

 

I didn’t order the dog to stop, even if I was sure he would obey me instantly.

I have thought about that a lot.

If I wasn’t able to do it, because the way she looked shocked me so much, or because I knew, she was better off with the dog killing her now, then going through what faith had in store for her.

 

Stepping into the shower and letting the scathing water run over my back, I chuckled at the memory of the facial expression, my administrator sported, when I came back to reality.

The nose was so dumbstruck, that he spluttered for at least two minutes, before I had enough of it and smashed one of the glasses, terrifying him to such an extent, he got calm again.

No doubt to avoid the rage, that I was known for.

Blame daddy.

 

 He then told me, he had never seen anything like my test. Apparently my actions were unique. Choosing nothing was Erudite, but only when one asked, why we were supposed to choose, just like submitting to the dog.

Choosing the knife and killing it would have been dauntless, while an amity or abnegation would have chosen the cheese. Sacrificing myself would have made me an abnegation.

 

But me, being… well me, I did nothing of this stuff. So apparently I was without an aptitude. The nose suggested, thrilled by the idea, that we could pay a visit to the head witch of erudite, to look further into this issue.

As I only stared at him, he soon retracted his offer again and told me that my dominant actions seemed to be dauntless, while the knowledge that a dog would submit under pressure, was erudite.

The test administrator wasn’t sure, so he just put dauntless into the system, but in reality, I had no real result.

I knew, why that was the cause. It was just, who I was.

Dead on the inside.

 

Because the moment, that little girl saw the light leaving her best friends eyes, was the moment every trace of hope, every single last piece of happiness vanished, leaving her insides as frigid, as the cement floor, she was forced to sleep on.

Leaving a dead soul in a still breathing body.

It was the moment that little girl died.

 

The only reason she was still breathing, was her drive for revenge. And she would get her vengeance, even if it was the last thing she would ever do.

.

.

.

Stepping into the kitchen, my still wet hair braided over my left shoulder, I was greeted by my parents, drinking coffee. Having heard me coming out of my room, Dad had a glass of orange juice ready, handing it to me.

Like usually.

As I took it, he started speaking, watching my reaction closely. “You slept longer than usual. That´s good.” Only shrugging my shoulders, I stole one of mom´s buttered bread rolls, shoving it into my mouth.

Mom was just smiling at me, as she turned the stove off, where she´d just made scrambled eggs for dad, who was now scrolling through his tablet, while taking the occasional sip of his coffee.

“You have been gone long yesterday night. And your knuckles are pretty bruised.” Mom started carefully and I exhaled deeply, knowing she would like to ask me another question, a more personal one. But was too nice to really do it.

Just like dad knew, so he put away the tablet, obviously annoyed and started to scrutinize me. “What your mother is asking so tactful, is if everything went alright with your test.”

Images of blood running out of a neck, a muzzle buried deep in flesh, spoiled my appetite and I threw the bun back on the table.

I was disgusted.

If by the gruesome scene, or by myself, I didn’t know.

Realizing her mistake, mom tried to backtrack, but it was too late. I had already grabbed my jacket and was halfway out the door, ignoring dad’s orders to come back and mom’s pleas to at least eat something, before disappearing again.

 

I knew, I was a bitch and that my family deserved something better, than a daughter like me, who ended up doing what she wanted, but it was still better, then to pretend that I was fine.

Because I haven’t been fine for a long time now.

.

.

.

Taking the key out of my pocket, I unlocked the front door, before stepping in. I was greeted by twins, stuffing their faces full of food, that littered the whole table. It was 7.30 am on a Saturday morning and it looked, as if the 23 year olds didn’t make it home after an excessive night of drinking.

I knew it, because I frequently accompanied them.

Alcohol was my best friend.

Alcohol and fighting.

Both managing to numb myself for a while.

But the strange thing was, that I never felt as alive as at the times, I was either beating something, or were drunk.

 

Casual sex would do it, too, but that was a lot more work.

Okay, that was a lie. I would just have to look at a guy and bite my lip suggestively and before I knew it, I was being fucked in some abandoned hallway.

Dauntless, never one for modesty…

 

“There is my favorite cousin!” Andy exclaimed, pulling me by my arm into his lap. Like always, he ruffled my hair, which I, by the way, _hated._

“Dude.” Jon said with wide eyes. “Don’t let Harper hear you say that, if you want to keep your balls.” I punched Andy, before trying to wiggle out of his grasp. But the only thing he did, was tightening his grip.

It was seriously unfair, that he was still stronger than I am, eventhough everything he did was drink, while all I did was train.

“Pleeeease. I can charm my way out of anything.” I could practically see his smug face eventhough my back was pressed to his chest. “And where do you think you´re going.” Andy addressed me, while effectively trapping my arms. “I bet, you haven’t eaten anything yet.”

_What was their problem?!_

I was eating… at least most of the time. But there were days, when I couldn’t stomach anything and their constant nagging didn’t make it any better.

 

Before I could roll my eyes in annoyance, I caught sight of Jon´s mischievous expression, a spoon full of eggs in hand. Eventhough I cowered back into Andy, the spoon didn’t stop coming closer and before I knew it, Jon had pushed the spoon into my mouth. Not wanting to spit it onto Tris´ table, I swallowed it out of necessity.

“That´s my good girl!” Andy patted my head, as if I was a dog. In return he got an elbow to his guts.

 

“Boys, stop harassing Lexi!” Tris came into the kitchen, swatting her sons with a kitchen towel. You could say, she was the only one, the twins were really afraid of.

Obeying his mother instantly, Andy released his death grip on me and I stood up as fast as possible, before punching his shoulder.

As he grimaced in pain, I smiled in satisfaction.

I didn’t like being touched by people, who weren’t close to me or if I was sober. Please note that I didn’t say friends, because I don’t really have any.

Not since…

 

It was my own fault, I know that. After I had come back, I just wasn’t the same anymore and everyone noticed. Not that I had many friends to begin with, no. But I had gotten along with most dauntless my age.

Nowadays not so much…

Aurora had been the last one to give up on me and as she did, I felt relief.

Because I didn’t want to pretend to be someone, I wasn’t anymore.

Maybe I would have been candor, if I hadn’t killed the guy on the train. But he reminded me of someone and was kicked out of the door in mere seconds. I didn’t even give him the chance to speak up.

 

The only people who put up with me now, were family members and I strongly believed, they only did it, because they were forced to, by social customs.

I still loved them for it.

 

Uncle Toby came out of one of the rooms, shirtless and carrying Sam in his arms. Samantha was the real reason I was here and they all knew it. She was the three-year-old daughter of Tris and Tobias and the only person in this whole compound, that could make me laugh genuinely. Her brown hair was the same color like mine, but her eyes were green.

Where that came from, I only had an assumption.

I adored that little girl to pieces and I am sure, if she would have been the child in my sim, the dog would have been dead, before it could even look at her.

 

Little Sam was my everything, just like as her namesake had been, before her. Because there was no day, when I didn’t miss my best friend and I felt guilty every second of every day.

Guilty for behaving like I did.

For being the reason we were captured in the first place.

For not being able to help him.

Guilty, that I survived, while he died.

 

“Lexi!” Sam shrieked and started moving around in Tobias’ arms, causing him to set her down. Fast as lightening, she was in front of me and I picked her up, whirling her around. The room was spinning around us, as I watched her adoringly. Sam giggled loudly, making me smile at her innocence.

It was so easy to make her happy and I prayed every day, that it would stay like that for a long time.

Forever.

 

Like usually when I would come here, I would play with Sam for an hour or two, always forgetting anything else, as I listened to her stories, before going to the training room.

That little girl was something akin to my safe heaven, always protecting me from the ghosts hunting my being, without even trying to.

 

When Samantha was on her way, almost four years ago, Tris had convinced my parents to let me join her in amity, which wasn’t easy at all. But in the end, she did it and I was overjoyed. Or whatever you call it´s depressed equivalent.

The cabins had been my safe place, where I was able to heal, at least a little. And Tris was my confident, always taking care of me, always helping where ever she could.

I have no idea, where I would be now, if my aunt wouldn’t have been there for me.

After 8 months of healing and peacefulness, Dad had ordered us both home, claiming that I couldn’t run away forever.

But however much my parents hoped, that time away from all the violence and childhood memories, that ripped my heart to shreds, whenever I thought about them, there were things that couldn’t be fixed, no matter how hard you tried.

And I was one of these things.

 

A rescue team, consisting of my father, uncle, Theo, Ben and 20 of their best soldiers, had found me after three months of endless torture, not that I had any grasp of time inside that windowless room. The only thing I knew, was, that the pain never stopped, not for one minute.

Not even for a second.

 

What these men found that day in an abandoned warehouse, somewhere behind the merciless mart, was the shell of a girl, she used to be, dressed in racks, her dirty hair covering her bruised face.

I must have been a horrifying sight.

Especially since not one of them could touch me. Because I had no idea, if they were real or not.

It wouldn’t have been the first time, Edgar would have injected me with stolen fear serum, just to torture my mind, when my body was too weak, by the lack of food, to take another one of the countless beatings.

My guts told me this was real, but my brain reminded me, that every single time, I had embraced my rescuer in the sims with open arms, the pain would double.

Nothing is as efficient as to quench hope with fear.

 

So as Theo came running towards me, trying to get me to talk to him, all I did was cower away. So much so, as that Four pulled him back, ordering everyone to not touch me. I was thankful for that, because I couldn’t handle hands on me. Especially not those of men.

Because the only thing they brought me, was anguish.

So to get me out of my prison and back home, they had to sedate me. Something I had become used to, but I hated it.

You could never know what, or who, was awaiting you, when you slipped back into reality.

 

I still remember the bombardment of questions, that hit me with full force, but I didn’t answer them.

I couldn’t answer them.

Not then and not now.

 

There are so many things I could tell them, some of them I wrote down, but others would most likely never be spoken out loud.

Because the last time, I ever spoke, was the day, they took away one of the people, that meant the most to me.

And eventhough most of dauntless thinks I´m weak because of my muteness, I know they never had seen someone they loved, die in front of their eyes.

They never saw him, on his knees, still smiling, as if to tell me, everything would be okay, even as they plunged the injection into his neck.

Even as he felt the chemical run through his veins, making him writhe in anguish, until he collapsed there.

In that room, that still haunted me, every hour of every day.

 

The last word I spoke was his name, as the last breath left his body.

Sam.

My best friend.

My protector.

My brother.

Dead.

.

.

.

 

“Here you go.” The bartender told me, as he placed four shot glasses in front of me, smiling. Nodding at him in thanks, I downed the first one, grimacing slightly as I welcomed the familiar burn inside my throat.

The other shots, I didn’t even want to know what they contained, followed suit. Sal, the guy who dutifully made sure, my glass was never empty, was my favorite bartender and he knew my order by heart, never asking what was wrong, when I was in a bad mood. Not that I would have answered him.

At least not verbally.

 

But after a strenuous day of exercising and fighting with the twins, to refine my kicks, I deserved to take my mind of certain things.

Like my test results.

Or the choosing ceremony next week.

 

Apparently we needed a week to ´reflect our thoughts´, so no one would make a rash decision in choosing. I, myself, had played with the thought of going to amity, where I could spend the rest of my days without anyone bothering me, somewhere behind the fence, with _a lot_ of peace serum.

The only problem were my slight anger issues. Or the fact, that I hated being hugged, or was too depressed, to smile.

Let´s be real for once, I would never get through their initiation.

So amity was out.

 

As I banged the last empty shot glass onto the bar, I heard my name from somewhere on my left. Turning my head slightly, to not appear, as if I was listening, I saw it was Cat, who had spoken.

The things that came out of her mouth, were most of the time so utterly stupid, I wished, I was a deaf-mute. Like seriously, dauntless like that bitch were the reason, every other faction thought us to be too stupid, to survive on ourselves.

Trying hard, not to listen, the only things I picked up were “mute freak”, “pampered coward” and something along the lines, that I would never make it here, because I was a disgrace for my family.

Snorting into my glass, that was now filled with some other liquor, that tasted like cotton candy, or some shit, I was surprised by her wit.

Not.

 

I have heard those insults every day for three years, ever since I´d come back from the cabins. I wasn’t really bothered by them anymore.

If she would pick dauntless next week, we would see who the coward was. Swaying my gaze over her little entourage, I shortly stopped at Aurora´s form, her black hair straightened and her face caked with makeup. I was not in the least sorry that we weren’t friends anymore.

Aurora never really participated, when Cat started to spew her bullshit, but she had needed someone she could follow around all day, like she used to with Sam and me, so she never defended me, either.

 

Over her shoulder, I met the gaze of a pretty good locking guy. Medium long, brown and wavy hair, that hung almost into his dark eyes.  His features were sharp and I felt to urge to lick along his chiseled jaw.

Those stubbles would feel good somewhere else…

 _Okay…_ too much alcohol.

Or not enough yet…

 

 

The guy, who seemed slightly older than me, his broad arms full of tattoos, looked from me, to the group of bitches and back again, seemingly confused and trying to figure out, what I had done to deserve such treatment.

 

Let´s just say, her boyfriend was a lot more interested in me, than in her, so he broke up with Cat and after one night with me, he followed me around the compound for almost a week. That was until Theo heard and came to ´defend my honor´.

As if I needed someone to defend me.

Or had any sort of honor.

The guy spend a week in the infirmary and never once tried to talk to me again.

I understood his reasoning. A broken jaw was nothing pleasant.

 

Smirking at the hot guy halfway across the room, I tilted my glass at him, before downing it. I could only glance at him, but saw that he furrowed his forehead at my indifference, before someone placed his hand on my shoulder.

I slowly turned my head, ready to murder the person that dared to touch me, before I realized it was my sister.

Raising my eyebrows at her, to ask what the hell she wanted, Harper only pulled me from my chair and towards her group of friends, where also the twins were.

“Come on. You don’t have to be the loner all the time.” She turned slightly and smirked at me, to let me know, she was joking, eventhough she was right.

Rolling my eyes, I knew every resistance was futile, so I didn’t even try to fight her. Harper always got her way. But as we walked past the group of girls, that didn’t even deserve that name, Harper froze suddenly, making me bump into her back. Knowing exactly, what she had heard, it was now my turn to pull her along, but she ripped her arm out of my grasp, facing them with a murderous glare.

 

Cat was still talking, not realizing that Harper was now directly behind her, until all her minions grew silent.

“What?” Cat asked confused, before turning around. She went instantly pale when she spotted my sister, knowing she was in deep shit.

I had only ignored her, because I didn’t want to give my parents any more grief. Otherwise I would have loved to get her nose acquainted with the ledge of the bar.

  
“Exactly. What the hell do you think talking about my little sister like that!” Harper asked, her tone as deadly calm as Dad´s, whenever someone was in deep shit.

Rolling my eyes, I once again tried to pull her away. They weren’t worth our time.

I still wanted to get hammered tonight.

Maybe a sleeping pill after, for a dreamless sleep.

 

Either way, I didn’t need anyone to defend myself, not anymore. But Harper had always been resilient.

 

“It´s the truth.” Cat squeaked out, trying to appear braver than she was. “She doesn’t even defend herself, she has her older sister do it.” The longer she spoke, the more confident she seemed to become.

Or stupid.

 

“You think she has to answer to you? Who do you think you are, _bitch?!_ ” Harper was getting closer, until she was right in her face.

It was getting annoying and if Harper wouldn’t end this, I would. And most likely get a month of mess hall duty, like last time.

 

“I´m only calling out a coward!” Cat shrieked and before I could blink, Harper´s fist had met her nose, resulting in a sickening, but satisfying cracking sound.

“Watch out who you call a coward, skank.” Harper hissed beside her ear, as Cat doubled over and cried out in pain, clutching her nose, that was, without a doubt, broken.

 

“Come on.” Harper grabbed my arm and pulled me further along, while Cat was led outside by her friends, to go get her nose fixed. Throughout the whole ordeal, I felt those dark eyes watching me, making tingles erupt in my neck.

 

I was greeted loudly, by all the dauntless around the table. They were all friends of either Harper or the twins and most of them were really nice, so I had no problem being here.

Especially since the very moment I got there, a beer had been pushed into my hand.

Taking it with a grateful smile at Andy, I almost downed it with one swing.

I had a goal to reach after all.

 

After two hours with these guys, I couldn’t feel my face, or anything for the matter. I had laughed, like I hadn’t for a long time, my hands swaying in the air, in rhythm to a song, I didn’t even know.

But as a friend of the twins started to chug beer out of a keg, I knew it was time for me to leave and find another occupation.

The more nude, the better.

 

So I left and because everyone was to occupied with the beer guy, I managed to stay undetected.

Only one pair of eyes was following my every move, like they had the whole night. I swept my hair over one shoulder, exposing my tattoos in a seductive manner.

At least I thought it was, but I was hammered, so I could have looked like some crazy person, trying to tame a monkey on her shoulder.

Either way, I felt him following me, as I made my way through the empty halls. But the uneven floors weren’t my friends and in my drunken stupor, I tripped and just, as I mentally prepared to face plant in an unpleasant way, two hands on my hips caught me, pulling me upright again.

“Jesus Christ…” I heard the guy mutter, my back now pressed against his chest.

Chuckling to myself, I turned around in his arms, slinging mine around his neck.

He wore a strange expression, as I played with the hair on his nape, tilting my head slightly and biting my lip.

I could now see the colour of his dark eyes. They were a deep brown, that managed to calm me down and give me the illusion to be protected.

Because that´s what it really was, an illusion.

 

As I saw his eyes sway down, watching the every movement of my mouth, I smiled, before pulling his head towards me.

“Wait…” He started, but I silenced him, pressing my lips against his. He didn’t react at first, so I pouted slightly, before pulling back and biting him lightly.

Startled, he began to return my movements and before I knew it, I was pressed against the wall, legs slung around his hips, my hands in his hair, while his were holding me up.

Our kiss was passionate and I was grinding against him, as he suddenly pulled away, setting me back onto my feet. He ran his hands over his face, obviously agitated, while I almost fell down, but he caught me again. He then leaned his head against mine, before exhaling deeply.

“We can’t do anything like that.” He told me, but as he saw my questioning expression, he went on. “You are drunk out of your mind.”

As I only shrugged my shoulders and tried to kiss him again, he held me back by my shoulders and his stare turned incredulous.

 

“I´m not one to take advantage of a woman.” He told me sternly, as I only huffed. “Because that would have been, if this had turned out more.”

But I wasn’t really listening to him. Feeling the exhaustion of a tiring day creep into my bones, I let myself slump into him, forcing him to tighten his grip, so I wouldn’t fall.

Sighing, he grabbed me under my knees and lifted me up effortlessly.

His muscles were hot.

  
“Let´s get you to bed.” The handsome stranger, who had some mad skills, told me, before starting to walk down the hallway.

His rhythmic steps and the slight swinging managed to lull me to sleep in no time. I slipped into the dreamland, but this time I felt deep brown eyes watching over me, fending off my tormenters and every nightmare.

 

For the first time in three years, I felt safe, as I fell asleep in the arms of a stranger.


	3. Chapter 2

**I woke up groaning,** in an unfamiliar feeling bed, my head pounding violently. Bright light shining from a window to my left, blinded me. Shielding my eyes, I sat up slowly, but even the slightest movement of my body startled my stomach and I clasped a hand over my mouth, as I felt the bile rise in my throat.

Jumping up, I had no idea where the hell I was, or even what happened yesterday, after joining my sister and her friends. As I was running to the bathroom, I was glad, that most apartments had the same layout, otherwise I would most likely not made it to the toilet, where I spilled out the contents of my stomach.

Not that it was much.

 

The only things I ate yesterday, were the eggs, the twins force fed me and a burger at noon. That fact didn’t make what happened now less disgusting.

Holding my hair up, I spit into the toilet, to get the horrible taste out of my mouth, just as I heard someone approach me.

 

“I see, you´re up.” A deep, unfamiliar voice sounded from behind me and as I turned my head a little, I saw the guy from the bar, dressed completely in black, like most dauntless were, raising his eyebrows at me. “I guess there´s no need to ask, if you want breakfast.” Glaring at him, I didn’t miss the amusement in his voice.

_Asshole._

“There´s a spare toothbrush in the cabinet. After you´re done, come into the kitchen. I´ll have coffee ready.” Tapping the door frame twice, he disappeared after taking one last glance at my pitiful form, crouching in front of the toilet.

Getting up from the tiled floor, that slowly started to hurt kneeling on, I made my way over to the cabinet. Searching through it, I found it was pretty minimalistic equipped with only a bottle of shampoo, deodorant, some toothpaste, shaving crème and mouthwash. Grabbing the still sealed toothbrush from the corner, I pressed some toothpaste on it and carefully started to brush my teeth, to not trigger my gag reflex a second time this morning.

 

Looking into the mirror, I saw that my reflection resembled more of a zombie, than a girl and I splashed my face with cold water, before trying to tame my unruly hair.

Grateful for the hair tie on my wrist, I just pulled my long, wavy hair into a ponytail.

Knowing my appearance wouldn’t get any better than this, before I took a shower and scrubbed all the filth off me, I made my way to the kitchen, to not overstay my welcome.

 

The guy, I actually had never seen before yesterday evening, leaned against the kitchen counter, taking sips out of his cup, never looking away from my approaching form. His inquisitive stare managed to do something to me, not many were able to.

It made me nervous.

Fidgeting with my hands, I looked back at him expectantly, not knowing why he wore that strange expression again. Realizing, what I was doing there, I crossed my hands over my chest, replacing the expectant one with a stony expression, while scrutinizing him, just as he did with me, before taking a seat at his kitchen island.

Noticing my change in behavior, he furrowed his brow, but didn’t comment, as he turned around and busied himself on the coffee machine.

“You want one?” He asked, _after_ pressing the button. I nodded, still watching him suspiciously.

Caffeine sounded like heaven right now, but I didn’t understand, why he felt the need to make me breakfast. Normally after a one-night stand, the guy couldn’t wait for me to get out of his flat, just like me.

I was actually looking forward to live alone, after initiation, since then, _I_ could be the one throwing guys out and not have to wander through half of the compound, just to get home.

 

“Here you go.” He handed me the mug with a small smile, before raising a bag of toast in question. As I declined, he fretted at me disapprovingly.

“You should really eat something. Especially after drinking so much.” As I eyed the door, he added. “Don’t even think about leaving, before you had something to eat.”

Despite my soundless protests, he placed a buttered toast on a plate and pushed it in front of me.

“Eat.”

 

Shooting him a dirty look, not even knowing myself, why I didn’t just up and left, I picked it up and took a small bite. It wasn’t much, but I soon felt how my queasy stomach calmed down a little.

It was also a great distraction from the awkwardness that engulfed us, I so desperately wanted to escape. If he would have still been asleep, it would have been a lot easier for me.

I couldn’t even remember, what we did last night, so this added a lot to the unease I felt, as the guy was shoveling scrambled eggs into his mouth, while leaning on the counter.

Sneaking glances at him every then and now, I realized he was undeniably attractive, with his brown hair, those piercing eyes and his unreadable expression.

He reminded me a lot of my uncle, because of the way he held himself, and as I was sitting there, thinking about their similarities, I realized, I had actually no idea, what his name was. And I couldn’t even ask him.

_Great._

 

Misinterpreting my annoyed expression for something else, the handsome stranger, how I had named him, cleared his throat, making me look up from my tattered toast.

“Nothing happened last night, you know that, right?”

 

My face contorted in confusion, not aware of what exactly he wanted to tell me.

“Between us. Nothing happened. Not that you didn’t try… But it wouldn’t have been right.

I just put you to bed, since you were pretty out of it and I didn’t want you stumble through the compound. In the end you would have fallen off, into the chasm or something like that…” He trailed off, as he put his dishes into the sink.

_The hell?!_

_Why on earth_ would he take me to _his_ apartment and if not to sleep with me? No dauntless man would pass up on an opportunity to get some, even if the woman was already half passed out.

We didn’t believe in manners.

Looking down at my clothed self, I thought about how truly stupid I was. I had not lacked one singly piece of clothing, I wore yesterday and the guy even put me into one of his sweaters. How I couldn’t have realized that, I had no idea.

Hangovers and me weren’t really friends.

And we would never be.

 

Blinking rapidly, I tried to decode the enigma, that was the man in front of me.

And failed.

His behavior really confused me. The only men that would carry me home after an excessive night of drinking and not expect something in return, were my family members.

Not to mention that not even the guys I slept with, ever made me breakfast. 

 

“I don’t know with what kind of men you usually hang out with, but it´s never okay to take advantage of a drunk woman. Even if she comes at you, she won’t be able to consent.” He started to rant, pretty angrily may I add, after getting a glimpse of my incredulous expression.

When I didn’t react accordingly, he slammed his hands on the kitchen island, I was sitting on. It made me jump in surprise and I stared at him wide eyed, as he only seemed to get angrier.

“Have you even the _slightest clue at all,_ what these men _could do to you?_ ”

He hissed at me, looking ready to punch something.

 

Oh _honey_ , I know _everything_ they could do to me. Even more than you could imagine…

 

Tilting my head, I smiled lightly at him, waiting for him to catch on. Watching me for a few seconds in confusion, I knew the exact moment, he realized what he just said to me.

Closing his eyes for a long moment, he placed his hands on the edge of the counter, before tilting his head. He started to speak, as soon as he met my gaze, regret written all over his face.

“Lexi, I´m so sorry… I didn’t want to imply something... Fuck! I´m sorry.” Taking pity on him, I gestured for him to stop, and as he complied, I started to chuckle lightly. I made it clear, to my best ability, that I wasn’t mad at him for his slip up.

The opposite actually.

 

Firstly, he sounded as if he really cared about me, since the only lectures I got these days, were the ones of my father. Everyone else had stopped bothering me months ago.

 

Secondly, he saw me for myself and not for the little girl that had been abducted, even if it was just for a moment.

No one in my family ever did that. My parents and the rest of them were always tiptoeing around the subject, trying not to hurt me by saying the wrong thing.

But all of them failed to realize one thing.

It wasn’t the physical pain, I had to endure, or the starvation. Not even the torture.

But the guilt of knowing I was responsible for my best friend’s death.

If not for me fooling around, Sam wouldn’t have missed the train and if I wouldn’t have run away and hid in an alleyway full of factionless, he wouldn’t have been captured.

Everything that ever happened was my fault.

And that was the worst feeling ever.

 

“You okay?” His deep, cautious sounding voice pulled me out of my thoughts and I shook my head lightly, to rid myself of these thoughts, that haunted my ever being. I smiled at him, nodding in confirmation.

He looked, as if he wanted to object and probe further, but a knock on the door interrupted our little conversation.

Glancing at me a little rueful, he went over and opened the door.

 

“Hey, D.” A familiar voice said and I turned around so fast, I actually fell of the chair. Landing on my stomach, the chair fell to the floor with a loud bang. As I heard two pairs of feet rapidly approaching, I wanted nothing more, than to vanish into thin air.

But because this wasn’t an option, I turned around slowly and smiled guiltily my brother, who looked at me flabbergasted, before turning slowly to look at the man beside him, I think he called D.

 

D raised his hands in surrender, before looking over at me shortly. “I only brought your sister here, because she didn’t look like she would make it back home. And carrying her to your parent’s apartment wasn’t really an option, because I´m sure Eric wouldn’t have appreciated his daughter being passed out. Nothing happened between us.”

Inhaling deeply, Theo turned towards me, disappointment written all over his face. “Is that true?” He asked calmly. I lowered my gaze, fiddling with the sleeves of the sweater, that wasn’t mine, while his frustrated stare only made me feel even worse than I had before.

As I curtly nodded, Theo sighed deeply, before grabbing my arm and pulling me up. His grip wasn’t rough, but it wasn’t gentle either.

“Thanks man. I really appreciate it.” Theo turned to D, before guiding me out of the apartment. “Come on.”

 

I was only able to give my handsome stranger a thankful smile, before my brother had already pulled me out of the apartment. As he walked through the hallways with quick strides, still grabbing my upper arm, I struggled to keep up with him.

My legs weren’t nearly as long, as his.

All the while he was mumbling things to himself, I couldn’t understand. But it was obvious, that he cursed me under his breath.

Feed up with being handled like a rag doll, I ripped my arm out of his grasp, making Theo stop short and turn around to face me.

His whole expression was a mixture of anger and frustration.

No doubt at my behavior.

My family had to endure this for long enough, so I understood my brother, but it was still my life and I could do with it, what I wanted.

So I crossed my arms and stared at him defiantly.

 

“God damnit, Lexi! Do you even know who that was, or do you now try to sleep your way up?” Theo hissed at me, making me rear back in disbelief. Blinking at him, I tried to grasp, if he really just implied I would need to sleep with some guy, so I would be successful in dauntless, or if I´d gone mad.

But as his words sunk fully in, even though I had no idea what Theo meant to imply with them, I swung my arm back and socked him into the jaw.

I´m talking about a real punch, not some girly slap.

 

Not seeing the blow coming, Theo wasn’t able to block it and his head snapped back with the force, making him stumble away from me, against a wall.

Not wanting to give him the chance, to let him insult me further, I walked briskly down the hall, while my brother was busy nursing his aching jaw.

I hope it leaves a bruise.

“Fuck!” I heard him curse behind me, before shouting. “LEXI! Come back here right this second!”

 

Raising my two middle fingers high into the air, without turning around, I disappeared around the corner, taking one of the short cuts, so Theo wouldn’t be able to stop me from leaving.

 

Having escaped the confides of the compound, I was in dire need of one of my special training sessions, consisting of a parkour through the abandoned parts of this city.

Knowing, that I would have been able to escape, if I would have been able to climb up the gutter, when I was 14, made me start practicing it.

 

Now, I was able to get through the whole city, without once needing to touch the ground. I would climb onto buildings, jump over roofs and through broken windows, always running, always looking out for the guys that took me.

It was a great way to build stamina and because I came through the whole city, I knew it like the back of my hand.

I loved this kind of exercise.

Not even mentioning the quiet, of being so far over the busy live on the streets, or to watch the sun set over the fence, over the amity fields.

The tranquility was simply beautiful and after a long, stressful day, it was one the rare things, that could calm me down, without having to get drunk.

It always reminded me of the time in the cabins in amity, where I sat outside in the high grass, watching the woman harvest and listening to their lulling voices, as they sung of fall and spring. I would sit there every day, until Tris would come out and scold me for being outside, for so long, in my condition.

 

I smiled a little at these memories, before I looked up to the tall building in front of me, just outside the compound, that was my destination.

Grabbing the metal gutter, I started to barrel myself up, knowing I soon would be on the roof and off into the city.

.

.

.

After four hours of pushing my body to the limit, while jumping over roofs, climbing up and down buildings and avoiding shards of glass everywhere, I made my way to the mess hall for lunch, chugging down a whole bottle of water on the way. I was late, because most of the faction already had their lunch break, but I hoped for a burger or something similar, because I was starving.

 

Stepping in, I swayed my gaze over the few dauntless, that sat scattered in little groups, and it didn’t take me long to find my cousin. Making my way over, I plunked down on the opposite side of the table, I grabbed one of the remaining burgers and took a huge bite.

_I was starving._

Chewing violently, I looked up at Ben, who was watching me over the rim of his cup. Narrowing my eyes at him, I saw, that he tried to hide his smirk.

As I raised one eyebrow at him, Ben chuckled, shaking his head exaggeratingly. “You gave your brother a nice shiner.” As I scowled, he was fast to add. “Not that didn’t deserve it. Theo told me what he said to you and he´s sorry. He´s actually trying to find you, _desperately._ “ Rolling my eyes at my cousin, to show him I didn’t give a fuck about my brother right now, I continued to eat.

 

Ben leaned forward, looking at me with mischievous eyes, that resembled the ones of his brothers so much. “Tell me, Lexi. Is it true that you spent the night with Dante?”

I looked at him, a little confused and a lot annoyed.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t even know his name!” Ben exclaimed and as I just shrugged my shoulders, plopping one of his fries into my mouth, he started to laugh manically.

At least now I knew, what my caring host was called.

Dante.

Mhm… Had a nice ring to it…

 

But why was everyone making such a big deal out of it? It´s not as if I this would have been my first one-night stand, not to mention, _I didn’t even sleep with him._

Gesturing at Ben to go on, because I wanted to know, why he thought my situation was so hilarious, especially because I had scorned my big brother, my cousin only laughed at me.

“No way in hell I´m going to tell you. You will soon see for yourself.” The smug grin on his handsome face, made me think hard about it, if punching two people today, would be acceptable.

 

“Uh-oh” Ben wiggled his eyebrows at me, before looking past me. “Big brother is coming for you.”

Groaning, I went to stand up and make a run for it, but two hands on my shoulder pushed me back onto the bench, before Theo sat down beside me.

“No, you don’t!” He said and I turned to look at him. Like Ben, he was a heartbreaker here in dauntless, but his face was currently disfigured by the huge, purple bruise on his jaw.

It looked like it hurt and I smiled, proud of myself.

He really had it coming.

 

“Concluding by your expression, you know I deserved it. And I know it, too.” Theo addressed me, lightly pulling me into his side, pressing a kiss to my head. “And I´m sorry for saying something like that, I was just so…”

“…Frustrated?” Ben chimed in. “Because your little sister is having more sex than you are?”

 

“Fuck you, Ben!” Theo pretended to be insulted by his comment, while I just chuckled and threw a bit of lettuce at my cousin.

Well, _he is right…_

 “Do you forgive me?”  Theo asked lowly, looking hopefully at me. “Your right hook just proved, that you don’t have to do anything, but being yourself, to show everyone how dauntless you are.” He ensured me, but I started to doubt myself.

But was I really dauntless…?

Or was I just pretending to not be that little, scared girl anymore, just showing everyone the façade I put on to get through the day…

 

Nudging me, I smiled at my brother, lost in my thoughts, but letting him now it was alright.

I could never be mad at him. Not after he took care of me, every time I had a setback.

Which was quite often.

I was getting frustrated with myself and eventhough, I had no idea, why he had been so riled up this morning, or why he was even at Dante´s apartment, I couldn’t be mad at him for long.

Not when I knew, Theo was genuinely sorry.

 

Pulling me upright, for the second time today, but gently as he did so, Theo said his goodbye to Ben.

“Let´s get you home.” He addressed me, pulling me into his side, as we left the mess hall.

Together we made our way through the compound and I laughed at Theo´s best stories. In leadership, they knew of everyone’s business and the foolishness of some dauntless was almost hysterical.

 

So as we arrived at home, I had completely forgotten about all the drama at yesterday´s breakfast and that I hadn’t been home since. But I stopped short, as I saw my father standing in the kitchen, his face and whole demeanor cold and void of every emotion, except of anger.

 

“And where the hell have you been, _princess?!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me ages, because I had no idea how to call the handsome stranger :D I think Dante fit´s quite well…
> 
>    
> Thank you for reading & reviewing! :)


	4. Chapter 3

 

 **The day** of my choosing ceremony had finally come and with it the end of my punishment. Dad hadn’t been pleased with me being gone for almost two days, without once checking in with either of my parents, so he grounded me. I understand why they worried, I really do, but after three years of this, mom and dad should be used to me disappearing for a day or more.

But apparently Dad thought otherwise, so the last week I spend in dauntless as a dependent, I was grounded. Not that I took that too serious. I had learned to sneak out years ago, Harper being my role model and I was again out and about, less than five hours later.

But somehow dauntless head leader Eric Coulter managed to catch me every single time in the act, dragging me back home and threatening to chain me to my bed, from wherever I was, or whatever I was doing.

It wasn’t pleasant at all, when he found me drunk and making out with some guy.

 

I had discovered the metal handcuffs in my parents’ bedroom one day, so I didn’t once question his threat, knowing Dad was serious.

What I didn’t used know and still wished I didn’t, was, how kinky my parents really were. I once found a note that described with the crudest details, how Mom planned to use the frosting from the fridge.

It wasn’t PG 13 at all.

And I had thought she wanted to bake us a cake…

 

Let´s just say, that disturbed my already troubled mind so much, that I haven’t even touched a piece of cake since. When my uncle asked me, where my sudden aversion against it, came from, I couldn’t tell him. I didn’t want to tarnish his favorite dessert for him, because I am one hundred percent sure, he would have never forgiven me for ruining dauntless cake.

And eventhough the hostility my father and uncle almost completely disappeared over the years, I didn’t want to spark a fight between them, that could blow up into biblical proportions.

Like that one time, Harper broke her arm, while playing with the twins in the compound, when she was eight or so. She tumbled down a few stairs, landing on her arm. It wasn’t bad and it wasn’t anything, Four could have prevented either, but Dad thought otherwise.

After their big fight, that resulted in an destroyed living room, the both of them refused to talk for over a month, until Mom and Tris put their feet down, forcing them to interact and be civil about it.

What can you say?

Harper had always been Daddy´s princess.

 

That was the main reason we didn’t get along as children, but everything changed after I came back and now she is the person that´s always the first one to defend me. I guess we both realized, that eventhough we may hate each other from time to time, we are still sisters and we love each other.

Or at least that was Harper´s explanation for her change of heart.

 

The reason, why Dad managed to find me as fast as a tracking dog, eventhough I avoided as much cameras as possible, revealed itself last night at dinner in the mess hall. I was sitting with the twins, eating and joking around, when father dearest appeared, pulling me out of my seat, ready to take me back home again with an annoyed expression, when Andy asked, if the miniature tracker worked, he had requested a few days ago.

 

Ignoring my incredulous stare completely, Dad only smirked, before throwing me over his shoulder, calling over his other one, while walking away, that they worked perfectly.

Asshat.

 

Being carried out of the mess hall like this, must have been one of the most humiliating things, that happened to me in my whole life. And growing up with the twins, that liked to show off your princess underwear all over the pit, that meant a lot.

I was ten and I still resent them for it.

 

Hanging there over one shoulder, unable to escape, because my father was built like the Hulk, I caught the brown eyes of a certain someone.

My noble savior from last week watched the whole ordeal with a mixture of amusement and incredulity, sitting beside Harper, that had been chatting lively, but was now staring at us with an open jaw, cheeks coloring because of the cringe-worthiness of being carried like a toddler, that just had a tantrum.

I saluted her, while she started to whisper furiously, no doubt apologizing for my behavior.

Normally Harper didn’t like men being younger than her, but it looked like Dante had managed to do the impossible.

To catch her attention.

That´s great for him, really great…

 

A loud knocking on my door saved me from the embarrassing thoughts and I sat up, just as Mom peeked in, taking my disheveled state into account.

“Alexis you have to leave in an hour and you still have to shower and eat something. Hurry up, honey.”

 

Groaning, I flogged back down onto my bed. It was 7.30 am and eventhough I had been awake for almost three hours, after a gruesome night of dreams about needles and marble bowls full of blood, I didn’t want to get up.

Knowing Mom would give me hell if I didn’t hurry, while Dad and Theo were already at the hub, I got up, trotting into my bathroom, that I would dearly miss.

Looking into the mirror, my hair that resembled a rat’s nest. Taking a fast shower, I toweled my hair dry, before braiding it once again. So it wouldn’t be in the way, when I would take the train later.

Dressing myself in tight fitting pants, I chose a dark red tank top, a black jacket and the compulsory combat boots. After all this was a ´special day´, so a little colour was warranted.

No one that knew, they had to go by train, would wear sandals or high heels today. Not that it hasn’t happened before.

I just hoped, Cat would stumble on the ugly heeled boots, she always wore. That would make this boring day a little funnier.

Eventhough nothing could save me from the pain I felt, every time I thought about Sam and how he was supposed to choose today, with me.

Together.

Like we had always been.

 

Sighing, I made my way out of my room, for the last time as a minor, before joining my mother in the kitchen. She was smiling, as always, as she pressed a kiss to my head and handed me a plate full of eggs.

“Sweetheart, I am so sorry that I can’t accompany you today, but there was once again an attack on an amity food truck and I have to go there to find a solution with the new representative. And she isn’t as nice as she´s supposed to be…” Mom´s expression was laced with worry and regret.

It was only legit I guess… With me you can never be sure.

So she had no idea, if I would come back, or not.

 

Smiling lightly, I let her know that it was alright and I would manage on my own.

Like I always did.

Mom pulled me into an embrace, holding me tight for a minute, before kissing my head. “I´ll be proud of you, whatever you chose today. I love you. Never forget that.”

With that she pulled back, grabbing her jacket and was out the door, while I shot her a last, comforting smile, then I was alone.

On my own, once again.

 

I slowly ate the eggs mom made for me, before putting the diches into the sink. I was absentmindedly aware of the time passing and before I knew it, I had to hurry to catch the train. Grabbing my jacket, I made my way out the door for the last time, looking around the apartment, I had called home for eighteen years, I let the door close shut in front of me.

The next time, I would come here, it wouldn’t be my home anymore.

 

Glancing at the screen of my phone, I realized I had 7 minutes till the train would drive by the compound. I would get on at the same place, where the initiates would later get in for war games and the trip to the fence. In fact, every dauntless used that one place, because jumping on from the roof would be impossible.

Or at least inconvenient.

 

Bursting into a sprint, because I had only two minutes left, I skidded through members in the pit, before I finally came to a less crowded part of the compound. The hallway I was in, was only used by members that planned on using the train, but since the it was already near, I figured, everyone was already outside. There were only about 200 feet left of the corridor, before there was a left curve and after that one, the exit leading to the ´train station´.

 

Running, I saw someone with platinum blonde hair round the corner and after a few seconds, I heard the loud banging of something, that sounded awfully like a door snapping shut.

With an uneasy feeling in my guts, I doubled my pace and as I finally rounded the corner myself, I was greeted by the sight, of the massive steel door, that was supposed to be open, at all times, except when we were under attack.

But it was closed.

_No, no, no….!_

Cursing inside my head, I threw myself against the door, trying to pull it open, but every attempt was futile. These doors were made to withstand every bullet or explosion there was, so there was no chance in hell, I would get it open again.

Not that it would matter now anyway, that I heard the train whistling by, knowing I had missed it.

What would happen to me, if I didn’t make it in time for choosing I had no idea, but I knew one thing: Dad would have my ass for it.

 

Catching my breath, I leaned my head against the damn door for a moment, cursing the bitch that had pulled it close. And I would bet my ass on it, that she did it on purpose.

But I wasn’t so easy to give up.

If I could manage to survive three months of torture, I could also make it to my choosing in time.

With new found determination, I hurried back into the pit, aiming for another exit, while once again threading through the dauntless, that were already stumbling around, bottles in hand and drunk of their asses.

  
“Lexi?!” Hearing my name being called, I spotted Ben and Dante standing in the middle of the pit, looking at me with wide eyes. “Shouldn’t you be on the train already?!”

Only shrugging my shoulders and grimacing, I disappeared, before my leader cousin could scold me any further.

 

It only took me a few minutes, before I arrived at my destination. Knowing the city like the back of my hand, would come in handy now. Walking would take me over one and a half hours, while the choosing ceremony started in twenty minutes. Just my luck, my last name started with a C, so I would be under the first ones to choose.

Figures.

Grabbing my fingerless gloves, I put them on, before pulling myself up a gutter. If my calculations were right, it would take me 40 minutes to arrive at the hub, if I hurried, I could make it in 35.

Running over rooftops and jumping over ledges, that would most likely kill me, if I ever fell, I was pretty good in time. I had practiced so much, it almost felt like second nature to me.

 

Everything was fine, until I arrived at a ledge, that was almost 15 feet wide and at least 20 stories high. Cursing myself for not taking another route, I made my way back into the middle of the roof, before running as fast as I could.

Knowing I only had one chance at this, I jumped off the ledge.

My legs flailed widely, as I flew through the air, my destination always in mind.

The impact on the other roof was hard, eventhough I tried to weaken it with a roll. Heavily panting, I lay there for a minute, just catching my breath and calming my racing heartbeat, before continuing.

 

A few minutes I was on a rooftop near the hub and grabbed another gutter, to slide down. Everything went perfectly, until about 10 feet above ground. The screws, which held the gutter in place at the wall, were loose and before I knew it, my back hit the ground, hard.

Groaning, I turned around, thankful that there haven’t been any shards of glass lying around, like in so many alleyways in our decaying city.

I´d prefer rocks over glass any day.

 

 _Ha!_ Candor joke... Aren’t I a funny one?

_I think I hit my head…_

 

Heaving myself back up slowly, I held my lower back, that took most of the fall and was sending sharp jolts of pain up my spine. Ignoring it to my best abilities, mostly because I was used to hurting body parts, I limped into the main street, only half a mile away from the hub. By now I was 10 minutes late and I knew, Dad had already held his speech, since dauntless would host the ceremony this year and he didn’t like to show cast his erudite upbringing.

 

The soldiers in front of the hub shot me confused glances. It wasn’t every day that their leader’s daughter turned up late, panting like she had just ran a marathon, while covered in dirt and sweat.

I was a sight for sore eyes.

 

“Everything alright?” One of them asked concerned and I just gave him a thumbs up, before throwing open the doors and conquering the stairs two at the time. After all I had to get up 20 stories.

Arriving in front of the doors, I hesitated to go in, eventhough I heard Dad calling up names already. He was on B, so I still had time.

First, I had to fix my appearance.

 

Opening my braid and fluffing my long brown hair out, they were now curling like crazy, eventhough they were still wet, I took my jacket off, brushing away the dirt, always listening to my father.

After I´d ridded my black pants of the dust as best as I could, I opened the door a little and slipped into the room.

No one noticed my arrival and I observed the room.

It still looked the same, like it had four years ago, when Harper chose. People separated by factions and colours, sitting in a circular room. Swaying my gaze over the people, I spotted my father on the stage, calling up the dependents, while my brother handed out the knives.

Both of them looked over to an empty spot in the row of eighteen-year-olds, over and over again. The small signs of distress they were showing, only detectable for people that knew them well. Connecting the dots, I knew, that should be, where I was supposed to be standing.

 

“Alexis Coulter!” I heard my father call, his voice stern and I knew, he was worried that I wasn’t here.

As if I would skip my own choosing ceremony.

 

Stepping out of the shadows of the door, from the opposite of where I was supposed to be coming from, I drew the gazes of all the people onto me, as I made my way to the stage.

Meeting my brothers gaze, I saw his shoulders sag in relief, while my father seemed to be annoyed. No doubt because the little signs of distress he had shown, were a sign of weakness. At least for him.

Something Dad couldn’t stand at all.

From the rows of dependents, I could see the incredulous look on Cat´s face and just knew, I had guessed right. She had caused me to miss the train.

Little Miss Perfect wanted to play dirty?

Let the games begin.

 

 

Smirking at my father and brother, I took the knife out of Theo´s outstretched hand, cutting my palm, like I was supposed to.

“About time you show up, Lexi. I thought Dad would send out a search party.” Theo muttered, making me grin a little.

A Coulter knew, how to make an entrance.

 

As I waited for enough blood to ooze out of the wound, I looked from my father pointedly over to the amity bowl and wiggled my eyebrows suggestively. 

Dad´s glare was murderous, as he understood, what I was hinting on, before he nodded his head at the dauntless bowl.

My brother only smiled, a little amused, knowing it was payback for the grounding and embarrassing me in front of everyone.

 

But as I looked down at the blood in my palm, the reality hit me, that this was the start of the rest of my life.

That one wrong decision could make it even more miserable, than it already was.

So what to choose, if you belong nowhere?

If not even your family understands you, not to mention anyone else…

If not even you understand yourself sometimes…

There was only one thing left for me, the emotion that had kept me alive for four years…

Revenge.

And there was only one place in this city, where people understood that drive, that all-consuming need and even fueled my desire by their own ones.

 

Closing my eyes for a second and taking a deep breath, I walked with strong steps towards the one bowl, raising my hand over it. As I tilted my arm, the blood slowly running down, I looked deep into my father’s eyes.

The sizzling of the coals, caused his face to break into a triumphant and proud grin, I haven’t seen in ages, at least not one, that meant for me. He shouted it out for the whole hub to hear and my faction broke into thunderous applause, stomping their feet, like they always did.

Their voices roared through the circular room and I thought of the person, I was supposed to share this experience with. The one I would never see again and I promised myself, I would make the most of this.

For him.

For Sam.

 

“Dauntless!”

.

.

.

 

“Get ready to jump.” One of the members shouted, while the people in the front parts of the train already threw themselves out of the train and onto the roof. The rest of the ceremony had been boring. Watching close to 150 dependents chose, before running out and catching the train wasn’t my idea of fun. I didn’t know, if the transfers even made it, since I was in another carriage.

 

I got up, knowing that after the jump I had mastered earlier this morning, this one would be child’s play.

However, when it was my turn, I still went to the back of the carriage, before hauling myself out of the train. I didn’t want to die, just because I was stupid.

This time around, I landed on my feet, taking a few steps forward, to keep my balance. Successfully, I started to smirk, just as something hit my back and made me fall over, as it, or rather _he_ landed on top me.

 

“Oh, god! I am _so_ sorry!”

Scowling, I pushed the blue dressed idiot, that had hit my back painfully, off me, before standing up, brushing the grovel off and the hair out of my face.

Today wasn’t my lucky day.

 

“Are you alright?” The nose asked, as he went to touch me, but after seeing my glare, he slowly backed away, shriveling into himself and hands held up in surrender.

I had no idea, that I was _that_ scary, but I simply had a low tolerance for idiots. Especially for nosy ones.

 

Swaying my gaze over the roof, we were scrutinized by the members, like the fresh meat they thought us to be, I met my cousin’s eye.

Ben was grinning gleefully at my misfortune, seriously tempting me to push him off the ledge, he was parading on like a stag in breeding season.

He looked ridiculous.

Remembering himself _and his title_ , Ben quickly put on his leader face, like my whole family called it, scrutinizing the initiates in front of him. He totally learned that from Dad… and my uncle.

 

“Initiates, come over here!” He called, making all the transfers turn towards him. Hurdling in a close group around Ben on the ledge, my cousin started talking while I stayed back, letting the swooning girls admire him.

He needed it.

 

“I am Ben, one of your leader. To get into the compound, you have to prove your bravery to me, to our members. Behind me lies the entrance, so who will be the first one to jump?”

I rolled my eyes at his antics, trying to block out the protests of the transfers, that thought dauntless consisted of tattoos and train rides.

Well, _you were wrong._

 

“ _Damn_ he´s hot.” Avery, one of two dauntless born females, that didn’t belong to Cat´s group, muttered to her best friend, Ivy. I never had any problems with either of them, but eventhough they both seemed nice, I wasn’t one for finding friends.

Or keeping them.

“Yeah, I _so_ want to lick those abs.” She answered dreamily, a lot louder than intended, making me scoff.

Both of them turned towards me and Avery started addressing me. “ _Come on!_ I know he is your cousin and everything, but damn! Your family has great genes! Even your Dad. Wouldn’t mind taking him for a ride, either…”

 

Seeing my disgusted expression, both of them guffawed loudly, making everyone turn to look at us.

This day was only getting worse, so as Ben once again demanded our attention, I rolled my eyes at the cowardliness of the people around me, before elbowing my way through the people. I knew exactly what awaited me, since I had jumped down into the net, for about a thousand times.

The initiates in front saw me coming and quickly moved out of my way.

 

“Welcome home, munchkin. You have to tell me later what happened to you this morning.” Ben mocked me, getting himself a jab to the guts with my elbow, while I stepped onto the ledge.

“You just attacked your leader!” Ben exclaimed, only half serious, but I missed the rest of his statement, because I had already stepped of the ledge.

 

Reveling in the short moment of weightlessness, that always managed to enthrall me fully, the harsh impact on the net, made the pain in my lower back, where I had landed on the street and been landed on by the idiot, flare up once again.

 

Groaning, I was startled, as someone pulled the net down, making me roll over.

Brushing the wild, tangled locks out of my face, I raised my gaze and meet deep brown eyes. Blinking rapidly, I wondered why Dante was standing in front of me. Normally the instructors pulled the initiates out of the net.

“Come on.” He said, placing his hands on my sides and pulled me towards him. To keep my balance, I quickly placed mine on his shoulder, holding tightly, as Dante set me down onto my own feet. Never once left his gaze mine and I lost myself in the deep swirls of brown, that were laced with golden specks, completely enrapturing my attention.

 

“Lexi?” Lightly shaking my head, I tried to concentrate on what he was saying, but he just repeated my name a second time. “Lexi?”

 

Looking at him in confusion, because I thought he knew my name, Dante sighed deeply, before slowly untangling himself from me. I ripped my hands of his shoulders, only now realizing I had been touching him the whole time, trying to fight of the blush that threatened to creep onto my face.

“You want your name to be Lexi?” Dante asked once again and this time I nodded in agreement, making him smile lightly at me.

 

“First jumper: Lexi!” He called out, causing the dauntless all around us to go mad with shouts of triumph. Turning around, Dante still smiled. “Welcome back.”

 

“Lexi!” I heard my name being called from behind and before I could even turn around, I was engulfed by two broad, identical chests. Choking me, the twins only tightened their grip on me, until I finally managed to push them off. “You´re back!”

 

“Did we miss something?” Andy asked, looking from me, pointedly towards Dante.

“Yeah, we could all feel the sexual tension over there. I got all bothered by it.” Jon joked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. I only rolled my eyes at them, trying to escape, but every attempt was futile, since they just pulled me back, so I surrendered. “Yup. No need to deny it.”

Sighing, I leaned my head against Andy’s chest, exhausted from everything that had happened today.

“On another note... We saw what happened with the door.”  Jon said, looking at me concerned.

“How the hell did you managed to get to the ceremony in time?” Andy added, making me smirk smugly at the fact, that none of my family members, or anyone else knew what I was doing, when I was in the city.

I´m sure Dad would have my head for jumping over roof tops, but he never found out.

What can I say? I´m a skilled human being…

 

The twins lead me towards the crowd, asking me questions, I couldn’t answer, when we arrived, where my sister was waiting, to pull me into her arms.

“God, I was so worried! Dad was so worried about your whereabouts, he blew up all our phones and Mom almost came back from amity!” Harper mumbled into my hair and I endured her embrace for a socially acceptable time, before pulling back, looking behind me.

When Dante met my gaze and smirked slightly, I turned quickly around again, blushing, as I saw three pairs of eyes observing my every move.

“And what the hell was that?”

To my sorrow, Harper had inherited my father’s perceptiveness…

Only shrugging, I turned around, just as the next jumper landed inside the net, his scream echoing through the stony hallways.

.

.

.

After the better of twenty minutes, everyone from the roof was now inside the cave and since Ben was still on the roof and Theo still at the hub, it was time for the instructors to brief us.

Only now the thought occurred me, that I had no idea who would actually train the dauntless born. I had only heard that the transfers were trained by someone, that went through initiation two years ago and wasn’t well liked by his peers.

 

And that guy, I suppose, was now standing in front of us, beside Dante, his scrutinizing gaze and wrinkled nose showing his distaste at the lot of us.

There were 10 transfers, consisting of three candor, four erudites, a pair of abnegation twins and an amity, while we were 14 dauntless born, eventhough I knew we were supposed to be 15…

 

Two of us had deflected, earning themselves a harsh glare from my father, but it didn’t stop them at all. And I was glad about it.

Everyone should be able to be, where they belong.

 

“Listen up!” The snobby guy, with a face full of piercing called us to attention. “I´m Blade and I will be the instructor for the transfers!” The only thing I could do, was roll my eyes. Why on earth did all those transfers think, these names sounded cool?!

The only thing they did, was to show their conceitedness and the fact, that they overestimated themselves.

Before I knew it, Blade was right in my face, glaring down at me.

“Is there a problem, initiate?!”  Startled, I looked up at the guy, that totally invaded my personal space. Something I hated strange men doing.

Clenching my fists, until my knuckles turned white, I looked him square in the eye, before slowly shaking my head.

  
“Use your words, initiate!” He snarled at me, his close proximity causing spit to land on my face. With calculated movements, I raised my hand and wiped it away, careful that my fist wouldn’t accidently land in the brute’s face.

Shaking my head once again, while looking at _Blade_ defiantly, something vaguely familiar flashed through his eyes and I knew, he was itching to hurt me.

I had seen that look one too many times…

 

Everyone around us was deadly silent and I was afraid, our little stand-off would result in something, that would earn me a punishment for the rest of initiation, just before a hand appeared between us. It pushed Blade away and someone stepped between us, diverting his attention.

As I faced the back of my savior, I inhaled deeply, not noticing, that I had held my breath.

 

“Let me handle her.” Dante told Blade, before turning towards me and ushering me away into the hallway, by my shoulder. “Dauntless born, follow me!”

 

“You okay?” Dante asked quietly, his hand now on the lower of my back, as we made our way to the pit. I rolled my eyes lightly, but tried to smile at him, to show him my gratitude. It turned out to be a grimace.

The look in Blade´s eyes had just shaken me and I tried to push the impending feeling of doom away. That look was always followed by a severe punishment.

One, that left me wishing, they would just get through with it already and kill me, every single time.

But that never happened.

 

Arriving at the pit, Dante turned around, gesturing for us to stop.

“For all of you, that don’t know me, my name is Dante. Since you don’t need a tour of the compound, you have two hours to get your stuff from home and get it into the dorms. The welcoming dinner is in three hours and I expect you to be here 20 minutes before it starts. Training tomorrow is from eight am till 6 pm, so don’t get drunk of your asses tonight.

Theo and Ben will both overlook initiation, since they are leaders, but I will be your instructor.” Dante grinned at us, or rather at me, making all the girls around me swoon, while I just stared at him with wide eyes and open mouthed. I must have been a sight to behold, because Dante started to chuckle.

“And I am sure, we will have _a lot_ of fun together.”

 

 

Fuck. my. Life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter till now! :) Thanks for reading!


	5. chapter 4

**I made my way** to our apartment, only now realizing I had been wrong this morning. I would frequently come home during initiation, even if it just was to shower.

The bathrooms adjoining the dorms had been renovated a few years ago, but they were still disgusting. And sharing them with six boys would be hell.

 

Five of them were part of Marc´s little group. Most of them were tolerable on their own, but as a group insufferable, especially when they joined Cat and her minions, to hit the pit and get drunk.

Together, they had been the worst group in school, always picking on weaker dependents and abnegation members.

They were something like the poster child for peer pressure.

 

Owen, who usually hung out with Avery and Ivy was the only one of the boys, I liked. Or could tolerate for longer periods of time.

He was always polite, never making fun of anyone and ready to lend a helping hand, to anyone in need. And since he was an impressive fighter, Marc and his minions always left him alone, eventhough this behavior would have labelled him as stiff otherwise.

For following the real meaning of our manifesto, Owen had earned my respect.

 

Unlocking the front door, walking into the flat, still lost in thoughts about my fellow initiates and Dante, I was greeted with half of my family sitting in the living room, all watching my father.

Dad´s pacing around, let me freeze midair, as I sized him up warily.

An agitated Eric, was a dangerous Eric and I had no desire to spend my whole initiation helping set up the training room or something similar horrific, just because Dad was mad about something.

Or someone.

But my entrance didn’t stay unnoticed and as the door slammed shut behind me, all heads turn towards me.

This set up looked like a family intervention and I was scared to find out, what they were doing here.

 

“Now that you´re here, Lexi, can you tell me where the fuck you´ve been this morning?” Dad snarled, taking a few threatening steps towards me. But because I knew he was all bark, no bite, at least with his family, I stood my ground, eventhough he was intimidating as hell.

I had done nothing wrong, so I just shrugged my shoulders. Since I had been on time, there was nothing to reprimand me about.

But he didn’t see it that way.

 

“Don’t give me that attitude, young lady! Do you have any idea how bad that made us all look? Or what would have happened, if you would have missed your choosing?!”

Rolling my eyes at his dramatics, eventhough I knew Dad was simply concerned, the only thing I wanted to do, was to grab my stuff and get going, before the other idiots got the good beds.

“Don´t you dare, give me that attitude!”

 

Dad looked ready to combust, just when Jon stood up, raising his hands in a calming gesture, coming to my rescue.

I had almost been sure that Dad would have imprisoned me in the kitchen for the rest of my life, when my cousin started to speak.  
“Chill, Uncle E. It wasn’t even her fault.”

Dad turned around to scowl at him, eventhough I could see, how he was slowly deflating like a blow-up doll.

 

“And whose fault was it then?! Because the way I see it, my daughter once again put her future at stake, just to spite me!”

 

_Excuse me?!_

What the _hell?!_

 

Staring at my father in open-mouthed incredulousness, I asked myself if this was really the way, he saw me. I knew, I wasn’t the kind of child any parent would want, but nothing I did was out of maliciousness.

Though I didn’t show it, I still loved every single member of my family.

And that would never change.

 

“Yeah, I´m sure Lexi told the blonde bimbo to pull the exit door shut, just to piss _you_ off.” Andy chimed in, sarcastically smiling at my father. But I´ve already had enough shit for a day, so I just pushed past my father, hurrying into my room, followed by the shouts of the debating, that seemed to be obligatory in this family.

“What do you mean, someone did it on purpose?!” I heard my mother ask, just before my door slammed shut.

 

Grabbing one of my training bags, I pulled open the drawers, throwing my clothes into it.

Black, black, dark red and wow... more black.

Having at least ten shirts, five normal pants and four training pants, I went to grab another long sleeved one, when I felt a sharp pain on my ring finger.

 

Hissing, I pulled my hand back, examining the cut, where blood was oozing out. It was at least an inch long and had been caused by something really sharp, since I only just scraped the object.

It was the second cut I got today, on the same hand at that and it burned just like the first one. Going into my bathroom, I got a paper towel, to stop the bleeding, before I went back to my drawer.   
Carefully this time, I pulled the long sleeved shirt out, making something fall into the bottom, clattering loudly.

But it was the object, I saw, that made me stagger backwards, taking away my breath.

There, inside the drawer, buried under heaps of clothes, laid the knife, I haven’t seen for over four years.

 

I carefully stepped up to the commode again. Picking it up, I carefully examined the stainless steel and the black handle, realizing it was just how I remembered it, still as beautiful as the first day I got it.

Even the engravings were as good as new…

 

            _Happy 14 th birthday_

_from your best friend_

_Forever and always_

_Sam_

It was the last gift I ever got from him, only weeks before we´d been taken. After my rescue, I couldn’t bare looking at it, so I must have thrown it into the drawer thoughtlessly, like I had done with all the things, that reminded me of my best friend.

Remembering that moment clear as day, I shuttered at the images running through my head. It was only a few days after I´d been released from the infirmary and you could call what I was going through, a psychotic breakdown.

I destroyed everything in my room.

Every single thing that would remind me of the person, I would never see again.

The person I was.

The person that died on his knees and the one that came back barely breathing.

After that, I had nothing that reminded me of Sam in any way.

Nothing except this knife.

 

That day, my father found me and eventhough he managed to restrain me, as underweight, as I was, they had to sedate me to stop me from going on a rampage.

The good ol´ days…

 

Running my thumbnail over the sharp edge, it was funnily enough the memories, that hurt most, not the cuts I endured.

But what I had learned with the time was, that the physical pain was a welcoming distraction, so I slowly pressed the tip of the knife into the fingertip of my thumb, never to the point of drawing blood, but still piercing my skin.

The knife was as sharp, as it was the day I got it.

I slowly put it back onto the drawer, before stepping away, my thoughts still lingering anywhere, but in the present.

 

Being all too aware of the voices echoing through the flat, I exhaled deeply, grabbing my combat boots and a pair of sneakers, also stuffing them into the bag, before fastening the zipper.

Flinging it over my shoulder, I made my way towards the door, but stopped with my hand on the knob, before letting go of the bag. As it landed with a loud thud, I was already halfway through the room again, grabbing the knife and stuffing it into my boot, before I could change my mind.

It couldn’t hurt to have something to defend myself with, that was also a reminder, of why I was going through all this shit.

Eyes on the prize.

And mine would be a bloody one.

 

 This time I walked out of my room without hesitation, coming face to face with my mother, that was looking at my father accusingly.

“You shouldn’t always judge her without knowing the whole story, Eric! That will only make things worse!” Mom spoke harshly, but was interrupted by a cough, that was supposed to inauspiciously aware her of my presence.

Too bad, the twins were anything but subtle.

 

“Alexis, honey. Is it true that this girl closed the door on purpose?” Turning towards me, Mom´s expression was full of worry. “If you want us to talk to her…”

Registering my disbelieving stare, Mom trailed off, just as Dad scoffed loudly.

“If Lexi is anything, she is capable of fending for herself. My daughter is not weak and this is not amity. If they have a problem with each other, they can settle it in the ring.”

At least one thing Dad and I agreed on.

Sometimes, fighting was a lot easier than talking.

And a lot more satisfying.

 

“And we all know who would win.”  Andy chimed in, throwing me a wink, making me roll my eyes in return.

Eventhough he was right.

Cat wouldn’t stand a chance against me and it would be fun, to mess up her face. That thought made me grin a little, but when I looked up and Dad mirrored it, I got confused. Why would _he_ smirk like that?

And why at _me?_

 

“ _See,_ Amy. Our daughter can handle herself.” His self-satisfying smirk was met with a deadpan stare from mom.

“But violence isn’t always the answer!”

 

“Sometimes it is. Especially in dauntless.” Not wanting to be in the middle of their banter yet again, I quickly walked over to Tris, completely ignoring my parents and their little fights that would just lead them to making up again.

Hours on end…

 

Knowing exactly, what I wanted, Tris stretched her arms out, handing me little Sam. Smiling at the small child, that wasn’t a toddler anymore, with her three years and two months, I pressed a kiss to her head, knowing she was the other reason I could never leave dauntless.

I could never abandon her.

Not after she saved me from myself.

 

“You stayed!” Sam exclaimed, smiling widely. “Mommy said you would.” As I nodded at her, she placed both her hands on my face, squishing my cheeks, making me look like a fish. Giggling loudly at that, Sam pressed a clumsy kiss to my puckered lips, before throwing her arms around my neck, muttering into my hair.

“Love you.”

 

Regretfully, I hugged her close to me one more time, before handing her back to Tris. As little Sam started to protest, Tris had to explain that I had to leave, or my ´teacher´ would be mad at me.

Wiggling my fingers at little Sam, I walked over to my bag, but was interrupted by my mother, who threw her arms around me.

“Take care, sweetheart. You are still my baby girl. And always will be”

I awkwardly hugged her back, not really comfortable with the close proximity to another person.

Letting me go, Mom turned around, to brush her tears off, trying to do so, without anyone of us noticing. But she failed miserably.

Taking her place, Dad understood my reluctance against any touch, so he just placed a hand on the back of my head, before pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“Show them what Coulter´s are made of, champ.”

Rolling my eyes at his competitiveness, I only made Dad smirk. He knew I had trained endless hours for my initiation and was close to my big brother in fighting skills. I even outshone him in knife throwing.

So Dad had nothing to worry about his legacy.

 

“And don’t pull any stunts like the one this morning. You practically earned yourself a month of mess hall duty just for looking at the tree hugger bowl.” Dad exclaimed, as I was already half out of the door, making me turn around one last time, smirking at him evilly.

My father was so easy to infuriate.

_Goal accomplished._

.

.

.

Arriving as one of the first at the dorms, even with my family drama, I wasn’t even surprised in the slightest. I knew, Cat and her minions had to pack up tons of makeup, not to mention all their slutty clothes. So the only other dauntless born already inside the dorm, were Ivy and Avery, that had chosen beds in the right far corner.

Out of habit, I choose the bed in the left far corner. It was close to the bathroom and far enough away from the door. Not to mention that it was easier to defend myself in the corner, where there was nothing that could sneak up to me from behind.

Stowing away all my stuff in the trunk, that set on the foot of my bed, I locked it, before hooking the key into a chain. Wearing it as a necklace had been a tip from Harper, so I would never have to search for it, or lose it.

 

On my way out, I was suddenly flanked by the two other girls, startling me slightly, when Avery clasped a hand on my shoulder.

“You know, we all thought you weren’t going to show up this morning. Especially when your father started to freak out. It was pretty funny.”

 

I slowly turned my head, to look at her. Usually people got the message, to keep their hands to themselves pretty fast, but Avery was just chatting on, mistaking, that my glare was meant for something she said and not what she was doing right now.

 

“Not that it was funny that you weren’t there, but your father’s expression and all that. Don’t tell him, though. I would like to live to see my 19th birthday…

However, what do you think of our instructor? He´s hot, isn’t he? Right?”

As Avery looked at me expectantly, I only stared back, until she realized her mistake. It was kind of funny to just stare at people and wait, that they realized their mistake.

I lived to see the moment, they turned away, embarrassed or afraid, that they hurt my feelings. As if I wasn’t used to it.

 “Oh, right. I forgot you´re not talking.”

_Nice._

 

That moment, Ivy came up from behind, pushing her friend away and making her stumble on the uneven cave floor, so that she almost fell, face first.

 

“Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I wish Avery would just shut up sometimes. She doesn’t seem to take a hint.”  
As she saw my gaze, that only screamed _´Really, you say so? ´_ , Ivy started laughing, while Avery just pouted.

“Hey! I´m still your best friend!”

“And an annoying one at that.” Ivy mumbled, making me chuckle silently. Never knowing those two were actually quite funny, I was pretty content walking and later sitting with them. When we met Dante in the pit, he only gestured for us, to continue into the mess hall, since we were the only ones ready.

 

To my astonishment, I actually had a good time with the two girls, my only problem being the fact, that they seemed to have the hots for every single male member of my family. Resulting in a lot of cringe worthy moments, when either of them spoke of indescribable things, they would like to do to them.

Soon, we were joined by the transfers, that had changed into black in the meantime and I immediately spotted the nose, that had jumped onto me on the roof. The former erudite immediately lowered his gaze, as he saw me looking at him. Following my gaze to the guy, Avery scrutinized the blushing transfer questioningly.

 

“Okay, what did I miss here? Any secret and forbidden affairs between members of different factions?” Speaking suggestively, Avery looked from me to the nose and broke into hearty laughter, when she caught sight of my grimace.

 

“No, I accidently jumped onto her on the roof…” The nose said, looking down onto his lap again, to avoid looking at me, but after a minute of silence, he raised his head reluctantly. He was startled, when he saw Avery and Ivy staring at him, jaw wide open.

 

“You _fell_ onto her? Like literally?!” As the nose nodded, Avery let out a low whistle, before looking over at me. “And you´re still alive? You really must be hell of a lot lucky, then.”

At that, all the initiates around me started to laugh hysterically, while I only glared at Avery.

I´m really not _that_ bad.

But instead of intimidating them with my glare, like normally, I only earned myself a slap to the shoulder.

The transfers introduced themselves and I learned, that the nose was called Pete and his erudite friend Thomas, while the abnegation twins, that were surprisingly pretty funny, were Rob and Bob.

 

Mostly just listening to their joking around, I tried to keep my stony expression, but sometimes it just wasn’t possible. Especially since they seemed all hell-bend on making me laugh. They even had some sort of bet going on.

But when the rest of the dauntless born arrived, Cat leading them towards our table, I decided, I´ve had enough for the night.

Listening to Cat, when she bragged about her boy toys or complained about other useless stuff wasn’t high on my agenda and since I´ve heard Dad give countless speeches on choosing day, I left the mess hall early, to seek refugee somewhere else.

Only the thought of having people touch me everywhere, when they lifted up the initiates, to let them crowd surf, like every year, made my skin crawl.

So with one last wave of my hand, I left the cafeteria, not noticing the brown eyes that followed my every movement.

.

.

.

Not wanting to stay in the empty dorms, I ended up at the chasm. Sitting in an alcove, ducked away, it did a great job in hiding me from members walking by. I was still lost in thoughts, playing with the knife, I had just found again, while staring into the depths of the abyss in front of me.

The noises of water streaming over stone had the same calming effects on my mind, like the wind in amity used to and I was finally able to relax a little.

My day had been full of drama and I was exhausted, so much so, that I didn’t notice the person coming up to me, until he plopped down on my side. Startled, I brought down the knife, ready to defend myself, when a hand on my wrist stopped me, only inches away from a muscled thigh.

Turning my head up, I stared wide eyed into brown ones, that sparkled with amusement.

 

“Attacking your instructor before training even started. I thought your father raised you better.” Dante joked, eventhough I really almost stabbed him a few seconds ago.

Exhaling deeply, I sunk back into the cave wall, letting my head drop into my neck. His appearance had shocked me and I felt the fatigue creep into my bones, when the tenseness left my body.

A hand on my shoulder made me turn my head slowly, to meet the gaze of a concerned looking Dante.

“You left the mess hall, before your brother even gave his speech. Is everything alright?”

_So my brother welcomed the initiates this year…_

Smiling tiredly at Dante, to reassure him, I turned back to running my fingers over the engraving on my knife.

“That´s a nice knife you have there.”

I nodded my head at him, to express my agreement, before tucking it back into my boot and turning my head towards my instructor, letting my gaze wander all over him.

Dante truly looked good, with his brown hair and sharp jaw. I don’t even want to get started on his muscles…

 

When his face contorted into a smirk, I realized what exactly I was doing. Checking out your instructor isn’t something you should do, so I turned away quickly, willing my cheeks to stop heating up.

But he let it go, to not embarrass me further and we just sat there in silence for a few minutes, before he decided to speak again.

 

“You are tired, Lexi. Why don’t you go to sleep?” Dante asked softly, his eyes shining brightly, as he bumped my shoulder lightly. “Training starts early.”

Getting up, he stretched his hand out. Grapping it, Dante pulled me up a little too fast, barreling me into his chest.

I had no idea, if he did it on purpose, but I won’t complain.

Placing his hands on my hips, Dante held me steady to him, preventing me from falling over, so close to the chasm.

Stepping back, he grabbed my elbow and helped me back into the hallway, before turning to walk away with an adorable smile on his face.

“Have a good night.”

 

I watched him striding down towards the member’s quarter, admiring his backside, when Dante suddenly stopped and turned back around.

“Oh, Lexi?” When I raised one eyebrow, not knowing what he would want from me, the guy, I had labeled as my savior, started to smirk. “You´re out past curfew. Meet me tomorrow at 7 in the training room to start your punishment.”

 

Groaning, I tilted my head back, not believing that I had gotten a punishment for something petty as this, while Dante walked away, snickering loudly at my misery.

 

I really don’t like this guy.

 


	6. chapter 5

**If Dante thought** he would catch me of guard with having to wake up so early, he wasn’t in the least successful. Eventhough I went to bed around 12 am last night, I woke up again at 4 am, panting heavily. I shot up in the unfamiliar bed, my unconsciousness ripping me out of the nightmare, before it came to the best part. Groaning, I turned around again.

Sarcasm so early in the day isn’t good for me.

 

The only good thing about me not speaking was, that I wasn’t screaming in my sleep. But even so, it was only a matter of time, till someone would find me trashing in my sleep, trying to murder someone with my bedsheets.

Gotta love dorms...

 

Not wanting to lie around in bed, analyzing my nightmare and reliving the memory, just because it was such fun, like I usually would at home, I got up pretty quickly and after a lukewarm shower, I was on my way to the mess hall.

 

Since most dauntless had celebrated the arrival of the initiates with lots of alcohol, the cafeteria was mostly empty, with the exception of the members, that had to be on patrol in a few hours.

And even those looked like they had stayed up all night, with the way they were holding their Styrofoam cups filled with coffee, as if it was a life saver.

For some it surely was.

 

Grabbing myself a cup and a bit of oatmeal, I wasn’t really hungry, but knew I had to eat something, before working out for at least eight hours.

So I forced the disgusting pap down, eventhough it was slimy.

Cafeteria food could be really repulsive.

It almost made me miss Mom´s cooking.

 

 

* * *

 

When Dante found me in the training room after seven, mind me, _he_ was late, I was already warmed up and had been jogging at a leisure pace for over an hour.

For any other person, the lack of sleep combined with the physical activity, would have been gruesome, but I was used to it. Any time I wanted to get my mind of things, I worked out, no matter the hour.

No matter how tired I was.

It wasn’t even unusual for me to fall asleep on the matts in the storage room, because I couldn’t bother walking home for 20 minutes, after my legs failed me, because I had been doing suicides and sprints for hours at time.

Or maybe it was the change of scenery, that helped me fall asleep. Away from the concerned eyes of my mother and the helpless ones of my father, that turned to frustration, I could forget everything for a while and fall asleep easier.

Or at all, if you see it that way.

 

“You´re early.” Dante said, his gaze raking over my sweating form, a huge bag in hand. Shooting a pointed luck at the clock, I raised my eyebrows at my instructor. Seeing the time, Dante grinned sheepishly at me, only shrugging his shoulders. He walked over to the table, that stood on one side of the training room, taking out water bottles.

“I´m your instructor. I´m allowed to be late.” He said, as he turned around, throwing a bottle at me.  

Caught off guard, I just barely managed to catch the bottle with the tips of my fingers, happy it didn’t smack into my face. The glare I shot him in thanks, didn’t faze him at all.

No matter, what I seemed to do, Dante always shrugged my stand-offish behavior off, never getting mad at me. He seemed to have the patience of a saint, at least when it came to me, which was strange, because I enraged most people.

Dante was always calm, except the one time he tried to explain me, that he wouldn’t take advantage of me.

I snorted at the memory. As if he would´ve been able to.

 

I brushed the hair out of my face, that was slightly sweat stricken, before tilting my head back and taking a big gulp out of the water bottle. That object could have caused my first injury in initiation, which would have been pitiful, if you ask me.

Dad´s main advice while training, I had to listen to for _years_ , was, to always stay hydrated and I usually followed this rule.

His other ones… not so much.

                                                                                                                                    

From the corner of my eye, I saw Dante watching me, trying to be inauspicious about it. If I would have been Cat or one of her sluts, I would have given him a show, by pouring the rest of the bottle over myself. But I was neither interested in trying to be appear sexy, which I was not, nor in walking around wet for the rest of the morning.

I´m just talking about my shirt here, even if his back muscles seemed to sing for me, like sirens to the sailors.

And judging from the way my sister gushed over him, I wasn’t the only one with those urges.

 

“How long have you been in here?” Dante asked with a sideway glance at me, while I helped him set up the bottles on the table. Shrugging my shoulders, I went to grab another bottle, but a hand on my wrist stopped me. Looking up, the worried look on Dante´s face, made something inside me churn and I wasn’t able to rip away my hand, like I normally would have. Turning me towards him, he went on.

“I´m serious. I caught you around eleven thirty, last night. Did you sleep at all?”

 

I shot him a look, that screamed for him, to mind his own business, before prying his hand away from my arm and returning to my task. It really wasn’t something he should bother with and I was just here to help him.

Not that I think Dante would care, because why should he?

We´re not friends and there is certainly no one, that worries about me getting enough rest at night, not even my family anymore.

So he won´t either.

 

“I can see, you think it´s none of my business, but I´m your instructor. That means I am responsible for your physical and emotional health, which means getting enough rest and not overworking yourself.”

 

My incredulous facial expression must have said it all.

 

This wasn’t how an instructor was to treat his initiates _at all_ and I´m sure, such words would have never, _ever_ left my father´s mouth. Instead of babying me, Dante should push me further.

To my breaking point.

Until I wasn’t any longer able to tell, what my name was or where I lived.

Figuratively spoken.

 

Having heard the story about how my parents fell in love with each other and how Tris and Four met, I was aware, those were the romanticized versions, but I knew, both had been instructors and _both_ had been assholes.

There was no way, I believed Mom, when she said that she and Dad fell in love after having a heartfelt talk.

Firstly, Dad wasn’t the type to show much emotion and secondly, Tris gave them away.

When we were in amity, she told me how Four completely lost it after finding out my Mom was pregnant with Theo, eventhough he had no idea Mom and Dad were a thing back then. I couldn’t believe that at first, because sleeping with a random guy wouldn’t suit Mom´s character at all.

But what was even more astonishing was, that the poster child of our family, my father´s biggest pride and one of our most prestigious leaders, had in fact been a mistake.

Not that I would call an unexpected child a mistake, because they could be the best thing ever happening to someone, but my brother hadn’t been planned. Still, he managed to bypass every expectation, others had of him and Ben.

I, on the other hand, had been planned. And I am the one, giving my parents grief, by not following rules at all.

I simply _love_ cosmically jokes.

 

Back to the subject at hand. I know, Dad let some guy beat up Mom pretty bad and Four did nothing, when the same happened to Tris. They both tried to toughen their wife´s up, because that´s the one thing a soldier simply _has_ to have.

Endurance.

And I know, both of them would have been caught dead, before speaking of mental health to one of the initiates. They would have more likely hung them over the chasm.

Daddy’s favorite pastime.

 

To express my line of thoughts, I grabbed his left hand, turning it around, so the palm faced upwards. Pushing up his sleeve, I was only too aware of his questioning gaze, that was aimed at my face. Touching first his wrist, where the dauntless emblem adorned his skin, I then raised my hand to lightly tap my finger on his temple.

But eventhough I was able to convey my thoughts to him, I hadn’t taken our close proximity into account, while doing so. But then, Dante lightly grabbed my wrist, that still lingered on his forehead, engulfing my small hand with his bigger one.

Now he was only inches away from me, so close, that I could feel his minty breath fanning my face, making my breathing speed up in anticipation.

 

“So you want to tell me, I´m not thinking like a dauntless would...?”

 

Nodding my head, like in trance, I stared into Dante´s eyes, the brown depths enthralling me, while the golden specks made them sparkle, even in the dim light. Not aware of my slightly parted mouth, I inhaled deeply, my gaze now flitting over his face, taking in his beautiful long lashes, while I longed to feel his stubbles rub all over my body, as he made his way down...

 

Dante was watching me closely, but when his eyes flickered down to my lips, I was hit by a memory, like it was a train.

Dark, empty halls.

Almost falling over, while giggling to myself.

My hands running throw wavy hair… How soft it was…

A passionate kiss…

Legs slung around a waist, back pressed into cold stone…

Then,

Being rocked to sleep.

Security…

Feeling completely safe in the army of a stranger…

 

Blinking rapidly, I quickly took a step backwards, my eyes directed to the ground, while I could feel my cheeks heat up.

That couldn´t have happened… _Could it?!_

 

“Right…” Sounding slightly embarrassed, Dante cleared his throat, but I didn’t raise my head. I couldn’t look at him. Not after remembering that. “You should fetch some breakfast, it´s gonna be a long day…”

As he trailed off, I nodded enthusiastically, eventhough I already ate and turned on the spot, almost running out of the training room.

The only thought on my mind…

I was seriously fucked.

 

 

* * *

 

 

I´d arrived in the mess hall at half past seven, meeting the other initiates, that only now ate breakfast. Taking a seat beside Ivy, Avery pestered me about, where I had been, while Owen, their best friend, guessed from my appearance, that I went on a run.

Nibbling on an apple, lost in thought, it soon was time to leave again, so I threw away the almost untouched fruit, following the pair of three, that were mindlessly chattering, back into the training room.

I dreaded going back there so soon, but I had no choice, but to suck it up.

It´s what I always do, so it couldn’t be that hard this time.

Or so I hoped.

 

In no time, I was standing in front of my instructor again, squished between Avery and Owen, while Dante paced in front of us.

 

“You are dauntless born, so I have to inform you about the rankings and how they work. You know how to get on and off a running train, how to get through the compound and you are schooled in the basics of combat, knife throwing and shooting.”

Dante stopped, before running his gaze over the lot of us, only lingering on my form for a fraction longer, then it would have been usual, for another instructor.

Not wanting to appear meek, like when I left half an hour ago, I met his gaze and I swear, I saw his lips twitch in amusement, before he put his instructor face back on.

 

“You should be able to climb and eventhough it is forbidden to talk about the fear sims, all of you know exactly, what awaits you.”

When he´s right, he´s right.

 

The sims were the only part of initiation, I dreaded, because I knew what mine would consist of. At least a few of them.

And apart from humiliating me, I was sure, they would get me into deep shit.

There were things, no one knew off and that´s how I preferred it to be. But with my father, brother _and_ cousin overseeing the fear landscape, it dawned to me just now, that specific fears would reveal _everything_ to them.

And my lies would end up, like a house of cards, that collapses, in front of my eyes.

 

The mere thought of this happening, sent me into a frenzy and I felt my heartrate accelerate, while I struggled to catch my breath. Inhaling deeply, I tried to calm myself, by focusing on Dante, whose burning gaze I felt on my hyperventilating form.

Clenching my fists, I caught his eyes and while he continued to speak, without once breaking eye contact, I felt myself slowly calm down again.

Everything about him was soothing.

From the tone of his voice, to the colour of his hair and his smile.

Dante was the epitome of groundedness, whereas I was a balloon, being thrown around by the wind.

Where I was under duress, he was calm. I was standoffish, he was embracing.

Where I was a storm, he was the huge oak, nothing could uproot.

I was wind and he was earth.

 

And right now, Dante was anchoring me to him, with only one look, that told a thousand things at once.

 

 

“I knew you believe, you´re the best in everything, but believe me, _you´re not._ We will push you to the breaking point and further, to see if you are meant to be dauntless. If you are able to endure, what we burden you with. If you can obey commands, without hesitating.

To see, if you think like a dauntless.” His last sentence was followed by an almost invisible wink, that made the corners of my mouth turn upwards.

At least he listened to me.

 

The door being thrown open, made all our heads turn, attention now scattered. And the person that came strolling in, seemingly without a care in the world, was no one else, but my brother.

 Nodding at Dante, Theo took a stand beside him, mirroring the military stance of Dad, that managed to intimidate everyone around him, but only made me roll my eyes.

But like Dad, nothing escaped his hawk like gaze and he raised his eyebrows at me, before looking back at Dante, pondering about something.

I just hoped, Theo didn’t see the footage of us leaving an alcove together yesterday, or being alone in the training room this morning, but judging from his expression, he had indeed seen it.

 

“You all know who I am. But for those, who don’t remember my name, I´m Theo, one of your leaders and I will oversee your initiation.” My brother addressed us, his voice ringing through the huge room, while Avery snickered, beside me.

“And a hot piece of ass.”

Rubbing my face in irritation at her _subtleness_ , I saw my brother smirk self-satisfied, because instead of whispering only to Ivy, like she had intended to, everyone in a mile had heard her.

 

“However,” My brother drawled, still trying to put his stony face back on, but not succeeding. “we have decided to do initiation a little different this year. Eventhough there will still be the three stages, the first and second one will be combined.”

Furrowing my brow in confusion, because not one of my countless family members, that made this changes, decided to inform me of this, I silently agreed with the confused exclamations of the dauntless born around me.

“Initiation will only last three months this time, because four seemed to be unnecessarily long.”

_The fuck?!_

I was getting pretty pissed at both my brother _and_ farther for leaving me in the dark, while the shouting around me got louder.

  
“Quiet!” My brothers voice boomed through the room, making everyone shut up instantly. They knew better than to mess with a Coulter.

“Stop being so melodramatic. Be _glad_ instead that you have a _whole month_ less of our torture, so shut up!”

 

“Like Theo said, the stages will be combined.” Dante went on with a sideway glance at my brother, who was glaring down Cat, that had voiced her displeasure the loudest.

“The first month will be physical and combat only, but the next five weeks will be half combat and half sim training. After that two weeks just sims and one week, fear landscape training, before the final test.”

 

 _Just great_. Instead of the usual ten weeks of first stage, I only had four weeks to decide, what I wanted to do.

If I hoped, that nothing revealed itself in form of my sims, or if I choose to come clean with my parents.

It all came, to who would administer my sims. If it was my brother or… Dante.

The one person I didn’t want to see my fears.

But also the only one I would entrust with watching them and keeping his mouth shut.

Either way, everything that could go wrong in my life, seemed to go wrong, right now.

 

“Enough said. Get yourself warmed up.” My brother shouted, but as I went to do as he said, he called me back. “Lexi, come here for a second.”

Throwing him a questioning glance, I saw Dante seemed to be as clueless as I was, while watching the two of us, but my brother was leading me away, a hand on my shoulder.

When we were out of hearing range, my brother turned us around, so no one could see what he was saying to me.

 

“I saw you with him. Both yesterday and this morning. And after finding you in his apartment, I have to ask you that. Are you sleeping with Dante?”

Theo spoke lowly, trying to not draw attention onto us. And eventhough I had already guessed, this was coming, it still shocked me.

Shaking my head, I looked him in the eye, to indicate that I wasn’t lying, but Theo only sighed deeply.

 

“Listen, I´m not judging and I won’t reprimand you, really. But I have to know, so please tell me the truth. Are you sleeping with him?”  
When I denied it a second time, Theo still didn’t seem to believe me, but he dropped his shoulders in defeat, dismissing me. “Alright then. Get to work, initiate.”

 

Winking at me, I scowled at my brother playfully, before shoving him out of my way, to join the other initiates, that were running circles around the perimeter of the room.

When I caught up with them, I found myself once again beside Ivy, who matched my pace pretty well, while Avery was already slacking off a little. She wouldn’t have it easy with that stamina.

 

“Everything alright?” Ivy inquired lowly, trying not to pry, I gave her a tight lipped smile in return, to reassure her. We ran side by side in silence, saving our energy for the gruesome workouts, I knew Theo would force us to endure.

This was only the start of my day and I already couldn’t wait for it to end already, so I could figure out, what the hell was happening between me and my instructor.

And when I saw Cat glaring at me from the other side of the room, I knew one thing for sure.

It promised to be a drama filled initiation for all of us.

 

I just hoped I would come stronger out of it, than I was before.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a few things Lexi hasn’t told anyone… but she has still time to decide what to do. I hope you like how the story goes! :)  I actually wanted Dante to be a lot more like Four, but he seems to have a mind of his own :D
> 
> Thank you for reading!! :)


	7. Chapter 6

**The first day** of training was always the hardest. At least, that´s what my family told me. But the first half of my day consisted only of jogging and stretching, something I had already done.

So by the time, lunch rolled around, I was convinced, they had either all lied to me or I was so used to training all day, that it didn’t affect me anymore.

For a few other dauntless born, the training this morning hadn’t been that easy.

 

Especially Cat and her best friend Lyssa slacked off after only an hour of running through the training room, soon followed by the other three of her minions.

Instead of training and preparing themselves, all they ever did, was talk about, who looked good and what kind of make-up or skimpy outfit they bought yesterday.

To celebrate choosing dauntless, every one of them had colored their hair platinum blonde, like Cat´s, so the only difference between their hair was, that they all had a different colored ends.

 

Not to mention the names they choose. I mean, Kathy wasn’t too bad, but Candy and Kitty just sounded ridiculous. As if they could make their money, dancing in one of dauntless strip clubs, that were located somewhere in the middle of the city.

It was something, Avery and Ivy agreed whole-heartedly with me, when they heard me snorting, while we passed them several times.

 

To my astonishment, Avery had been able to keep up pretty good, rather than falling behind, like I had thought she would. After seeing my sideway glances, she told me, she had levelled her energy, which would in hindsight been good to know before.

We three were able to hold our own against the rest, that consisted of just boys, who usually did more weight lifting, because dauntless was all about keeping up appearances.

If they wouldn’t need abs to get laid, for all the dauntless ladies were suckers for muscles, I´m sure they would´ve lingered around the compound all day, drank beer and watched amity porn.

Apparently, the faction of love liked to show cast it in the most liberal ways.

 

Those short movies were professionally made, but a lot tamer, then the home videos, a lot dauntless recorded in the confinements of their own homes.

I used to watch them for fun, because what could be more hilarious, then seeing your barber or tattoo artist being flogged and called ´slut´, while dressed completely in Latex. But I stopped that soon, after stumbling over one that was called “The Leader to orgasm”.

 To my horror, brother dearest had scored the main role in that one.

Seeing Theo, with some big-chested bimbo bend over, while he was spanking her ass, would be something I would never, _ever_ forget.

Or something the twins would let him live down.

 

To all our relief, dad found out and shut the website down immediately, because something like this would ´tarnish his reputation in front of the other factions´.

The only thing that could anger erudite was, that he used their glasses for different, unspeakable things.

I don’t know, if I cried, because I was laughing so hard, or if it really was that horrible.

Most likely the latter…

 

 

Those thoughts spooked through my head, while we ate lunch. Not that I ate much, like usually. But after Ivy threw me a strange glance, Avery placed a whole bunch of fries on my plate and eventhough I glared at her, they didn’t allow me to leave without eating them.

It would have definitely been easier to stay away, from the beginning on.

But I feared, it was already too late for that, because somehow they had welcomed me into their little group and we were often joined by the transfers, that didn’t seem too bad.

 

 

After our break, we made our way back and I mentally prepared myself for another boring, not really demanding training session, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Unlike this morning, Theo was already there, waiting for us, with Dante by his side, sporting a slightly sadistic smirk, that made my insides churn with uneasiness, because I have seen that one many times.

And every time dad wore that expression, the person it was aimed at, wished later to never have chosen dauntless.

 

“Nice to see you´re all back.” Theo spoke, after we had gathered in front of them. Most of the other dauntless born, if not all had no idea what awaited us, but I had an inkling, so I watched our instructors wearily.

Dante deciphering my expression, only smiled smugly.

 

“What we´re going to do now, that you´re warmed up, is to test your endurance. And believe me when I say this:

Tonight, you´re going to wish, to have chosen amity instead.”

 

Candy, snorted loudly from behind and directed the attention of everyone to towards herself, which was the single biggest mistake you can make in initiation.

If your instructor singles you out, prepare yourself for excruciating pain, until he either stops, or you are factionless.

 

“Yeah, if blonde number four could shut up, we can start.” Theo stated annoyed, looking directly at Candy, who seemed to shrivel back, while the rest started to snicker at her misery.

 

“Right…” Dante drawled, eyeing my brother a little apprehensive, before turning to us again. “You are fourteen, that means I want you to form two rows with seven people each.”

When no one moved, both glared at us with their instructor mask in place.

“Move!”

 

As everyone around me scrambled away, I stayed still, not wanting to run into one of those idiots, before resuming a place in the first row, that had stayed unoccupied, because no one wanted to be close to those two knuckleheads.

 

“Lexi!” My brother called, annoyed at my slowness. As if I would ask `How high` , when he tells me to jump. “Get down and give me twenty!”

 

When I glared at him, Theo pointed downwards with his pointer finger, expression stern. “Now!”

 

Exhaling through a clenched jaw, I got into position and started my twenty push-ups, like I usually did, when we were training together.

 

Theo came standing beside me, only his boots in my line of sight.

“What you seem to have forgotten is, that orders aren’t optional. So when I tell you to do something, I want it done and I want it done now!”

 

One heavy combat boot pushed down between my shoulder blades, making it harder to fulfill my task. If all the others wouldn’t be here right now, my brother, the leader of pornos, would have earned himself a punch for that.

So while I pushed against his boot with gritted teeth, I imagined, what exactly I could do to him, when I caught him alone next time.

And it wouldn’t be nice for him.

 

When I was finished, I pushed his leg away, before standing up, brushing away the dirt from my back and sending him my most murderous glare. Tapping my own jaw, to remind him what happened the last time, he taunted me, he looked wearily, before unconsciously rubbing the still slightly yellow bruise, where my fist had meet his face.

At least I knew now, that it had hurt.

 

“Thanks for the demonstration, Lexi.” Dante spoke, earning him another glare, but like usually, he just shrugged me off. He gestured for us to start stretching again, before he told us to get down and into position.

 

“Let the fun begin.”

.

.

.

“I can’t feel my butt anymore!” Avery whined, while she threw herself onto her bed, groaning when she hit the hard mattress. But I couldn’t even roll my eyes at her dramatics, because my muscles hurt just as bad as hers.

 

When I thought my training sessions were bad, I hadn’t taken into account, how many of dad´s sadistic characteristics had been passed on to Theo. And when I wondered, why Dante was so nice this morning, I´ve had no idea how hard he could really push us.

 

We had started with push-ups, then sit ups, crunches, suicides, jumping jacks and pull ups. Every exercise for at least four minutes, before going over to the next one. Every time, one of us slacked, we had to run five laps around the training room, before resuming our places. Let me tell you, they were pretty generous with punishment, so I, myself, had to run 15 laps, which is _a lot._

 

And after we were done with everything, we had to start again.

That went on for four hours.

 

After the last round of exercises, they thought it would be fun, to test our endurance one last time. For that we had to get into the push up position and hold out.

The first one to give up, would be on mess hall duty for the rest of the week, starting today, and on the last place in ranking, while the last one to endure, would have earned the first place, which was a big deal under the dauntless born.

So we started.

 

The first one to give up, was Kitty, after only a minute. With shaky arms she collapsed, almost breaking into tears, at the prospect of working after such a gruesome training session.

Soon, the others followed, until there were only two left.

 

Marc and I.

I knew, winning would get me a shit ton of problems with him, but I didn’t care. I haven’t trained all day, almost every day for the last three years, to just back down from an insufferable idiot now, so I struggled to bear it, but I did.

 

After almost five minutes, Marc collapsed and I let myself fall onto the cold floor after, breathing harshly with shaky arms and legs.

I remained lying there for several minutes, until someone stuck out their hand, to help me up. Grudgingly, I took it and let myself be pulled up, just to come face to face with my instructor.

Dante´s lips were pulled into a small grin and he congratulated me for getting the first rank on the first day, which was supposed to be a good sign for any initiate.

I smiled tiredly at him, before walking past Theo, bumping my shoulders against his, but it only hurt me, while he laughed at my miserable attempt to get revenge.

 

 

Lying on the hard bed in the dorms, I thought about how Dante had smiled at me. It almost seemed, as if he was proud, but not surprised at all.

I guess my stubbornness had spread fast all around the compound.

 

“Come on, first ranker. Time for a shower.” Ivy said, standing in front of my bed. As I only raised my head a little, to look at her, she sighed, before tugging my foot. “Get up. You stink!”

 

 

Groaning, I turned around, ignoring her. Knowing she couldn’t convince me otherwise, Ivy left me alone, to take a shower herself.

However I wanted to take one immediately, too, there was no way in hell I would undress with all the guys in there.

Not that I was self-conscious about my body, no it was perfectly toned, but I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of seeing my scars, that were visible even under my huge tattoo.

Never show any weakness.

Something I had learned from dad.

 

After half an hour and a murderous glare from Marc, that caused me to check, if my knife was still inside my boot and ready to defend myself, I was finally alone.

 

Not even the plastics had bothered with reapplying much makeup, only mascara, almost too tired to do even that. Applying eyeliner with shaky hands wasn’t a great idea, I thought, snickering to myself, when I finally did get up. Cat had looked like a raccoon and almost stabbed her eye, which made Avery cry in laughter.

It was pretty funny to see her like that…

 

I went into the showers, that lacked any sense of privacy, before stripping down and putting my dirty things into a bag, that I would give mom in a few days’ time. I just had to be careful, dad wouldn’t catch me, because we weren’t supposed to interact much with our parents and handle dirty laundry and such, on our own.

But initiation was strenuous and I doubt, I would have much time, to do my own laundry.

So mom it was.

 

Thinking about how I would manage to sneak to mom, without anyone noticing, I shampooed my hair and lathered my body.

After repeating the motion another time, I was just rinsing my hair, the strands running way past my shoulders, when I heard someone behind me speaking.

 

“Lexi? Oh… shit!”

 

Turning my head, I saw Dante standing in the doorway, his wide eyes taking into my nude form. His mouth was slightly open and I could only guess why.

 

The tattoo on my back, that not many have seen in its whole glory, was displayed and free for him to see.

 

From the lower of my back, up to my shoulders, my back was colored in a clockwork-like tattoo, that looked so realistic, one could think the small cogs and wheels would start to spin any moment. The mechanical parts were carbon colored, while the background was held in dark accents, that made it look, as if you could put your hand into my body.

The skin all around looked, as if it had been ripped away and covered the deeper scars perfectly.

Tori, the best artist in dauntless, that had made all the tattoos in our family, had taken me and this big project on, when I was fifteen and had just returned from amity.

Eventhough, dad almost killed me for it, I had the feeling it represented perfectly, who I was. Or what I was.

 

The tattoo on my mother´s back was a cherry blossom tree with beautiful incarnate designs, that she had gotten to celebrate the start of a new life, away from my grandfather.

Hers represented that fresh start, a new season and it spoke of hope.

Mine spoke of destruction and who I have become.

A machine, without feelings.

A soulless object, that was created for only one purpose.

And mine was chosen long ago.

 

Raising my eyebrows at Dante, who still examined every piece of visible skin and I suppose, my butt, too, I cleared my throat, making his gaze snap up to my face.

I was still facing away from him, only my head turned around, while I covered my breasts with one hand. He looked away quickly, his cheeks slightly red, when he realized, he had been staring.

 

Rubbing his neck, Dante´s eyes flickered towards me, before he quickly swayed his gaze around the room, looking anywhere but me and he finally started to speak, eventhough I could hear that he was embarrassed, clear as day.

  
“I just wanted to make sure you´re okay, because you weren’t in the mess hall and it´s my duty to make sure, my initiates aren’t harmed in any way.”

 

Clearing his throat again, he glanced at me and I pointed towards the towel beside him, gesturing for him to bring it to me.

“Sure…”

He said quickly, grabbing it and walking towards me.

 

Taking it out of his grasp, he was standing directly behind me, as I slung it around my body, covering my most intimate parts, but nothing more. Pondering about, if he was a little pervert that liked to walk in on woman showering, or if it really was an accident, I tucked one end of my towel in, before turning around and looking up.

 

Being so close to him, I only now realized, he was a lot taller than I was. With my 5,6 feet, I wasn’t small, but he stood at least at 6,3 feet. And now, standing in front of him, practically naked, while he wore his whole combat uniform, I couldn’t help, but feel small and somewhat vulnerable.

Because if he wanted to, he could abuse me anyway he wanted and I could do nothing about it. Like so many had done it before.

 

But as I looked into his brown eyes, I knew I had nothing to fear.

With him, I felt safe.

 

Which was totally fucked up, because he was a man, that was standing in my shower, that has seen me naked.

And because I didn’t trust _anyone._

I seriously had to do something about this.

 

 

But still, I brushed slightly against him, as I made my way towards the dorms, wringing my hair out. When I had touched him, however lightly it was, I saw his fist clenching, until his knuckles turned white and he looked, as if he had to restrain himself from grabbing me and having his way with me right now.

Not that I would have minded… But it serves him right, for walking in on me in the shower.

A little teasing would be punishment enough, I hope.

 

Snickering to myself, I took the underwear, I had laid out on my bed before taking a shower. All too aware of the steps, that had followed me, I let go of the towel.

Hearing a sharp intake of breath, I bowed down, sensually stepping into my black panties, wiggling my way into them, as I pulled them over my freshly shaven legs.

After putting on my equally black bra, I turned around, scrutinizing my instructor, fiddling with my shirt.

 

I smiled innocently at him, while he stood there, rigid, such an incredulous expression on his face, that it almost made me laugh out loud. Pulling on my top and after that, wiggling into my pants, like I had done before, I turned around, combing my wet hair.

 

Dante still stood there, shell-shocked and I was aware of the bulge growing in his pants, because he did nothing to hide it.

I had to rip my gaze away from it, because it shocked me slightly. He seemed to be well endowed.

 

When I threw my things back into the trunk, the clattering noise seemed to bring Dante back to reality and he shook his head slightly, before clearing his throat embarrassed.

Looking the trunk, I hung the key back around my neck, before gesturing towards the exit.

 

“Oh, you can proceed. I still have to… ohm… check the… beds… for any danger… You know, bedbugs…” Dante trailed off, knowing, as well as I did, that his blabbering didn’t make any sense.

But still, I humored him, nodding in agreement, before leaving the dorms. I smiled at him one last time, when I reached the exit.

Dante had flogged down onto a bed, no doubt to hide his growing erection, but when he saw me looking, he waved awkwardly, his smile forced.

 

“I´ll see you later… or tomorrow… whatever…” Dante grumbled and as I walked towards the mess hall, because I was starving, I started to smirk.

 

Seemed, as if he had gotten his punishment.

.

.

.

The rest of the week was similar to the first day. Warming up and building stamina in the morning, while the afternoon was reserved for strength training and pummeling punching bags. The only change in our routine was, that we had run through the city this and last morning, which I preferred over running through the training hall.

 

The first week was always dedicated to build mass and correct any stance problems, the dauntless born had, before we would do heavier things.

Real fights would start next week, just like knife throwing and shooting, but the leaders wanted to start tame. Or what they thought that meant.

 

I hadn’t seen mom since choosing day, with her being busy with the new representative of amity, but dad came over after the first day of training and told me, he was proud of me.

Eventhough he was left right after, I had no idea, how to react.

Those words hadn’t even muttered in my presence, for over four years, so him telling me that he was proud of something, I had accomplished, was a huge deal.

And I hadn’t really done anything to deserve it.

 

 

Like the dauntless born, the transfers started right away, not losing any time with pleasantries and eventhough, I knew, instructors were supposed to be hard on their initiates, Blade was overdoing it, way too much.

When I saw him screaming at the abnegation twins, to hurry their asses up, when they stopped to drink something, I almost went over and punched him K.O., but one glare from Dante stopped me from doing it and jeopardizing my own spot in dauntless.

 

Dante and I hadn’t interacted much all week after the shower scene, but I still felt his gaze linger on me most of the time and every interaction, however small it was, was getting more intense.

 

Like the time, I he ´corrected´ my flawless stance and I felt my skin burning, whereever he had touched me. Dante´s chest was only inches away from my back and the tingles, that erupted all over body, forming goosebumps of anticipating, alerted me, that I actually _wanted_ him to touch me.

_Everywhere._

And that had to stop.

 

 

Like on Monday, every single one of my muscles hurt after the training on Friday, but tonight, I didn’t want to fall into bed early, like I had done all week, just to wake up in the middle of the night, because Edgar didn’t like me getting any sleep.

So after a much needed shower, after dinner, I applied a little makeup and slipped into one of the two dresses, I had taken with me from home, before venturing out into the compound.

 

I had to make one detour, before hitting the club and it wasn’t a harmless one, but after the week I had, it was necessary. I´m sure, Dad wouldn’t throw me out, but what I was up to, wasn’t allowed.

Not anymore.

 

Swaying my gaze over the people in the pit, I spotted the guy, I´d searched for. Toad, which was a nickname, not his real one, stood in a corner of the pit, where the cameras didn’t reach. It was one of the few blind spots, where he could sell his goods, without raising suspicions.

And when he saw me walking over, he started to grin, knowing exactly what I wanted, because I was one of his frequent customers.

 

“Same as usual, princess?” Toad asked me, his not so attractive face contorted into a wide grin, when I nodded. Handing over my card, he pulled it over his scanner.

I had no idea, where he got it from, but without it, everyone would have to trade stuff, because our point system was digital only. Too bad, I couldn’t pay my dealer in cash, but it would be shown as clothes or makeup or some other shit.

 

“Here you go.” He said enthusiastically, handing me my card and a little plastic bag, that contained one single, blue pill, that would make my whole night.

Throwing him a kiss, which made the toad-face laugh, I left, heading towards the bar.

 

 

Arriving there after a few minutes, thanks to my heels, I saw, that Sal was working again and as he spotted me, he hurried to get me a drink, which I took thankfully.

I knew, I had training in the morning, but for once, I didn’t care at all. Laying the pill onto my tongue, as inconspicuously as I could, I downed the vodka, grimacing when it burned my throat.

 

The effects of that little blue life safer were almost immediately and I felt my whole body relax, while a sly smile creeped onto my face. Humming to the rhythm of a song, I downed two other drinks, before standing up, swaying slightly in the process.

 

The pill made my blood surge and cleared my mind of any and all worries the vodka might have had left and I started to sway my hands through the air, while I floated towards the dance floor.

The feeling of weightlessness and illusion of being happy, was something I was addicted to. Even if it meant doing something like this behind the back of people, that meant the most to me. Because without this little pill, this little break of being me, I don’t know, if I would still be here today.

I lived to feel this way, so carefree, for once happy, even if was just for a few hours.

Or a few seconds.

 

 

The concept of space and time meant nothing to me, while I swayed to the beat, clenched between sweating bodies, whose movements mirrored mine, so it could have been minutes, or hours, until I felt a pair of hands on my hips, pulling me back into a broad chest.

 

“Tell me, you missed me. Tell me you want me and that you haven’t forgotten me.” A husky voice whispered into my ear and I turned around smiling widely, throwing my arms around his neck.

When I bit my lip seductively in return, he started to laugh.

“Of course you didn´t, princess. No one forgets me.”

 

Nodding my head at his blurring figure, I caressed the hair on his nape, before he tilted his head down and captured my lips.

Since the first time we did this, in an abandoned janitors closet in school, I had learned, how to handle men.

And in my intoxicated state, I could bear his hands on my body.

 

“Let´s get out of here, what do you say?” Freddy muttered against my lips, before I showed my agreement with a kiss.

 

Smirking, he pulled my swaying self out of the club, while the world around me floated away in a mess of swirling colours and weird figures. But as I was pressed against his back and everything around me was blurry, I met a certain pair of brown eyes across the room, that watched my every movement and my steps faltered.

Because he was the only thing that seemed clear to me this moment.

 

I almost stopped, to stay back and not leave with Freddy, but I knew, this had to be done.

I had to do this.

To prevent us both from making a mistake, that would fuck everything up, mostly him.

And that wasn’t something I would want for him.

To suck him into the self-destructive, black hole, that was my life.

 

Neither Dante, nor I could stay in that dreamland, where we could allow ourselves to even think about falling in love, much less do so.

Because that was, what I think I was doing, every time he touched me a little more.

Even if I only knew him for a few weeks, he had managed to stir up feelings inside of me, that had been buried for years.

And they had rightfully been buried.

 

Because what is love ever good for, except for break your fucking heart and leave you scattered in the process?

Nothing.

Absolutely fucking nothing.

 

That´s exactly, why I turned around, breaking eye contact and left, with a guy that meant nothing to me.

Because I was too tired to pretend anymore.

 

Because people like me don´t get happy endings.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It´s 4 am, but I have the chapter finished… I hope you enjoy it :D Lexi is self-destructive, which is why she left with Freddy. First, I thought she would want nothing to do with him, but what is better to you torture yourself with, then to sleep with the guy that caused everything (unwillingly)
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading & leaving comments or kudos! :)


	8. Chapter 7

**“Lexi, get up! “**

Groaning, I turned around, burying my pulsating head in the pillow, just as something soft hit me. Squinting my eyes open, I spotted Freddie, only wearing his boxers, smoking and looking like the pretentious asshole, he was. Grabbing the thing he threw at me, I realized, it was the dress I had been wearing yesterday and it was a clear signal for me, to get out of his flat.

 

But I was too tired and my mind was too foggy, to give a single shit about his prissy behavior, so I closed my eyes again, pulling the sheet over my head.

Freddy only sighed, annoyed at my childish display, before he tried to pull away the blanket.

 

“Come on, you have to get up!” Freddie stated exasperated, when I only tightened my grip, not giving it up. When he finally let it go, I sighed in content, knowing I could get another hour of blissful sleep or so.

 

In fact, Freddy had just interrupted the best sleep, I´ve had in weeks and it certainly wasn’t because he had tired me out last night, not in the slightest, but the effects of the little pill, that didn’t just let me enjoy the evening, but also granted me one night of dreamless sleep.

The only disadvantage was, that I felt like shit in the morning. But it was something, I was already used to, so it wasn’t a huge price to pay for one night of rest.

 

“Well, it´s your ranking and if you want to miss training, be my guest.”

I heard steps leading away from the bedroom, so knowing, Freddy would finally leave me alone, I snuggled deeper into the pillow, completely relaxed, despite the pounding in my head.

That was until the meaning of his words got through the fog, that clouded my mind and my eyes opened instantly. Throwing the blanket off me, I sat up, looking over to his nightstand, to see, that it was already 5 past eight.

I was so screwed.

 

Scrambling away, I fell off the bed, frantically searching for my underwear in the process, but only being able to find my bra. I knew, I had no other choice, so I pulled the dress over my head, leaving the panties for Freddy, to add them to his large collection.

Going commando wasn’t something I liked, but it was necessary to get to training and get thrown out on my ass.

 

Running out of his bedroom, Freddy leaned against his kitchen island, still undressed and still smoking, as if he had no care in the world. My heels lay somewhere in front of his couch, where we stumbled onto last night, and I snatched them, hurrying towards the door, still barefoot.

With my hand on the doorknob, I stopped, when Freddy decided to speak up.

 

“It was nice seeing you, too. Whenever you need me, you know where to find me, princess.”

 

I could practically see his face, even without turning around, while the nickname, my father always used, sounded _so_ wrong coming out of his mouth. That strange mixture of amusement, annoyance, but also nonchalance, made me roll my eyes at his narcissistic disposition.

Without sparing him another glance, I ripped the door open and hurried into the hallway.

* * *

 

Running through the compound with my heels in hand, I arrived in the dorms in no time, changing my clothes at lightning speed. I had never dressed so fast in my whole life. Throwing my shoes into the trunk, before peeling off my dress and I frantically putt on my training gear, all too aware of the time running away.

After popping a headache pill, I downed almost a whole bottle of water, on my way towards the training room, zigzagging through the crowd, that started to form, the closer I came towards the pit.

 

Sliding to a stop in front of the training room, I threw the metal door open, which wasn’t my brightest moment. Instead of arriving sneaky, like I had planned, the banging of the door made all heads turn towards me.

But what was strange was, that the people standing in front of the punching bags, were all transfers, even though we were supposed to be here.

 

“And where do you come from?” A snooty voice asked, making my head spin around. Blade, the instructor for the transfers, was standing behind me, looking down with hard eyes, an angry look crossing his face, when I didn’t start talking.

I knew he had issues with me not answering him, but I couldn’t really change that now, could I?

 

So I stared at him, before turning my gaze towards the transfers. Fed up, by my defiance, that wasn't really one, he went to take a step forward when someone behind him spoke up.

 

“Lexi? What are you doing here?” Ben came towards us, arms crossed, wearing a confused expression. When I ruefully shrugged my shoulders, he sighed, before telling Blade to watch the transfers, before turning to me.

“You overslept, didn’t you?”

 

Guiltily, I bowed my head, suddenly interested in my shoelaces, that weren’t tied correctly, making my cousin sigh. “Come on.”

Grabbing my elbow, Ben led me out of the training room and towards the smaller one, that was reserved for knife throwing. When I questioned him wordlessly, Ben started to explain.

 

“Theo isn’t here this morning, which is your luck, but he and Dante agree, that all of you have had enough stamina training for one week, so you´ll practice knife throwing this morning and fighting techniques later.”

 

Hearing, that we would start fighting, I perked up. Training all week had been demanding, but rather boring because all we did was running and strength training, the real fun starting next week.

Opening the door, Ben ushered me in, this time a little more low-key, and I immediately spotted my fellow initiates, that were indeed throwing knives at the targets.

 

There were two settings: one, with real knives, which stayed embedded into the target, if you did it right, or the second one, for smaller kids. they would throw with dull blades and the target would light up, showing where it was hit and what the score was.

We, the initiates, of course, trained with real knives.

 

Spotting us, Dante came over, coming to a halt in front of my cousin, hands folded behind his back, without even sparing me a glance.

Bewildered, I looked at my instructor, who was usually such a nice person, noticing that he seemed agitated, but hid it well. Only his body language gave him away. He squared his shoulders as if he was angry, his fists were clenched.

 

“What can I help you with, Ben?” Dante asked politely, still looking straight forward. If it was, because he had no desire to deal with me, or to pay respect to his leader, I had no idea.

 

“Lexi overslept and I brought her here, so you can straighten her out.” Ben stated, making my head whip towards him. _Who does he think he was_ , to talk about me like that.

I don’t need straightening out, I just overslept.

As if he had never done that.

In fact, I could recall _at least_ three different occasions. So he should stop acting all high and mighty.

 

“Don´t worry, I will.” Dante reassured him, throwing me a sideway glance while doing so. “Is that everything?”

 

Shooting me a rueful look, Ben nodded his head at the other man, before retreating, back straight, to go, oversee his bunch of initiates, that, with their instructor, apparently needed aid more than I did.

I pondered between wishing Ben stayed, or sending him to hell because Dante was acting so strange towards me.

 

Only when my cousin was out of the room, Dante turned around, finally looking into my face. But instead of the warm, inviting expression he always sported, his eyes were hard and his posture rather cold. While he straightened up to his full size, arms folded over his chest, which only accentuated his muscles, he mustered me from head to toe, taking in my disheveled state.

Knowing this stance was supposed to intimidate me, I stayed right where I was, only raising my eyebrow at his act, which made him scowl a little.

I didn’t back down, even though I knew, it would only get me into deeper shit, but I wasn’t one to let other´s walk all over me.

At least not anymore.

 

“You are…” Dante started to speak, before demonstrative looking at the watch on his wrist, “over thirty minutes late. So you overslept?”

 

When I gave him a look, that screamed “Didn’t Ben just say that?”, he shifted, raising his eyebrows at my disrespectful behavior. I normally wouldn’t egg a person of higher ranking on any more than I usually did, I learned my lesson with dad, but I couldn’t understand, why he acted as if I was just one of his subordinates, all of sudden.

 

“Well, if you don’t think it´s worth to get up for training, we should do something about that, don’t you think?”

 

Noticing my bewildered expression, Dante stepped closer, until we were only separated by a few inches. His stance screamed of authority, as he tilted his head, observing me for a moment before going on sarcastically.

 

“I mean, if taking pills and spending the night with second class patrol officers is more important, than succeeding in the faction, you choose, then maybe you really don´t belong here.”

 

Taking a step back, I stared at him, feeling, as if he´d just hit me. Eyes flickering over his face, I tried to see if he was joking, but there was no trace of amusement to detect.

So I took another step away from him, not wanting to be closer to him anymore.

 

Observing me the whole time, Dante sighed deeply, before looking over to the rest of the dauntless born, where several had stopped throwing and started to gossip, shooting the two of us curious glances. But when they saw him looking, they hurriedly turned back again, continuing to practice.

Ivy shot me a worried look, but I turned away towards my instructor again, who was running a hand through his hair, visibly conflicted about something.

But when our eyes met, his were cold again.

 

“That´s what you´re going to do. You will make up for the time you missed after training. Because you´re 30 minutes late, it´s going to an hour.”

I´ve already expected that, so it wasn’t really bad, but when I went to join the others, Dante grabbed my upper arm, stopping me.

 

“That´s not all. I want you to give me five rounds around the compound. Now. And I will check the feed later, so don’t even think about skipping.”

 

Incredulous, because that would literally take me _hours_ , I could only gape at him, but Dante was unyielding. Clenching my fists, to prevent myself from doing something utterly stupid, I ripped my arm away, not wanting him to touch any part of my body, when all I did wish to do, was hit him.

The temptation was too big.

 

“When you´re done, report back to me. If there´s still time before lunch break, you can join the others.”

Dante curtly dismissed me.

Acting as if I´d cared, I mock-saluted him, before storming past him.

 

In front of the door the door, I turned around one last time, so see him watching me with an indecipherable expression on his face. Shooting him my most murderous glare, I threw the heavy door open, cursing him, as I made my way out of the compound, to get on with my punishment.

* * *

 

Like predicted, it took me hours to round the compound five damn times, so when I arrived again in the training room, out of breath and completely soaked with sweat, the dauntless born were just wrapping up their training. I stayed in the doorway, until Dante spotted me and nodded, dismissing me for the break.

Without granting him another glance, I left.

If he wants to act like an asshole, he shouldn’t expect me, to tolerate his behavior _or_ him.

 

In the mess hall, I skipped food completely, only grabbing a bottle of orange juice, too nauseous to get anything solid down.

I plopped down at our usual table, chugging the whole bottle of juice, before laying my head onto the surface. The cool metal felt heavenly on my heated skin.

 

After a few minutes, the others arrived. Setting down their trays, they joining me, chattering mindlessly.

 

“You alright?” Came Owens voice from somewhere to my left. Raising my head a few inches, I shot him a look that told him everything he had to know.

“Okay…” He muttered, getting the hint, that I wanted to be left alone.

 

Avery, on the other hand, didn’t.

 

A plate was pushed against my arm, that lay beside my head on the table. Not wanting to deal with their bullshit, I shoved it away again, not even looking up.

 

"Lexi, you have to eat something." She insisted, pushing it forward again, even though Ivy told her to leave me alone. Fed up with their patronizing ways, I jumped up, sweeping the whole damn tray off the table.

As it landed on the floor, clattering loudly, everyone turned around in search of the commotion, but I only glared at the idiots in front of me, that didn’t seem to understand, that I wanted _nothing_ to do with them.

 

“Whoah. Calm down!” Avery stated with wide eyes, hands raised in surrender, but I had already stepped over the bench, storming out of the mess hall.

 

_Who do they think they are?!_

They´re not family and they are certainly not _friends_ , so they could shove their pity up their ass and take care of someone, that _actually_ likes them.

Fuming, I strode through the compound, searching for a place, where I could calm down a little, so I made my way back towards the training room, knowing just the right room to do so.

 

"Hey, Lex…" Jon started to speak when I passed by, but I ignored him, knowing I was _so close_ to hitting someone. I know, he watched me practically running away, just like my _amazing_ instructor had in the mess hall, thinking I wouldn’t notice it, but right now, I cared about nothing.

 

Picturing his damn brown eyes, that followed my every movement, I stopped, taking a few deep breaths, what was supposed to help me, but it didn’t.

At all.

It only made me angrier.

Punching the cave wall, with all the force I could muster, making a loud cracking sound resonate through the abandoned hallway. Cradling my hand to my chest, I hissed as I touched my bloody knuckles.

 

That may have been stupid, considering we would be fighting later, but not even the pain could divert my attention from the guy, that aggravated me to no end.

 

Dante wasn’t as sly as he thought he was, so though luck trying to keep an eye on me from now on because I don’t plan on making it easy for him.

I mean, _second class patrol officer?!_

 

Why did he even care, who I fucked or what I used, to finally wind down, after a shitty day?

It wasn’t _any_ of his business and he should stop watching me all the damn time. Dante had no idea, how hard it was, to survive in a faction that prided itself in being strong when everyone around you, percepts you as the weak one.

The failure.

The anomaly in a family, that rules the whole faction.

 

If Dante thinks, I don’t belong here, I´m going to show him, who the fuck he was dealing with.

* * *

 

I spend the rest of our break in the backroom of the training room, sitting against a wall, trying to reign my murderous thoughts in, before I would have to get back.

I tried to meditate and to let my mind be calmed by soothing thoughts or some shit like that, but the truth was, that nothing calmed me as fast, as imagining, how exactly I could hurt the people, that had fucked me over.

Knowing my father, I must have inherited that from him, even though the good intentions are a trait from mom.

 

Closing my eyes, I tried to push down the nauseous, I had been feeling all day, knowing the next six hours would be hell for me.

But I would push through it like I always did.

 

Hearing a distant door open, I got up, slipping into the training room, to join the rest of the initiates, that had gathered in front of the ring. Stepping closer, I kept my distance to Avery, Ivy, and Owen, who all watched me wearily. I finally came to a stop a few feet away from the rest of the dauntless born.

 

Raising my glance towards the ring, I saw my older brother and Dante standing there, observing us. When Theo looked at me with inquisitive eyes, I crossed my arms, my expression giving nothing away. His then turned to concerned and finally, after having guessed, that I fucked up, it became stern, as he watched me with narrowed eyes.

 

“We are going to demonstrate the basic defense and attack moves, just to be sure, before you´re going to partner up. We will both check your stances, to improve it, so watch closely.”

Theo spoke, swaying his gaze over his initiates, before turning towards Dante. With a nod, they both took in their fighting stances.

 

Feet shoulder-wide apart, hands raised to protect face and abdomen, they started to go through the motions of basic punches, kicks and how to block or divert them in the less painful ways.

Having those things learned with five years and perfected under the criticizing gazes of my father, uncle and the leader duo, years ago, it was pretty boring for me to watch the two of them, now that I couldn’t even enjoy the flexing of Dante´s muscles, because I was even too mad for that.

 

Over the shoulder of my brother, said instructor met my gaze for only a second, but it was enough for Theo, to find a flaw in his stance and he planted his fist in the other man´s gut.

Dante let out a grunt, flexing his abdominal muscles.

Even though my brother hadn’t used his full force his punches were still powerful. Dante´s face showed his slight discomfort, which caused me to suppress a smug grin.

After all, he had deserved it.

 

Seeing the struggle at containing my gleeful expression, Dante shot me a dirty look, before they ordered us, to team up with another person.

Knowing, I would get who´s left, I didn’t even bother to approach anyone, but waited, until one of Marc´s friends, Jackson, came towards me.

Following him, we took our stances somewhere, where we would have enough space to train, without getting into somebody’s way.

 

I didn’t really like Jackson, but my luck could have been worse. I mean, he a jerk and insufferable, but at least he wasn't a leering asshole like Riley, who I like to call Marc´s right-hand man. He always did their dirty work in hiding, what they fucked up, and believe me, with them it´s never something pleasant.

 

Seeing me eying him up, Jackson smirked, taunting me.

“Don´t worry. I will go easy on you.”

 

He hadn’t even finished speaking, before my fist landed in his guts, catching him off guard and effectively knocking the wind out of him. When Jackson doubled over, clutching his stomach in pain, I shook my hand out, pondering over the fact, that it had been stupid to punch a wall.

 

“Or not…” He muttered, straightening up again, grimacing in pain, before resuming his stance. ”I had no idea, you could hit that hard.”

 

Smirking, I beckoned him forward and Jackson followed my invitation, throwing himself at me with all his strength. I deflected his punch, by leading his hand upwards and used his momentum against him, hitting exact the same spot again, I had before.

 

“Damn!” Was all I heard when he had once again caught his breath. Coming at me a third time with the same tactic, Jackson didn’t seem to understand, that his advance was way too cave man like.

 

I´ve had fought my whole life against men, that were double my weight and/or towered over my petite self, so his style would get him nowhere with me.

Ducking, I avoided his punches, before sweeping his feet from under him. Jackson landed on his back with a loud thud, groaning when his head hit the floor.

 

"You´re supposed to be training basic moves. Not the ninja shit Amar taught you." Theo scolded, but for me, it was clear to see, that he was suppressing a grin, at the less than expressive skills of Jackson.

 

Watching me for a moment, Theo stepped closer and bowed down slightly, before talking lowly.

“And what was that about you, being late for training?”

Shooting him an annoyed look, that told him to stop talking about it, my brother raised his eyebrows at my sudden attitude, but he _just had_ to touch the sore subject.

 

Not wanting to start a fight with him, I turned towards Jackson, who had gotten up and waited impatiently for me to continue. Back in fighting stance, I could feel my brother’s eyes on my form and he tapped my shoulders, to straightening me out.

 

“Make sure to keep the tension in your abdomen." Theo told me, making me roll my eyes. As if I hadn't known that, since I started fighting. He observed us for a few more minutes, correcting Jackson's stance multiple times before he went on.

 

“And no more being late. You deserved your punishment.” Speaking over his shoulder, I watched my brother´s retreating back for a moment, unbelieving, that he thought my punishment was warranted and that he thought the whole ordeal was _funny_.

 

 

Distracted, I wasn't able to do anything against the fist, that came flying towards my face before it was too late. The force, his fist hit my cheek with, made me fall backward and the back of my head hit the hard floor. Pain spread through my skull, burning hot like iron, my eyesight was for a short moment, non-existent.

 

Groaning in anguish, I rolled around, touching the sore spot on the back of my head and for a second, I was back in the alleyway, blood rushing out of my wound, while my best friend somehow tried to get to me.

 

So when hands started touching me, I pushed them away with all the force I could muster in my foggy state, moving away shakily, until someone grabbed my head, making me focus on a familiar face.

Blinking rapidly, my eyesight slowly cleared and I recognized Dante, who´s mouth was moving, but what he tried to tell me, took me a moment to register.

 

“Lexi? Are you alright?!”

Nodding my head in reassurance, I closed my eyes for a moment, when the movement caused another jolt of pain before I started trying to get up. Pushing his hands away, I felt dizzy and my head hurt, but I was too stubborn to sit around any longer.

So when my brother came and asked me the same questions, before ordering me to take a break, I only waved him aside, standing up with shaky legs.

Facing Jackson once again, I saw that most initiates had stopped to watch my display of weakness, but now they hurried to get their own training on.

 

Waving off Jackson's half-hearted apology, even though I knew, he was secretly glad, he had gotten a good hit in, we practiced more defense tactics, but this time less vigorously.

 

After the basic moves, we switched to kicks and more demanding maneuvers, which was more to my liking. But my headache from this morning paired with the hit I just took, made it hard for me to concentrate and chugging a whole bottle of water, in an attempt to lessen my pain, only made my empty stomach churn in discomfort. I was constantly rubbing my temples, in search of relief, but instead of getting better, the headache only got worse, especially when I started training with the punching bag.

 

I was beyond relieved, when the clock turned six, signaling for us, that training was over. That was until I remembered, I had another hour to go.

 _Figures_ , that it had to be today.

 

Theo had left two hours ago, having to deal with some leader business, but I saw him shooting me a worried look before he was out of the door. I just hoped, he wouldn't tell dad about my shitty day, or I would earn myself another punishment.

That I was sure off.

 

Reluctantly, I made my way towards Dante, after the last initiate had left the room, leaving only the two of us. He was standing in the middle of the room, scrolling through his phone, oblivious to my presence and I caught myself wondering, at what or _who_ he was smiling like that.

Only the clearing of my throat made him look up, a little startled that he wasn’t alone. I scowled at that.

If my instructor didn’t care, that I was here, then I could just as well go to the dorm, pop a sleeping pill and forget this horrible day, before doing absolutely nothing tomorrow.

 

“Let´s get started, won´t we?” Dante asked rhetorically, but his smile slowly faded, when I fretted at him, not in the mood for jokes. “Right… just get running. That will be the easiest thing to do.”

 

Raising my eyebrows at his lack of creativity, I slowly turned and walked away from him, shooting him one last look, before starting to run.

The perimeter of the training room was nothing compared to that of the compound, but in my exhausted state, it was enough to bring me to the brink of exhaustion.

 

After 15 minutes, my legs started to burn from the exertion.

After 30 minutes, every step was sending a jostle of pain into my head, making me lose focus, so I tripped several times.

After 45 minutes, my leg muscles started to shake and I could feel a cramp forming in my calf, while I started to get dizzy.

 

Just when Dante, who had been switching between watching me and scrolling through his phone, or making short errands, called time, my legs buckled beneath me, sending me to the floor in a heap of limbs.

Almost not being able to catch myself, before my head hit the floor a second time today, I tried to focus and breathe through the pain, when black spots appeared in my vision.

 

“Fuck!” Was the only thing I heard before someone fell to his knees beside me. Gentle hands turned me around, careful of my hurting head, and when I tiredly opened my eyes, I was met by a concerned looking Dante, who brushed the sweat-soaked hair out of my face.

One hand on my back, he supported my weight, but I was too weak, to get up yet, so I only rested my head against his shoulder with closed eyes, trying to calm my labored breathing, as he pulled me towards him.

 

“Why didn’t you stop, when you knew it was too much for you?!” Dante asked harshly, shifting my weight in his arms. Too tired to open my eyes, I shrugged, making him sigh deeply in return.

 

“Have you eaten anything, yet?” When I stiffened, guilty, Dante froze, before grabbing my chin, to make me look at him. My eyes met his and I was met by aggravation. No doubt directed at my behavior, but Dante refrained from saying anything, for which I was thankful.

 

“You´ve got to be kidding me.” Muttering angrily, Dante tightened his grip on my back, before putting his other arm beneath my knees, lifting me up, as if I weighed nothing.

Deciphering my silent question, as if he had done it a thousand times, Dante answered me.

“We´re going to get you something to eat and a shower. You stink.”

He added the last sentence jokingly, making my lips slightly curl upwards, while I leaned my head against his broad shoulder, closing my eyes and letting him carry me, without questioning him further.

Because I trusted him.

* * *

The shifting of my weight jolted me out of my slumber and when I tiredly opened my eyes, I saw Dante, who tried laying me down on the couch, without interrupting my sleep.

When he saw, that I was awake again, he smiled ruefully, taking a step back.

 

“You can sleep a little, I´ll fix us something to eat.”

 

I seriously considered his offer, but I heaved myself up, knowing I needed to shower badly. The little nap, even though it couldn’t have been more than 15 minutes, had given me enough energy to do at least that, so I manage to stand up from the couch on my own.

Turning my head towards Dante, who observed me with a guilty expression, I motioned for him, to get me a headache pill.

 

A little reluctantly, he complied, walking towards the kitchen, taking out a container with medicine, before handing me one with a glass of water.

Greedily, I downed it all, feeling the relief instantly.

 

“Do you want to take a shower, while I cook?” Dante asked, taking out all the ingredients, he would need. “Then come on.”

 

He gestured for me to go ahead, after I accepted, leading me towards the bathroom with a hand on the lower of my back. Dante followed me in, handing me two towels and shampoo, before turning to leave.

 

“I´m going to put clothes for you in front of the door.” With that, he was gone, leaving me in the bathroom, where I had puked my guts out, only two weeks ago.

Thinking about that morning, I had the feeling, that it had been months, since I was last here, even though it wasn't.

Strange, how your time perception can screw you over.

It felt like an eternity, since I had met Dante, but it only felt like weeks since I had last seen my best friend.

 

Pondering, how my mind could play such tricks on me, I stripped down, stepping into the scalding shower. Letting the hot water wash away the pain in my muscles, I inhaled the scent of Dante´s shampoo deeply, while I lathered my hair with it.

However great it felt, to be finally clean again, I didn’t linger in here because my legs threatened to give out again.

 

When I dried myself with the towel, slinging the second one around my head, I was genuinely happy, as I thought about staying in bed the whole day tomorrow. It was Sunday, the only training free day in dauntless and tomorrow, I would be lazy.

 

Covering myself with the other towel, I opened the door, glimpsing through the gap, to make sure, Dante wasn’t anywhere in sight. Snatching up the clothes, I closed it again, before locking it for good measures.

Looking at the items in my hand, I snorted, when I realized, it was a pair of boxer shorts and a sweatshirt. Pulling them on, I had to fold the shorts several times, to prevent them from falling off my hips. The sweater on the other hand, was delightfully big, so much so, that I could almost loose myself inside it, but it also made it look as if I was wearing nothing underneath it.

Knowing, there was nothing I could do about that, I folded my dirty clothes, hiding my underwear inside my t-shirt, before stuffing that into my pants.

You could never now.

And I sure as hell didn’t want my instructor to find my dirty panties.

 

Laying the bundle of clothes on the ground in the bathroom, I made my way back towards the kitchen, untangling my unruly locks with my fingers because Mr. Great-hair didn't seem to have a brush.

 

I felt his eyes on my exposed legs when I finally stepped into the kitchen, but because Dante had seen so much more of me already, I didn’t really mind. Sitting down at the kitchen island, I observed him, as he turned something around, that looked like a steak. The delicious smell made my stomach growl in protest, so loud, that Dante turned around at me with raised eyebrows, while I blushed, embarrassed.

 

“Only a minute.” He assured me, seasoning the meat in the pan. Not knowing what to do with myself, I grabbed one of the daggers, he had lying around, testing, how they felt in my hand.

 

"You´ve missed an enlightening training session this morning." Glimpsing over his shoulder, Dante started to speak, before holding up a piece of toast, asking, if I want a piece of it, but turned around, when I scowled at his pitiful attempt at humor.

“You surely could have used the practice.”

 

I decided to show him, _how much_ I could have used that practice.

 

The throwing dagger landed with a thud, nailing the piece of toast in his hand to the wall with such force, that it stayed there. In the process, I had missed the tip of Dante´s ring finger by a hair's breadth, just like I had intended.

 

Dante froze, his hand still in midair, slowly turning around with raised eyebrows. Swaying his gaze from me to the toast, he started to chuckle lightly, before pulling the knife out of the wall, where it left a sizeable hole.

 

"Or not. Because of you, I won't get my security deposit back."

Sighing, Dante turned towards me, but my smug grin had been replaced by a dubious expression.

_There was no such thing as a security deposit in dauntless._

And if it was, I doubted _anyone_ would get it back. Most members were just rambunctious donkeys, that liked to set shit on fire.

No wonder, there was at least one flat on fire, every month triggering the sprinklers and setting dad into a frenzy until he got his hands on the neck of the responsible idiot.

 

 

“But I guess, that´s what I get for being an asshole this morning.”

Tilting my head, I waited for him to go on, but Dante was busy, loading my plate with a gigantic piece of meat and lots of potatoes.

 

Placing the plate in front of me, Dante sat down on my side, smiling, before ordering me to start eating. Rolling my eyes, I complied hesitantly, but started moaning, when the first piece of meat touched my taste buds.

With huge eyes, I looked over at Dante, who was chuckling at my display of indulgence, but I didn’t care. My starved body was demanding more of this deliciousness.

Who would have thought, he was such a great cook?

 

Unlike me, who was eating like a pig, Dante savored each bite, chewing slowly. But it also could have been caused by the fact, that he was watching me the whole time, trying to contain his smile, but failing to do so.

 

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, only our cutlery rattling on the plates, Dante's voice made me turn my head towards him. He looked slightly pained and guilty when he finally addressed me and I watched him wearily, wiping my mouth with a paper towel.

 

“I may have been out of line this morning and I most certainly shouldn’t have pushed you like that, but you´re destroying your future if you don't stop taking that shit.”

His words resembled dad´s so much, I had to close my eyes for a moment and when I opened them again, I was no longer hungry. Pushing the half-empty plate away from me, I went to get up and away from this confrontation, but strong hands prevented me from getting away.

Instead, Dante pulled me towards him, so I came to stand between his legs, his hands on either side of my hip, leaving me no option, then to look at him.

 

Raising my eyes, I prepared myself for an angry, disappointed expression, like the one dad always wore, but when I met his eyes, Dante only mustered me warmly, brushing the wet hair out of my face.

“And I want you to understand, that I have to treat you like any other initiate, even when you are so far from being one.  Just… please don’t do something stupid like that again, okay? You are such a skilled, beautiful, _strong,_ young woman. Don’t throw that away, just because you´re pissed at someone. Lexi, you are so much more than your past.”

 

Shrugging my shoulders, to hide how much his words had hit home, I leaned my head against his chest, not wanting to think about anything, he just told me. Because as Dante pulled me even closer and I slung my arms around his back, I knew, this would shatter me.

No one was able to get to me like he was and if I wasn't careful, it would destroy me from the inside out.

He would destroy me.

Like water, that entered the small cracks in the concrete, just to blow it apart, when it would freeze in winter.

 

Even the toughest shell could be broken apart, with the smallest of things. Like a diamond.

And I had just found mine.

 

The question was, would he built me up again, stronger than I was before, after shattering me or would he leave me by myself, to pick up every single piece by myself, watching how the shards pierced my skin.

 

Right now, I only knew, Dante would be my downfall. And maybe one, I wouldn’t ever recover from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best chapter, but the longest yet & it literally took ages to edit, over two hours :D
> 
> Thanks for reading & reviewing! :)


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning: Most of the chapter consists of a flashback, so if you are not comfortable with reading violent scenes, skip till the end*
> 
>  

 

 **The room I was in** , was dark, cold. Bare of any essentials it was only a cell made of concrete, without a window. Not even a mattress to sleep on, only my thin blanket, riddled with holes that you could barely call a rag.

I hadn't been here for too long if I could trust my sense of time. According to the guards that often stood in front of my door, it must have been a little over two weeks.

Over the course of my abduction, we had changed locations several times, mostly in the dark of night, while I was heavily sedated because the dauntless were closing in on us. More than once they came close to catching our abductors but they managed to get away every time.

And every time they managed to escape, they took Sam and me with them.

 

Cowering in the corner farthest away from the steel door, I lightly pulled to test the restraints that kept my hands bound behind my back, whimpering when the rough rope cut into my rubbed open flesh.

My clothes were torn, but at least they had made the effort to dress me again this time after being done with me. Without the little protection of my tattered and dirty clothes, I´m sure I would have frozen to death until now, seeing that winter had come early this year.

But the frigid air that made my breath appear in little clouds in front of my face also brought relief to the burn marks on my back that had been caused by hot iron, branding me as theirs.

Forever.

 

They had told me, no one would find us, so I was sure they had taken us somewhere deep into the city this time, where not even the dauntless patrols operated. And with the blizzard that closed in on us, now that must be mid-October, at least that´s what I thought, I knew, no one was searching for us.

They snow would make it impossible for any vehicle to drive over the crumbling streets and the snowfall would hinder anyone at spotting us, while every trace of us would vanish.

 

 

The resonating of heavy boots in the hallway made me cower back in fear and I prayed to an unknown force, to let them not aim for my cell. But when I heard the unmistakable noise of a key rattling in the lock, I knew, that today I wasn’t lucky.

So I pushed myself against the wall trying to appear as small as possible when the door finally opened and a heavy build man, I had only seen once or twice, stepped in

  
“Get up!” He ordered me in a scruffy voice, but I only jerked, gripping my legs even tighter, hiding my face from him. “I said get up!”

Crossing the room with a few, long strides the factionless tangled his fingers in my hair, pulling me up like they always did. Crying out in pain, I tried to push his hands away, pleading for him to let me go, but he was unyielding.

“Don´t, _please!_ ”

 

Not giving a shit about the pain he caused, the factionless rebel ignored me, as he pulled me upright. But when he finally realized I couldn’t stand on my own, he exhaled annoyed, before grabbing my sides and tossing me over his shoulder like a rag doll.

For all these men here, I wasn’t much more than that.

 

“Where are you taking me? Where´s Sam?!” I should have known better, then to open my mouth, even if it was just to whimper. That a lesson I learned the hard way in the last weeks, but I haven’t seen my best friend for so long and I was scared.

What could have happened to him in the meantime that we weren’t together.

What would happen _now_.

 

“Shut up, bitch!” Feed up with my whining, the man carrying me buried his fingernails in my calves, making me cry out in pain, while I desperately tried to wiggle out of his grasp.

But he was so much stronger than me, so the only thing I achieved was to bang my head against one of the visible pipes, now rendered incapable of fighting back.

The impact paired with the blood that was rushing to my head, because I was held upside down, made me dizzy so I closed my eyes hoping for him to drop me soon and dreading it at the same time.

 

He carried me through the halls of the abandoned warehouse, occasionally meeting another man, that was leering at my draped form and when he finally stopped in front of another heavy steel door, I heard multiple voices coming out of the room.

 

Opening the door with one hand and keeping me on his shoulder with the other, the man carrying me walked into the room, greeted by many other factionless. Coming to a halt, he let the arm fall away that he had slung over my thighs, making me tumble to the floor in a heap of limbs.

With my hands bound I wasn’t able to catch myself or lessening the impact any other way, so my left shoulder took the hit on the cement floor.

 

A cracking sound resonated through the room.

Screaming in pain, I rolled onto my back to take the pressure of my shoulder, where my arm stuck out at a strange angle, the hot pain almost taking me to the brink of fainting.

“You bastard!” someone screamed from the other side of the room.

 

“Idiot!” A familiar voice scolded the man, while I writhed on the floor. “You dislocated her shoulder.”

 

Someone kissed his teeth, before I felt hands on my arm, moving it and worsening the anguish while doing so.

“Hold her still.” A voice I recognized as Edgar ordered and I heard the rope, that my hands were bound with, being cut while someone held me down.

“This could hurt just a little bit.”

Edgar told me, almost apologetically, before pushing down hard onto my shoulder, while another pair of hands ripped on my arm. Feeling the bone jump back into place, I screeched but not one sound came out of my mouth, while I arched my back to escape this all-consuming pain.

 

“Here you go.” Edgar told me softly when my muscles relaxed, the sharp pain slowly giving way for a dump, throbbing one and my screams changed to small sobs.

He then proceeded to push me lightly to my knees, his touch almost gentle and I complied, clutching my hurting arm to my chest, while tears streamed down my face.

 

Raising my gaze I met Edgar´s, who was crouching in front of me, looking down with something akin to pity. But when he stuck out his hand to brush away my tears I turned my face away, repulsed by his touch.

Even though he was never the one to hurt me, he didn’t stop the men either. But he could have if he wanted to.

He was their leader.

 

Sighing, Edgar got up and walked away, clearing the view and what I saw caused me to tear up again.

But this time it was relief.

 

“Sam…” I breathed out, letting my gaze flicker all over his body. Like me, his clothes were tattered and he was bruised everywhere, many cuts littering his body. But he was alive and none of his wounds looked life threatening.

He looked a hell lot better than I did.

 

"Lexi! Are you alright?!" Sam asked, frantically observing me, trying to get to me. But one of the men behind him pulled him back by his shackled hands, holding him in place when he started to put on a fight.

 

“I´m fine.” Hearing my quiet response, Sam reluctantly gave up as a fist hit his face, making him fall over. I watched worriedly as he was pulled into a kneeling position, glaring at everyone in the room through his eyes, of which one was starting to swell shut.

Unlike me, Sam was still fighting.

He was still strong, relentless in his attempts to assure me that everything would be alright. That our fathers, our family, our faction would find us.

But I knew the only way we would get out of here would be in a body bag.

 

“Enough of this antics.” Edgar spoke up, stepping in the space between us a syringe in hand. Watching him warily, because I knew exactly, what was in there, Edgar wandered through the room slowly observing us and his men, that were hot with anticipation.

 

“We all know, what´s in here and what it will cause. A slightly altered version of the fear serum, that will let you experience your worst nightmares and everything else we want you to see. Now, because I´m such a nice person I´m going to let you two choose which one of you will get injected today. So be my guest.”

 

Raising my gaze, I shot the man in front of the most hateful look I could muster, but Edgar was unfazed by my revulsion against him.

Like every time he did this to us and he received the same look.

Forcing us to choose which one of us would experience our worst nightmare was a new low, even for someone as detestable as him.

So I made sure, to tell him that.

“You must be even more stupid than I thought if you really believe you can play us out against each other!”

 

“Well…” Edgar drawled, shooting me a saccharine smile. “If you don´t choose yourself, you will both be injected.”

 

“No!” Sam shouted, eyes frantically flitting between him and me before his face turned determined. "You´ve hurt Lexi enough already. Give it to me…"

 

“No, Sam, I will…!”

 

“Shut up, Lexi! Let me do this for you.” When I started to protest, my best friend, who was willing to endure the most excruciating mind torture just to spare me for another day, looked at me with pleading eyes. “Please, Lexi…”

 

Tilting my head so I wouldn’t have to endure his determined expression, I closed my eyes, exhaling deeply and nodded curtly, hating myself for not being able to do something.

_Anything._

I should have insisted on taken the injection, but I was never good at asserting myself. For me, that syringe wouldn’t have made a difference, because even if I would get out of here I could never forget.

But Sam could. He would be happy no matter what he would have to endure.

So if any of us would die here, it should be me.

 

Because I was too weak to handle this. My best friend was strong.

He would be the one to survive and I was glad about it.

It was my only last wish.

 

 

“Now that this has been settled we can start.” Clapping his hands in anticipation, Edgar gestured for one of his mans to inject Sam. Watching with despair, I could only hiss when the needle pierced the soft skin on his neck, releasing the serum into his bloodstream, while Sam tensed, falling backwards as the substance started to take effect.

 

"Sam!" Shouting, I tried to get up, but a hand in my hair pulled me back while Edgar stepped towards me, lightly pushing back my wounded shoulder. Clenching my jaw because even the slightest pressure hurt, I glared up at the man that made our life’s hell, making sure he knew that if I ever got out of here I would kill him with my bare hands for what he did to my best friend.

 

"Calm down. He´ll be fine." Shrugging nonchalantly, Edgar´s gaze never left mine as the tears started to well up when Sam started to convulse on the concrete floor on the other side of the room.

 

“NO! Sam! What did you give to him?!" I cried out when my best friend started to toss around wildly but my attempts at reaching out for him were once again futile, every one of my movements prevented from the guy behind me.

 

Sighing exasperatedly at my outburst, Edgar crouched down, gripping my chin, forcing my gaze away from Sam and onto himself. “He´s just in pain but the little dose won´t kill him, so either you calm down or I´m going to have to sedate you.”

 

“Why are you doing this to us?! We have never caused you any harm!” By now, sobs were shaking my whole body, his form in front of me blurring as the tears started to stream down my face once again.

 

“But princess, you know exactly why I have to act like this, even if I wish I didn’t have to.”

 

“Don´t lie to me! There is no reason for you to treat us like this! Why can´t you just let us go…?” My yelling slowly subsided, replaced by heavy hiccups as Edgar brushed the dirty hair out of my face, mustering me pensively.

 

"I´m sorry you have to pay the price for your father´s mistakes when you had nothing to do with it. But he´s the reason mother died when he banned us from the city. Our all-mighty leader has to pay for taking away the most important person in my life. He deserves to feel the same anguish I felt when I buried her.”

 

“She died of a sepsis over 20 years ago. You said so yourself! That wasn’t dad´s doing! He would never hurt mom like that…” But like every time I tried to argue with him, that my father had no say in what happened to them, Edgar only tssk´ed at me, shaking his head in exasperation. But before he could go on, one particularly pained groan from Sam sent me into a frenzy as I once again tried to get to him.

 

This time Edgar only nodded at the guy behind me, who in return loosened his grip, making it possible for me to scramble through the room towards my best friend, not caring about my hurting shoulder or the men that were watching everything that expired, refreshing themselves on our despair.

 

Cradling his head in my lap I combed my fingers through Sam´s dirty hair, watching as his face contorted into a pained frown, wishing it was me instead that was writhing in anguish. Pressing a kiss to his sweat-slick forehead, my gaze always stayed on him when I finally found the courage in me to speak.

 

“I wish they would have killed you when you stood trial in candor.

I wish erudite wouldn’t have been _so stupid_ to trust a technology that wasn’t developed enough, so even a bunch of riff-raffs like you found a way to remove the trackers.

And I wish dad would have been the one to put the bullet into your head.”

 

“But sweetheart,” Edgar started and I could practically hear the smile in his voice. Slowly raising my head to look at him through hateful eyes, Edgar tilted his head at me, his mouth curled up in a sneer-like grin, before he mock-pouted at me. “that´s not a really nice thing to say to your favorite uncle.”

* * *

 

The sound of something crashing against the floor pulled me out of my nightmare. Gasping for breath I sat up, frantically trying to untangle myself from the sheets that are wrapped around my legs, while the darkness in the unfamiliar room only heightens my panic. 

 

When I heard footsteps running towards the room I scrambled away, pushing myself against the headboard ready to attack whoever would come too close.

But before I could do anything the light was turned on.

 

Shielding my eyes from the sudden brightness it took me a moment to accustom, but when I was finally able to look up, Dante was already by my side helping me out of the sheets, while I realized I must have shoved his lamp off the nightstand in my sleep.

 

Watching him, images of last night flooded my head.

How after we ate, he told me stupid stories that were actually quite funny, before seeing my eyes drop shut and insisting I would take his bed, while he slept on the couch.

How I was too tired to argue, lying down while he tugged me in, pressing a kiss to my hair before leaving the room and turning off the light.

 

“Are you alright?” Dante spoke carefully, pausing for a moment to look at me before finally pulling the blanket off me. Nodding, I leaned forward, pressing my forehead into the mattress, trying to catch my breath.

When large hands started to rub my bare shoulder, wandering to the back of my neck, my heart rate slowly got normal again.

Dante put his hand on my side and I let myself fall against him, embracing the comfort his touch offered me.

 

“Nightmare?” His voice was always quiet, soothing, and I nodded against his chest. “Alright, come on.”

 

Supporting my weight, Dante pulled me back into bed and I came to lie against his chest, one hand on his defined abs, while his arms were slung around my waist anchoring me to him and he lightly played with my hair.

In my exhausted state, I had never felt any more content to be so close to anybody like I was now, snuggled up to my instructor.

 

“You want me to tell you a story?” Dante interrupted the silence and as I tilted my head into my neck, I saw him smiling at me. “That always helped me when I couldn’t fall asleep or had a nightmare.”

 

Gesturing for him to go on because I couldn't imagine anything better, then him talking to me until I fell asleep, it took him a moment to come up with something. But before he started, Dante reached over his head to flick the light switch and darkness engulfed us once more.

 

"There once was a boy in erudite who worshiped his father. He would have done anything to make him and his mother proud, so he worked hard to earn their recognition. He always excelled in class. No matter the subject he never got a grade worse than an A.

But for his parents, that worked day and night, only counted that he wasn’t erudite enough for their liking.

When his peers buried themselves under paperwork or hid in labs for days on end, he liked to run around in the city, exploring the abandoned parts. He didn’t like to brag about his intelligence like the rest of them did and instead of arguing he liked to bring peace to people.

And even though he worked on countless problems in the lab improving and inventing useless stuff it was never good enough.

 

His parents were concerned about what was wrong with their little boy, especially when his little sister turned out to be the perfect ice-princess. So they took him to the labs, to get him tested.

 

Both of them were scientists, the best of the best, working directly under their leader, so they had the perfect equipment to perform any test on their son they could have dreamed off.

Turns out their little boy wasn’t perfect, just like they had assumed.

 

The fault lay in his DNA. He was simply different from most of the others.

But he had known that from the start.

And so did they.

But the confirmation of the error in his genetic material didn’t make his life any easier and short after his 12th birthday the little boy, that now was an outcast decided that he would transfer. Leave their stuck up faction for a better one.

Somewhere, he could be free.

And when his choosing ceremony came he did it. The boy transferred and never once looked back.”

 

When Dante concluded his little story, he smiled at me when he registered my questioning gaze. It sounded as if he talked about divergence, but in my sleepy state, I couldn't really grasp what he was trying to tell me so I nudged him to go on.

 

“It´s just a story, Lexi.” He laughed lightly, pulling me closer. Sighing, I laid my head back on his chest. Too tired to argue I snuggled into him, abusing him as a pillow because he was so comfortable. “Sleep now.”

 

Content with the way he held me, I buried my head deeper into his bare chest, causing Dante to pull me closer in return. The last thing I felt before sleep carried me again once more, were his lips lightly pressing to my forehead as he mumbled something, that was too low for me to understand.

 

For the first time in years, I slept through the whole night without another nightmare and without having to be intoxicated to be able to do so.

 

I had found my new drug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like the flashback, it´s just a glimpse at what the two of them had to endure.
> 
> Even if I don´t really answer your comments, I read & appreciate every single one of them, so if you´d like to message me you can find me on Tumblr under singingpeople.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading & reviewing! :)


	10. chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**“Alexis, hon, it´s so nice to see you!“** Belle came towards me engulfing me in a hug, careful of little Sam in my arms. Shifting the weight of the small child I hugged her back with one arm, awkwardly waiting for the moment she would let go again.

I still wasn’t that comfortable with touching, but I owed it to her.

 

Taking a step back Belle scrutinized me from head to toe, smiling when she saw I was physically unharmed from the first week of training.

“You look great! How is initiation going so far?”

 

When I scrunched up my face showing my distaste Belle broke out into infectious laughter, making little Sam giggle, while I tried to suppress a smile. She truly was like a second mother to me and I missed our time together when I didn't get to see her on a regular basis.

“What about you, munchkin. You doing okay?” She gushed at Sammy who pressed her face into my shoulder, hiding away which wasn’t usual for her, but my little girl liked to act. Knowing exactly how I would get her to speak and where her weak point was I inched my fingers slowly towards her belly before going over to attack.

Sam shrieked in laughter while I tickled her, trying to push my face away, squishing my cheek with her little hands, while she wiggled around in my grip.

“Lex! Stop it!”

 

All the twisting caused my grip to loosen on her and before she could fall I set Sam down, who immediately ran away. I instantly went to go after her but Ben appeared, sweeping her into his arms, before walking back towards the two of us whispering things into her ear with a mischievous expression.

“So you´re molesting my little sister? I think that screams for a point deduction. I mean, coming in late and still keeping 2nd rank? I´ll have to talk to your instructor ´bout that.”

 

Rolling my eyes at him I snatched Sam away, who extended her arms towards me demanding me to hold her again. I knew Ben was making fun of me but yesterday had been one of the worst days I´ve had in the last few weeks, it was almost being able to keep up with my choosing day and that meant something. Snorting, I realized everything bad that happened to me recently had started with the day I met Dante.

Figures.

 

“Second?! Oh my, that´s great Lexi! Sam would be so proud of you!”

At the mention of my best friend my head snapped up and I looked into Belle´s tear-filled eyes, trying to fight the tight feeling in my throat, while she laughed a watery laugh.

I can’t even fathom what it must feel for her to think about him, to have me as a reminder of the unspeakable things that happened to her son. Especially now that it would have been his turn to go through initiation, to become a full-fledged member of our society.

To grow up and form a family of his own.

Images of last night´s nightmare spooked through my head and I zoned out for a moment when I saw him again writhing in anguish on the floor, while Edgar only laughed at us. Shaking my head a little, I gave Belle a tight-lipped smile, still not understanding how she could ever forgive me.

If I was her I would hate myself.

 

A little hand on my cheek made me turn my head and I met Sam´s questioning gaze, her eyebrows scrunched up and lips pulled together as she started to speak.

“But I am proud of Lex. She´s great. Going to be first.” Beaming at us Sam looked between the three of us before adding “At least that´s what Uncle E and daddy says.”

 

“Sammy!” Ben groaned, rubbing his face in exasperation. “You weren’t supposed to tell her that. Lexi got a big enough ego as it is.”

 

"Uh-uh," Sammy giggled, shielding her face with my hair, while I only stared at my cousin open-mouthed.

I don´t have a big ego!

 _Who the hell_ is he to say something like that?!

 

To vent my irritation, I punched Ben hard in the shoulder, making him whine like a little girl while rubbing the sore spot I was sure would become a bruise.

How our almighty leader didn’t see _that_ punch coming I had no idea. Maybe he wasn’t such a great fighter like everyone always said.

Okay, he really was that great. But he was also an idiot.

 

Belle, who had watched our interaction with a sad smile on her face, was now being pulled away by her daughter. Isla was fourteen but looked nothing like her age. She had the same dark brown hair like Sam used to have, big green eyes and looked more like sixteen than fourteen, making all the boys fall to her feet.

If Sam would be around, he´d go nuts because of her.

She was truly a beauty, but like her whole family, Isla´s smile was strained and I knew that she missed her big brother as much as I did.

But she kept it together. Like a real dauntless.

Not like me.

 

Isla just shot me a small smile before pulling Belle further to show her some top she would like to buy, only leaving her enough time to shout a goodbye to us. Sighing I turned my attention towards Ben who was now eying up some girl who hung around with her friends, barely even dressed.

 

Rolling my eyes at his pathetic behavior I decided to head to the mess hall and get us something to eat. But not before bumping my shoulders against my cousins, making him stagger backwards and embarrass himself in front of his little crush.

His enraged shout let me break out into a sprint, carefully because of the little girl in my arms that giggled the whole time, while I tried to avoid the wrath of my bigheaded leader cousin.

.

.

.

Sam was sitting beside me, playfully arranging the carrots on her tray instead of eating them. I just watched her, unaware of the small smile that graced my lips as she just babbled on about her day and what kind of pencils were the best ones for coloring.

She had just found out about something called unicorns or magic ponies like I called them and had developed a little obsession with them.

Listening attentively as she told me that Tris had promised her stuffed unicorn, I nodded every time she looked up, even eating the carrot sticks she was jabbing at my face.

Just when I went to bite into another one just to please her someone cleared his throat, making me look up.

 

Avery, Ivy, and a seemingly uncomfortable Owen stood there with trays in hands, a questioning gaze on all their faces. It was clear as day that they all were hangover because they celebrated the end of the first week last night.

Something I could have done too if I wouldn't have been so damn tired.

 

Loudly biting into the carrot, I chewed a few times before I gave them a small, apologetic smile and a sign to go ahead.  Silently they all sat down, recuperating my smile before starting to eat their greasy food. The atmosphere was incredibly awkward as they just observed little Sam and me, as she was now trying to eat her chocolate cake with bare hands.

Mind me, I said tried.

 

Sam´s whole face was caked with chocolate just like her fingers, now that I hadn’t paid attention to her for like _a second._

Being faced with four shocked expressions Sam beamed at us and her teeth really didn’t look any better than her whole face. Groaning, I hid my head in my hands while the rest just started to chuckle.

 

“How´s the cake?” Avery piped up, trying to suppress her laughter at the sight in front of her.

 

“´liciuus” Sam managed to get out of her stuffed mouth and I could only with great difficulties decipher that she wanted to say ´delicious´, breaking the dam and all three broke into laughter, Sam included which only made it worse.

I sat there, in the middle of the mess hall with a completely dirty child and three idiots that couldn’t stop laughing.

And the worst thing is they made me grin too.

 

From that moment on the conversation flowed, leaving me to listen as the three asked Sam various questions that she tried to answer to her best abilities. She loved to chat and for a three-year-old, her vocabulary was pretty developed. Not to mention Sammy was witty as hell, resulting in many awkward encounters when she blabbed out things no one was supposed to know.

I had just grabbed another carrot myself, not really wanting to try the combination with chocolate when Sam perked up, as Ivy asked where I´ve been the last two nights.

 

“Well daddy says Lex was with her boyfriend.”

 

Sam spoke in the moment I swallowed, making me coughing violently as I tried not to choke on the small pieces of carrot. The other´s watched me wide-eyed but I had no idea if it was because I had a coughing fit or that they hadn’t expected me to have a boyfriend.

 _Which I didn’t even have?!_  
  


 

“Lex are you okay?”

 

I waved Sam’s concerns aside, asking myself how much my uncle really knew. Four was still working in the control room overseeing everything and everyone, but he also consulted the leaders.

If he knew, mom knew. And if mom knew dad wasn’t far behind.

And my ass would be on the line.

 

“What do you mean ´boyfriend´? I didn’t know you had a boyfriend, Lexi!” Avery asked with a glint in her eyes, smirking devilishly while I only glared at her. I knew exactly what she was trying to do and it wasn’t a nice thing to take advantage of such a little girl.

But Sam, gullible as she was only smiled brightly, squishing the rest of her cake in a carefree manner.

“Oh, he´s at the fence and his named after the pig from my bedtime story!”

 

Groaning, I buried my head in my hands another time while Avery bounced on her seat giggling loudly, effectively drawing the attention towards us. Great.

“And he´s a a-hole.”

 

Whipping my head around I threw Sam a stern look, not believing that just came out of her mouth, while Avery was banging her hand against the table, howling with laughter while I wasn’t amused in the slightest.

Seeing the reprimanding look I threw her, Sam shriveled back pouting at me because she knew it would get me to lighten up.

“Daddy said that…”

 

Damn it, Uncle T! My uncle should know better than to use swear words in front of a child, especially after raising the twins. Even if we are dauntless, we don’t have to be crude all the time. You just don´t do that.

I had a hard time trying to keep showing my annoyance, not wanting Sam to think it was aimed at her. So I pulled her towards me, placing her on my lap before I started to clean her sticky fingers with a paper towel.

Sam leaned back against me and I slung my arm around her.

“I´m sorry Lex.”

Humming at her I ensured Sam knew I wasn’t mad at her, before I pressed a kiss to her hair, simultaneously declining that I had a boyfriend.

 

Raising my gaze, I met familiar, brown eyes. Dante had just walked into the mess hall, towards the table my sister and her friends sat on. I quickly looked away from him, a heavy feeling in my guts as I caught the calculating expression that crossed his face.

 

I´ve left his flat this morning before he was even awake, only leaving a thank-you note on the site of the bed I had slept on while trying not to ogle him for too long. I wouldn’t have been able to face him after this night. It was simply too humiliating.

Dante had seen me at my worst, something I had wanted to prevent at all costs. I didn’t want him to pity me, to look at me with this awful expression like everyone else.

But now he knew how weak I truly was.

And he would judge me like everyone else.

 

But maybe it was better like that. To end everything before it even started.

Before he would become to invested in me, his welfare case.

 

At least Four only knows about Freddy and not about Dante, because I´m sure he wouldn’t tolerate the latter, especially with him being my instructor. Even though he met Tris the exact same way, my uncle was strict. And to have him AND dad against you, what most likely be the case if they ever found us together, would be a certain death sentence.

 

I didn’t even realize my mind had strayed so far until the others went to get up, startling me in the process. Realizing it was already 2 pm I followed suit, pulling Sam who seemed to have fallen asleep into my arms.

I promised Tris to have her back already and I still wanted to visit mom and use our washing machine before dad would get home.

 

Walking by my sister´s table I was unfortunately stopped by Harper who wanted to know how training was going. I only rolled my eyes at her, while doing everything to avoid looking at the guy beside her who was observing my every move.

 

Our brother was overseeing me and my instructor sat to her left so I had no doubt in mind Harper knew everything there was about training, so I only pointed at the sleeping Sam in my arms, indicating I had to go and shoot her an apologetic smile before hurrying out of the mess hall.

Still, the tingling feeling in my spine told me that he was watching me until I was out of the doors and finally able to breathe again.

.

.

.

Fishing the key out of my pant pocket I opened the door to our flat, or my parents flat, carefully listening to any sound as I slipped in, bag slung over my shoulder.

I had dropped Sam off at Tris´ who had been glad to have a few hours for herself and her chores, laying her down in her small bed and leaving with one last kiss to her forehead.

 

The sound of my combat boots on the floor resonated incredibly loud through the whole, eerie quiet apartment because no one was home. Making my way through the kitchen I stepped into the storage room where mom kept the stocks, the washing machine, and the dryer.

 

Stuffing all my clothes into the washer I was glad they were all black, so there was no need to divide them after color. It was way better than to use the common ones that were in the same condition as our bathrooms.

Simply disgusting.

 

It would take around an hour for my laundry to be done, so I flogged down on the couch with a bag of chips, my booth cladded feet hanging from the armrest while I zapped through the channels stopping at an action film.

Two men were jumping out of a window and down some oversized pipes landing unharmed in a pile of debris while being chased by a helicopter.

Snorting at the incredibility of the scene, I knew from experience that such a fall would at least cause a few broken bones, if not end deadly which was more likely.

I lost myself in the adaption, watching the guy that could have been dauntless do ridiculous things and before I knew it, I had dozed off.

.

.

.

A soft touch on my face stirred me awake and I shot up, instinctively moving away from the unknown person. But as I saw mom crouched down in front of the couch and smiling at me, I exhaled deeply, all the tension leaving my body in an instant.

“Alexis I think it´s time for you to go back before your father comes home.”

 

Looking at the clock I was shocked when I realized that I had napped for over one and a half hours, after sleeping almost through the whole night.

That was the moment I decided Dante wasn’t my drug, he was a narcotic.

 

Getting up I rubbed my eyes, still a little groggy from my impromptu sleep session when my mother handed me my bag, clothes folded neatly inside, smelling like fabric softener. It was so typical abnegation of mom to take care of me like that. Or maybe it was just typical for most mothers, even though I couldn’t imagine an erudite do something like that.

 

Nevertheless, I threw her a thankful smile as she guided me to the door, pressing a kiss to my forehead. But just as she went to open the door, it was pushed open from the other side.

A grumpy looking leader stomped in, halting in his steps when he caught sight of me.

 

Dad raised an eyebrow at me, crossing his arms in front of his chest while I tried to inconspicuous hide the bag behind myself. He wasn’t really a fan of spoiling us while we went through initiation, claiming it would make us weak and having your mother do your laundry sure as hell counted as just that.

 

“Eric! I didn’t know you would come home so soon!”

Mom hurried towards him, melting into his side as dad threw her a calculating look, knowing exactly what she was trying to do. Just like I did.

 

“I can see that.”

Dad deadpanned, gazing at me with hard eyes but mom´s hand on his chest distracted him from the lecture he surely had prepared for this exact moment. Dad tilted his head when mom rose to her tiptoes, whispering something inaudible for me into his ear.

But when I saw his smirk I knew instantly what she had told him.

Yuck.

 

Scrunching my face up in disgust I watched how mom giggled, looking up at my father with adoring eyes while he only wore a smug expression.

As if he´d sensed my gaze on him dad raised his head, scrutinizing me for a second before he nodded towards the door.

“You´re lucky I haven’t seen you here. Now, get out.”

 

There was nothing I could do against the smirk that threatened to split my face in two, as I hurried towards the door. Walking past my parents, mom lightly touched my shoulder throwing me a conspiratorial wink.

Closing the door behind me I leaned against it for a moment, shaking my head in disbelief that mom could manipulate dad so easily when he didn't take shit from anyone else.

 

Walking away, I thought about what I should do for the rest of the day now that I was well rested. Deciding I wanted to work out a little, I made my way outside the compound.

It was time for a little run through the city.

.

.

.

The next morning was hell for me.

Not used to the huge amount of sleep I got the day before I had tossed and turned until I finally fell asleep around 2 am, just to wake up again at 4 drenched in sweat and panting heavily. Knowing there was no way in hell I would fall asleep again I got up to shower just to find out that the boiler didn’t work.

So the normally lukewarm water was freezing, what I only realized when I stood directly under the stream.

At least that managed to wake me up.

 

But at 8 am, when I stood in the training room encircled by the rest of the dauntless born, my eyelids dropping because the coffee didn't work yet, I cursed myself for falling asleep on the couch.

And Dante for making it hard to sleep on my own.

 

Said instructor arrived, my brother and surprisingly uncle in tow. Crossing my arms, I observed them further, a little more awake than before because I waited for the other shoe to drop. Their presence meant something and I was itching to find out what.

Tobias let his gaze sway over the initiates, his face giving nothing away as usual. Meeting my gaze, he quickly looked down to my right hand, that I cradled against my chest and started to scowl when he realized I was hurt.

 

It happened yesterday. While doing a rather risky jump from a roof, trying to imitate the action heroes in the movie I had landed the wrong way and while trying to soften my fall I had sprained my wrist. It wasn’t that bad and I could handle the pain, but it was still my dominant hand and it sucked.

 

“Today, you will fight. And to rank you accordingly we have one of our most respected members here. Four.” Dante addressed us before stepping aside to let my uncle take his place.

 

"Right," Tobias spoke, his intense gaze piercing every single one of us. "We have a tradition here like you all know. First jumper against last jumper. Time to fight."

 

I held back a groan, realizing what that meant I would have to fight Kathy, one of Cat´s friends.

Sure, it wouldn’t be a hard win, not at all but the outcome may be ugly. None of them understood the principle of initiation and they weren’t forgiving at all.

But I had no choice and it could be satisfying to put her in her place, to show her I wasn’t weak at all.

 

They gave us half an hour to warm up and I used it to my best abilities, jogging for a few minutes before stretching my muscles, careful of my wrist. Avery, Ivy, and Owen – or the three amigos- as I now called them stayed with me, giving me a few pointers and even though I appreciated that they had forgiven my outburst and tried now to help me, I wouldn't need it.

The other girls had formed a circle, shooting the four of us dirty looks while heatedly discussing something, but I paid them no mind.

 

Dante soon called time, while Theo and Toby cleared the ring for us. I stepped up, slipping out of my boots as I reached the matts, knowing we had to take them off.

A barefoot kick could be bad enough but my, with steel enhanced boots broke bones, like they were supposed to.

 

Trying to get a feeling for the floor surface I shifted around a little, waiting for Kathy to finally get into the ring. When she had managed to undo her shoe laces, she came to face me, a sneer adorning her sweaty face.

 

Scrutinizing her, I knew that even the little running we´ve had done already afflicted her, weakening her already bad composure. Trying to come over tough Kathy took in her stance, but it was full of flaws.

Her legs were too close together, making it easy to send her to the floor, while one arm was too high, the other too low, not protecting her chin at all.

 

I slowly resumed my own stance, waiting for the go. When Theo gave the signal, I stayed put, waiting for Kathy to attack first.

And she did.

 

Only a second after Theo spoke she came towards me, her right fist aiming at my face but it lacked force and it was more than just slightly without aim.

Not even ducking, I used the outside of my left hand to knock her fist off course, sending it into nothingness, using my right one to deliver a powerful punch to her nose.

 

Kathy stumbled back shrieking in pain, while I hissed, shaking my hand to lessen the throbbing in my wrist. I went back into position but held back not wanting to attack someone who had their back towards me, waiting for Kathy to resume her stance.

If my dad would have been here he would have kicked my ass for that behavior, but I already knew I would win so I didn’t have to be cruel or cocky about it.

 

After about thirty seconds Kathy finally turned around, glaring at me through teary eyes while her whole face was smeared with blood. It strangely reminded me of Sammy and her dauntless cake…

 

My attention was soon diverted, when Kathy came towards me a second time, a murderous expression adorning her not-anymore-so-beautiful face. My main strategy was to wait for them to come to me, only attacking viciously when I was angered.

But at that point, I wouldn’t hold back at all.

 

Stepping aside, I only needed to trip her a little, the force she came at me doing the rest. Kathy fell to the mat in a heap of limbs, while I contemplated what to do. If I should let her get up again or end it already.

“Lexi.”

 

Looking up I met the eyes of my brother, who gestured for me to finish the fight.

Sighing I complied and just as Kathy raised her head my heel hit the back of her skull, making it bounce off the matt.

Her body went limp and I knew instantly that she was unconscious, so I walked off the matts towards my uncle who watched me closely. Cat shot me homicidal looks while she and the rest of her minions hurried towards the unconscious girl, letting me know I had messed with the wrong ones.

As if I cared.

 

“Winner: Lexi!” Tobias spoke up, declaring what everyone already knew, before gesturing for me to come to him. When I was close enough he grabbed my right hand, observing me as he carefully bent my wrist. As I hissed in pain once again Tobias only sighed, speaking lowly. “What did you do? It´s sprained.”

 

If it would have been anyone else I would have rolled my eyes at him because he only pointing out the evident, but I knew better than to mess with my uncle in front of a bunch of initiates, so I only shrugged my shoulders.

Shaking his head in exasperation, Tobias only told me to go to the infirmary to get some ice and a shot with healing serum.

Complying his orders without question I walked out of the room, bypassing Dante on the way who gave me a small smile and a nod in acknowledgment, while I´m sure my smile looked as forced as it was.

His close proximity made me skittish and I was glad when I was finally away from him again, but my heart fell when I realized where I was going and what they would do to me.

 

I hated injections. With all my heart.

Metal needles pushing some vile substance into my bloodstream, knowing any of those fuckers from erudite could just poison me, while they most likely gave the fear serum to the factionless rebels made me shiver in disgust.

I simply hated shots.

.

.

.

Being done in the infirmary, I had only received a shot, sucking it up with gritted teeth, and an icepack just when they carried Kathy in. She was still unconscious and Cat was hurrying after, not letting them out of her sight.

The unconscious girl was quickly brought into a treatment room to check for any head injuries, but my kick had been so weak I was almost completely sure she wouldn’t even have a concussion.

 

Cat swayed her gaze over the room and when she met my gaze, hers instantly hardened, coming over to where I was with threatening steps.

I stayed there unfazed by her behavior, only annoyed that she dared to get into my face like that.

“You´re going to regret messing with us, bitch.”

 

Raising my eyebrows at her audacity, I looked down at her almost expecting smoke to come out of her ears. Taking a step forward myself I didn’t miss how she gulped at my threatening stance, a slight sign of nervousness but it was there.

And it was fucking satisfying.

Holding her gaze, I slowly walked away, still tense and aware of her every move to not be caught off guard if she tried to do anything stupid. But Cat only huffed in frustration before sweeping off a tray with medical supplies, that cluttered loudly when they met the floor.

 

I rolled my eyes at her dramatics but had to suppress a smirk when a nurse came rushing over, reprimanding her for doing that.

All our nurses were dauntless so good luck trying to mess with them.

 

Making my way back to the training room I knew that the others were getting ready to fight themselves, so I would have the rest of the morning off, only watching and categorizing the fighting techniques of the other dauntless born, before we would head to the shooting range on the roof after lunch.

 

Yay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was more of a filler chapter giving an insight into Lexi´s life in dauntless, but she won her first fight :D I´m sorry that it took me so long to update but it dragged on a little. I hope you like seeing her with little Sam! Dante wasn’t that present here because the last night was too much for Lexi to handle, so he would have just overwhelmed her at this point.
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> Thank you for reading & commenting! :)
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	11. chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**When I got** to the training room after stalling a bit, not really in the mood to watch the other fights I only saw how two members carried an unconscious Ivy away, face bloodied and bruised while Alex, one of the male initiates was doubled over in the ring.

When he straightened up I saw to my satisfaction that it seemed as if Ivy had given him a hard time winning his first fight. One of his eyes was swelling shut and numerous cuts littered his face, while Alex held his ribs in a way that made me assume at least one of them was cracked.

 

Making my way over to Owen and Avery who both seemed concerned but still proud I bumped my shoulder into Owens, prompting him to tell me what happened.

Owen sighed, arms crossed over his chest before he turned towards me, speaking lowly.

“It was a pretty even fight and Ivy got a lot of good hits in but when Alex managed to trip her and she landed on the floor it was over.”

 

Nodding my head slowly I knew, what happened to someone who couldn’t get off the floor fast enough from experience. At first, whenever one of my male training partners got me pinned to the floor it had been almost impossible to get up again. But with a lot of hard work and countless pain filled hours I had developed my own technique to get out of a choking grip and away from my opponent without getting hurt to such an extent that I would be immobile.

 

“Avery vs. Lyssa.” Turning my head, I was pulled from my thoughts by Dante who stood in front of the ring, eying me and Owen up. I guess it was because we still stood so close to each other like we had when we were talking.

Or when Owen talked to me.

I raised my eyebrow at Dante but he only blinked, face expressionless before turning towards the two girls in the ring, giving them the signal to start.

Sighing, I walked over to another matt, sitting down and making myself comfortable.

This would be a looong morning.

* * *

 

 

The fights turned out like I thought they would. Avery won against Lyssa with a few difficulties that had been caused by her flaunty stance, but she got out with only a few bruises while Lyssa had to go to the infirmary to get her broken nose fixed.

It wouldn’t take the bone longer than two or three days to heal, thanks to the healing serum which I could already feel working for my wrist, but a broken bone hurt nonetheless.

 

Avery joined me with a triumphant grin on her face obviously not yet feeling the hits she had taken and after nodding in congratulation we turned to watch the next fight, the most intense one of the day.

Owen against Marc.

 

Both of them had the best stance, the best techniques and the most strength in comparison to the others, resulting in a fight that lasted well over ten minutes.

Both threw numerous punches, blocking and always circling each other before the fight really started. Throwing the other one down, Marc and Owen ended on the matts countless times, forearms turning purple and faces taking the brunt of the hits.

They were pretty even until Marc decided to play dirty, placing a punch below the belt.

Literally.

 

When Owen doubled over, Marc only had to push once to get him to the ground before he managed to take him out with one kick.

To place punches on intimate areas was frowned upon, but not forbidden.

I just hoped they would deduct points for sloppy technique, Marc certainly deserved it.

And interpreting my brother´s expression he would do just that.

 

As I watched Owen being carried away, I came up with strategies in my head how to beat both of them after internalizing their fighting style.

Strength wise I would be no match to either of them, but I was faster and smaller, agiler and had fought against bigger opponents all my life, so it shouldn't be too hard.

At least that´s what I told myself.

 

The next fight was Cat against one of her friends, Kitty.

To sum it up, Cat didn't show mercy at all and Kitty had to go to the infirmary with claw marks adorning her face. I´m sure the makeup that was running down her tear stricken face must have burned in them like hell.

 

Jackson´s and Josh´s fight was mediocre, both a little reluctant to face each other and when Josh knocked him unconscious after five minutes Jackson was only out for a few seconds, not even needing to go to the infirmary.

 

But nothing could have prepared any of us for the last fight.

Knowing Riley and his personality I should have expected the violence we all were faced with, but I didn’t. I couldn’t have fathomed that he would want to hurt Candy, a girl he hung out with all the time, so much.

The only way to describe this fight was that he was the cat and she was the little bird that had fallen out of the nest.

Riley toyed with her, flaunting his superiority, as he planted his fist on Candy over and over again, but never on the same place and never with enough force to knock her unconscious. That would have been too merciful for him after only a few agonizing minutes.

 

Standing up, I walked closer, arms crossed over my chest as Riley continued to pummel Candy´s face, asking myself why she didn’t just concede.

It may be frowned upon by most dauntless but I rather she would stop him before he killed her.

Being closer to them now, Candy writhing on the floor while Riley sat on her hips effectively pinning her to the matts, I saw her lips moving. Straining my ears, my head whipped up towards my brother when I heard that she frantically muttered that she indeed conceded.

 

Dante and Theo both looked at me with questioning gazes, jaws gritted at the bloody display in front of them, while I gestured towards Candy who slowly started to lose consciousness, while no one except Riley was able to hear her or see her lips moving.

 

“That´s enough Riley!”

 

Dante spoke up, but if he didn’t hear him or choose not to I have no idea, I only knew he wasn’t stopping hitting her.

So before even my brother could step up I was on the matts tackling him off her, narrowly avoiding a punch that was aimed at my face as we barreled down onto the floor. Landing a few feet away from him I immediately got up again to defend myself when I saw Riley coming towards me with anger blazing eyes.

But before he could reach me someone grabbed his collar and I found myself once again shielded by Dante´s back, who was detaining Riley while Theo was crouched down beside an unconscious Candy, checking her over.

 

I watched how the same two members like before picked her up, carrying her away to get immediate medical attention, my brother´s gaze following them out of the room.

 

Furious I stormed towards Theo, pushing him backward when I reached him. He stumbled back but managed to maintain his balance, glaring at me he looked like a carbon copy of dad, before grabbing my shoulders and hissing at me.

“What the fuck, Lexi?! We were just about to handle it! You had no right to do so yourself!”

 

Ripping myself out of his grip, I slapped his hands away before gesturing him that Candy had conceded but no one heard her. Theo´s expression turned solemn, observing me quietly for a moment.

“Are you sure?”

 

I nodded once, watching how Theo gritted his jaw, lost in thought before marching over to a stern Dante who seemed to lecture Riley.

Following quietly, I saw how Theo asked Riley something. As his eyes flickered through the room and he shrugged his shoulders I knew I had been right, as did Theo.

He only smiled sarcastically for a moment, whispering something at his initiate before pulling back and knocking him unconscious with one solid punch.

 

Turning away from the crumbled dauntless born seemingly unbothered Theo faced us, his expression stern as his voice rung through the vast space.

 

“I´m going to tell you this once: If someone _concedes_ you stop the second he or she speaks up. If you fail to do so you will experience the joy of facing one of us.” He gestured between him and Dante. “And there won´t be any conceding either. You understand?”

As the initiates muttered that they indeed had understood my brother nodded, meeting my stony gaze.

“Dismissed.”

 

Staying where I am, I watched the other initiates leave the room shaking my head at Avery who threw me a questioning look, gesturing for her to go ahead. I wasn’t done with my brother yet. The least thing he could do was watch out for his initiates, which he failed to do so today.

 

But before I could approach him Dante came up, stopping right in front of me while my brother was busy talking to someone who had rushed in, handing him a few papers.

 

“You did the right thing, Lexi.”

Looking away from Theo I realized Dante had stepped even closer, his face now hovered close to mine, hot breath brushing over me. Unconsciously tilting my head, exposing my neck I shivered when I felt his stubble graze the sensitive skin.

Facing him again Dante pulled back, smirking when he looked deep into my eyes while I was too stunned to move.

He took a step back, gaze never leaving mine as he spoke up.

 

“You better get going. I don´t want to keep you from eating.”

 

Throwing me a wink Dante turned around, striding towards my brother who was clueless about what had happened less than 20 feet away from where he was standing.

Still, a little bit dazed I walked towards the door, forgetting all about the anger I felt towards my brother I walked out of the training room to search for Avery.

* * *

 

After checking Ivy and Owen in the infirmary who were alright, we spent our break chatting with the transfers, or at least Avery did, while I listened. They hadn´t started the fights yet because none of them were skilled enough after only one week of training. Still, it was obvious they would start soon.

All of them liked Ben but Blade was a pain in the ass always picking on the weak ones, especially the abnegation twins. Those two didn’t look like stiffs at all in their black attire showcasing their not so insignificant muscles. At 1 pm, when we all got up to get back to training I saw several dauntless females eying them up as if they were pieces of meat.

 

In the training room, we divided, the transfers following an agitated Blade over to the punching bags while Dante led the rest of us to the shooting range on the rooftop. Ben and Theo were busy doing some leader stuff so he had to handle us all on his own.

Not that we were many after the fights, only five.

The losers were still in the infirmary getting treated just like Riley and Alex, who had gotten his own share by Ivy and I could see it in Dante´s face that they hadn’t thought about injured initiates.

Still, it wouldn’t be too bad.

Every one of us knew already how to shoot and throw knives so one missed training session was nothing to worry about.

 

Today we would start with small firearms. Dante had them lying on a table, passing them out to each of us with a warning look before ordering us to take them apart and assemble them a few times.

Following his instructions, Dante took our time, writing it down.

 

After that, he lectured us about how wind and distance influenced the angle we would hit the target with and what we could do to counter it. I only listened with half an ear, constantly rubbing my arms that started to sting from the cold wind that blew around us, glaring at Dante because he could have just as well told us all of this stuff inside. Even though the sun shone brightly it was relatively cold on the draughty roof and I damned myself for not thinking about grabbing a jacket.

 

When Dante was finally done with his sermon about gun safety he ordered us to start shooting and I happily obliged. Relieved to be able to warm myself up a little I grabbed a gun and faced the nearest target, immediately starting to shoot.

 

Dad had started the shooting training when I was about five, with pellet guns of course and even though it didn't come as natural to me as knife throwing I had mastered it over the years.

So when Dante came over to correct my stance I may have had not an inkling what he hoped to achieve but it wasn’t to improve my shooting abilities. Nonetheless, I was grateful for the heat his body emitted as his arms caged me in, his hands gripping mine as he aimed for the target.

 

“You really should have worn a jacket.” Whispering into my ear, Dante pulled the trigger and I knew without looking that he had hit bullseye. Pulling back, Dante rubbed up and down my arms a few times while shivers ran down my spine. If it was from the warmth or his touch I had no idea but I didn’t want him to leave me in the cold again.

As Dante walked away to help another dauntless born my gaze followed him all the way.

* * *

 

He pushed the door open, holding me to him with one arm under my butt. My legs were slung around his waist, fingers tangled in his hair as my lips hungrily moved in sync with his.

Carrying me over the threshold with some difficulties, he kicked the door shut behind us, before sneaking his hand into the back of my shirt. Caressing my lower back he pulled my hair tie off, freeing my untamable curls.

Shaking my head to make them at least a little presentable, my hands were all over him and I was fueled by an indescribable desire as I trailed them over his broad chest, admiring his defined abs. Letting them wander lower I lured a strangled groan from deep within his throat that was soon silenced by my lips.

I had no idea how we ended up here, only knowing training had ended early, but my mind was way too occupied to comprehend any of this as he started to nibble on my neck.

Pulling his hair only seemed to increase his efforts and I tangled my fingers in his t-shirt when he found an especially sensitive spot.

 

I smirked at his eagerness as he bypassed the kitchen carrying me right into his bedroom where he threw himself onto the bed, leaving me on top of him.

One of my favorite positions.

Shifting in his lap, I straddled him, pushing his torso back onto the bed and keeping him there with my hands on his chest I grinned down at him.

Rolling his eyes, he grabbed one of them and leading it towards his head he pressed a kiss to my palm.

Biting my lip, I observed him, unconsciously caressing his stubbly cheek, my eyes never leaving his as I finally tilted my face.

He met me halfway, our tongues intertwining as our mouths clashed and he pulled me even closer by my hips as he started to trail kisses up and down my neck.

 

In this position, my hair was all over the place and when he went to kiss me again and it got into his way he only chuckled lightly. Grinning up at me, he brushed the long curls out of my face, forming a make-shift ponytail while I let my fingers wander beneath his shirt, trailing them over the hot muscles on his abdomen and his V-lines.

 

But just when he went to kiss me again, I started to get this strange feeling. Turning my head away, I blinked rapidly, while the man under me pushed himself up onto his elbows, observing me worriedly.

“Lexi?”

 

I just shook my head, gesturing for him that I needed a moment as the tingling feeling in my nose got stronger until I couldn’t hold it back any longer.

I sneezed.

 

“Is everything alright?”

 

Sniffling slightly, I nodded but immediately had to sneeze again. And again.

Chuckling at my less than sexy performance, Dante pressed his hand against my forehead but it soon turned into a scowl as he looked up at me.

“You´re burning up. And I thought I was the one to make you so hot.”

 

Winking in a pitiful attempt to make me fill better, Dante lifted me off him situating me on his bed before he got up. I fretted as Dante pulled the blankets over me, only now realizing I was feeling like shit.

The heat I felt, what I had pegged to the close proximity of Dante must have been me catching a cold.  
Fabulous.

* * *

 

Not even half an hour later I felt like dying.

Holed up with at least four blankets, I alternated between feeling too hot and too cold. My nose was running in the most unattractive way and it hurt to swallow, while my head was killing me.

Dante came back into his bedroom with a hot cup of tea and a regretful expression on his face, knowing it sort of his fault because he didn´t tell us to bring a jacket.

“How are you feeling?”

 

When I shot him a look that told him _exactly_ how I felt, while coughing violently, Dante bit his lip to suppress his laugh at my misery as he handed me the tea and a pill.

“It´s medication from erudite.”

 

Grimacing, I eyed it wearily not really trusting the little thing in my hand but when Dante raised his eyebrow at me I swallowed it out of necessity with a mouthful of water. He watched me the whole time.

 

Letting myself fall back into the mattress I curled up, closing my eyes for what I told myself only a moment. The last thing I felt before falling asleep was a hand brushing over my cheek.  Leaning into his touch I smiled tiredly.

 

“Sleep now, Lexi.”

And I did.

* * *

 

I spent the whole next day lounging around in Dante´s flat, not doing anything. After taking the medicine I felt a lot better but I suspected it was also some kind of sleeping pill because I woke up at 10 o´clock the next morning.

Alone.

Groggy how I was I scrambled out of bed knowing I had missed the first hours of training, ready to run to the dormitories, but hesitated when I realized I was only dressed in an oversized t-shirt that sure as hell wasn’t mine.

But when I came stumbling into the kitchen I found a sealed bowl of soup, another pill and a note saying I was excused from training and should make myself at home.

Shaking my head little I couldn’t help but smile a little at his attentiveness. The only other person that ever took care of me like that was mom and she was still an abnegation at heart. So no wonder there.

 

I warmed the soup up before flogging down on the couch zapping through the channels until I found a soap opera that had been labeled as trash TV. Sniggering to myself at their stupidity I devoured the food, asking myself if Dante had cooked it himself because I had never eaten anything like it in the mess hall. It was delicious.

 After doing the dishes I took the pill he had left me, making myself comfortable and like the night before it didn’t take me long to fall asleep again.

 

* * *

 

 

The rattling of keys woke me up again and this time around I felt as if I hadn’t been sick at all. Propping myself up, I watched as a tired looking Dante walked through the door. He sighed deeply, closing his eyes for a moment before walking towards the kitchen, throwing his keys onto a cabinet and ridding himself of his jacket and shoes.

Dante almost walked past me but halted in his steps when he saw my disheveled self, sitting on the couch and the smile that crept onto his face as he came towards me made my insides churn in the best way possible.

 

“Hi.” Dante breathed, as he let himself fall onto the couch pulling me into him. “You look a lot better. I´m glad you didn’t die on me, but I guess that´s because I´m such an awesome nurse.”

Nuzzling my face into the crook of his neck I tried to hide my stupid grin but when he laughed quietly I knew he had felt it against his skin. Even though he must have trained the whole day he still smelled heavenly. I trailed my finger over his biceps, thankful for the tight shirt he was wearing.

Dante checked my temperature and my pulse, trying to be inconspicuous about it but I slapped his hand away from my forehead, scooting down the couch until I could lie back again.

“Where do you think you´re going, Lexi?”

 

Dante tried to pull me back into him, however, I was faster and placed my head in his lap, raising my eyebrow as he shook his head in mock exaggeration at my behavior. But soon after Dante laid his head back onto the sofa rest, shielding his eyes with his arm.

 

I watched him for a few moments, asking myself if he fell asleep and when his breathing evened out I had my answer. But it could have been that he was trying to wind me up, so I poked him. But when my finger met his abs multiple times and Dante still didn’t react I sighed, getting up.

 

Asking myself, what he would do I gently laid him down on the couch, tucking him in before hesitantly making my way over into the kitchen.

* * *

 

The eggs were just done and I flipped them around with a spatula when two big arms slung themselves around my waist pulling me back into a broad chest.

“Sorry that I fell asleep. It was a tiring day.” Leaning into him I turned my head, trailing my nose over his jaw. “What are you cooking? Smells great.” Dante murmured into my hair, breathing in deeply.  I snorted. Scrambled eggs were pretty much everything I was able to cook and they were nothing compared to the things he always made for me.  

 

“I´m serious.” Dante turned me around but kept me caged in with his arms on either of my sides on the counter. Rolling my eyes, I knew he only wanted to be nice about my lack of skill, which I really appreciated even though we both knew it wasn’t true.

 

Dante started to laugh when he saw my scrunched up face, that was caused by the thought of eating my self-made food, shaking his head at me with a grin.

But he soon turned solemn again. Surprised by his sudden change of mood I furrowed my brows as he started to speak.

“You think you´re still contagious?”

 

Even though I had no idea why he asked, I shook my head. The erudite medicine was always working fast and after almost 24 hours there shouldn’t be any trace of the cold left in my body. That much I had learned in school.

 

“Good.” Dante said, tilted his head and captured my lips in a soft kiss. My eyes fell shut on their own accord and before I knew it my hands were once again tangled in his soft hair.

It was nothing like yesterday. It wasn't rushed, but slow, nonetheless passionate. And even though I´ve never been kissed like that before I knew I wouldn't ever get enough of it.

When Dante’s tongue traced my bottom lip asking for entrance I happily obliged, losing myself in his comforting touch.

That was until a biting smell reached my nostrils.

 

Pushing him away from me I hurried back to the stove, groaning when I saw black smock rising from the frying pan. I quickly took the handle, thrust it into the sink and opened the faucet.  I heard the water sizzling and watched the now ruined meal with sad eyes.

It´s the thought that counts, isn’t it?

 

Dante came to lean on the counter to my side and I knew without looking at him that he tried his hardest to suppress a grin as he patted my back empathically as if I were a puppy.

“Looks like your eggs are burnt.”

 

Seeing the murderous glare, I shot him, Dante bit his lips before smiling his most charming smile. “Come on. I´m going to fix us something.”

 

Lifting me up, Dante set me down on the counter, before busying himself with cutting up vegetables and stirring the sauce for the chicken he was frying. Every time he started something else he let me try first, feeding me with a spoon like you would do with a little child.

And even though I had never imagined finding myself in such a domestic situation I realized with a shock that I liked it.

That I liked him.

Maybe a little too much.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second half of this chapter didn’t turn out like I had imagined it, but I thought it was fitting. I hope you like it! :)  
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading & commenting & leaving Kudos!! :)


	12. chapter 11

**Despite my protests** , I had to sit out Wednesday´s session too because and I quote: “It´s too dangerous to train when you´re sick. “

Not wanting my father to get suspicious because I didn’t show up to training and simply disappeared I reluctantly left Dante´s flat Tuesday night to go sleep at Harper's. Technically it wasn't allowed to sleep anywhere but the dorms, however since my own instructor had already broken that rule I was sure he wouldn’t mind another night.

Harper opened the door looking as if she fell out of bed and when I saw some guy behind her scrambling around, pulling his pants back up I knew she really did. I sincerely hoped for the poor guy that my father wouldn’t find out about their little affair.

Dad had always been pretty strict about guys but while he practically gave up on me he was still as hard towards Harper and even worse to the guys that dared to touch her.

I swear I caught him manipulating a patrol officer’s car once just to be able to put him in the infirmary. Luckily my uncle caught them, breaking up the fight before it was too late.

Dad could be a real psychopath if he wanted to.

 

I joined the other dauntless born for lunch on Wednesday and since all of them knew I had been sick no one really asked stupid questions about where I had spent the night.

When Thursday rolled around I was finally able to participate again and participated in my first practice of knife throwing. It wasn’t challenging for someone who had trained most of his life and nothing out of the ordinary happened if you don´t count Avery hitting bullseye as something extraordinary.

Which I didn’t.

After two hours of relentless practice, Dante declared we´ve had enough for one day and took us out for a run through the city with a few other members to flank us, keeping eyes out for any suspicious activity. With so many factionless we could never be cautious enough.

Whenever they saw a weakness, they attacked like rabid dogs.

 

Dante took the lead position and chased us halfway to candor and back again reminding us to bring our jackets. It was obvious that he still had a bad conscious about me getting sick and I found it strangely endearing.

We exited through one of the most used exits that was only known to dauntless, no other faction wanting to endanger members in the caves and Dante started to run immediately, sprinting his way to the front. Not wanting him to think I was slacking off I kept up with him, Dante raising his eyebrow at my silent challenge.

That was the reason why we had to wait over five minutes for the rest to catch up with us, outrunning them after only 20 minutes

While we waited not so patiently, we stood wide in the open surrounded by abandoned and crumbling down buildings our position leaving us incredibly vulnerable for everyone inside. I eyed every exit wearily, a strange feeling rising in my gut that told me we should get going as my anxiety skyrocketed.

 

Dante who of course noticed my unease only bumped his shoulder into mine, talking non-sense to crack me up and distract me as he pulled me into a quick kiss.

And it worked.

When the others arrived I had to turn around because I still wore the stupid grin that matched Dante´s who just continued with his run as if nothing was out of the ordinary, winking at me as he did so.

 

One half of our run was around 8 miles the only break for water at a patrol station, where dauntless oversaw abnegation giving out food to the factionless. I stayed back, not wanting to get too close to them.

Even though I knew I could take all of them especially since those factionless were all scrawny I was still uncomfortable in their presence, which explained my tendency to avoid them.

 

I had just turned away from the dauntless born, letting my gaze once again sway over the higher floors of the opposite building as suddenly a hand clasped down over my shoulder, making me jump in surprise. By reflex I grabbed it, spinning around ready to punch. But I faltered in my actions when I came face to face with an older Abnegation man, who must have been in his mid-sixties.

When I took a step back, he raised his hands in surrender with a soft smile, trying to show that he didn’t mean any harm. Still, I fretted as his audacity. I hated when strange people touched me just like that.

It was a well-known fact that the greys didn't like physical contact of any form, so why the hell did he?

 

“You must excuse me. I didn’t think.” Throwing me a charismatic smile the old man addressed me, his hands folded in front of him. “You must be Alexis right?”

 

Carefully composing my face into an expressionless mask, I eyed him down from head to toe. He seemed to be well-groomed, face and clothes clean but not over the top which was typical for an abnegation.

Unobtrusive.

But how he knew my name I had no idea.

 

“I know what you must think. That I´m just a crazy old man talking to an innocent young girl.” His face contorted into something akin to sorrow as he smiled a sad smile. “I´m sure your mother and uncle haven’t talked much about me and even though I don’t deserve any of their anger I understand the resentment they feel. But I wish they would show a little respect. I´m still their father after all.”

.

.

.

I was doubled over in the ring trying to breathe through the throbbing pain in my abdomen. My opponent, Josh who was currently lying on the mats, unconscious, had landed a powerful punch to my ribs. It had ben the only real hit he had gotten in but he really did pack a punch. Grimacing, I knew my ribs were at least bruised and would hurt like a bitch for the rest of the week but not at much as Josh´s who had gotten numerous hits to his.

 

Our fight had lasted for over five minutes and even though it was a lot more complicated than my first one it had been rather easy to dodge all his powerful blows. Joah had tired out soon and with a move my uncle taught me, throwing him over one of my shoulders I sent him to the mats, straddling him before I knocked him out.

 

My fight had been the second to last, so afterward I joined Ivy and Owen who both had already won theirs. To my satisfaction Owen had knocked Riley mercilessly, dislocating his shoulder until he passed out from the pain, while Ivy had it easy against Kathy, the same girl I fought a few days ago.

 

Cat lost against Alex who had been rather reluctant to knock her out and immediately took a step away from her when she screeched that she conceded. As I snorted Cat shot me a murderous glare before being helped off the mats, clearing them for two of her friends. 

The fight between Kitty and Candy had been so bad Theo told them to get off the fucking mats before he would make them both factionless.

Yes, he was rather edgy today, sending me annoyed looks even though I hadn’t done anything. If you count throwing pudding at him as nothing.

Sibling love cannot be replaced.

 

The last fight was Marc against Lyssa which Marc won to no one´s astonishment. After the second round of fights he, Alex and I were the last one´s that hadn’t been defeated yet.

But we still had 14 to go, two each week so all was fair game.

 

Soon after, Theo dismissed us rather clipped, storming out of the room before anyone else could even move a toe. Dante only shrugged his shoulders answering my silent question while I only rolled my eyes at Theo´s dramatics.

Something he had gotten from dad.

 

Walking out beside Ivy and Owen, who talked about the rankings that would be declared to us at the end of the week I shot Dante a small smile, him smirking in return.

The mischievous expression that adorned his handsome face couldn’t mean anything good so I hurried out before he could get any ideas. Chuckling to myself I was lost in my own thoughts, not realizing that Ivy had stopped talking and was now watching me with something akin to wonder as we stepped into the still almost empty cafeteria.

"And what the hell got you smiling like a cheesy Cheshire cat on Christmas?”

 

Looking up, I met her inquisitive gaze only lightly shaking my head at her that it was nothing. She snorted, piling food onto her tray from the buffet since the trays on the tables weren’t yet out. Following her example, I grabbed a burger, a piece of carrot cake and a few fruits, shuddering at the images that ran through my head as I passed the chocolate cake.

 

"Don´t think I didn't see what kind of looks you share with our instructor. Personally, I think your brother is way hotter than Dante but he is still a fine piece of ass. Well done munchkin!” Ivy who had tilted her head towards me, speaking lowly now strode away, hips swaying while I was glued to my spot with an open mouth and wide eyes.

 

Only when someone stumbled into me I regained my senses and hurried to our table, slamming my tray down opposite of her demanding an explanation. Ivy only laughed at me taking a hefty bite out of her burger chewing exaggeratedly, swallowing dramatically, almost chocking as she took a gulp of water and saw my murderous expression.

 

“Chill. I just happened to see you two making out in a hallway ages ago but don´t worry. No one else knows. And it will stay that way if you deliver me you brother with only a ribbon wrapped around his piece by tomorrow night.” She winked at me going back to her burger while I only shook my head in disgust, the image burned behind my eyelids.

 

I had to endure her bad jokes for half of the meal until the mess hall started to fill and the other initiates arrived, effectively shutting Ivy up.

Cat strutted to our table, only two of her girls following while the other two still were in the infirmary. It was clear as day that she had tried to cover up her black eye with makeup but failed miserably. As she caught me hiding my smirk behind my cup Cat narrowed her eyes at me, tutting.

She pretended to be busy cutting up her meal that only consisted of low carb things before she turned to me, smiling innocently.

“Lexi?” Cat spoke in a way too sweet voice, making me want to cover my eyes to stop them from bleeding. “That was your grandfather today, wasn’t it? How sad to know that you´re following his footsteps. I´m really concerned about you.” Seeing my dubious expression, she stuck out her lips in a mock pout. “I´m serious. Meeting Marcus Eaton must have shaken you up. So before you feel the urge of shooting us all please jump into the chasm.”

 

The whole table went quiet, only Ivy gasped looking ready to jump her bones, while Owens' knuckles went white beside me.

 

Blinking a few times, I started to chuckle, shaking my head slightly before I threw her a wide smile. If she though that would wound me she didn’t knew me at all. Picking up my cup I flung the water into her caked face, watching in satisfaction as the makeup started to run down.

 

Gasping in surprise, Cat stared at me as if I really lost it, while I scrunched up my face into an excusing expression trailing down my fingers under my eye. Ivy laughed, understanding the insinuation at her black eye that was now visible without the make-up.

“Yeah, Cat. You got something _right there_.”

 

Bowing over, Ivy waved her fingers in Cat´s face barely missing her eye. Cat slapped them away, turning towards me to insult me further, I had no doubt but her eyes went wide, while her face went pale. Ivy was still chuckling unsuspectingly, not realizing that the whole cafeteria went quiet, all eyes trailed on our table.

Or rather something behind it.

I felt him before I even knew he was there and from intuition that he was furious.

 

Turning in my seat I threw my father who stood there in his full height a dazzling smile. But his furry blazing eyes were glued to a visibly terrified Cat who shrunk back in her seat, petrified of the man in front of her.

 

“You want to repeat that, initiate?” Dad´s voice was as calm as it was deadly.

 

“No, sir!” Cat squeaked out, her gaze swaying widely over all the heads that were turned towards us, desperate searching for someone to help her.

 

“Good. Because the way I understood it was, that you insinuated my daughter should kill herself. Is that what you want?”

 

Shaking her head rapidly, Cat was on the verge of fainting _and_ peeing herself at the same time much to my delight. Leaning back in my seat, I crossed my arms trying my hardest to suppress my smirk and enjoy the show. Catching Ivy´s eyes, it seemed as if she too had to laugh even though she too looked a little fearful.

 

“I´m glad. Because you don’t really want to know what I would do to someone who said that to my own flesh and blood, do you?” Dad stared her down, waiting until she lowered her head in defeat too scared to meet his eyes, like all her little friends around her. Tilting his head, Dad barked his next words and as Cat jumped up in her seat, she almost fell off the bench.

“And what the hell did you say about Marcus Eaton?!”

 

Eager to comply and sensing her chance for remedy, Cat pulled herself together speaking in her most submissive voice. “Sir, we met him on our run, sir. And he spoke to Lexi when we stopped at a patrol point. That was all, Sir.”

 

For the first time, dad looked down at me with narrowed eyes and I could basically see the cogs in his head turning. For a moment he was quiet clenching his jaw while I only managed to raise my eyebrow at him lazily. There were more important things, like the cake on my plate.

“Is that true?”

 

When I shrugged my shoulders I hadn’t been prepared for him to pull me up instantly, his hand clutched around my bicep like a vice. Trying not to trip over my own feet because dad´s steps were so much longer than mine I struggled to keep up as he guided me towards the exit, every single dauntless in the mess hall gawking at us.

By tomorrow at lunch, every single soul in the compound would know about the fight.

Fabulous.

 

We were almost out of the mess hall when Dante stepped in laughing about something the guy beside him said freezing with a puzzled expression when he spotted my father basically dragging me out. I knew what he was thinking.

How the hell had I managed to get myself into such deep shit not even half an hour after he had dismissed us.

 

“Dante!” Dad barked, making his head turn towards him in question. “You are supposed to handle your damn initiates!”

 

“I just dismissed them, sir. They shouldn’t have been able to do anything stupid in the twenty minutes since training ended.” Dante shot me a half-accusing glare, while I only looked at him deeply offended. It wasn’t even my fault… At least not this time.

 

"Well and what about letting some half-assed abnegation wannabe's talk to my daughter while you´re out on your run?! You are responsible for their safety and that was an obvious breach!”

 

Gazing up at my dad with wide-eyes because now he was just humiliating me, I looked over to Dante who seemed deeply confused observing the two of us, searching for answers. Not wanting dad to embarrass me further I started to push against his back, shoving him forward while trying to silently excuse to Dante, who only furrowed his brow in return. It seemed to annoy dad enough to get him going again, but he still insisted that I hadn’t been mortified enough.

 

“I want her punished accordingly. For the rest of initiation.”

 

The last thing I saw before dad pulled me through the doors was Dante´s confused expression, as he tried to piece together what just happened while I was silently gleeful. Even though what Cat said didn’t affect me in the slightest, she´s had her punishment coming.

Dauntless senior leader Eric Coulter never disappoints.

.

.

.

 

Even though it was already after six, mom was still in her office working bowed down over some paperwork regarding amity. So when dad threw the door open, slamming it against the wall she looked up sharply, startled by the harsh demeanor he strode in with.

 

“Eric. What´s wrong? I told you I´d be home later today. I still have to work out a few more things for the new representative of amity and I have to get this done now.”

Taking off her reading glasses, mom rubbed her forehead the exhaustion evident on her still beautiful face. But when dad pulled me in front of him she sat up, mustering us suspiciously putting the pieces together.

 

“That´s great for you.” Dad snarled, mom throwing him the same look she would punish a petulant toddler with. After 25 years she was used to his crap but had learned not to let his behavior overwhelm her or ride her over. Being married to leader Eric was hard work. “But if you don’t give me _one reason_ to not go to abnegation and skin your father alive it would be nice to hear it now.”

 

Staring at her husband, mom´s face went pale, her gaze flitting between me and my father obviously slowly connecting the dots.

She suddenly stood up, making the chair drag over the floor noisily but she didn’t pay it any mind as she hurried over, taking my face in her hands, frantically searching for anything.

“What did he do?! Tell me what he did to you!”

 

When she started to shake me, her hands on my shoulders I untangled myself, shooting dad a look that screamed at him to do something. He was better at consoling than I was and after all, he´d been the person to drag me here so it was his to deal with.

 

“Amy!” He barked, catching her wrist in his hand. “Calm down. From what I heard he just talked to her.”

 

Deflating visibly, mom leaned her head against dad´s shoulder exhaling deeply in relief. Dad had calmed down a little, his entrance obviously dramatic enough because now he slung his arm around mom´s waist, squishing her into his side.

I watched my parents with furrowed brows, not knowing what the hell was wrong with them. After a few moments mom pulled herself together enough to face me again.

 

“Did he threaten you in any way? Or did he…” She swallowed visibly. “Did he say anything about me and Tobias?”

 

Shrugging my shoulders, I denied. My _grandfather_ hadn’t really said much that I didn’t know yet and most of it had been nonsense that he was still a better leader than Tris´dad. Still, despite his obvious mental confusion after hearing him, I knew why people had chosen him to lead.

He was undeniably charismatic.

 

“I never told any of you that, because I didn’t want to burden you but my father is not a good person.” Mom said quietly her gaze lowered to the floor, as dad comforted her by caressing her back. I used the moment of distraction to compose myself. The last thing I wanted them to know was that I´ve heard that story many times.

It was one of Edgar´s favorites. How he was the love child of a poor, abused young woman who despite her abusive husband found the love of her life and left to join him as a factionless, to let them rise to unknown power.

Bullshit.  
Fighting for your life every day, watching how young women were raped and children starved wasn’t romantic. And exposing a child to that was incredibly selfish.

I would rather die than join the factionless.

Mom´s quiet words pulled me from my thoughts.

 

“When Tobias and I did something wrong, he´d… punish us.” Closing her eyes, she shuddered before throwing me a reassuring smile laced with sadness. “His favorite tool was the belt… He was so bad my mother, your grandmother had to fake her death because she got pregnant again. I still ask myself what happened to the poor child…”

 

Now it was my turn to shudder. Closing my eyes, blocking out the rest of her words I knew exactly how a belt felt and what happened to the _poor child_. He had grown up to be a cruel bastard that didn’t give a damn about his family.

Or anyone for that matter.

When suddenly two gentle hands enveloped mine, squeezing reassuringly I jumped in surprise, my eyes flying open to meet mom´s apprehensive grey one´s.

“Don´t worry, he can’t do anything to you.”

 

Dad snorted. "Like hell, he could. Lexi had been trained by the best members we have. She can take on an old man.""Well, Eric he isn't just any old man! You know what he is capable of!"

“He is _old_. And Lexi would be more than superior if she would ever have to fight the bastard, isn’t that right Lexi?!”

 

Both had been too busy arguing than to pay me attention but were now turning towards me again. Like a deer in headlight´s, I stared back, scrunching up my face in a dubious expression I agreed with my father. I could take him down easily.

 

“I just…” Mom took a few steps towards me, pulling me into an embrace holding on tightly. “I want you save, honey. I don’t want to give him the chance to do the things to you that he did to me. Do you understand that?”

 

Smiling softly at her, I nodded and mom pressed a lingering kiss to my forehead letting go again because she knew I didn’t like body contact. She Turned back to my father, wrapping her arms around him and I watched for a moment as they whispered things to each other.

The way I knew them, it were sweet nothings, excusing to each other for screaming and doubting their never dying love or something like that. And because I knew them too well I silently made my way out of the office to avoid witnessing the second part of them making up.

It was nothing any child wanted to witness their parents doing.

.

.

.

I had wandered through the compound for a few hours, sitting on the roof in a corner that was sheltered from the wind, letting my thoughts wander into every direction possible knowing sleep would be hard to find later.

I was restless. Still haunted by the strange sensation in my guts when I waited with Dante for the other´s to catch up with us, my neck starting to tingle.

Paranoid or not, I had felt someone’s eye´s on me.

And I was sure it wasn’t someone pleasant.

 

So instead of trying to catch up on some sleep, that would just avoid me I managed to sneak into my brother´s flat stealing one of the wine bottles that were far too expensive to buy them myself, arriving at my destination in under ten minutes.

Knocking two times I didn’t have to wait long for him to open the door, while I bounced anticipating what I had planned for the evening.

 

Leaning against the door frame, Dante stared at me with raised eyebrows taking in my appearance. When I tried to push past him his outstretched arm halted my steps, keeping me out.

Meeting his gaze expectantly I waited for him to tell me why he didn’t let me in.

Cocking his head, Dante smirked devilishly his hand still resting against the frame, blocking my entrance.

“And why do you think you deserve to be granted access into my flat? After all, you´re the reason Eric´s pissed at me. Maybe I should tell him his little girl came knocking on my door at an inappropriate time of the night.”

 

Rolling my eyes at his bad acting skills, I simply slipped in under his arm shrieking when the same one slung itself around my abdomen pulling me back into a hard chest. The door loudly fell shut behind us while Dante was busy brushing the hair away from my neck rubbing his stubbly cheek over the sensitive skin while stripping me out of my jacket.

When I tried to avoid the tickling by pushing his head away, Dante simply lifted me up snatching the bottle out of my grasp before he threw me over his shoulder.

 

“We won´t need this one tonight, princess.” The dull clank of glass on wood signaled me that he had discarded the bottle, leaving it behind on the dining table instead of taking it with us. I only gazed at it longingly while Dante continued into his bedroom his hand on my leg itching upwards while the only thing I could think about was that my liquid courage was gone.

 

I felt Dante shifting beneath me and faster than I could react I was flying through the air, my back meeting the soft mattress. I hadn’t even stopped bouncing before Dante was on top of me, his lips meeting mine with fervor while he kept his weight off me to his best abilities.

Closing my eyes, I reveled in the feeling of his body so close to mine, his breath fanning my face as he nibbled on my lower lip, teasing me.

Pulling back, Dante smirked his nose brushing over mine but before I could claim his lips he would move his head away while pinning me down, making it impossible to move. But after he did this for the third time I´ve had enough.

Linking my leg over his knee I used all my strength to roll us around. Dante gaped at me, now lying on his back while I straddled him, sporting a victorious grin.

“How did you do that?!”

 

Shrugging I bend down, trailing kisses up and down his neck, smiling against him as I felt something that captured my attention, little unevenness’s on his skin. Frowning, I pulled my head away, eliciting a groan in disagreeing, closely observing the little bump I had felt.

It looked like a regular round scar, not big or noticeable in any way. That´s why I hadn´t seen it before despite our making out. But now up so close I spotted more and more of them, all over his neck littering the so flawless skin.

If I wouldn’t know better, I´d guess it were injection scars from a needle.

But not even my uncle who went through his fear landscape once a month had these kind of scars.

 

Tilting his head away with a slight grip on his chin, Dante complied willingly because he must have thought I wanted to continue nibbling him but when I started to trace his scars with my fingers he noticeably stiffened under me, capturing my hands in one of his as he stopped me from exploring them further.

His voice was forcibly unbothered as he avoided my eyes.

 

“Don´t worry about them. It´s nothing.”

 

Knowing when not to push further even though I was burning to get it out of him, I snuggled closer taking his cheeks in my hand that he had released. I kissed him, tracing his lips with my tongue before he took control once again, breathing labored against my lips.

“You really want this?”

When I nodded against his head, our mouths glued together Dante´s hands were under my shirt in an instant, pushing it up until he could freely roam over my abdomen, his thumbs caressing my sides as I worked to get his off. I managed to do see without causing a long interruption, biting his lower lip after he flung the piece of clothing somewhere in his bedroom.

 

And even though every place he touched started to tingle, heightening every sensation and I knew for sure he would never do anything I didn’t want it was hard to push down the unease that I started to feel in my lower belly.  

The strange feeling from this morning, the stressful conversation with my parents and the memories they revived plus the lack of a substance that managed to get the edge off my feelings wreaked havoc inside my head and I suddenly felt way too exposed, too vulnerable.

Instead of feeling aroused I felt my anxiety skyrocketing until it got harder to breathe.

 

before Dante could reach my bra like he intended to I hopped off him, trying to reassure that everything was alright with a peck when he looked caught off guard. Signaling that I needed only a moment, I rushed into the kitchen fetching the wine bottle from the table before hurrying over to the drawers. Trying to be quiet I pulled one open skimming through it on search for a corkscrew. But I didn’t find anything except for cutlery.

Cursing myself for being so stupid I pulled the next one open, still having no luck.

 

A throat being cleared made me spin around as fast as I could and I guiltily looked up to Dante, who leaned against the doorframe arms crossed over his bare chest, face expressionless. We stared at each other for a moment and I could practically see the wheels in his head turning before he pushed himself away, strolling over to me.

He pulled a whole different drawer open, grabbing something and holding it up.

 

“Is that what you were searching for?” When I nodded reluctantly, his mouth pulled into a sarcastic grin and he grabbed the bottle, opening it without difficulties. Placing the open bottle on the counter Dante braced him against it keeping his backside to me. The only thing I could do was watch his back fall and rise with each breath before he shook his head, chuckling slightly.

“Tell me Lexi do you really have to be drunk to be able to sleep with me? Is there no other way for you to endure it?”

 

Hearing the vulnerability and hurt in his voice even though he tried to mask it I felt awful. Like the person I am.

It wasn’t because of him that I wanted to drink. If anything at all his touch usually calmed me down even if I was in distress. It was never something to _endure_. It made me feel joyful, maybe even happy but the most important thing _it made me feel alive._

When I was with him the worries, the memories, everything faded away and I was just me.

_Just Lexi._

The girl who is able to let the boy she likes touch her without being hammered.

 

But not today.

Today it had been anxiety causing and I had known with a little alcohol it would go away. It didn’t even have to be much, no, only enough to convince my mind that it was okay for someone to touch us.

To worship our body like no one has ever done before

Not the countless one night stands I had met in a bar, not Freddy and certainly not the factionless scum.

Closing my eyes, I cursed my own stupidity, the fact that I was so weak that I had to be gone to be able to sleep with the man I…

No.

Not even going there.

Never.

 

Not wanting Dante to feel miserable because of me I took a reluctant step forward placing my hands on his back in a comforting gesture. But before I could slide them to his front, hugging him like I had intended to he had moved away, leaving me standing alone in his barely lit kitchen.

My arms fell to my sides, motionless I watched as Dante further distanced himself from me my heart breaking more with every step he took.

 

Reaching the door leading to his bedroom where we had lost ourselves not even 10 minutes away Dante stopped, turning his head to the side but didn’t look at me, his voice emotionless when he finally spoke after what felt like an eternity.

“It´s late and you have training tomorrow. You should go back to the dorms and catch some sleep. Goodnight Lexi.”

 

With that he was through the door, letting it fall shut behind him. The sound echoed through the room, finality reverberating into my soul where the hollow sound replayed over and over again. Still shocked I stared at the door for several minutes, not believing I had been so incredibly stupid and he so incredibly heartless.

 

Feeling the ache in my chest getting stronger with each second I slowly blinked, regaining the control over my body. When I finally realized Dante had basically thrown me out of his flat and wasn’t coming back I grabbed the bottle with numb fingers, taking my first swing.

 

My feet dragged across the floor, still covered in boots head lowered as I slowly bowed down fetching my jacket before I opened the front door which took me several attempts.

With one last look behind me, making sure he really wasn’t coming back I left the flat, softly closing the door behind me.

 

Looking at my phone I saw that it was half-past twelve, curfew had been an hour ago. Wandering aimlessly, I had no idea where I was going, but I knew I wouldn’t go to the dorms. I wouldn’t lay down in my scrawny cot, tossing and turning all night thinking about how I screwed everything up before falling asleep for an hour to wake up drenched in sweat because of another nightmare, possibly exposing my weakness to all of the dauntless born.

No, I sure as hell wouldn’t go to the dorms.

 

Realizing I still held the bottle in my hand I slowly raised it, scrutinizing it closely before leading the opening to my lips tilting it, swallowing as much as I could.

 

Yeah, it´s going to be one hell of a night.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the depressing ending but Dante is only human & he has a problem with Lexi drinking.. I hope you like it! I´ll try to write the next Eric FbB chapter soon! :)
> 
> Thanks for reading & reviewing! :)


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

***not edited***

**I was sitting in the dark** , abandoned training room arms slung around my legs as I waited for time to pass by. It was a little after 5 am the sun not rising yet and the floor was cold. Still, I was content just sitting here thinking about everything and nothing.

 

In hindsight I knew I should have stopped him, declining when he asked if I was ready but I honestly thought I was, his touch setting my whole being on fire. I should have shaken my head, decreased our kisses until they were only pecks before snuggling into his chest falling asleep in his arms.

Instead, I had tried to take the cowardly way out and had to spend the night alone, curled into a ball as I laid on the net, staring through the hole in the ceiling, thinking about my choosing day and everything that lead me to be here.

 

The half empty wine bottle had been discarded, smashed somewhere in an abandoned hallway as I walked towards the cavern where the net was situated when even the thought of taking another swing made me nauseous, the slight buzz that usually was welcomed with open arms now only making me repugnant.

Lying there in the cold I had dozed off more than once but woke with a start only a few minutes later. Like that the night seemed to last an eternity, every second painful slow and when I finally had enough of my thoughts, trying to heave myself out of the net my stiff limbs failed me, sending me to the floor.

I landed painfully, groaning I rolled around pushing myself up, limping towards the training room, not meeting a single soul.

 

That´s how I ended up here, sitting on the floor for hours not even bothering to change into other clothes. If I didn't sleep I didn't have to go to the dorms which I appreciated. I just had to get through those two days before we´d have Sunday off again.

 

Not even the door opening a few minutes later could faze me much in the state I was in. Still, I watched impassively how a tall figure slowly stepped in seemingly searching for something. What I assumed was his head stopped moving when he spotted me, pushing the door wide open illuminating the training room.

I couldn’t see his face but I knew who he was.

 

I had no idea what he was doing here and I didn’t want to. Seeing him here after he threw me out hurt even though I had thought that the night had made me numb enough to face him in training where many other initiates would surround me.

But here we were again, alone.

 

Laying my head on my knees that I had pulled against my abdomen I listened to the sounds of his hurried steps reverberating through the empty room as he made his way towards me. Closing my eyes, I wished myself far away.

Dante´s sheer presence was a reminder of how fucked up I really was and I didn’t need him to tell me how bad of a person I was, I already knew that.

 

"Lexi, for fuck's sake! I told you to go to the dorms not wander around in the halls at night!"

 

His harsh voice didn’t cause an outward reaction, I only closed my eyes knowing I had fucked up again not raising my head. I don’t think I´d survive him looking at me like dad always did. With such despair and disappointment.

 

“Lexi?” His rough voice was hesitant, now closer than before and I shook my head, silently pleading with him to just leave me here. But Dante, of course, ignored me, gently trying to peel my wrists away from my legs. “Did something happen? You´re cold.”

 

When I didn’t react, not really capable of doing so, he grabbed my upper arms to pull me upright. Feeling him so close to me send my body into a frenzy and before either of us really process what happened I had slung my arms around his upper body with such force that we both toppled to the floor.

Dante landed with a thudding sound, grunting when he met the hard floor while I was still clinging to him not bothering about how desperate I appeared to be.

“God, Lexi!” Dante awkwardly patted my back, not knowing what to think of the sudden affection, tangling his fingers in my hair. “Did something happen?”

 

Shaking my head against his chest, I felt him let out a relieved breath but when he made a move to remove my arms from him I tightened my grip almost keeping him in a chokehold, silently pleading for him not to leave me.

“Alright, I won´t go but could you at least let me get up?”

 

When I didn’t move one bit, Dante sighed heavily somehow wiggling his arm under my grip so that I instead clung to his neck with one arm as he shifted my stiff body, pulling me onto his lap.

Scooting back against the wall, he tried to somehow make it comfortable for both of us. Burying my head in the crook of his neck, I had to let go of him. Placing my right hand in the middle of his chest I inhaled deeply, relaxing when his smell enveloped me.

 

I knew he was mulling over something because he was still a little tense beneath me. Laying his head against mine, one of Dante´s hands was lightly playing with my hair, the other now wandering towards mine.

Bending forwards a little, he suddenly grabbed it pulling it to him with my palm turned up, closely observing the dried blood around the cut, huffing in irritation.

“What did you do this time.”

 

Chuckling tiredly, I thought about the shards of the bottle I had cut myself on after attempting to pick them up again. Meeting Dante´s gaze with bloodshot eyes for the first time since he came in I detected disapproval and sorrow.

Pulling my hand from his, I laid it back onto his chest, snuggling deeper into the warmth of his body.

 

The last thing I felt before drifting away was his hand on my cheek, his thumb rubbing circles while he told me to go to sleep.

.

.

.

“Lexi.”

A persisting shaking roused me out of my slumber and I lazily opened my eyes, blinking a few times before I realized where I was and who I was with. As the memories came rushing back, I hurriedly tried to untangle my legs from where I had slung them around Dante unconsciously, blushing like mad.

After finally managing from getting a few feet between us, I looked up, meeting his eyes. Dante was biting his lip and I couldn’t tell if he was still mad or amused by my sudden shyness. Rubbing his face, he rolled his neck stretching a little before getting up.

 

Offering me a hand, Dante pulled me up but when I almost stumbled into him he caught me by the shoulders, keeping me from barreling into his chest.

"You have 25 minutes to change and get something to eat. And believe me, I´ll know when you don´t.”

 

My eyes widened a little at his strict tone but I managed to nod, brushing my tangled hair away from my face before turning around almost running out of the room while Dante stayed behind with crossed arms, watching me leave.

.

.

.

Stepping into the dorms, I arrived just at the time where everyone was getting ready for the day. Dauntless-born in various stages of undressing eyed me warily as I hurried through them towards my bunk.

Ivy was just pulling on a shirt while Avery put lotion on the black eye as a result of yesterday's fight. Both watched with raised eyebrows how I unlocked my trunk, grabbing fresh clothes.

 

“You look like hell.” Ivy quipped up, pointing out the obvious.

"I hope the guy was worth spending the night!" Winking and looking absolutely ridiculous with one eye almost closed shut Avery laughed at my expense, her best friend joining in.

Rolling my eyes good-natured I changed, stuffing the old clothes into the laundry bag taking out my toothbrush.

 

“Well, we already knew she was a slut so no wonder there.”

Rolling my neck, annoyed that the little bitch hadn’t learned her lesson yesterday I slowly turned around looking directly into Cat´s eyes. She stood there, the epitome of confidence hands stemmed on her hips as she eyed me up, anger clear on her face.

 

But before I could take a step towards her Owen stepped in front of me, also stopping Ivy who had already raised her fist. “Just leave, Cat.”

 

“Why should she? Cat´s right." Marc came to a halt beside her, tilting his head to look at me over Owens' shoulder. "I´m just asking myself why she gave it up to all of the older guys but not to us."

 

“Maybe because you´re disgusting pigs a girl wouldn’t like to touch with pincers?” Avery´s response reeked of sarcasm, my lips pulling up into a smirk when I saw Marc narrowing his eyes. When he took a step forward Owen moved like a mirror, shielding us and functioned as a barrier that hindered them from coming too close at the same time.

The tension was palpable in the small dorm room and I already mentally prepared myself to defend us when Marc stepped down, muttering that it wasn’t worth it before gesturing to his minions to follow him outside.

 

The four of us stayed back and I slowly let the tension leave my body, snorting when Ivy angrily started to mutter.

“I swear to you, another one of this comments and I´m going to show him where he can shove his dick! And it won’t be pleasant for him!”

 

“Come on.” Owen grabbed her, laying his arm around her shoulder. He tried the same with me but I pulled away, shooting him an apologetic look in which he only smiled in return, instead taking Avery who begrudgingly muttered something about 3rd choice.

.

.

.

After grabbing a muffin and a bottle of water in the mess hall we hurried to the pit where we would meet today with not one minute to spare. Lining up in front of the climbing wall we did our best to stay away from the others who constantly shot us dirty looks.

 

Dante stood in front of us, Theo and Maggs by his side all seemingly confused by the separation of our two groups. I´d already guessed why we were here, really it was obvious, but Maggs presence puzzled me. She was a few years older than dad, still the only female leader and the only person in the compound that could fathom what really happened to me even though her captivity had lasted three days and not three months.

Maggs understood.

 

Theo stepped forward, his brow furrowed and voice full of authority as he finally questioned our strange behavior. “What is going on here?”

When no one spoke up, he barked at us, his gaze almost murderous. “Someone clear this up, _now!_ ”

 

“Just a little dispute, sir.” Owen stepped forward, drawing all eyes to himself.

 

“Really? And what was this little _dispute_ about?”

 

“Sir,” When Cat spoke up, voice sickly sweet I took a deep breath to keep myself from strangling her. “We were just asking ourselves why Lexi didn’t spend the night in the dorms. We are all really worried about her.”

 

When everyone turned towards me, I tried to conceal my gritted jaw with a sarcastic smile meeting Theo´s gaze head on when he narrowed his eyes at me.

 

“Just because Lexi likes to get an early training in, to make it into this faction unlike _others_ who are only worried about how much make-up they need so they´re after training not revealed as the ugly ducklings they really are, is it none of your business and nothing to be jealous about.”

 

Letting out a silent breath in relief I linked my hands with Ivy´s, squeezing to show her how thankful I really was. Even though Theo, of course, knew about my insomnia he´d have my head on a platter if he´d ever find out about me and Dante.

If there would even be an us was doubtful at the moment…

 

“I can’t tell you how disappointed I am in all of you!” Theo shook his head in disbelief, his gaze flicking over the rows of initiates in front of him. “I am well aware that it´s normal to have problems with the transfers because they have to get used to our way of life, but you are dauntless born! You should stick together, fight together! When you are out there fighting the factionless you will have to trust each other _with your life_!”

 

“How are we supposed to trust each other when one of us already killed someone of our ones!”

 

Everything around me froze, my gaze unfocused as a wry smile pulled my lips up. Raising my head, I looked at Cat who´s eyes were blazing with hate but before I could break out of my stupor, most likely _killing her_ Cat was pushed forwards by a furious Maggs who slammed her against the climbing wall.

“What makes you think you can say that about one of our members who has been through more than you can even _imagine_ , child?!” Letting go of her Maggs turned towards us, glaring at everyone, her gaze softened slightly when she met my unyielding one, not bothering with the spluttering girl to her feet.

“The boy´s died because of factionless scum not because any of us made a mistake. They have signed their own death sentence the moment they touched one of our children. So don’t worry, they will be brought to justice.”

 

That´s what Maggs believed but I knew better.

 

“You´re all aware that we have once again stoked up the patrol numbers, which means you all will be going in the next few days to get the hang of it. After all, most of you will end up there” Everyone around me began to murmur in response to Theo’s announcement, while I looked at him sharply. If they were increasing numbers, there must have been a lead.

Maybe my instinct hadn’t fooled me yesterday.

 

“If you all shut up we can tell you why you´re here before training ends.” Maggs snarled and everyone obeyed instantly still intimidated by her display of strength. “Great. The factionless know their territory like the back of their hand so all of you have a disadvantage.

The easiest way to get yourself captured is underestimating them so if you´re ever in the situation that you´re cornered without back-up there is only one way to save your ass.”

 

I had to smile when old memories came back, Maggs talking to me a few days after I came back from amity encouraging me to fight the all-consuming fear by training to make sure it would never happen again. For that, I was eternally grateful.

 

“You climb.”

 

“Seriously?” Riley spoke up, his expression dubious. “How is that supposed to save us?”

 

“Easy. You haul your sorry ass out of there.”

 

“That´s running. It´s cowardly.” Marc piped in, looking as if he´d never even consider it which I knew was a lie. Every single one of them would run, myself included.

The only person that would have stayed to fight had to pay the price for his bravery.

With his life.

 

 

“It´s called surviving. If you ever find yourself being tortured in one of their warehouses we´ll talk again about what is cowardly.” She dismissed him curtly, cutting the unnecessary discussion short by gesturing me to her. “Come here, Alexis.”

 

Grimacing at the use of my full name I complied, pushing past Owen my gaze fell onto Dante who had been quiet the whole time. His expression was thoughtful, almost brooding while my brother was simply confused.

 

"Because you all pissed me off that much you´ll climb without safety rope because frankly, I don't give a shit if you break a leg or not."

Biting my lip, I tried to keep myself from laughing at Maggs attitude, looking up the almost 35 feet of the climbing wall it was obvious she had just condemned most of the dauntless born to an unpleasant injury.

 

Stretching my fingers, I tried to find the perfect path to the top like I would do with a building but as I stepped up after discarding my boots a large hand curled around my upper arm keeping me down.

"Are you insane?! Without safety, they´re going to fall to their deaths!" Theo hissed, careful that only Maggs could hear him. "And why Lexi? She can't even climb!"

 

Snorting, I ripped myself out of his grasp shooting him a look to leave me be before stepping up to the wall, effortlessly starting to climb. After having engraved the way up into my skull I found it way easier to climb the wall than buildings, the climbing holds giving more leverage than a rain gutter.

I was already halfway up when I came to a halt, having to go vertically a few inches to be able to reach the next grip.

 

“That´s high enough! Come down again.” Realizing it was Dante who had called after I was almost 25 feet up the wall I stopped, looking down at them. Carefully to not fall, I turned my abdomen before pushing myself away with my legs with hopefully enough force.

Starting to fall, I wrapped one of the ropes that were hanging from the roof around my hand after a few second coming to a sudden halt 20 feet above the floor.

 

Careful not to burn myself I made my way down, jumping when it ended a little less than 10 feet away from the floor. Straightening up I swayed my gaze over the people surrounding me, all of them except for Maggs wearing a surprised expression.

Theo´s mouth was literally open in shock.

“How the hell did you learn to climb like that?!”

Shrugging my shoulders, I pulled my boots back on, listening how Maggs told the other´s to start climbing when someone placed his hand on my back.

Glancing up I was met with Dante who kind of looked… proud?

“Well done, Lexi.”

With that he was gone again, leaving me to stare after him as he walked over to instruct his initiates.

.

.

.

 

The rest of the day was rather undemanding, the afternoon consisting of strength and cardio training and before I knew it, it was already time for dinner and Dante was dismissing us.

 

“Lexi? Can you help me with the mats for a sec?” When he called me back, completely in instructor mode my nerves started to flutter knowing that couldn’t mean anything good. Because I couldn’t simply ignore the orders of my instructor in front of the others I gestured for the threesome to go ahead reluctantly staying behind in the abandoned training room.

 

Turning around after we were alone, I faced Dante who was standing there waiting for me to grab the other side of the mat to carry them into the backroom.

He was quiet while we put them away, his expression thoughtful.

When we had the last one stored away he turned to me.

 

“Lexi…” Dante started, running a hand through his hair, making the butterflies in my guts go mad. And not the good ones.

“I know I´ve been harsh yesterday and I understand that you don’t like anyone touching you, not after everything you´ve been through. I just don’t think it´s good for you to force yourself into situations like that until you´re ready because you clearly don’t know your limits. Maybe we should wait with whatever we have until you are content with me touching you or at least until initiation is over…”

 

Staring at him with wide-eyes it took me a moment to process everything he said and it clicked I frantically started to shake my head, my whole body surging with nervous energy my fight-or-flight instinct kicking in. I would fight.

“Lexi, listen…”

 

But I didn’t let him finish. With two strides I in front of him, grabbing his hands. Guiding one of them towards my chest I laid it directly over my heart, showing him how fast it was beating while I snuggled my cheek against his other one, reveling in the feeling of his skin on mine.

Sensing the struggle, Dante was going through, debating with himself about how to handle the situation I didn’t give him time to decide, persuading him further by pressing my body against his.

“Please, don´t…”

 

Grabbing his neck, I pulled his face closer his lips hovering above mine not quite touching yet, our breaths mingling. One of his arms slowly slung itself around my waist, Dante unconsciously pulling me closer.

On my tip toes, I was waiting for him to make the decision to stay or to leave, hoping, _praying_ he wouldn’t outright reject me all alone in this small room.

“I don’t think you´re ready…” Dante´s voice was shaky and I opened my eyes, sensing how the resolve crumbled when he realized I was completely calm. Wholly content, knowing exactly what I wanted.

 

 ***smut warning** *

 

“Lexi…” His voice was only a sigh and I had my answer. Looking deep into his beautiful brown eyes, our mouths met and that was the moment everything ignited as if someone lit us on fire.

 

My fingers tugging harshly on his hair, his hands on my butt, lifting me up as I jumped into his arms, wrapping my legs around his hip. This time it was my t-shirt that was off first, his following suit. Dante´s roaming hand soon found their way beneath my bra, massaging the hot flesh. Moaning in delight, I tilted my head back which he immediately took advantage of, suckling and nibbling along the sensitive skin on my neck making me jump when he lightly bit down.

Right now I didn’t give a damn about any marks he may leave, my head dizzy with the pleasure I was receiving, hips rocking against his.

Feeling the growing bulge, I applied more pressure, pushing my pelvis against his eliciting a throaty groan from Dante who was nipping my earlobe. I tried pushing him away, giggling at the strange sensations as he tried to tickle me.

Dante stopped for a moment, looking deep into my eyes and like me he must have felt the pull between us our lips meeting once again, teeth clashing as our tongues fought for dominance.

 

How he managed to get my pants off, even though I was wearing boots and without falling was a mystery to me. But suddenly I was only dressed in my underwear, Dante still wearing pants and shoes.

Kissing him as if my life depended on it I almost didn’t notice the cold wall against my back or the sound of an unbuckling belt because one of his hands was always roaming my body, his lips on mine making any conscious thought disappear.

 

What I noticed was the way Dante destroyed my panties, ripping them away from my body before pulling the less than sexy sports bra over my head, throwing it somewhere behind him. Shivering from the cold I pressed my naked body against his hot, hard one reveling about how my taut, sensitive nubs brushed along his smooth skin, pushing his pants down with my foot, where they pooled around his knees, gasping breathlessly against his mouth as he rubbed against me.

 

Dante hesitated for a moment, one arm under my leg, the other one raising my head, looking deep into my eyes. But this time he wouldn’t find any hesitation, any kind of panic.

This is what I wanted with all my being.

It was truly nothing to endure.

My whole body feeling like I was on fire, tingles everywhere he touched me, his breath leaving me dizzy from desire.

Dante was the only man I wanted.

The only one I wanted to touch me.

The only one that could take my pain away.

To one to make me alive again.

The one.

 

With one thrust he was inside me and I arched my back, feeling so full.

So complete.

Halting for a moment, Dante searched for any kind of discomfort but was only faced with pure and utterly pleasure. Rocking my hips, I told him to go on, to make me feel like no one ever had.

And he did.

 

Thrust for thrust, Dante pushed himself up inside me taking us higher with each and every single one, his hand now around my neck keeping head up giving his unlimited access to my mouth, my back hitting the wall. Alternating between deep kisses and just letting his lips hover above mine Dante drove me crazy as I tried to kiss him but he pulled back, smirking at the power he held over me.

Not knowing if I was trying to escape the pleasure or get him to go even faster I wreathed against the wall, fingers raking over his back where my nails left their traces, marking him as mine.

 

When Dante´s hips move even faster, relentlessly pumping into me with an almost punishing pace he managed to hit a place deep inside of me no one ever had and I burst, seeing stars for a moment, a universe on its one.

Something hot, white exploded inside me, tingles racing up my spine, mouth opened into a silent moan. Even if I wanted, I couldn’t have made a sound as my grip tightened, nails burying themselves in his shoulders as I arched my back, taut like a bow.

Feeling the muscles around his shaft convulse, squeezing almost painfully Dante came, joining me in my climax grunting as he bit down on my shoulder spilling himself deep inside me.

The pain in my shoulder made my hips jerk, both of us groaning at the sensitivity, my whole body shaking with tremors as I somehow tried to hold onto him.

Hold him to me.

 

Leaning his head against my shoulder, Dante tried catching his breath both of our chests rising and falling in sync with one another as we lost ourselves in each other´s eyes.

Biting my lips, I tilted my head, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth smiling like an idiot.

“Lexi, I…”

 

But the opening of the door in the training room made me cover his mouth before he could expose us to whoever had just stepped in. Straining my ears, I tried to understand what the person was saying which wasn’t so easy through the ajar door leading to the back room where we were currently in.

 

“You said Dante would most likely still be here.” A deep voice resonated through the room, undoubtedly belonging to a man, sounding strangely familiar.

 

“Yeah, normally he is. He must have gone to dinner already or something like that.”

 

My eyes widened when I recognized the voices of the last two people I wanted to find me like that, my brother and my cousin. Dante mirrored my shocked expression, pushing me even further into the wall which wasn't the best thing to do because he was still inside me, both of us groaning.

 

“Did you hear something?” Ben´s voice was muffled but still understandable and my heart skipped a beat, terrified that they would find us in such a compromising position.

 

“Nah, come on. Tess is waiting for me in my flat, ready to take the Teddynator.” Letting my head fall against Dante, I had to bite his shoulder to prevent me from laughing out loud and I could feel him shaking silently under me struggling as well.

 

"Dude, stop calling your cock Teddynator! That´s sound like an advertisement for a pedophile!" Ben yelled, mocking him with his most girlish voice. " _Do you want to see a real Teddynator?_ ”

With that, we heard the door slamming shut signaling that they had left.

 

Just in time.

Losing my composure, a loud giggle escaped my mouth soon joined by Dante´s deep laughter. Leaning my head against his I let all the tension from the past few days leave my body as I savored the feeling of skin contact, something I didn’t know I craved until now.

“Damn that was close…”

 

Nodding my head in agreement I lovingly pressed a kiss to his shoulder, sighing when he slowly slid out of me, my legs still wobbly as he put me back on my own feet.

 

With a peck Dante picked up our clothes, throwing mine at me before he dressed. Following his lead, I pulled my pants back on, scowling because he had ripped my panties.

I saw, how Dante retrieved said undergarment, stuffing it into his pant pocket with a wink.

 

“You know we are going to talk about his?” Raising his eyebrow, I nodded submissively closing my eyes in content as he pressed a kiss to my forehead, his hand tangled in my hair. “Good.”

 

With that he pushed me out of the door, shutting off the light behind him before he walked to my side his hand sliding into mine, fingers intertwining.

“Let´s get something to eat.”

  
We left the training room side by side, hand in hand, hearts beating in sync.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am literally falling asleep writing so if you notice any strange wordings just ignore them :D I was a little surprised by all the reviews saying Dante did the right thing throwing her out even though it really was the right thing. I hope you don’t think it´s too soon for them to reconcile like that but what is hotter than desperate please-don´t-leave-me smut? :D
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading & reviewing! :)


	14. chapter 13

**„Come on, Lexi!** Just these two!” Avery whined, shoving two shot glasses into my face. I gave her a stern look, already having declined for three times but she was relentlessly in her tries.

 

“Lexi.” Ivy came from behind, slinging her arm over my shoulder. “You made second place this week. You simply have to drink two shots. It´s tradition!” Rolling my eyes at their obnoxious behavior I looked across the room, meeting Dante´s amused gaze. He was watching me, not paying attention to his friend who was talking to him, occasionally sipping on his beer. The first few buttons of his shirt undone you could just see the outline of his hard chest, taunting me with images of the night before and I couldn’t wait to repeat that specific experience.

After leaving the training room he had taken me to his flat, continuing where we´d stopped inside the shower before falling into bed, dreamless sleep overtaking me immediately wrapped in his arms.

 

I only threw him an exasperated look. Sighing deeply, I picked up the glass downing the two in rapid succession. Grimacing at the burn I gestured for the bartender to hand me a beer, knowing they all would leave me be as long as I had a drink in my hand.

Ivy and Avery cheered loudly, throwing their arms into the air as they danced around looking a lot like little monkeys, the shots they downed already taking effect.

 

It was one of those stupid dauntless traditions that we had to drink the number of shots that we had achieved in rankings and that every single week.

They had been announced today and after two weeks of initiation, I made second place, not having lost any fights while simultaneously being a good shooter and great climber. Only Marc had been better, his opponents more skilled and therefore harder to defeat.

Not that I cared, it was still the beginning and I would get him somehow.

Ivy made fifth, Avery eighth and Owen came in right behind me.

Why everyone made such a huge fuss about the rankings so early in initiation I had no idea, but everyone had insisted we´d go celebrating.

Even my lovely instructor.

 

So here I was, wearing a too tight dress and too high heels not even wanting to get drunk since then Dante would refuse to touch later.

And I had plans.

Nude plans.

 

Putting them to action, I grabbed the wrists of both giggling girls dragging them onto the stuffed dancefloor, where I let go. Starting to sway my hips to the beat I turned my head, once again catching Dante´s gaze, his eyes visibly darker as he tightly gripped the neck of his bottle.

Laughing at his expression, I faced Avery who was crouched down, not worried about flashing the guys around her as she started to twerk. Or at least that´s what she tried to do.

 

Shaking my head at her terrible dance skills, I lifted my hair up, reveling in the feeling of air meeting my overheated skin as I moved to the beat. Letting the strands flow through my fingers I closed my eyes, losing myself in the music.

That was until two rough hands sneaked around my waist, pulling my back into a broad chest. Opening my eyes my gaze was instantly drawn to brown ones that didn’t look overly happy.

Biting my lip, I thought about teasing him a little but I took mercy on his poor soul, trying to suppress my grin as I skillfully wormed my way out of the arms of a strange dauntless, throwing him a little wink before disappearing into the crowd.

 

In less than a minute I had wormed my way through the throngs of dauntless and was outside the club, taking a deep breath of the fresh cool air as I slowly walked towards the entrance of a hallway, my hand trailing over the cold stone. It was dark, only the solar-powered lamps illuminating my way, my heels clacking loudly on the floor.

 

Not hearing the hurried steps following me, the hard body that collided with mine before I was pushed up against the wall startled me even though I had anticipated it.

Longed for it.

Running my hands through his hair I smirked at Dante, wrapping my legs around his waist.

“You´re such a little tease.”

 

Tilting my head, I quickly pressed my lips to his before pulling back again, proving him right. Groaning, Dante followed my movements, his lips glued to mine but he stopped short, his gaze drilling into mine.

“How many drinks have you had?”

 

Rolling my eyes in a playful manner I pressed two fingers into his cheek while scrunching up my face, pulling a grimace at him. The shots I took unwillingly may have loosened me up a little but I had no problem with his touch. Sober or not, I always craved it.

Dante raised one eyebrow, contemplating if I really wasn´t drunk.

Swiftly capturing my hand, he led it to his mouth nibbling on the tip of my finger. The gentle movement sent tingles right into my core and I moaned, pressing harder against him, my lace panties creating delicious friction against his black jeans.

In return Dante tightened his grip on my thigh, his fingers digging into my flesh as he pushed me higher up the wall, our breathing speeding up.

 

What is was about this position I had no idea, but like he did last night it didn’t take Dante long to free his shaft and thrust into me, my underwear merely pushed aside his pants still sitting on the curve of his waist as he united us once again.

Moaning in delight, I pulled his mouth towards mine kissing him passionately, his tongue worming its way between my lips as Dante stilled, waiting for me to adjust to his length.

 

Only when I started to suck his tongue into my mouth did he move, his hips gyrating in circles as he pushed deeper until he bottomed out and I thought I couldn’t stand it anymore. Clenching my knees around his waist I tried to push myself up and away from him, eliciting a throaty groan while my dress rode up all the way to my hips.

After only a few times repeating the movement that created so much friction inside me, I felt the burn in my thighs, not used to the strenuous position I was in. So, I urged him on, my knees shaking with the exertion as Dante only laughed at me, his breathless chuckles swallowed by my greedy mouth.

 

And then, he finally started moving, the same way as the day before. Slowly at first but gradually speeding up until each hard thrust pushed me up further before he pulled me down again, each and every shove heightening the sensations that surged through me until I was clinging to his back, my fingernails digging into his skin.

 

As Dante started hitting that special spot inside me only he seemed to find I tilted my head back moaning in delight, not able to stifle the noises that left my throat. My exposed neck gave him the perfect opportunity to launch back onto the hickey he´d left, the sucking sensation on the sensible skin almost painful.

 

Letting myself fall forward I embraced him, threading my fingers into his hair to pull him closer. Dante´s face was buried in my neck, his ragged breath loud in my ear as my lips closed around his earlobe, my teeth grazing it not-so-gently.

His bucking hips beneath me caused me to spiral out of control, the loud moan resonating through the empty hallway as I was shattered once again with the smallest of his movements. Thrusting again once, twice Dante came but I quickly stifled the noises he made with my mouth, swallowing his moans as I heard steps coming our way.

 

We both froze in our compromising position, my head laying against his chest. My hair acted as a curtain, luckily hiding my glowing face as Dante frantically tried to pull my dress back down to at least maintain a fraction of my dignity.

The voices grew louder and when the clearly intoxicated members coming down the hallway spotted us, my legs still slung around his waist, they started laughing.

 

“Yo man, why don´t ya two lovelies get a room!" One of them shouted while the other´s hollered in agreement, congratulating Dante that he´d been able to get it on in a hallway. I only shook my head against his chest, embarrassed that we´d been caught while still being thankful it had been no one we knew.

That wouldn’t go over well with dad…

 

Dante waited until they were gone before raising my chin with his finger. Brushing the hair out of my face he beamed at me with a mischievous expression before he captured my lips in a passionate kiss.

Breathless he pulled back, still grinning like a Cheshire cat.

 

“I just love fucking you against walls.”

* * *

 

It was Wednesday and we had the afternoon off, Dante and Theo being both needed in some sort of meeting to talk about the progress we made and what they could improve.

But I was glad.

My fight the day before hadn´t been easy, Alex being a skilled opponent who had the speed as well as the force to land quick, powerful punches in rapid succession wherever he wanted to.

And man, did I feel those.

 

My whole left side was a mixture of purple and yellow, where three of his combo punches had hit me full force the second I got distracted by Kitty walking up to Dante.

She had shamelessly flirted with him, twirling the hair around her finger like the little slut she was.

 

But in the end, even after the distraction, I had been able to subdue Alex by placing a high kick right to his temple, knocking him unconscious immediately, shooting Dante a dirty look as I walked down the mats.

The little shithead didn’t even have the decency to hide his grin, my display of jealousy obviously amusing him profoundly.

I would have hit him right then and there but firstly I didn’t want to draw too much attention to the both of us and secondly, my ribs were killing me.

Even today after a dose of healing serum I had snitched from dad´s secret stash, not in the mood to deal with the infirmary staff and their pointless questions it hurt breathing.

 

I was just leisurely walking through the pit towards Dante´s flat after spending my free afternoon in an alcove close to the chasm reveling in the solitude it offered while doodling around in my notebook.

The alone time I enjoined, that had been denied to me over the course of the first initiation weeks had lifted my spirits and now that I was meeting Dante at his´ to watch a movie, there almost was a skip in my step, my lips nearly curled up into an annoying smile.

If it was his sheer presence or the amount of orgasms I had since last Friday I had no idea but I felt something I hadn’t in a long time.

Something I was almost tempted to call happiness.

 

Lost in my thoughts, I came to an abrupt halt when I heard someone call my name. Turning my head I was faced by an alarmed looking Tris that had Sam in her arms, hurrying towards me. Taking a few hesitant steps forwards, I almost didn’t want to know what had her so flustered.

 

“Thank god, Lexi that I found you! I have to go to the control room. It´s kind of an emergency.” She handed me an overly joyous Sam along with an overnight bag, before turning to hurry away. But I grabbed her arm, pulling her back.

Seeing my inquiring expression, Tris sighed, turning towards me so no one else would be able to hear her. “They think they finally found a lead.”

 

My eyes widened as I stared at her. The factionless that had abducted me and Sam had disappeared from the face of the earth after, not leaving one single trace behind in the four years the whole city was searching for them.

If the guys from the control room really found something it must be big.

 

Tris threw me a meaningful look before bending down, pressing a kiss to little Sam´s head and mine she hurried away leaving me with a date and a toddler.

Oh well, Dante could go one night without getting laid.

* * *

 

Knocking on the door while simultaneously holding up a child that didn’t want to be up and handling a heavy bag wasn’t easy at all, but I managed without dropping either of them. With difficulties, but I managed.

Luckily it didn’t take Dante long to open the door.

Unluckily he was as good as naked.

 

Staring at him with wide eyes I quickly covered Sam´s with my hand while he hastily pulled the towel back up that had slipped dangerously low, already exposing most of his pelvis. Dante held the door open with one hand while securing the towel with his other and I just shot him a dirty look.

Brushing past him, I hurried inside the flat not wanting anyone to see me standing in front of my instructors flat while he was naked.

It could give them the wrong expression.

Or worse, the right one.

 

“One minute. I´m just going to get… ahm… dressed.”  Dante pointed at his towel, before practically running into his bedroom, his cheeks turning into an adorable shade of pink.

Sniggering at his humiliation I set Sam down on the couch, starting the TV. Rummaging through the bag while nodding along to everything my little ankle biter said,  I soon found what I was searching for.

Pulling out the DVD-case I held it victoriously into the air just in time with Dante coming out of the bedroom.

Seeing it, he let out a deep groan. “We´re not watching a princess movie, are we?!”

 

“No, stupid!” Sam chirped up from the couch, frowning at him. “We´re watching the King.”

 

I bit my lip to refrain myself from laughing out loud at Dante´s shocked expression because he had just been insulted by a little girl. Shaking my head incredulous, I tried to look stern towards Sam, who started pouting at me.

Watching her for a few seconds I simply turned, walking towards the kitchen where Dante was standing against the island, wearing sweatpants and a loose shirt, I leaned against him.

Slinging an arm around my waist in return, Dante sighed before bending down, giving me a quick kiss.

 

I didn’t want Sam to witness this, simply because I knew exactly how much she liked to talk so I drew back soon, shooting him an apologetic look.

“You could have at least told me you were bringing someone.”

 

Shrugging my shoulders at him I grabbed the popcorn, stuffing it into the microwave that I tried to figure out. Waiting for it to finish I turned back to find a tired-looking Dante and I urged him to tell me what was wrong.

 

"Nothing." He assured me with a small smile, grabbing my hand he played with my fingers. "Just long ass boring meetings and now I´m going to unwind with a child's movie." Seeing my raised eyebrow, he laughed, pulling me into his arms. "As long as you´re here I´m fine with whatever we do. But a little stress relief would have been great if you know what I mean."

 

Dante winked at me, letting me know he was joking but it was already too late. If he wanted that kind of fun he could have it.

Grabbing his already half-hard length through his pants, I slowly started massaging him, moving my hand up and down while applying pressure.

He froze in shock not having expected it, mouth hanging open as he let out a low, throaty groan pressing further into my hand. Biting my lip, I watched him, not being able to prevent the smirk that was creeping onto my face at seeing him in such bliss.

 

Always being cautious Sam wasn’t seeing any of us getting handsy, I continued until the microwaved beeped, signaling the popcorn was done.

Pressing a kiss to the point where his jaw met his neck, I let go of Dante before I walked over to the sink where I quickly washed my hands. Grabbing the popcorn, I hurried over to the couch, flogging down beside Sam.

Dante stayed back in the kitchen, still too dazed by his pleasure to realize what I had done. But when he did and his face fell, his expression more than just incredulous I couldn’t hold the laugh any longer that was bubbling up in my chest.

 

Falling back onto the couch I clutched my stomach that started to hurt from laughing so hard while trying to hold back my tears. I silently shock for several moments, gasping for breath. Little hands started to touch my face and Sam leaned over me, obviously checking for any injuries.

Not finding anything, she only shrugged her shoulders looking up at Dante.

“I think she´s broken.” Sam told him dryly before turning back to the TV. “Are you coming? I wanna watch The King.”

 

Her words send me into another fit of laughter, knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to go anywhere soon. He was in a hard place.

Literally

 

“Yeah… just give me a minute!” Dante called over his back, shortly before I heard him opening the tap. When the water started flowing, I shot up watching closely how he was seemingly busy doing something inside the sink.

Biting my lip, I now felt somehow bad he had to resort quenching his arousal with cold water but he really had it coming.

I mentally made a note to tell him to clean his sink.

 

Looking over his shoulder, Dante saw me watching him and shot me his dirtiest look, turning off the water and wiping his hands on the kitchen towel. Grabbing something to drink and other snacks he soon came over, joining us on the couch.

 

Smiling at Sam, Dante crouched down in front of her. “My name is Dante and what is yours?”

 

Suddenly becoming shy, which wasn’t anything like her Sam snuggled into my side, eying him an apprehensively. “I´m Sam.”

 

“Ah, so you´re Sam.” Nodding, Dante scrutinized her closely. “I have heard so much about you. Lexi here simply can´t stop talking about you.”

 

“Lexi´s talking to you?” Sam pouted, looking up at me with big eyes. “She never talks to me.”

 

Glaring at Dante, I gestured for him to fix it. I didn’t ever want Sam to think that I wouldn’t talk to her. That would kill me.

 

“Not with her words, little Sammy.” Dante smiled before taking a seat on the couch to my other side, leaning forwards to see her. “But I still know that you mean a lot to her. Do you know how I do that?”

 

Returning Dante´s expectant look with a hesitant one Sam shook her head. “No.”

 

“It´s because I see the way she looks at you, I know what she feels. And just from looking at her I know she loves you very much, right Lexi?”

 

Turning my head towards Dante, I observed him for a few seconds trying to swallow the lump in my throat. Caressing Sam´s head, I nodded my agreement, smiling at her.

Content with what Dante had told her, Sam tucked her legs in, leaning against me as she expectantly turned towards the TV.

Mirroring her position, I snuggled up against Dante who had one arm slung over my shoulders, the other one holding the remote.

 

Running his nose along my head, he pressed a kiss to my hair as he started the movie, before letting go of the remote and grabbing my hand. Sighing in content I pressed my lips against Dante´s shoulder blade, the hand whose fingers weren´t intertwined with his resting on Sam´s head, fingers tangled in her hair.

Soon the movie started and as all the animals gathered to honor the king of the lions I knew this was where I wanted to be.

Where I needed to be.

I had finally found my place.

* * *

 

We were lying in bed completely spent from our strenuous activity and still very much naked. Tris had come an hour after the movie ended to collect Sam, only asking me who the hell I thought would delete the footage of me coming here when she saw my shocked expression. Dante started laughing at that, but I´m sure he wouldn’t be so amused when the leaders a.k.a. the men of my family found out.

Luckily Sam promised to keep this little meeting under wraps or `our little secret´ like Dante called it before he bid her farewell.

Closing the door behind them he didn’t waste a second in scooping me up and carrying me into his bedroom where he showed me and I quote “What happens when you wake up the beast”.

 

Now he was lying by my side, propped up on his elbow as he watched me and even though I had my eyes closed I could feel his gaze on my skin. Turning my head, I faced him, opening my eyes just to meet his indecipherable gaze.

Dante only smiled when I raised one eyebrow, tugging the sheet away from my hip he ran his fingers over the ink that adorned the skin right over my left hipbone.

“I haven’t seen this one before but after meeting her I understand why you wanted her name tattooed on you.”

 

His thumb caressed the letters, the cursive writing of Sam´s name and I only smiled at him, too tired as to try to explain that she wasn't the only reason I had chosen this specific tattoo. Instead, I turned towards him, slinging my leg over his and laying my head on his shoulder I snuggled deeper into his embrace.

When Dante pulled me closer in return I sighed in content, pressing my nose against his pecks while he started to play with my hair.

“Sleep now, Lexi.”

 

I only managed to nod weakly as sleep started to overtake me, the words he spoke next getting lost as my mind drifted to places far away, knowing he would keep me safe.

* * *

 

Our instructors had all the initiates gathered in the pit where they handed out the required gear we would need for the patrol we had to join.

Dad was standing in front, hands clasped behind his back as his voice echoed through the stone, his instructions clear and demanding as always.

We were to split up into three groups of eight to support the patrol groups in raiding different warehouses where there had been increased sightings of factionless and right now dad was briefing us about the safety aspects we were to follow.

How we always had to stay close to one member, never walking off on our owns and clear every room to prevent an ambush.

Basic stuff like that.

 

Instead of listening to him I turned towards Avery who was talking feverishly, furrowing my brow when she stopped speaking like a dear in headlights. I swayed my gaze between her and Ivy wanting to know why they suddenly got quiet after talking so animatedly.

 

“Ivy got laid last night.” Avery burst out, quickly covering her mouth the moment she realized what she just said.

“Avery!” Ivy hissed, swatting her arm as she turned towards me. Deeply confused I watched them, signaling that I wasn’t really shocked by her admission. Dauntless wasn’t known for its chastity and I wasn’t one to judge, especially since I got laid almost every single day last week.

And that by my instructor.

Rolling my eyes at them in a playful manner, I lined up behind Owen who seemed to just ignore them, their antics and their drama, so I did the same.

It took the line painfully long to move forward and when I finally received my vest and the long firearm, the only thing I wanted is to finally move out.

 

Theo started reading the names and the respective numbers of the squat we would join, mine being second. Following Ivy, I made my way towards the group I was assigned to when someone grabbed my arm, holding me back.

Throwing Dante a confused look I signaled him that I had to go but he shook his head, telling me no.

“You´re not going with them. They´re all idiots.”

 

I only raised one eyebrow in semi-amusement, trying to get to where I was supposed to go but Dante steered me away, instead telling one of the transfers to take my place. I don’t know if I was annoyed, amused or touched by his protectiveness, maybe all three.

But most of all I was relieved that we finally got going.

 

Following my instructor or more like being manhandled by him, I joined the third group. We would check out a building near candor that was known to have housed factionless before, so there was a slight chance of finding something. We all got ushered towards the garages where the trucks were already waiting for us, ready to head out.

* * *

 

The ride was bumpy and uncomfortable, being squeezed together between so many people and when we finally came to a halt I all but jumped out, pushing through the people to get them to stop touching me.

It was insanely cramped with all the equipment we carried and the first thing I did was stretching my aching thighs from sitting like that for over 45 minutes.

We had stopped in front of a large brick building and I squinted my eyes. Positioning the gun that had hung over my shoulder, I had a strange feeling of familiarity as I took the shattered, but with cardboard covered windows of the warehouse in.

But since there were so many buildings similar to this in the whole damn city I just shook it off, turning back towards my squat where the highest-ranking patrol officer once again briefed the roughly twenty-five of us.

“Alright, no solo-runs, no goofing around and if I find one of you playing with the gun I´m going to show you what it feels like being shot. Understood?”

When everyone murmured in agreement the strict looking soldier nodded once, signaling us all to get into position. I lined up right behind Dante, pressing myself against the wall like everyone else.

On the count of three, one of the experienced patrol officers kicked the heavy steel door open and we flowed into the building like the special forces in the old action movies used to, always watching for danger.

 

While four members stayed back to guard the entrance the rest of us split up into two groups, the larger one searching through the ground floor while I followed Dante and several others down into the basement.

The visible rusty pipes and the concrete floor caused a strange feeling of foreboding to bubble inside my chest, my heart rate only increasing when I spotted the familiar steel doors all along the dimly lit hallway.

This had to be a joke.

 

Tightening the grip on my gun I walked forwards watching how they opened each door, aiming for every possible target inside as they did so. They proceeded like that and we advanced until I exactly knew where we were.

Dante gestured for me to follow him, to concentrated on the task at hand to notice the way my breathing speed up as my throat tightened with every step I took or how the gun threatened to slide out of my sweaty hands.

With reluctant steps, I walked behind him trying to control my breathing and I managed until we reached that one door I didn't want him to open. But he did.

 

Pushing the handle down, Dante stemmed his shoulder into the steel door that seemed to be stuck, finally managing to open it after several attempts. Pointing his gun inside he cleared the room, where still the rag lay, I used to cover myself with every night until my father finally found me.

 

I quietly stumbled backward with weak knees, until my back touched the opposite wall and I whipped my head around. Starring down the corridor I squinted my eyes, my heart skipping a beat as I thought to see something move in the darkness, not sure if there really had been any movement or if my mind was fucking with me.

Feeling the pull in my chest I took a hesitant step forward, then another and another until I was almost running down the hallway.

I heard someone call my name, most likely Dante but I paid him no mind as I darted around corners, the exact route burned into my memory like their mark had been burned into my back, my gun hanging forgotten over my shoulders.

 

Not slowing down for a second I burst through another door, my breathing ragged as I abruptly stopped shirt in the middle of the room. Swiveling around I clenched my fists, almost seeing the man surrounding me in this very same room, that was now completely empty.

Or so I thought.

 

From the corner of my eye, I saw something shiny, reflecting the dimmed light that shone inside from the hallway. I could hear shouts coming closer, footsteps thundering through the abandoned basement but I blocked them out, walking forward as if in trance until I was right in front of it.

Crouching down I picked the shiny object up, all air leaving my body when I realized what it was.

 

Not even looking up when someone stormed into the room I stayed in my position on the floor, slowly turning the coin in my hand.

Seeing the symbol of the eagle engraved into the shiny metal I was instantly thrown back to the day I found it in one of the erudite archives and dad told me to take it with me even though it had been a rare found, being a coin from before the war. How it was my present for Sam on his seventh birthday or that he always carried it with, claiming it was his lucky charm.

I almost smiled at the memory.

 

That was until I realized there had been no speck of dust on it.

No spot of rust.

Even though this room was full of debris, wet and cold the coin looked as if it had been polished only recently.

And suddenly I could feel their presence all around me, how they leered at us, at me while we were at their mercy, the way their voices rang through the room while we withered in pain once again being tortured.

One of them had been here.

 

“Lexi! What the fuck are you doing here?!” Still frozen by the terror I felt, I wasn’t able to turn and face Ben who was coming to a halt in front of me, breathing harshly because he had run after me. “You weren´t supposed to be here for a reason!”

 

Two gently hands gripped me beneath my arms, heaving me up again and I felt Dante pulling my stiff form against his warm one. “I had no idea, Lexi. I´m sorry.”

His words were quiet, spoken directly into my ear so Ben who watched me furious and concerned at the same time wouldn’t hear it.

 

“Get her the fuck out of here!” Ben´s voice was hard, his eyes fire blazing as he took my obvious disheveled state in. The way my breathing was ragged as my mind was still trying to fight the terror that threatened to overtake my whole body.

I didn’t even fully comprehend the way Dante carried me out of the room, I just closed my eyes hoping for it to be just another nightmare.

* * *

 

“Are you feeling better, Lex?”

 

I was leaning against the brick wall a few feet away from the trucks, head tilted back as I tried to compose myself. Dante was pacing around with a deeply regretful expression while his hair was sticking out in every direction, his hands running through it constantly. Giving him a weak smile, I extended my hand and he complied to my quiet request immediately, taking it before stepping closer to me.

After downing a whole bottle of water and being in the fresh air my mind was clearer and I was finally able to think again, already feeling ashamed of my open display of weakness.

Surprisingly it bothered me less that Dante had seen me like that, than the other dauntless who all watched him carry me out.

 

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pulled Dante closer, his sheer presence being able to calm me down again. My lips met his in a soft kiss that had nothing sexual about it, but it reassured me what I already knew.

That he was always there for me.

Caressing the side of his face, the stubble feeling deliciously beneath my fingertips I looked deeply into his eyes, opening my mouth.

 

But for the second time this day I saw something sparkle from the corner of my eye, reflecting the sunlight and I reacted instantly, pushing Dante to the ground before ducking away myself.

Just in time for the gunshot that rang through the air, colliding with the wall where not even a second ago both of our heads had been.

Rolling away and out of the line of fire, I grabbed one of the guns lying on the ground, trying to dodge the bullets that flew around me while I took aim.

Pulling the trigger, I had never been happier to have a semi-automatic weapon that didn’t need manual reloading as I fired at least ten times, shattering the windows, where I was sure the shooter had been. But soon my clip was empty and I turned around, frantically searching for Dante.

 

He was lying on the ground, clutching his leg and not trying to get up. Hurrying over to him, I pulled him behind a container, just in case someone else was taking aim.

Dante cursed loudly, the movements obviously hurting him and I felt my heart sink when I realized his hands were bloody.

Swatting them away, I feverishly searched for the source of bleeding praying it wasn’t some place vital but he captured my wrists with one hand, forcing me to look into his eyes while raising my head with the other.

"Calm down, Lexi. The asshole just grazed my leg, it´s nothing.”

 

Letting out a breath in relief I slumped against the container, calming my racing heart as the tension left my body.

_He was okay._

But the relief was short-lived, the rage that let my whole being burn up in anger wasn’t anything I could subdue.

Gritting my jaw, I scrambled up, snatching the second gun. Ignoring Dante´s shouts for me to come back I stormed back into the alleyway emptying the second magazine aiming at the windows, before throwing the firearm away, gripping the gutter.

 

Pulling myself up, I climbed as fast as I could, being all too aware that I was out in the open, an easy target as long as I wasn´t inside the building. Seeing movement from the corner of my eye I raised my head, looking right into the face of one of the men I hated with all my heart, one that plagued my reoccurring nightmares.

The factionless that injected Sam with the death serum.

 

The slender, but still muscular man that was known for his cunningness smirked down at me and in that moment, I knew it.

They were toying with me.

And I was going to kill them all.

Slowly and painfully.

 

He drew his head back into the room and it took me a few seconds but then I was there, swinging myself through the shattered window right where he had disappeared to.

But he was already gone.

 

Blinded by all-consuming rage I drew the handgun that was strapped to my hip, storming through the threshold that lacked the door into the hallway and after the sound of his retreating steps. Running around corners and through countless rooms that were parched with parcels I wasn’t prepared for the blow I took when I stormed out of another abandoned office room into another hallway.

I didn't know what it was that hit my head, but pain burst hot like iron behind my temples and I fell backward, everything going black.

 

I was out before I hit the floor.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know.. I know… You hate me.. :D I´m really sorry but it´s necessary for the development of Lexi´s story… I will try to not leave you with a cliffhanger too long but I have a few things to do. Still, Lexi is always calling for me :D
> 
> Thank you for reading & reviewing, you´re the best! :)


	15. Chapter 14

**I was pacing in front of the infirmary room,** hands running through my hair, almost thankful for the pain in my leg that distracted me from the thoughts that were tormenting my soul.

Because it was my fault Lexi was lying in that bed, unconscious with a huge gash on her forehead after being attacked while she was on her own, while she tried to defend me.

I had seen the exact moment anger overtook her, how the expression in her eyes changed as she ran right into what could have been her own doom, but I wasn’t fast enough to stop her, to prevent a tragedy from happening. I failed.

No one could hold Lexi back if she was determined.

 

Still, it had been my fault that led her to be there in the first place and I could kick my own ass for taking her back to the building she had been held capture in. I didn’t even realize she was panicking until she ran away, almost flying through the hallways. When I finally found her again she was kneeling on the floor, her body here, but her mind so far away. A small smile grazed her lips, shortly before she froze as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over her head, her hands starting to shake while her face was contorted with horror.

Seeing here like this, Ben looked as if he´d like to gut me alive, the way he shouted at me to get her out of the building, almost doing it himself.

And that´s where I fucked up once again.

 

Instead of taking her to the trucks that were very much bulletproof and safe, I had led her away from them, away from the soldiers that were positioned at the entrance and could have protected us, because I felt the need to comfort her without being seen by them.

My thoughtless actions made everything worse right when Lexi seemed to finally get better. To be honest I had no idea if she heard what I told her when she fell asleep in my arms a few days ago but I could have sworn, right there in that alleyway Lexi had opened her mouth to say something.

_To speak._

 

But then she saved my sorry ass by shoving me out of the way, right before the bullet hit the wall where less than a second my head had been.

It would have killed me, but Lexi´s swift action had saved me. And what did I do in return?

I couldn’t even help her.

The moment Lexi ran across the alleyway, climbing the building, I tried getting up to help her, or follow _or just do something_ , but another sniper from a building took aim at me, shooting as soon as I moved even a fraction behind the container. This hail of bullets made it impossible for me to get to her.

I had to wait for the other dauntless to give me cover, fearing the whole time the shooter would see Lexi and take her out. But I was rendered helpless because she had taken my gun and fired all the bullets in a useless attempt to wound one of them.

But as the fire ceased and the factionless guy, who had a handgun and looked out the window drew back, disappearing into the abandoned warehouse, I knew it was bad. They were luring her in because they wanted her alive and Lexi didn’t even realize that.

Even though I was relieved they didn’t want to kill her, I was scared out of my mind.

What if they took her again?

She wouldn’t survive a second time, no one would.

 

It took our soldiers excruciatingly long to give me cover, but when two of them finally managed to reign the firing factionless in, the other two followed me into the warehouse Lexi had disappeared into. Even though I had tried to lessen the bleeding of my leg with a makeshift bandage the wound still hurt like a bitch. But taking two steps at once, running up to the floor I thought she would be on, the pain was drowned out by the overwhelming need to find her before the factionless could take her away. I couldn’t even bear the thought.

 

But she was neither on the first floor we went nor on the second.

From beneath us, I could hear the other dauntless coming in, their yelling sounding through the whole building as I sprinted up another flight of stairs, my heart beating out of my chest.

 

That was, until I stopped short, my whole body freezing as my heart stopped inside my chest. There, on the floor was a pair of feet peeking out from a doorframe and I instantly knew it was her. Even though everything in me screamed to go to her, I couldn’t move. The way Lexi lay there, it was just… unbearable and utterly terrifying.

But the moment I realized I was wasting precious time that could decide if she lived or died, I was already at her side, cradling her head in my hands, begging, _pleading_ for her to be alive.

 

I was kneeling in a pool of blood, coming from a huge gash on her forehead. By her side laying a pipe, stained with red. She mustn’t have seen the blow coming, if she ran through the building like I had, so stupidly reckless as if nothing could harm her.

Having her in my arms, I searched for a heartbeat, all breath left my body when I finally found it, accompanied by the rising and falling of her chest.

Lexi was alive.

But she was unconscious and bleeding.

_There was so much blood._

 

Not wanting to waste any more time, I scooped her up in my arms, almost collapsing when I put weight on my injured leg. Catching myself in the last minute, I was just able to regain my balance and limp towards the stairs, when came Ben bursting through the doors, an almost crazed expression on his face. He immediately leaped towards me, ignoring every word of reassurance from me, as he hovered over me, his gaze flitting over Lexi´s whole body to look for lethal injuries.

Stopping at the gash on her head and the blood coming out of it, he froze just like I had before starting to scream orders not even a second later. For the soldiers to find the factionless, for others to make the truck ready, for me to hand her over.

 

I was the only one hesitating to obey, even though I knew of the repercussions that followed defying a direct order from a leader. But the moment I felt my leg giving out from beneath me, I had to hand Lexi over and luckily for her, Ben caught on fairly quick, pulling her into his arms just a second before my knees hit the floor, sending a wave of pain through my whole body.

And then he was gone.

 

Ben sprinted down the stairs with Lexi in his arms, leaving me with a soldier I didn’t know to help me get out of the warehouse and into the trucks. That was the moment the adrenaline started wearing off and along with the blood loss I suffered, I had to lay down to let the dizziness pass that blurred everything around me.

After a few minutes and a new makeshift bandage, the soldier almost carried me down the stairs and into a truck, that had arrived a few moments ago, a new wave of soldiers streaming out of it.

Looked like someone had called for backup.

Amongst them was Theo, no doubt here to oversee the operation. He seemed rather collected, almost calm, and I asked myself if he knew what had happened to his sister. But before I could go talk to him, I had already been pushed into a truck and the door closed in my face. With that, we were off.

 

Back at dauntless, there had been already two nurses waiting for me with a stretcher. Despite my protest and reassurance that I could walk, they had wheeled me to the infirmary, where they proceeded to stitch up my leg along with giving me a blood substitute containing healing serum, that immediately started working, relieving the pain I felt.

Despite the countless questions, I asked the infirmary stuff and desperately searching for her form in the infirmary, I couldn’t find her. And no one was telling me anything.

There was no trace of Lexi.

 

So instead of staying in the bed, like the nurse told me too, I got up and went looking for her. After ten minutes and skimming countless rooms, I finally realized that someone must have brought her into the private rooms of the infirmary. After all her father and brother were leaders, while her mother was the head ambassador of dauntless.

Cursing myself for my stupidity, I hurried along the hallway, peeking into every room before stopping at the third from the right.

There she was.

 

Through the small window in the door, I could just spot Lexi lying on the infirmary bed, a white bandage wrapped around her head, her vitals monitored on a screen. She was still unconscious with an IV in her hand, but the sight of her heartbeat on the monitor slightly calmed me down, just like the slow, rhythmical rising of her chest that was clad in hospital clothes.

Ever since that moment I have been waiting in front of the room, the only time I left was for fetching myself a bottle of water. And I wish I didn’t.

 

Even before I stepped back into the hallway, I heard the sound of a commotion, followed by a horde of nurses rushing towards Lexi´s room. Letting the bottle fall out of my hand, I watched them bursting into the room fearing the worst.

My hesitant steps turned into a full sprint as I hurried towards the infirmary room, before throwing through the door and pushing through two nurses.  Taking in the scene that was playing out in front of me I froze.

 

Lexi, who had been sleeping so peacefully, was now thrashing around in her bed, her arms flaying wildly while two women were trying to restrain her. But every time, they tried to capture her arms, Lexi´s resistance was only getting worse.

 

“Don´t touch her!” Without hesitating, I hurried over and pushed the first nurse out of the way before catching the fist that was coming dangerously near to my face. As gently but as fast as I could, I let myself fall onto the bed behind the panicking Lexi. Slinging my arms around her upper body I trapped her upper arms to her chest, rendering her immobile. But even though I tried calming her by almost crushing her with this strange sort of hug, she still trashed in my arms. Grimacing, when she hit my cheek, I knew, I had to be careful that she wouldn’t break my nose while throwing her head back in an attempt to get me off her.

 

Being a former erudite I had once read about ways to calm a panicking person down and applying pressure to the whole body was supposed to create a feeling of security. Like when they lead cows into a slaughterhouse before the great war. By perching them together the body contact managed to calm them down so they could kill them.

But it didn’t work with Lexi.

Stemming her feet into the mattress she bucked up, arching her back in a way I would have enjoyed tremendously in another situation. But right now, it only made my attempt to reign her in harder.

 

“Lexi! Calm down!” When she didn’t react to my whispered pleas I let myself fall backward, pulling her onto me before I threw one leg over hers, to prevent her from kicking. But it was already too late.

The nurse who I hadn’t pushed away, had been too close to us right when Lexi threw her leg into the air with all her might. Despite her being barefoot the sound of her heel connecting with the young woman’s nose and the following crack resonated through the room like the gunshot had in the alleyway.

Letting out a pained shriek the nurse turned away, clutching her nose with both hands but I still saw the blood flowing down between them.

This wouldn’t go over well.

 

Doubling my efforts, I hooked my leg between Lexi´s before throwing us both the side. With straining determination, I managed to cage her in between the mattress and my body. But despite being now immobile for real, she still tried bucking me off.

“Please, stop Lexi.”

My cheek was pressed against hers, labored breathing right beside her ear like I had done so many times before. But this time having her writhing beneath me was not arousing in the slightest. It was frightening.

 

Rubbing my cheek against hers, Lexi tensed up for a moment, before drawing her arm back so fast it hit my ribs, no doubt leaving a huge bruise. But as I let out a grunt of pain, her struggling got weaker with each passing second, until she stayed still in my arms. Pulling my hand from beneath her I hesitantly placed it on her hair, still weary of her sudden surrendering.

“That´s it. Everything is okay.”

 

Reluctantly and still on guard, I drew back a little, a weight lifting off my chest when she stayed calm, her head turned to the side and her hair hiding her beautiful face. Cautiously, I brushed the bangs away, caressing her cheek. But then I realized, her eyes were closed and her breathing rhythmic while mine was still labored from the effort it had taken to restrain her.

Looking up sharply, I focused on the IV in her hand before my gaze flew to the nurse who took a step back,  syringe still in hand and my eyes widened in horror.

 

“What have you done?!” Raising my voice in accusation, I started to get up but the door being thrown open distracted me from my plans to rip the nurse that dared to sedate her a new one.

Eric came storming in, his face hard and gaze burning through everything in his way, like he would send us straight to hell. His hauntingly grey eyes picked up every detail of the happenings in the room in less than a second. From the nurse, who was still clutching her nose, blood smeared all over her face, to me, halfway on the bed his once again unconscious daughter lay in and finally to the empty syringe the other nurse had in her hand.

 

“What is going on here?!” Eric´s jaw was clenched as his eyes once again burned into the wounded nurse.  I stayed silent while he stepped further into the room, his expression turning darker when no one answered him immediately.

 

“Sir, she was attacked by…” The first nurse started but was immediately cut off by his snarling reply.

  
“I _fucking_ know everything about what happened at the patrol.” Throwing a glare my way, no doubt because he blamed me, Eric focus was once again on the blood dripping down the other ones´ chin. "I want to know what happened _here_!”

 

Fiddling with her hands, the fairly young woman avoided his gaze, most likely scared what he could do to her for hurting Lexi. “Your daughter woke up, Sir, and immediately started getting panicky. She lashed out and hurt Maisie over there, I think she broke her nose. When we couldn’t get her to calm down, we…” She gulped heavily, her voice getting quiet when she resumed speaking. “… we _sedated_ her.”

 

Taking a few steps towards the bed, Eric looked down on his daughter, face expressionless as the cogs turned inside his head. He was silent for a few seconds, just staring at the motionless girl besides me before he turned to the nurse, his voice quiet.

“Good.”

Not really believing what I just heard, I gaped at Eric. How could he condone this?!

 

“In fact, want you to restrain her, we can´t have her attacking the stuff. If something like this happens again I want you to sedate her, to keep her down until we can handle this the right way.”

 

“ _What?!_ ”  Ignoring my outburst of incredulity at dealing with his daughter, Eric only nodded towards the nurse before he turned to leave. As soon as he stepped into the doorframe, the infirmary staff immediately busted around to follow his instructions to a T. That meant tying Lexi up, before drugging her just to keep her calm until he had the time to _deal_ with it.

 

“I don´t have time for that now.” With that, the head leader was gone without even once inquiring what state his daughter was in. As if he didn't even care _as if she wasn’t his daughter at all._

 

With one last pained look at her face, I made my decision. Pressing a lingering kiss to her forehead, careful of the wound and a whispered promise that I would come back, I got off the bed and ran out of the room, dodging the people coming my way.

 

“Sir!” Eric, who was already at the end of the hallway slowly came to a stop when he heard me calling his name. Turning around, he raised one eyebrow, staring me down. He was obviously agitated that I had dared to interrupt whatever he was doing.

As if I cared,

 

“Dante.” Taking in the stance, he always used to intimidate people, feet wide apart and arms crossed behind his back, Eric stared me down, his face giving nothing away. But I could sense his eagerness getting away from here. _What an asshole._

Straightening up in return, I tried to mimic his expression but his less than caring behavior irked me to no end. His pride for once was wrongful and stupid.

 

“I mean no disrespect, Sir, _but seriously_?! _Tying her up_ and _sedating_ her?! It will only make everything worse the second she wakes up again!” Even though I tried keeping it down, my voice rose gradually as I was too angry, to keep my composure.

 

“Oh, really?” Eric´s voice in return was calm, almost sounding approachable but the glint in his eyes told something completely different. “And what would _you_ suggest? Letting Lexi roam around the infirmary when she clearly isn’t in the right state of mind? Or letting her break more noses?”

 

“I don´t know!” Shaking my head at his insolence I narrowed my eyes, anger bubbling in my chest once again. How could someone be so infuriating? “But I wouldn’t treat her like some animal. She is after all your daughter and not just some kind of member!”

 

“Exactly. She is _my_ daughter.” Taking a step forward, Eric glared at me with gritted jaw. He wasn’t taller than me by much but despite training almost every day I couldn’t compete in the slightest with the sheer mass of muscles he sported. I had always been on the leaner side so fighting him could become nasty very quick. But if he didn't relent in any way, I couldn't be held accountable for my actions “Nevertheless, I also have to think about the members of my faction. And right now, she is a danger to not only herself but also everyone in her close proximity. _Believe me_ , I have been through this whole ordeal before and this time I will take action before she almost kills one of my faction members when all they do is trying to help her.”

 

“If she wakes up restraint, Lexi will…” But he only cut me off, exhaling agitated as he started speaking like you would to a toddler. I hated being treated like some insolent child. And that was exactly, what he was doing.

“That´s why she will be sedated.”

 

Clenching my fists, I exhaled deeply trying to reign the furry tightening my chest in, which only turned out to be futile. “Bullshit! You´re just taking the easy way out!” I exploded, my loud voice attracting the attention of everyone around us.

 

“Careful now.” Taking another step forward, Eric´s eyes were blazing fire. Seeing the tenseness of his body, I knew I had gone too far but I was too riled up to care. “I am still your leader and this is absolutely none of your business.” Looking me up and down, he cocked his head to the side. “Or maybe it is. Do you want to tell me why my daughter, _your initiate_ was part of that patrol squad when we explicitly ordered her to be somewhere else? How could she be exactly where they attacked when she wasn't even supposed to be there? I could think, someone lured her in.”

 

Clenching my jaw, I met his gaze head on but stayed quiet. If I´d tell him now about Lexi and I´s relationship and that everything that happened today was my fault, he would most likely choke me to death, assuming I was part of a conspiracy I didn’t even know existed. When I kept my mouth shut, he only raised one eyebrow mockingly. “No? I didn’t think so.”

 

“It still doesn’t make it right how you handled this whole situation in there!” My voice was quiet, but the underlying anger clearly audible. Rolling his eyes, his face once again void of any emotion except annoyance, Eric´s composure showed no trace of his previous outburst or that my words had struck a chord. It was as if this whole ordeal wasn’t worth fretting over, not to mention that I was wasting his time trying to defend his daughter.

And it seems as if I was right.

 

“Instead of listening to your whining on how I should handle my family business, I´m going to find who did this to her. It will do Lexi more good knowing we have them locked up, awaiting trial than sitting idle handed by the side of her bed babying her.”

Chuckling humorlessly, I could only shake my head at his ignorance. This was one thing I always detested about dauntless. No one was ever allowed to show any weakness, no matter what it was about. What a fucked up system.

 

“Faction before Blood, right?” Sensing the sarcasm in my remark, Eric narrowed his eyes, snorting like a bull ready to strike. I just had to yield the red flag a little longer and I would find myself on the floor with his hands around my neck.

 

“Right.” Gritting his teeth, he mustered me with renewed despite. “And maybe you remember that you still have the other initiates to care off. Since your leg doesn’t seem to hurt very much I suggest you do that now.”

Despite his words sounding like a suggestion, I knew it was very much an order. And right now, I was very tempted to defy him but I managed to bite back the response that surely would have earned me a punishment. I didn’t need him forbidding me to see Lexi, that would be the worst he could do.

“If you have wasted enough of my time I would very much like to go and do my job. Like you should.”

 

“Of course, _Sir_.” Ignoring my hissed reply, Eric just eyed me up one last time before turning around. Striding down the hallway, he disappeared around the corner but I stayed where I was, replaying the conversation over and over in my head, once again not understanding how a father could be so heartless. But it wasn’t something new for me, or it shouldn’t be. Fucked up family circumstances was all I had ever known.

 

And standing here, Eric´s words still echoing inside my head I finally understood her. And with that newfound enlightenment, I knew that dealing with Lexi in the following weeks, or even months would be hard. Maybe harder than everything I ever did.

But I was convinced, the outcome would be worth it.

She would be worth it.

Because ever since that faithful night Lexi had fallen asleep in my arms drunk like a sailor while she seduced me like a vixen, she had stolen my heart, messed up my mind and toyed with my soul.

 

Regretfully turning away from the hallway, she was in, I made my way to the dorms, to brief and inform the rest of the dauntless born how training would go on with one of them not able to participate. But even when I left the infirmary and walked through the dark and cold compound, my mind never swayed far away from the brown-haired sleeping beauty lying on that bed with the white sheets, looking like one of those princesses waiting to be kissed awake.

 

Little did I know that she didn’t want me to be her prince, or that she would do everything humanly possible to push me away once she was released from the solitary confinement, her father had placed her in. I just had to keep telling myself that she was worth it because she was it for me.

I just had to keep the faith for the both of us, when she lost hers.

I would hold onto her, _onto us_ , no matter what the cost to my comfort, my happiness, or even my sanity would be.

I had fallen for her and that would never change because she was mine as much as I was hers.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m so sorry for leaving you with a cliffhanger for so long, but finishing my application & then writing this chapter was dragging on & really hard. I don´t know if it was the POV but I hope the other chapter will come easier. I also hope you enjoyed this short insight into Dante´s mind and how he sees Lexi.
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> Thanks for reading & everyone who reviewed, you always make the struggle worth it! :)
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> To the guest reviewer: You totally made my day! :D I have a few things hidden in the chapters that could hint at the secrets Lexi is hiding, but I´m not that cunning :D I think your mistrust in Dante has got a little less with this chapter, but he really was the guy from the prologue! :D You will see more of that in the later chapters :) To the coin: Sam had it always in his pocket, so the factionless got it the day they both were captured.
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> His body was found burnt in an alleyway, along with Lexi seeing him die his faith was certain. To Belle: She considers Lexi her own child, plus she comes from amity where forgiveness is really important. And as we all know, some traits stay with you forever.
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> Well, Edgar is a crazy psychopath, so who knows what he´s doing in his free time & how he is able to fuck Lexi´s day up every single time :D
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	16. chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important: I´m writing from my brother´s PC because the ventilation system of my new one broke down today, making it sound as if he´ll explode anytime soon. I won´t have my brother´s PC very often because he needs it for writing his master thesis & when I have to send mine in (hopefully it´s a guarantee case) I have no idea when I will get it back. Still, I´ll try to make it work with the updates & all :)  
> This chapter is really rough, but bare with me it will get better very soon, I promise! :)  
> Thank you for reading & all the reviews! :)
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**Time is an abstract thing if you think about it.** Sometimes it is as if no time at all passed while at other times, it just flies by you, blurring your memories until you don’t remember what day it is or what you did yesterday.   
For a minute you lose yourself, cease to exist while you feel like walking through honey, your limbs heavy while the world around you is spinning on and on. You are rooted to the spot while everything around you spirals out of control, being so stuck in your own universe that you´de indifferent to the happenings around you, only moments stand out, colorful specks in a world of full of grey.

Have you ever looked down at your own hand, moving your fingers, watching every single muscle contract while asking yourself if this is really your body if this is all you are. All you will ever be. Just a mass of skin and bones that is condemned to walk on this earth until you finally bite the dust.

Or do you ever feel like standing beside yourself, not being the person in control of your own body. You watch them going through their daily chores like machines, your mind so far away from the empty shell that is considered being alive because it breathes, that only a flicker of pain can bring you back.

I ask myself if someone else ever felt the way I do now. If anyone in this damn city feels everything, every single emotion at once while feeling nothing at all. If their breathing becomes forced the moment they feel the panic rising in their chest until it overwhelms them, consuming them alive but still don´t show any signs of being nervous. If the people in their lives don´t notice it because those people have become so good at acting, always so collected, so calm as if nothing ever bothers them or if the humans that are supposed to support them just don´t care.  
Maybe they don´t realize they're the exact the opposite of calm and indifferent.   
They care, maybe too much and about everything.  
About how to overcome the struggle their facing, if they are worth loving or if they should stop trying at all because, in the end, their struggle will have been in vain. Like always.

Are there walking paradoxes like I am one, a person that is consumed by their fear while simultaneously feeling nothing at all, or am I just crazy?

All I know is, that I was lying in that bed for days, my hands at one point restricted, limiting my movements to the bare minimum, at another free again, giving me the chance to curl up, the fetus position acting as a shield against the world.   
There were people. Sitting on my bed, trying to talk to me or worse, touching me. I did my best to ignore them and their obnoxious babbling, but it followed me into my dreams, their voices echoing through the empty space that was my mind.

There were also needles piercing my skin, right after living through a very vivid memory that was playing in an endless loop, like a broken tape. Every time I felt myself coming out of what felt like cotton candy clouding my head and got more lively, something cool would touch the back of my hand and I was gone once again, drifting in and out of consciousness.

Funny, I always thought I knew what it felt like to stand beside myself, but in this state, it was so much worse. Every second seemed to last an eternity while hours flew by in a blink of the eye. I knew they had all been here, my mother, Tris, the twins and even Ivy and Avery. But despite Dante not once showing up, his voice telling me that everything would be okay followed me into these strange dreams, lightening the burden I carried with me for at least a little, just for a second making it easier to breathe.

I also knew, that dad always stayed outside the room, only getting a short briefing from the nurse before disappearing again. From one of these conversations that ended in a screaming fit of him, I concluded they had found traces of the fear serum in my bloodstream. Guess now I know where that vivid memory of hot burning iron marring my skin came from.

I came to the conclusion that they had planned this, Edgar had planned this. It was a simple concept, really. Something an erudite could think of.  
Their methods of calculated mental torturing had me thinking of the scruffy cat I found playing with a little bird when I was on my way home from school. She always gave it the chance to escape, drawing her claws back to created the illusion that the little sparrow was free to leave.  
The bird, scared as it was always hopped away, not realizing that his eagerness to get away and survive was exactly, what the cat wanted, what it craved.   
The prey running away from its predator was, what the cat considered fun, the chase what was so thrilling. To crush any hope it may have by capturing it over and over again until it got finally got boring. That was the moment the cat showed mercy and killed it with one bite, ending its agony.  
The final kill wasn't the satisfying part, it had been the chase, the diminishing of every ounce of hope it may have still had.  
That was, what got the cat off.

In the end, I would suffer the same fate like this bird. I just wished Edgar and his minions would get it over with and kill me before someone else dear to me would pay the price for being a part of my life.  
Like Dante almost had.

If he had died in that alleyway, right before my eyes, my life would have been over. Being the cause of one person's death was worse enough, but adding another life to that list would have effectively caused my own demise.  
My real breaking point, as if I wasn’t pathetic enough right now. It would have been easier than breaking a window in one of those countless crumbling skyscrapers in the heart of the city. Only one stone, for me one bullet to shatter the fragile resistance we still managed to muster.

Yeah, life is an abstract thing, not tangible for the human mind, while love, which is just hormones going crazy inside our heads creating hallucinations, isn’t something for everyone.  
It certainly isn’t for me.   
I either end up hurting the people dearest to me in the worst way possible or they die, maybe even both. It was simple as that.  
No, loving someone and being loved in return was never something that would be granted to me. And as long those around me were happy living their lives, I would go gladly through mine.   
Alone, until the bite of death would wipe my mortal existence from the face of the earth, until everything that remained was a faint echo of pain and the stardust I was created from restored to its original condition.

* * *

  
The week I spent in the infirmary was one big blur, partly through the meds I was given, partly by the daze that left my whole body numb and my mind fuzzy. In hindsight, everything seemed a little clearer, now that the sedatives didn´t turn my brain into useless mush, but I also knew what I had to do.  
I knew it from the moment the first gunshot rang through the air, almost killing the one person I wanted to stay out of the shitshow I call live.  
If being associated with me was a death sentence, I would reduce the number of people in my life to the bare minimum. And that meant only mom.

She had spent the whole time by my side head buried in countless files, only leaving when someone else would come to watch over me. Most of the time their voices faded into background noises while I stared at the white wallpaper, barely blinking.   
For days.   
Internalizing every swirl and bump into the wall, I tried to make it easier for them to leave. The moment they would realize I was already a dead man walking was be the moment, they would finally leave me be.   
Leave me to resign to my fate.

The last string in my heart was ripped apart when Tris thought it would be a good idea to bring Sam to my room. Something to cheer me up she said.  
Being convinced I couldn’t feel any longer, the sharp pain in my chest when I turned my back towards them, moving for the first time that day, was almost a pleasant sensation.   
Reminding me that I wasn’t dead yet.

Getting the hint, my aunt left again immediately, trying to explain Sam what was wrong with me when she asked, her voice as curious, as it was sad.  
Curled up under my blanket that mom specially brought from home I asked myself if she would remember me in the years to come.   
Maybe it would be better if she didn’t, you couldn't miss what you didn't know, right?   
But still, I selfishly wished for it.

After six days that felt like six weeks, I was discharged and sent my way, with a bottle of pills I was supposed to take if I felt anxious or homicidal. Maybe if I sneaked some of them into dad´s food, just a pill or two he would let loose for a day.   
The thought of him running around in the compound like an amity on peace serum almost made me smile. Almost.

The majority of the time home I spent in my old room, lying in my bed, staring at the wall. Instead of white, this one was a dark grey, almost black. The only burst of colors being the flames that symbolized everything I wasn’t.  
Our manifesto told us to fight our fears, no matter the cost of it. It certainly seemed as if I´d lost my sanity trying to do just that, my happiness long gone so it should count at least for something. Thinking of our manifest, I was sure that I would also always stand up for people, maybe even shout for them if I could.   
But I would never be free from my fears, from the demons that haunted me. They would always control my actions. How cowardly.  
And because my faction thought this cowardice was to blame for the world's injustice and that the bravery, I didn´t possess, is considered the most important virtue of them all, it is safe to say I have failed my faction before I was even a part of it.   
That sums my life up perfectly.

* * *

  
After three of four days of peaceful serenity, dad suddenly came storming into the room, the door slamming against the door, declaring he had enough of it. His face contorted in anger, his eyes blazing fire like they always did before he ended the life of a poor soul. Not being able to help the small sliver of fear, I blinked, trying to scoop away from him, cowering away in the corner of my bed.   
But he wasn’t having any of it.

Grabbing my wrists, dad wasn´t faced at all by my resistance and dragged me to the bathroom, basically pulling me after him while I stemmed my feet into the floor with all my strength. But it just took him one powerful pull to make me stumble into him. Sensing his chance, dad threw me over his shoulder marching into the bathroom. When he turned on the water I knew exactly what he was planning and I tried my best to get him to put me down, hitting his back with my fists.  
And then he did.

Grabbing my waist, he heaved me from his shoulder before pushing me directly under the ice-cold water, not giving a damn that I was gasping for air, still dressed in leggings and a shirt or that I was basically freezing to death after only three seconds under the stream.

“You have ten minutes before I want you dressed, ready for training.”  
With that he was gone, the bathroom door of my en suite slamming shut behind him as I scrambled for the temperature regulator, turning the water scolding hot before peeling the heavy clothes off me.

Like dad demanded, I was done in under ten minutes but instead of waiting for him, I just stormed out of the apartment while he was busy doing something in his study. If he wants me gone, fine. I have no problem with leaving when I know I´m not wanted.  
But I won´t hang around him all day, listening to how a perfect dauntless would behave. Not today.

* * *

  
It was already evening, the whole day had passed in a blur while I sat hidden away in an alcove on one of the lower levels of the chasm. The way down there was reclusive, only known to a few and I was one of them.   
The sound of water crashing against rock always caused a strange sense of tranquility to wash over me, but with it came also the numbness, the little spark of anger and defiance from this morning gone as soon as it came.

How many days of training I had missed, including this one, I had no idea but I knew, dad would skin me alive as soon as he´d get his hands on me.   
So my hiding game had to be strong.

Lost in thought, I hadn’t realized how much my back and butt really hurt from sitting on cold, wet stone the whole day but standing up, I almost toppled over. In the last second before falling I managed to regain my balance, swaying on my wobbly feet.  
Not quite good so close to a hole filled with water that swallowed everyone and everything up, unless you were suicidal. And, I wasn’t yet at that point of my life.

After having scaled the steep pathway, I thought about where to go now. It must have been close to midnight, the white light being replaced by blue, solar powered ones. Going to the dorms, jut like going home wasn´t an option. But since sleep avoided me ever since leaving the infirmary and without the meds, I was content spending my night somewhere I could let my mind wander around, without having to worry about people seeing me.

Letting my feet carry me wherever they wanted, my mind was still reeling about everything and nothing at once. Stopping short, I found myself in front of the training room that whispered for me to step in.  
Opening the heavy steel doors I did just that. My feet dragging over the rubber floor I soon faced the door of the small chamber in the back. Slowly extending my hand, I pushed this one open too, the memories rushing into my head as soon as I smelled the familiar scent of leather mats, gunpowder and sweat overwhelming me to such an extent I had to support myself on the threshold.

Closing my eyes, I stumbled inside before sinking down on the mats, a few feet away from where Dante and I had first become one.  
Reliving all the passionate kisses and shared laughter while he sunk himself into me over and over again I found myself reminiscing the first happy memory since landing in the infirmary. The ache in my chest getting almost unbearable.  
Happiness to have been granted such a special moment in my life. Sadness because there wouldn´t be any more of them.   
No more stolen kisses or passionate nights, no more covert glances or breathless laughter.

Folding my hands, I pressed them against my chest, drawing in a shaky breath because right in that moment, I could almost see him looking down at me with these warm brown eyes. I could feel his hands traveling across my bare skin, igniting every nerve ending in my body. His smell had been manly, the scent of his sweat not overpowering despite him training the whole day. I could even fucking taste him, his lips moving against mine and I knew he must have been chewing a gum before we kissed, his breath all minty.  
All these sensations after weeks of numbness were just too much for me. Pressing my palms against my eyes, I rocked back and forth trying to get my composure back. But it was futile.

Slapping my hand against my forehead, I tried harder, almost desperately when suddenly the door to the little chamber was thrown open and he wasn’t any longer a figment of my imagination.

Letting himself fall to his knees beside me, Dante pulled my head up, his hands on either side of my cheeks. His gaze frantically flitting over my face, he let out a relieved breath the moment he realized I was fine, before pulling me into his chest.  
He laid his chin on my hair and I could feel him taking a deep breath, his arms pulling me even closer to him.  
“Thank fuck, Lexi! We have been searching for you the whole goddamn day. Your family is going nuts, especially your father.” Letting out an incredulous chuckle, I felt him press his face into my hair, exhaling deeply. “Fuck. I thought something happened to you. Don´t ever do this to me again!”

Having almost forgotten what I had promised myself, I melted into him for a second reveling in the tranquility his touch brought.  
But then I froze up, not believing I had thrown all my cautions into the wind like this. Like I wouldn’t be the cause of his doom.  
Instantly feeling something was wrong, Dante drew back a little, looking down at me with worried eyes that tore my soul apart.   
Not having it in me to withstand him even a second longer, I did was I was best in.  
I ran.

Pushing him away with all the force I could muster, I was out the door before he could even get up again. But as I sprinted towards the doors leading out of the training room as fast as I could, I realized the lack of sleep and most importantly food had drained my powers.   
How much exactly, I had to find out when Dante suddenly grabbed by my wrists only inches away from the door and whirled me around, slamming us against the wall beside it.

“Forget it. Not again.” Dante was hovering over me, his muscular body caging me against the wall like he had done so many times before, his breathing ragged. And for the first time, he looked almost angry, his eyes hard and I shrank back, the fury boiling under the surface such a foreign sensation coming from him.  
“Do you really think I would just let you run away again? Just look where it took us last time!”

Lowering my head in shame, I stared at our chests that were pressed against each other, both heaving heavily. Yes, it had been my fault. My fault he was shot, my fault for freaking out.  
My fault for making everything worse by mindlessly running after a bunch of guys, I knew wanted nothing more than to kill me.

“Hey.” Dante grabbed my chin, but I tried to push him away, not being able to deal with his proximity. To deal with him and everything he stood for. When my movements turned into real struggling, almost desperately trying to get away from him, Dante captured my hands, pressing them against the wall by my side, rendering me completely immobile.   
“Lexi, stop it.” When I didn’t, he grabbed both of my wrists in one hand, raising my head with his other. But I lowered my eyes, avoiding his questioning gaze. “Look, I´m sorry for not visiting you in the infirmary but your mother was always there, your brother had me handling the other dauntless-born 24/7 and when I finally had an hour off, I had to deal with the consequences of the patrol debacle. I really tried, though...”

Trailing off, Dante tilted his head, his lips barely brushing over my cheek. Despite wanting to revel in the feeling of his stubbly face against mine and melt into his embrace to forget everything around us once more, I turned my head. Away from his touch, from everything I ever craved.  
Freezing up, it took Dante a moment before he drew back and from the corner of my eye, I could see him muster me intently. But I stared straight ahead, matching the hurt that crossed his face with an indifferent expression, even though it send sharp jabs into my guts.  
“Lexi, what´s wrong?”  
No answer.

“Tell me, please...” After another minute without any reaction from me, Dante positioned his face right in front of mine, causing me to turn away again. He huffed incredulously and I heard it, despite it being so quiet. Not wanting to see the range of emotion my indifferent behavior caused, I closed my eyes willing him to just leave it be and leave me. But he didn’t.  
Slamming me against the wall once more, frustrated but still careful I wouldn’t get hurt, I cursed the loud, surprised breath that left my lips, not ever wanting him to think I was afraid of him.   
But I still felt him increasing the space between us so that our chests weren´t touching.

“I see that you obviously want nothing to do with me right now, Lexi. And I understand it, I totally do. After all, it was my fault you were there, right? That you ended up in the infirmary.”

Biting my lips in despair, I shook my head. He didn’t understand it, none of it. Especially not, that it was for his own good. Me wanting to end whatever we have had nothing to do with him taking me there. the incident just showed me what I had to do.  
For him.

“Alright, just tell me one thing.” Letting out a breath, I despised the resigned tone in his voice. It was the way everyone spoke to me before giving up for good.   
“Did you ever have any feelings for me? No matter how little they were, was there something?”

Snapping my head up, my wide eyes met his hooded ones for the first time this evening. Dante´s face was guarded, his brow furrowed but his eyes gave away the vulnerability he felt.

Heart rate speeding up, my breathing quickening I felt my chest constricting, my throat closing in. I would have never assumed Dante would ask such a question in a moment like this. And right now, it was freaking me the hell out.  
But it was also the opportunity I had waited for, hoped for. To cut him off, to end what could have been the beginning of a perfect relationship. The start of a fairytale where the prince saves his princess and shields her from every harm that may come her way while looking ridiculously good doing it.

But I had never been a princess and in the end, he would just die in the process of trying to save me. If from myself or Edgar, I had no idea...  
Dante was so much more than a tragic love story gone wrong. He was an amazing human being and had the potential to be great, to achieve something. To become a high ranking member, having a loving wife and maybe even children.   
The image of a brown haired little boy with Dante´s eyes running around in the compound took my breath away, my heart fracturing as I pictured him kissing some dauntless female on his way to work, while I spent the rest of my life alone.  
He´d have the perfect family.   
And I wouldn’t be part of it.

So despite my heart screaming at me to not do it and the knowledge that this would be the one moment in my life, I would never forgive myself for, I shook my head no.  
Telling him that I didn’t have any feelings for him. Never had and never will.

“Alright.” Nodding his head, before shaking it, Dante stepped back, letting go of my hands while huffing. Immediately the cold started to settle into my whole being, only the spots where his skin had touched mine still burning like fire. The disappointment and hurt in his eyes were so all-consuming that I had to look away, threatened to be swallowed whole.

He took more steps back, seemingly wanting to get space between as while he ran his hands through his hair, jaw gritted. Every inch of space between us enlarged the hole in my chest and I balled my hands into fists, preventing myself from running forward and cling to him.  
When Dante finally spoke, chuckling humorlessly as if he couldn’t believe I was such a bitch, his voice was croaky, sounding more than just pained.   
“Goodbye, Lexi.”

Without one last look, he was gone and I collapsed on the floor. Slinging my arms around myself, I hugged my knees to my chest rocking back and forth, gasping for breath as the hole in my chest seemed to double in size. He was gone, most likely for good, just like I wanted him. My plan had worked out perfectly.  
But for what price?

Why does doing the right thing hurt so fucking bad?

* * *

 

Sometimes you have to burn the bridges to prevent yourself from making the same mistake twice.   
And that what I was doing now.

Yesterday, the first day I had gone back to training and two days after Dante and I´s conversation, I almost lost my shit in front of the whole training room. Lyssa approached him, a sly smile on her lips claiming she needed extra training to keep up with the class.   
Dante hadn’t spared me one glance the whole day, not even uttering one word to me. Despite knowing it would be like this, it still hurt, especially when he told her it wasn’t a problem and smiled at her. A real, genuine smile.  
I tried to keep my face expressionless but it´s needless to say that my knuckles were almost black after training ended, the jealousy burning a hole through my whole body.

So here I was now, in the bar I first spotted him, trying to prevent myself from doing something utterly stupid by doing something equally stupid. Maybe it was even worse, at least for me.  
My mind was still reeling from everything that had happened the last few weeks, meeting someone, choosing dauntless, beginning a forbidden affair and ending it in less than a month.  
If someone ever said to me developing feelings for another person could happen so fast, I would have laughed outright into his face.  
But now I knew better and considering my stupid plan, I asked myself countless times if I was going nuts by really doing this.

I despised doing this, but I didn’t to pay Dante back, no not at all. But if he started to hate me it would be so much easier for the both of us. Not to mention that it would save him in the end.   
Because by not associating with me, the target on his back would be gone. And when they would finally get me, it would be so much easier on everyone surrounding me if they were able to tell themselves just how fucked up I really was and that they´re better off without me.  
Only the truth...

Ordering a shot from Sal who gave me a warm smile, I downed it, disgusted with the strong liquor and myself. But it certainly would take the edge off long enough.

I knew he was there, watching me. After all, I could feel his gaze on my back, causing shivers to erupt all over my body, especially when it started to trace the exposed skin on my neck, my whole body heating up under his scrutiny.   
Waiting on the barstool, I ordered myself another drink, so close to throwing it up when I suddenly, finally felt a pair of lips caressing my bare skin while two broad arms slung themselves around my waist.  
“Miss me?”

Turning around, I plastered a fake smile on my lips as I came face to face with a smug looking Freddy. He only pulled me closer to him, burying his face in my neck. Grimacing, I had to suppress the violent urge to push him away, only being able to control my face when I looked up to see two burning eyes watching me intently, condemning me into the depths of hell.  
Dante was standing on a higher floor of the bar, jaw clenched as he squeezed the neck of his beer bottle to death, while Freddy was peppering light kisses onto my skin.   
Hurriedly adverting my eyes, I forced my lips into what I hoped was a genuine smile, before I pushed Freddy back to give him a real kiss. He started to moan when his lips met mine, his hands immediately wandering to the small of my back while I was so repulsed by myself I had to keep the bile down, that was rising in my throat.   
Luckily, Freddy being the simple-minded guy he was, drew back fairly quick, his smile sickly smug while he pulled me from the chair and out of the club.

I knew that Dante had seen every second of this act and that I had succeeded in my mission. From now on, he would despite me with his whole being and I couldn't even be mad about it.  
When Freddy pulled me closer, slinging his arm around my waist I knew there was no going back to before this all happened.  
That small glimpse of joy I had been granted being the only happiness I would ever experience.   
And now knowing what it was like, letting go of it was even harder than it had been before.  
But I had made my choice.

The last bridge had been burned down.

 


	17. chapter 16

**My shoes were dangling from my fingers** as I walked barefoot through the deserted hallways, the heels having hurt so bad I had to take them off after a while. I had left the bar with Freddy a few hours ago and was now strolling aimlessly through the compound, my dress slightly disheveled and my hair a mess.  
And even though I should, I couldn’t bring myself to head back to the dorms and get a few hours of sleep. I was deeply exhausted.   
Not just from all the incidents of the last few days but simply because I hadn’t been able to fall asleep ever since they had cut off the medication in the infirmary. And the sleep deprivation was taking its tolls on me, making me lose control in a situation I would have otherwise handled perfectly.   
And I hated every second of it.

A few days ago, I had tried snatching a sleeping pill from dad´s medicine cabinet because the thought of tossing and turning the whole night was pure agony for my exhausted mind. In that state, even just an hour of uninterrupted sleep would have been pure bliss for me. My brain wasn’t functioning properly anymore, running on the last fuse, which was the reason why dad had been able to come up behind me, without me noticing. After living under his roof for 18 years I had become pretty good at avoiding and sneaking around him but this time luck had run out for me.  
When he cleared his throat from behind my back, I almost dropped everything I had in my hands, only just managing to catch the bottles I had accidently pushed out of the cabinet before I froze on the spot, eyes clenched shut.

Cursing myself for being so stupid, I tried looking as innocent as possible when I turned around. All the meds in arms, I looked at him with big eyes as if to ask what was wrong. Dad only raised one eyebrow at my strangely meek behavior, before stepping forward and taking the bottles before I could drop them.  
“What do you think you´re doing?”

Only shrugging my shoulders, I snatched one of the bottles back, showing him the label. Dad looked at it for a long moment, before mustering me with his sharp gaze, contemplating if I was telling the truth or if he should punish me for daring to touch his precious cabinet. While his brain worked in overdrive, I shifted around, anxious to get away from him und his judging eyes. After a few moments that felt more like an eternity, Dad simply nodded, dismissing me and without a second thought, I scurried away, in my hand the headache pills.   
They had actually been pretty helpful because I felt a migraine developing behind my temples but the other pills still would have helped me more. Nothing better than to sleep a headache off.  
And despite not being able to shut my eyes for more than five minutes without waking up with a start, I refrained from going to the cabinet again because the way I knew dad, he had counted every single pill in every single bottle and would check them every day for one of them missing.

I don´t know if he would have been mad if he knew I was taking sneaking pills. Obviously knowing of my insomnia, I guessed not. But with my father, you don´t show weakness unless it is absolutely necessary. And I would rather have a few sleepless nights then being once again being a disappointment to my family, mostly my father.

And even though that incident had been rather unsettling, what happened in training had been way worse. Due to the incident, how my parents called it, I hadn’t been in attendance for one and a half weeks, meaning I had missed three fights, which was bad enough for my ranking. So instead of sitting another one out, I went into the ring.   
And my opponent just had to be Riley, the worst of them all.   
Ever since he had failed to stop his fight with Candy after she conceded, I had waited for my turn, to show him what the true meaning of pain was.   
Too bad that I wasn’t sure I would win in this state, much less teach him a lesson. But I stepped onto the mats either way, his smile that was supposed to intimidate me, only edging me on further.

Of course, he being the brute he is, Riley came forward first and my sleep deprived brain only managed to fend his attacks off for so long, dodging fist coming my way just fine, but not being able to predict his next move. Riley crouched down, his feet sweeping mine from beneath me and with that simple move, he sends me to do the floor. Not losing a second, he straddled me, caging me in and rendering me immobile under him, before smirking slyly.  
His hip was pressing into mine, sour breath fanning my face as he bowed his back to taunt me a little bit more, his impending victory almost unstoppable.  
The heaviness of Riley’s chest made it even harder for me to breathe and I felt my lungs constrict painfully.

Riley lowered his face slowly, his nose grazing my skin as he started to whisper an insult and the next thing I know is that someone was grabbing me by my hips, pulling me off him, while I struggled in the iron like grip.   
Theo tried restraining me, holding me in midair with my arms pressed against my torso. I tried to get him off me with flailing legs, the only thing clear in my mind, to inflict as much pain as possible.  
Only when my brother let go off me, almost flinging me through the room and I landed on hands and knees, did I realize I had lost my careful maintained composure in front of everyone, showing them my true nature.  
The faces of the dauntless born were frozen in various states of astonishment, caution and on some, you could clearly see fear. Everything because of me.  
Swaying my gaze over them, I meet the eyes of a certain someone who looked as if he´d wanted to say something. Not bothering to wait around and let them observe me like some kind of freak, I spun around, fleeing the room, my knuckles black, Riley’s face only a bloody mass as he writhed on the floor in clear anguish.  
Guess he still got what he deserved.

Rubbing my face, I groaned, extremely embarrassed by my behavior and everything that seemed to go wrong in my life, before I raised my head, only now realizing where I had wandered to.  
My bare feet created soft thuds on the glass floor as I looked down into the deserted pit, only a few drunkards left. The dark stone of the rocks looked rough and sharp as a candor´s tongue, even from where I was standing. The height was almost dizzying, as I looked down into the heart of our compound but unlike my uncle, who was still afraid to death of heights, I loved the thrill of it. The simple action of standing on a glass floor, which looked as if it would collapse any second made my heart beat faster, adrenaline pumping through my veins. It made me feel alive.

With mild interest, I realized, that I was near the fear landscape room where all the initiates would go through the final test in less than two months. Where the leaders and the highest-ranking members would see us live through our deepest and darkest fears, exposing secrets and possibly ruin lives.   
I chuckled humorlessly. If the leaders would have been strangers, I wouldn’t have given a damn that they could see what was driving my innermost soul, but the way things are right now, three of my closest family members as leaders, most likely even mom and the parents of my dead best friend would see everything I didn’t want to show them, what I kept for more than four years.   
Some of my fears I could predict, simulations I don´t want them to witness to keep their sanity. Or maybe just mine.   
I hoped they were as silly as my mom´s fear of clowns, but I guessed they would be more like memories.  
To keep one of those confidential has been a struggle for years and for it to become public would hurt so many people and all of them I loved.

Running a hand through my hair, I let out a deep breath too lost in my thoughts to realize it wasn’t usual, that there were any lights on in the landscape room at this time of the night. Clueless I walked on, but when I arrived in front of the glass wall that would separate the initiates here to take the final test, and the members, that watched on initiation day, I stopped short. Tilting my head, I watched the man in front of me with great interest.

My father was standing in the middle of the room, his arms on either side of his body, motionless except for the tensing and relaxing of his muscles, his fists clenching and unclenching he took deep, controlled breaths. An empty syringe on the floor beside him being the only clue to what was happening with him. Taking a few tentative steps forward, my eyes never left his rigid form as my father went through one fear after the other, the only indication that he was bothered by the simulation and what it may contain, being a small V-line between his brows.

I must have stood there for quite some time, as unmoving as he was, when dad suddenly took in a deep breath, his grey eyes snapping open and instantly finding mine.   
If dad was surprised to see me or anyone for that matter, he didn’t bother to show it. Raising his hand, he only beckoned me to come in and I reluctantly complied, slowly pushing open the glass door to step in. Dad had turned around, grabbing a bottle of water I hadn’t seen yet, before taking a huge gulp while I walked towards him.

Coming to a halt a few feet away from him, I crossed my arms, still holding my heels in one hand, I gave him an inquisitive look he countered with an expressionless one. But his facade lacked its normal aloofness, the cold that made everyone shy away from him.  
Putting the cap back onto the bottle, he mustered me.  
“Couldn´t sleep?” When I just shrugged my shoulders, neither agreeing nor disagreeing, dad nodded solemnly. “Yeah, me neither.”

The silence that spread between us wasn´t a comfortable one and I shifted around on my spot, trying to think of something that would break the awkwardness and lessen the tension that was building in the air. I hadn’t expected him to just shrug it off and be so understanding of me wandering around at such an ungodly hour.  
To be honest, I still waited for the lecture to come, followed by a month of mess hall duty that I would get as a punishment. But instead of becoming angry, dad stayed strangely quiet while he picked up the syringe, fiddling with it in his hands.  
He examined it closely for a few moments before raising his head to look at me, his mind far away, as if he was remembering something.

“I always had twelve fears, ever since coming here.” Freezing up, I blinked rapidly, staring at my father as if he´d grown a second head. Never and I mean never had I ever heard him talking about his fears. In fact, I knew he didn’t even tell mom what they were and they have been married for 26 years. And if I was right, he was going to tell me right now.

“In initiation, they were rather unspecific like the loss of control or fucking losing to your uncle.” Dad snorted, shaking his head while my jaw almost hit the floor. Despite being shocked, I couldn’t stop my lips from curling up, remembering the infamous stories my mother and aunt would tell us at every family celebration. How they fought in the middle of the pit when Toby found out, dad had fallen for my mother or that one time dauntless hosted a competition to test the physical abilities of its members and they were the last two standing. That was until they both passed out in the early hours of the night because they had been too stubborn to give up before the other one did.  
But instead of stopping there, dad went on.

“But of course they change. So shortly after Amy got pregnant with Theo and we married, one of my fears changed to losing them. Then when Harper was born it changed again, replacing the fear of sharks – don´t even ask-“ He shot me a stern glance and went on before I could protest. “with having to sacrifice them, my own children, for the good of the faction. You included after you were born.” Feeling a burn in my chest, I looked down, realizing where this was going. Not really wanting to hear about how the system was bigger than one single person, I hugged myself tighter when he went on.  
“I couldn’t, not once, bring myself to do it.”

Snapping my head up, I stared at my father wide-eyed. “I know, it´s supposed to be Faction before Blood but all of you come first. And you will, every single time.”  
Dad´s face was serious when he stepped forward, coming closer to me. I was, for once, thankful that I couldn’t reply because I didn’t have the slightest idea of what to say. Or even what to think. The person who should put his faction over everything basically just told me that our whole system was one big farce.  
But as if he hadn’t shocked me enough, dad went on.

“I always had twelve fears. Until the day you disappeared.” Dad shook his head, looking up at the ceiling while I lowered my head, feeling once again guilty for bringing all this anguish over them. All this pain and sorrow, caused by one person. And one person alone.

“The day Aurora came running to us, claiming you and Sam had been taken by factionless after you had a huge fight, I didn’t believe her. I mean, you two never fought, not once did I had to separate you two. Unlike you and Harper. God, I could have strangled you sometimes.” Dad huffed in annoyance, but a second later he started to smile, reminiscing the time where my biggest worries were how to tell Uncle T that I had taken his cake. Not that it was less risky than being attacked by a rabid dog. No, Toby´s cake was sacred and everyone touching it was in grave danger. That lead to a few amazing pranks from the twins, and I too, couldn’t help but smile a little while thinking of my uncle chasing his 12-year-olds through the whole compound because they had mixed chili paste into the frosting. But when dad ran his hand through his hair and sighed deeply, I was brought back into the present, waiting for him to go on.

“That you and Sam were as good as inseparable wasn’t the only reason I didn’t want to believe her. Because if those bastards really had managed to get their hands on my daughter it would have meant that I not only had failed as a leader but also as a father.   
But the worst thing is, is that I failed you.  
And that´s my thirteenth fear. Helplessly roaming through the city searching for you, while always fearing that I would be too late. This uncertainty, not knowing if you were still alive was the worst. And I´m sorry for not being able to save you, princess.”

Shaking my head forcefully, I tried to blink my tears away as I walked forward, touched by his openness, but also wanting him to stop blaming himself. There was a reason I never told anyone, who Edgar really was. They guilt of being related to him would have killed mom, while the knowledge that he had been part of the group of rebels my father had already captured once and failed to execute, would eat him alive. I knew best what guilt did to people and it wasn’t something I wanted for any of them.

Dad only smiled remorsefully and as he mustered me from head to toe and it was the first time in years that I didn’t get the feeling that he was judging me for who I was, who I had become. He only took my appearance in, which admittedly wasn’t the most put together right now. But after having Freddy all over me that was to be expected.

“The only thing easing the guilt that I feel for not being strong enough to protect you is, that you´re one of the bravest people I know.” When I loudly snorted, shaking my head in an exasperated manner, dad furrowed his brows, his expression turning even more serious.   
“It is the truth.”

Throwing him a look that clearly told him to cut the bullshit, dad only closed his eyes, pinching his nose. He breathed out deeply, while I gritted my jaw, not wanting to hear any false flattering’s from him.  
“Do you think, that if I would place any of your fellow initiates, dauntless born or transfer – hell even some of the members –“ His grey eyes were drilling in mine and I couldn’t help but listen to him, really listen. “Do you honestly think any one of them would survive if they were in the captivity of the factionless, before being abused for three months? No, they wouldn´t! Every single one of them would die in less than two weeks!  
I´m not going to stand here, declaring that I know exactly what you´ve been through because I don´t. And if you want me to be honest, I think for the sake of everyone in this compound it should stay this way.”  
Biting my lip, I had to agree with him. If dad would know only the tiniest bit of the nastier stuff, the next person looking at him the wrong way would be dead before he could say factionless.

Sensing my admission, dad smirked but like before this smile was quick to fade too. “I know you think most of the time, that I´m an awful person.” Raising his hand to quench my protest, I shriveled back, letting him continue. “But Alexis, if I thought handling you with velvet gloves would be best, that´s what I would do. But you´re a Coulter. You are braver and stronger than most people in this faction despite losing the person you loved like a brother. You are already following in your brother’s footsteps to become one of our best fighters despite still being in initiation. And like me, the best thing to get you going is to piss you off, to provoke your defiance. The fire inside you is what fuels your actions, the drive to make this city a better place.” Smiling, dad shook his head.” You´re just like your mother.  
And I am proud to call you my daughter.”

Shuffling with my bare feet on the floor, my gaze had been glued to my toes while I bit my lip, trying to keep the tears at bay that were flooding my eyes. But his last sentence, the words I had unknowingly craved all my life, made me raise my head and when I caught a glimpse of the almost soft expression that was adorning his face, I couldn’t stop the sob that was forcing its way out of my throat.  
I forcefully tried to brush the now freely falling tears away, but when dad did something so unexpected, all hope to pull myself together was lost.   
He opened his arms, telling me to come to him.  
And that´s just what I did.

Stepping into my father’s embrace, I buried my tearstained face in his chest in a way I hadn’t done in years. But despite all the years that lay in between these two occasion, the comfort they offered had stayed the same and just like I had with Dante, I felt completely safe in the arms of my father.  
But now, thinking about my instructor, his facial expression when I left the bar with another guy and everything I put him through made me sob harder, not even dad´s hand caressing the back of my head managing to calm me down.   
“I always knew there was a little amity inside you, Lexi.” He started, trying to help me pull myself together with little insider jokes. ”When you were ten and brought home a stray cat to nurse back to health your idiot cousins even made a bet that you´d transfer one day. And when you aimed for the amity bowl I would have liked to shoot you on spot.”  
Despite my tears, I chuckled alongside him because he wasn’t even that wrong. Amity would have been my second choice after all.

We stayed like that for what felt like hours, dad holding me while I cried in his arms. It was the first time since I broke my collarbone with eight years, after falling down a flight of stairs because I was arguing with my best friend about who should get the last piece of cake. In the end, I won, because I tripped over a rock on the pathway, tumbling down the stairs in the middle of the pit. Sam had refused to leave my side for hours, not even when the nurses treated me, gluing the bone back together. And even though he got sick after smelling the coppery odor of blood, he stayed where he was, always holding my hand.

Smiling at the bittersweet memory, I sniffed one last time before slightly pulling back, brushing the tears away from my blotchy face. Dad pressed a kiss to my forehead before mirroring my movements, letting go of me.   
“You know, I love you.” When he grimaced at how mushy he sounded, a loud laugh bubbled out of my chest and I nodded, smiling at my father because I loved him too. No matter how harsh or cruel he came over, his ulterior move had always been the happiness of his family. And even though I sometimes loathed him for his actions, my father had always been by my side, helping me when I needed help and kicking my ass when it was necessary.  
Despite hating to become emotional or talking about his fears, he had opened up to me tonight, just because he knew it would help me get over whatever I was dealing with.

But now I could see him trying to put his façade back on, which weirdly soothed me. I wasn’t used to this strange open version of my father and even though I appreciated his honesty and understanding, his normal behavior was way more predictable for me.   
So when he cleared his throat, I swiped my sleeve under my eyes, brushing away the last signs of tears before looking up at him.

“Since now everything has been said, I suggest you head back to the dorms and get a few hours of sleep, initiate. After all, you´ll start the sim´s tomorrow.”

Freezing in my spot, my mouth fell open as I looked at my father with big eyes. He only chuckled in response, guessing absolutely right, that I forgot all about it. With horror, I realized what this meant.  
One room, a syringe full of serum, my deepest fears, and Dante.

Fuck.

* * *

  
I skidded around the corner, dodging the people coming my way at full speed while I sprinted down the corridor towards the room where the simulations were held. Not wanting to sit there all day while the eyes of the dauntless born rested on me after losing it and sending Riley to the infirmary with a skull fracture, I had gone out for a small obstacle course through the city to shorten the waiting time. Maybe not the smartest idea after what had just happened but I needed the exercise to clear my mind after the heavy conversation last night and the sim I had to endure right now.

But me being the idiot I am, went too far and to top it all, fell through an unstable roof, into a building that looked like it could have been a fortress a few centuries ago. Impossible for someone to get in – or out.   
It took me almost 40 minutes of running through the building like a headless chicken to find a window that I could open and that was high enough to jump out of and not die.   
So now I was an hour late, hoping there still was someone inside the sim room to administer my first simulation.

With burning feet I finally arrived in the hallway we were supposed to wait, it was completely empty. But standing there, the key already in hand to lock the door was Dante, who looked at me aghast, almost angry.  
“Lexi! What the hell?! You should have been here hours ago!”

Supporting myself on the wall, I tried catching my breath while also trying to not flinch at his tone. Dante eyed me closely before shaking his head and pushing the door back open. Without bothering to wait or spare me another glance, he disappeared inside, leaving me to hurry after him while dusting off my clothes with scraped hands. Damn, I looked like hell.  
Softly opening the door, I stepped inside, taking in the room that would bring back so many nightmares.

Dante was too busy turning the machine back on, to pay me any attention so after hesitating for a few moments, I walked forward, taking a seat on the dentist-like chair, knowing this was the place I would face and hopefully conquer my worst fears. The padding was soft and the metal cool but the room faintly smelled like detergent and something sour.   
With disdain I realized someone most likely got so nauseous by his or her fear, they had to puke. Scrunching up my face, I hoped to not face the same destiny. But when did fate ever had mercy on me?

The only sounds in the room were the quiet buzzing of the machine that powered up and my still ragged breathing, that resonated through the small space. Closing my eyes, I leaned back against the headrest, letting my head fall back, breathing deeply through my nose. It soon helped to calm my racing heart and when Dante finally turned towards me a syringe in hand, my breathing was almost normal again.  
That was until I saw the needle.  
“You know the drill.”

I had never been a fan of injections but since I knew, what harm they could cause, I hated them with all my being. Eying the syringe carefully, my whole body tensed up the closer he came. Coming to a halt beside me, Dante slowly, grabbed my ponytail, moving it away from my neck.   
Knowing what was to come, I closed my eyes, trying to relax the tense muscles in my neck while my gripping the metal sides of the chair so hard, my fingers turned numb.   
Not bothering with any sterile wipes, like it was usual for dauntless, Dante pushed the needle into the soft skin of my neck and I winced, feeling the familiar burn of the fear serum entering my bloodstream.

“Be brave, Lexi.”  
Before I could open my eyes to look at him one last time, the serum had taken effect and I felt myself slipping out of consciousness and into the world where fear reigned our minds and bodies, the only consolation being his words.  
I would try.   
I would try to be brave.

* * *

  
I was kneeling on the floor, the hard concrete as cold as I remembered it to be, the familiar burn on my bound wrists caused by rough rope, while everything around me was dark. Raising my eyes, trying to see what was happening to me, I realized that there was a bag on my head, muffling the noises around me. But I could still hear them, leering and laughing at me for what felt like minutes.

I shifted on my spot on the floor to ease the discomfort in my knees but it only earned me a kick into the back and I fell forward, groaning. Before I could hit the floor, someone grabbed the bag, my hair inclusive and pulled me right back up.  
The moment I was upright again, the person pulled the sack off my head and I blinked rapidly, the sudden harsh light hurting my eyes. It took me a moment to get accustomed to the brightness of the bare light bulb but when I was finally able to take in my surroundings, all breath left my body.

The all too familiar room was crowded with men, factionless lining up all along the walls, their faces distorted into smirks and cruel expressions of anticipation, hunger. Letting my gaze flicker over them, I shuddered, wandering from side to side before it finally landed in the middle of the room where only two people were and I recoiled.

There, in the center of the circle consisting of factionless was Sam, kneeling on the floor just like me, his hair longer than usual, his body bloodied and bruised, marked by the lack of food and countless hours of abuse. But unlike me, his eyes still held hope, his stance defiance even though he was at Edgar’s mercy, who stood over him, hands clasped behind his back, a conciliatory smile on his face as he played god.  
Throwing a dice to decide who would die and who would live to tell the story.

“Lexi? Are you alright?” Sam´s voice was urgent, his face contorted in worry and I wanted to answer him, but a strange feeling held me back, keeping me from answering him verbally, so I just smile soothingly, nodding. Comforted by my reply, Sam exhaled deeply, his shoulders slumping down.  
I took the time observing my best friend, a strange feeling within my chest telling me I should savor this moment. Sam was still young, barely fourteen but he his body was toned, full of muscles even after weeks of malnourishment and abuse. His skin that was riddled with bruises still held that beautiful shade of brown, the darkness of his father being attenuated by his mother´s skin that was almost as light as her blonde hair. He had always been handsome and I had always been jealous of the girls he spent time with, being afraid one of them would take my place of his best friend. Now, I could only shake my head at this childish thought. Looking at him, I knew no one would have ever been able to separate us. Sam´s green eyes drilled into mine and I wanted to savor this moment, to savor this memory of him being in front of me, alive.

But once again, the presence of men in this room made it impossible to linger on one moment and my gaze was drawn to my uncle beside Sam, who strolled through the room like he had no care in the world. I watched with caution as Edgar raised his hands in a calming gesture, the men in the room instantly going quiet in response, hanging on every word he spoke as if he´s hypnotized them.

“We all know why we are here today. To sadly bid farewell one of our guests.” Edgar smiled ruefully gesturing towards us, his gaze landing on Sam who was watching him with guarded eyes, only shortly looking away to make sure I was alright. He always did that, putting my well being before his.

When Edgar walked towards one of his men, a strange sense of foreboding rose in my chest, an image suddenly appearing behind my eyes.   
This same room, Sam lying on the floor while I was pulled away, thrashing and screaming.

Again this room, but this time it was full of debris, wet, cold and dark as I crouched down right where I was kneeling now, to pick up the coin the factionless had taken away from Sam the day we had been abducted.  
Closing my eyes, I tried to bring my scrambled thought into order, to figure out what the hell was going on but a sudden increase of noise made me rip them open again.

Edgar had a vial in hand, the fluid glowing strangely purple, the intense color triggering some kind of memory and everything came flooding back to me. This was neither the present nor a vivid nightmare. It was a simulation, the exact replica of the happenings from four years prior, from the day my best friend died. I would like to say that it wasn’t real, but it used to be. This was the reality I was still hung up in.  
For me, this was happening over and over again. But like that first day, I couldn’t do anything.  
Saving Sam in a simulation may have made me feel joyous for a few short seconds, but the moment I got back into reality, the knowledge that I hadn’t saved him for real would just hurt more.  
Such much more.

So I watched, how Edgar stepped forward with the syringe in hand, telling us some bullshit about how it was for the good of the cause, that they had to make sacrifices. As if they wouldn’t enjoy the pain they were inflicting on me and others with what he was about to do, as if it wasn’t their sole cause of existence to make me regret ever being born.   
The only difference between then and now was, that I knew I couldn’t do anything, nothing to lessen the blow of losing someone so special and nothing to make this easier for Sam, so instead of fighting to get to him, crying and thrashing around like I once did, I stayed silent where I was.

But like yesterday, I couldn’t hold the traitorous tears in that threatened to spill over and Sam´s eyes softened, his smile supposed to soothe me because we both knew what was going to happen. It was obvious.  
“Lexi, everything is going to be okay. I promise.”

His encouraging words once again weren’t able to console me and I wished I could have closed my eyes, not having to watch again how Edgar pushed the needle into the skin of his neck, pushing the plunger down.   
Sam was still kneeling on the floor but the second the death serum was injected into his bloodstream, his face contorted in pain, small beads of sweat gathering on his forehead as his breathing visibly got labored. But he was still looking into my tear-filled eyes, a tortured smile on his lips.   
“Lexi.”

My name was the last word he spoke before doubling over, falling to the floor were he gasped for air, his back arching when he started thrashing around, his body trying to fight the poison running through his veins, his mouth foaming as he literally choked to death.   
But the fight was futile and with one last tortured rising of his chest, Sam´s last breath left his body, while I turned my head away from the scene in front od me, closing my eyes.  
The last thing I heard before closing my eyes and wishing myself far, far away, pushing the image of this room as far away as possible, was Edgar and his bullshit excuses he used to justify the murder he just committed.

“We both know there was no other way, my dear. There never was and never will be.”

* * *

 

I came back to reality with a start. Bending forward, I tried catching my breath and calm my racing heart down, only now realizing I had been gripping the chair the whole time. Letting out a deep breath, I forced myself to calm down but a movement to my left let me jump up and I moved away before Dante could reach me and touch my arm.   
Ashamed with myself, I brushed the tears from my face, trying to be inconspicuous about it but my sniffling gave me away and before I could do anything against it, Dante had slung his hands around my waist, pulling me back into his chest. Hunching my shoulders, I turned my head to the side, closing my eyes when I felt him laying his head against mine. Letting out a shuddering breath, I hiccupped, not being able to get the image of Sam dying out of my head. Laying my hands over Dante´s that were on my midsection, I pushed back into him, needing the comfort his embrace was offering me in that moment.   
“I´m sorry…”

Shaking my head, I stopped him from going on by retracting my hands. Getting the hint, Dante sighed but pulled back, slowly retreating back to his station while I doubled over, trying to get my composure back. I heard him tipping something, most likely my time and results from the sim, everything around us falling into silence that was only disrupted by my attempts to pull myself together. It took him a minute to speak again, Dante´s voice being forcefully collected when he addressed me once again.  
“What was his name?”  
Instantly realizing his mistake Dante huffed, annoyed by either himself or my silence before muttering something that sounded awfully like “Never mind.”

Rubbing my sleeves over my eyes one last time I turned around, watching how Dante tipped around on the machine, shaking his head while muttering to himself. I had no idea what he was saying but it sounded awful like cursing.

“Sam.” Clearing my throat, I tried to make my voice sound less croaky while Dante froze on his spot, his body going rigid. “His name was Sam and it was my fault he died.”

Turning around slowly, Dante´s face was contorted in astonishment and disbelief as he mustered me, his mouth opening and closing, obviously trying to find out if his brain deceived him or if I had really just spoken to him. Coming to the conclusion that I indeed just said something, he replied, his answer not one I had anticipated. Not at all.  
“Bullshit.”

Raising my eyebrows in incredulity, I blinked rapidly. “Excuse me?!”

“No.” Returning my glare with one of his own, Dante stepped closer, straightening up to his full height. “You declaring everything that happened to you two was your fault is bullshit, Lexi.”

“You have no idea what you´re talking about!” My reply was only a hiss and Dante narrowed his eyes at me, obviously as agitated by the whole situation as I was.

“Oh really?” His tone was full on mocking and for a second I wished nothing more than to slap the condescending smile of his face. In fact, I almost did. “Tell me, what could a fourteen-year-old girl do against that room full of men I just saw?”

Not liking the tone he was using, I took a step closer, eyes blazing fire. “Something. I could have done something.”

Huffing, Dante rolled his eyes and I balled my fists, my father’s upbringing taunting me to just hit him but I took a deep breath, going on with a forcefully calm voice. “I may not have been able to do anything against all these men but the second I decided to react like a spoiled little girl the day they took us, running away because he hurt my feelings, I sealed his fate.  
So yes! It is my fault and I just as well could have been the one giving him the injection!   
I killed my best friend!”

Not being able to hold back tears, I angrily brushed them away, the fury inside me threatening to close up my throat and Dante watching me like a hurt puppy didn’t make it any better. His anger seemed to have evaporated and I didn’t like it. I would rather have him screaming at me than seeing the expression that now adorned his face.  
“Don´t look at me like that!”

“Like what?!” Throwing his arms into the air, Dante huffed annoyed, rolling his eyes is exasperation. “Can´t I feel for you?!”

“You´re feeling sorry for me, so no!”

“I fucking don´t, Lexi! You obviously don´t understand that there is a difference between pity and empathy.” Fighting back the urge to bite his finger, I glared at him. Again with his patronizing tone, as if I must be stupid just because I didn’t come from erudite. Not all dauntless are knuckleheads or brutes!  
“What you don´t understand is, is that it´s all the same! You have no idea what it´s like to be a walking disappointment! To see the expression on your parents face… “

But before I could go on, Dante had stepped forward, his eyes full of fury as he pointed his finger right at my face and for the first time I saw the rage boiling beneath the surface, nothing left of his loving nature and calm demeanor. “You know nothing about being a disappointment, Lexi! Your parents were always there for you, helping and supporting you. So don´t even try to tell me what being the biggest regret of your parent's life feels like because you have no idea!”

Recoiling, I watched as Dante turned away from me, raking his hands through his hair, pulling until he almost ripped them out as he tried to calm himself down. The silence between us stretched painfully and after a tense minute, I couldn’t stand it anymore. So I asked the question that was bothering me since the beginning of our dysfunctional relationship.  
“Why would you even fucking care?! It´s not like I´m a nice person, Dante. In fact, I am most likely the worst person you will ever know! So why, Dante? Why?”

Staring at me as if I was senile, Dante suddenly grabbed the stool, hurling it across the room where it smashed against the wall, the sound of something metal breaking. Being so used to my father´s tantrums I didn’t even bat an eye, but when he turned back nothing could have prepared me for what came next.

“Because I´m in love with you!” The words hit me like a ton of bricks, right into my chest and I staggered back, all breath leaving my body as I stared at him like something out of another dimension. A freak. “I fucking love you, Lexi.”

The defeat in his voice made it even harder to catch my breath and I pressed my hands against my chest, shaking my head frantically, my voice choking up.  
“You can´t! You… you can´t!”

The disappointment he tried to hide as soon as it crossed his face was like a dagger turning inside my chest, but Dante only chuckled humorlessly, his expression turning mockingly. “Why? Because I´m not good enough for you?”

“NO! Because you are going to die!” I yelled at him, my shaky knees not being able to support me any longer buckled beneath me and I fell to the floor, burying my face in hands, muffling my cries. “They will kill you and it will be because of me! Why can´t you understand that?!”

Before I could do anything else than sob, Dante was already in front of my on his knees, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. As if I hadn’t cried enough in the last 24 hours, I sobbed in his arms. My head was buried in his neck as Dante just held me, unbothered by my hands that clawed at him, pulling him as close as it could get, desperate to feel that he was okay. That the bullet in the alleyway hadn’t killed him and I just couldn’t fathom it because I was going insane.  
His fingers threaded through my hair and after letting me cry for a few minutes, he pulled back a little, looking into my face.  
“What are you talking about, Lex?”

Closing my eyes, I let my forehead fall against his, ready to tell him the truth. Even if he would leave me after, he deserved it. “If they suspect you mean something to me, they will target you to hurt me. And I can´t loose you!” Placing my hands on either side of his face, I looked him right into the eyes, the tears blurring my vision but the brown was still there, as calm as the earth. “I can´t lose you, too!”

Dante´s eyes flitted over my face and registering the despair I was feeling he did something I didn´t see coming. Not after everything I put him through. Pulling my head closer, he placed his lips on mine but the sweet gentle kiss soon turned desperate when I pressed myself against him, my hands buried in his hair.   
But as soon as it started, it stopped again and Dante pulled back. Running the back of his hand over my face, he watched me with what I knew was newfound understanding. Because now he knew why I did everything I did.   
“It changes nothing. Not my feelings, nor the way I will treat you, Lexi. I´m a grown ass man that is able to take care of himself. So if you make a decision for me the next time, I want you to realize that.  
I´m not a fourteen-year-old boy and I promise you that I would have been able to kill half of the men in that room before they would have been able to kill me. I can defend myself and you should never let the fear of losing me or the fear of not being good enough ruining what we have. Because I would rather die than losing you, Lexi.”

Shaking my head, the guilt almost consumed me. Everything I touched, everything I tried to do right, somehow turned wrong. And instead of confiding in the people I loved most, I pushed them away under the pretense to do what is best for them. I had no idea how I did it, but I managed to fuck every good thing in my life up.  
“I´m such an awful person…”

Chuckling, Dante´s chest vibrated under my hands, as he looked into my eyes, one eyebrow raised. “You can be if you want to…”

His reply made the things I did not any less awful and I looked down in shame, fiddling with his shirt anxiously, still awkwardly sitting on his lap, while he was still kneeling on the concrete floor. And right then, there were two things I had to tell him. “You know I didn’t mean what I said… or not said in the training room… I do have feelings for you… Actually a lot of feelings…”

Not looking up, I just felt his gaze drilling holes into my face, as I anxiously awaited his reply, but at the same time was afraid to hear it. “I know.”

Letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, I went on. “And I didn’t sleep with Freddy…”

Dante stiffened beneath me, his hands now firmly gripping my waist, pulling me further into him. Knowing, I couldn’t hide any longer I looked up, expression remorseful when I saw his face harden.   
“I know.”

My eyes went wide, when he suddenly started to chuckle, raising his eyebrow at me. “Lexi, you looked as if you´d puke all over him any minute. If you want to deceive me you better try harder, princess.”

I grimaced, both because of the memory and the nickname he just gave me. ”Don´t call me princess, please…”

“Alright, Lex. Whatever you say.” I mockingly glared at him, but when all traces of amusement disappeared and he looked back up, something in me clenched painfully. “Why did you do it..? I never understood why you´d ever choose him but why would you even feel the need to push me so far away from you?”

Exhaling deeply, I bit my lip, not really wanting to tell him. But I owed it him, to be honest, so I closed my eyes and answered him quietly. “I wanted you to hate me.”

Recoiling, Dante looked at me incredulously, his eyes searching for a sign that I wasn’t serious. That I was kidding, but I wasn’t. “Why would you do that?”

Grimacing, I ran my hand over his shoulder, sighing deeply while trying to put my thoughts into order. I had no idea how I should explain this trail of thoughts to him and suddenly, I felt stupid. “I thought it would be easier for you if you´d hate me…”

“Make what easier?”

“I don´t know… But if you´d hate me you couldn’t get hurt because of me.”

“Lexi.” Now it was his turn to sigh and Dante raised my head with one finger, looking deeply into my eyes before giving me a small, genuine smile. “It would be a privilege to get my heart broken by you. And do you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.” Dante´s smile made my heart flutter in the best way possible and I couldn’t help but match it with one of my own.

“Say it again.” Leaning my forehead against his, I slung my hands around Dante´s shoulders, letting his words warm the innermost of my being with my eyes closed, his voice touching places, I thought had died long ago.   
“I love you.”

Pressing my lips against his, I could feel the smile that threatened to split his face in two and I mirrored it, capturing his bottom lips with my teeth, pulling it back. Dante groaned beneath me and I raised my hand to caress his cheek, the five-o´clock shadow prickling beneath my fingers.   
“You know that I… That I… feel the same way about you?”

Raising an eyebrow, Dante looked at me in half amusement, his lips twitching. “You can´t say that you love me, but you still do?”

“Yeah…” Trailing off, I realized how stupid it sounded but like always, Dante seemed to understand my reluctance. “I just… I don´t want to jinx it, you know…?”

Pleading at him to understand my point of view, the smile that graced his face took a huge burden off my chest and bit my lip, preventing myself from looking like a complete idiot by smiling like a Cheshire cat.

“For now it´s more than enough that you speak to me. Your voice is so beautiful.” Grimacing, I looked up at him, the thought of people gushing about me speaking again making me deeply anxious.

“Please don´t make a fuss about it.” Squishing my cheeks, Dante laughed at my fish lips, pressing a small kiss to them while I glared at him. Talk about being treated like a toddler.

“Don´t worry, I won´t.” Pushing me off his lap gently, Dante got up, groaning because his legs must hurt after kneeling for so long, before he stretched one arm out, pulling me up. I gripped it thankfully, but the fast movement made my head spin and I slumped against him, my hands gripping his shirt to keep me upright.

“Lexi!” Dante´s voice was reproachful as he grabbed my waist, pulling me into him. “How long have you gone without sleeping or something to eat?!”

“Dunno.” Closing my eyes, I leaned against his chest, inhaling deeply, his scent fogging my brain. “A week or so.”

“You´re impossible!” Dante huffed, pulling me closer to him because I was too tired and honestly way too lazy to stand on my own.

“Is that why you love me?” I couldn’t help but taunt him a little, distracting him from being angry at me because I didn’t take care of myself. And it worked.   
Dante chuckled, pressing a kiss to my forehead before sweeping me into his arms, my legs dangling freely in the air.

“Yes, my love. It is.” With that he threw open the door, carrying me as he walked into the hallway.

“So you´re now carrying me through thresholds?” I laughed, looking up at Dante with my head lying on his shoulder. He threw his head back and laughed loudly at my insinuation.

“I think it´s a little too soon to talk about marriage, don´t you?” His eyes twinkled with mischief and I let my head fall back, pretending to think about it as I played with the hair on his nape.

“Well, if you can convince daddy…” I purposely trailed off, watching how his face turned several shades whiter, before breaking into laughter, choking on my words. “Just kidding!”

“Is there any way to still get rid of you?” Dante grumbled, his face now an adoringly shade of red as he came to a halt before we reached the more crowded hallways and put me on my own feet. Melting into his side, I trailed my hand along Dante´s cheek, pulling him in for a short kiss.

“I fear not.” And as he smiled down at me and I got lost in his beautiful eyes, I started to think that maybe, just maybe, everything would turn out to be alright.

As long as Dante was by my side.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is like the ultimate chapter. So fucking long :D almost 9000 words... I could have easily split it in two but I wanted to give you the whole thing, full of emotion and sweet little moments. I still don´t have my PC back but I think it will be soon!  
> I also hope that you liked the chapter & don’t think it´s too mushy for dauntless, but some things had to happen to give Lexi her voice back. I guess this is what you were all waiting for :D   
> And don´t worry, their relationship will get a little calmer but there are always the other sims!
> 
> Thank you for reading & reviewing, you´re the best! :)


	18. Chapter 17

**The sound of my impatient knocking resonated through the hallway** as I tensely bobbed on my feet, the anticipation rising high as I waited. It didn’t take long for someone to open the door and when he did, I pushed passed him, storming into the flat without regarding the man in front of me.

“Hello, Lexi. Why don´t you come in, Lexi?”

 

George raised one eyebrow at me, still holding the door open, before gingerly closing it. But he wasn't really mad. After all, he was used to my antics. Swaying my gaze through the room, I threw him a slightly impatient, slightly angered look that made him roll his eyes.

“He´s changing right now, should be out any minu… And there he is.”

 

Whirling around, I almost flew through the room and into his arms, before he heaved me up, whirling me around. Coming to a stop after I was dizzy enough, Amar laughed loudly, pressing a kiss to my head, before holding me away from him to muster me from head to toe.

“God, I missed you.” Smiling warmly, he suddenly narrowed his eyes a little, his fingers poking my belly. “But is that a little pouch you got there?”

 

Pulling back, I laid my hands on what I thought to be a flat stomach, shocked and a little bit offended by his remark. I had always been skinny but now I was worried.

Thinking about eating, it was true that Dante had stuffed me the last week, obviously wanting to make up for the pounds I lost while not getting enough nutrition as he called it. I called it being fucked up. But despite that involuntary fast maybe I had overdone it a little with the cake…

The sound of throaty laughter pulled me out of my reverie and I realized Amar had played me like he always did. Glaring at him, I crossed my arms.

“Well, I didn’t miss you _or_ your jokes!”

Like in slow motion, both of their faces froze and they stared at me, the mug in George’s hand slowly slipping from his grip. The sound of porcelain shattering against the tiles brought them back to the present and without missing another beat, Amar pulled me back into him, almost crushing me with his tight grip, while George shrieked and jumped away from the hot water that was splashing all over his feet.

“I knew you´d get back to me, I just knew it.”

 

"Yeah, yeah." Struggling to breathe, I tried pushing his arms away. "But if you choke me to death all that suffering will have been for nothing.”

 

But instead of releasing me like I prayed he would, Amar held me close for another few moments, before stepping finally back. I grimaced, my whole body feeling like I had been put through the ringer. And that´s what he called a hug.

Despite being three years older than my father, Amar still was one of our best fighters and something akin to my mentor. He had been close to my uncle, while he went through initiation and even though I had already been pretty good at fighting, he had been the one to perfect my routines with countless hours of torture. All the `Jedi-move´s´ like Theo called them, had helped me win more than one fight and I learned them all from him. With his warm smile and the Zen-like attitude, you would never think Amar could sweep through an army of enemy’s like a tornado, bodies littering the path he took like I had seen it more than once. Of course, these had been mock fights but I held no doubt in mind that it would be the same in a real one.

This mixture of thoughtful, balanced and deadly was, what made him one of dauntless´ best men and the leading officer when dad once again sent them to scoop an unknown or dangerous territory out. Amar had been away these last few weeks on one of those missions and I was impatiently waiting to hear where they had gone.

This had soon become a routine and I was sure, missing training would be worth it.

 

Sitting on the bench with knees drawn close to my chest, I tightly clutched the hot cup of tea, waiting for Amar to start speaking. He was sitting on the opposite side of the table, one hand intertwined with George´s, who was looking at him adoringly. After 20 years of marriage, those two were still sickeningly sweet and I tried hiding my grimace behind the cup, as they started kissing. But of course, being the ninja he is, Amar caught up on it.

“Pull that face on more time, young lady, and I´m going to whoop your ass to the moon and back when you finally show me what that instructor of yours taught in the last few weeks.”

 

I felt the heat rise in my cheeks as I remembered _what exactly_ that instructor of mine taught me last night but before I could start pondering about that, I set down my mug on the table. If I didn’t want to start drooling, I had to think about something else fast.

"Well, then maybe you should start telling me what I want to hear, instead of making out in front of me.”

 

Raising one eyebrow, Amar leaned back in his chair, feet crossed beneath the table. “And what is so wrong about making out, my dear? From what I heard you quite like to do that, too, so what´s the difference?”

 

“Nothing, but you´re so…” Shaking my head, I tried to find a non-insulting reply but when I came up with nothing, I just raised my hands in an exaggerate manner, praying for him to let it go. But of course, they didn't.

 

“We´re what, Lexi?” George tried to suppress a smile, but I could see the twinkle in his gentle eyes, that were surrounded by laughter lines, as he thrived on my misery.

 

“You´re so… old!” Instead of being insulted by my remark, they both just started laughing while I blushed deep red, embarrassed once again. Huffing, I picked the mug back up, taking a huge gulp to overplay it and instantly burned my tongue on the hot water. It just reminded me why I hate tea.

 

“My sweet little summer child, love has no expiration date.” Amar lectured, while watching me with a soft expression on his face, their hands still intertwined on the table, the tattoos on their ring fingers already a little faded by the time.

 

“I know.” Grumbling, I played with the mug handle. “But it´s like walking in on my parents screwing.” Shuddering, I thought about the frosting incident that took place a few years ago and scarred me for life. “It´s nothing any child would want to see.”

 

 

 

Laughing, Amar pressed a kiss to George´s hand, as he stood up to fetch more things to eat. As if the two different type´s of cookies, the bread rolls, and the nachos weren´t enough already. I swear, if dauntless wouldn’t work out so much you could roll them through the compound.

“So…” Amar started, mischief twinkling behind the serious mask he wore. “Do you want to know what struggles I faced on my adventures, or do you want to talk how Eric licked chocolate frosting out of Amy´s navel?”

 

I glared at Amar, who did his best to suppress his laughter, thinking himself to be extraordinarily funny. Well, he wasn't the one who had to see this. I was supposed to sleep at Sam´s but forgot my favorite plush toy, so when I came back storming into our apartment, there they were in the kitchen with a full bowl of frosting. With eleven, you very much know what you´re parents were doing behind closed doors especially in dauntless but it didn’t mean, I want to witness it. I don´t think I ever left a room that fast.

“Go to hell.”

 

“Lexi.” Amar´s tone was warning and as I looked up, I was met with a stern gaze. Not wanting to anger him, I quickly bit my lip, mumbling a quiet ´ _Sorry_ ´, once again stunned how fast he could go from joking godfather to intimidating instructor.

Amar was pretty big on respect, having his knowledge about meditation and ancient fighting techniques from old books he had read still being in erudite. After transferring to dauntless he had deepened his research and developed his own values by adapting the ones from old fighting masters, whose students called them sensei and fought with special swords I would like to try myself, and people called Buddhists, who valued every single living being and thought people of different upbringing to be worth the same.

By being aware of himself and everything around him, Amar was able to stay calm and collected in every situation, which I envied him immensely for. He had tried to teach me meditation countless times but I was just too fidgety and my mind too full of shit, as that I was able to shut down completely.

So while he sat beside me like a statue, I always had one eye cracked open, inconspicuously watching the people around me until a smack to the back of my head reminded me why I was here and I scurried to close them again. This complete self-control, paired with his unique fighting style made Amar pretty much deadly.

 

“Would you please tell me?” Trying to make my voice sound meek I pouted at him, knowing his compassion was his weak spot. Sighing deeply, Amar braced his elbows on the table, rubbing over the stubble on his face.

 

“We, my men and me, were sent to skirt out the surroundings of the city. We went into the X-zone.”

 

Placing my feet on the floor so fast, I almost fell off the bench, I stared at Amar with wide eyes. The X-zone lay behind the fence and way behind the amity farms. It was a half-a-day drive away and the last time, anyone from the city went there was, when my father escorted the factionless rebels there, to let them rot in the wilderness.

“ _You did what?!_ ”

 

“We went into the X-zone.” Nodding deep in thought, Amar pressed his fingertips against one another, his face thoughtful. “Your father thought it would be good to know what´s out there in case of an emergency. He wanted to know if someone would have been able to get in or out of the city unnoticed and we indeed found something interesting…”

As he trailed off, the tension inside me rose and I looked at him with big eyes, my voice quiet, almost breathless as I asked.

“What? What did you find?”

 

“An old camp, but it must have been abandoned years ago.” He trailed one finger over the desk, eyes glued to my face.

 

“Oh, alright.” Shifting on my spot, I asked myself if it was where Edgar and his men had been residing before they came back into the city all these years ago.

 

"Yeah, but something was strange about it." Seeing my questioning gaze, Amar went on, tracing his bottom lip with his thumb. "Even though we knew it was the camp of the factionless we banned from the city, there were no signs of living and the graves we found there was only a fraction of the rebels we send out there.”

 

“Is that so?” I trailed off, not meeting his inquisitor gaze. I knew exactly where they went, but had no desire to tell him that. Not now and not anytime soon. When I looked up, Amar was leaning back in his chair, observing me quietly. I felt his dark eyes bore into me, but even though he was much gentler than my father, I still felt the need to run, to hide from his ability to read me so easily.

“Yes, it is. So either they moved further away from the city… Or they found a way back in.”

 

We sat there in silence, me pondering about what Amar knew or thought to knew, while he himself observed my body language, most likely getting a better idea of what I was thinking _or fearing_ with each passing second. The tension steadily rose between us and I shifted on my spot, wanting the awkwardness to pass.

Amar just opened his mouth, when George came back, wearing an apron as he placed plates full of steaming soup in front of us, before leaving again to fetch a bowl of bread singing like he planned to perform at the opera. His ridiculous performance effectively let every trace of the uncomfortableness vanish and I knew this hadn’t been involuntary. Grabbing the spoon, my mentor threw me a wink, laughing silently at his husband’s antics as he brought it to his lips, blowing at the fluid to cool it down.

“Enjoy your meal, that was made with nothing but love.”

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Stepping into the training room where my fellow initiates were pummeling the punching bags, I was greeted by an angry Dante that came striding over as soon as he saw me. Stopping only inches away from my face he crossed his arms, glaring at me.

“You missed almost the whole day of training! Where the fuck have you been?” Lowering his voice, he added, his voice forceful. “I mean after you left the flat you just vanished into thin air! That´s not okay…!”

 

Dante trailed off, his gaze aimed at something behind me and when two heavy hands landed on my shoulders, pulling back into a sturdy chest I knew he had spotted Amar. Pulling me into his side, the older man shook me a little before addressing Dante. “Don´t worry, she was with me the whole time. We had to catch up a little, my flower and I.”

 

When Dante threw me an inquisitive look I just smiled apologetically. I didn’t want to anger or worry him but when I had heard at breakfast that Amar was back, I just had to go search for him.

 

“Well, Sir.” Dante started slightly irritated. “I mean no disrespect but Lexi is still my initiate and training is mandatory.” As my ´instructor´ turned towards me, I realized this wasn’t the end of it and that I would hear a lot more of this later one. Maybe a little hand action could pacify him… “Go to the bags, you already missed enough as it is.” Or not.

 

I complied and tried to walk away, but Amar pulled me back into his side, turning towards Dante. “I´ve been training initiates long before you were born, son. And Lexi here already knows everything you could know about punching a lifeless object. After all her father is quite known for punching holes into walls.” He threw me a wink. “As do many of these other idiots you have there. Round them up, we´re going to meditate a little. It´s good for those hotheads. Maybe followed by a little Yoga. You´d be surprised what that can do for you.” With that Amar left us standing there as he walked to the middle of the room, unbothered by Dante´s unbelieving stare that followed him all the way.

 

“Meditation? _Yoga?!_ ” Seeing his flabbergasted face, I couldn’t help but laugh quietly. “This isn’t fucking amity.”

 

“Just do as you´re told, _son_. It´s not _that_ bad.” I had turned my back to the others, while I mocked him to not let them see me talking. It was still strange seeing all their reactions and I wasn’t ready being swamped. Seeing the glare Dante threw me as a response, I pouted and mouthed a quiet “ _Sorry_ ” before going to join Amar, who was already sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room.

Flogging down, I mirrored his stance and was soon joined by Avery, Ivy, and Owen who were laughing about something stupid once again. Nodding along to their stories, I impatiently waited for our lesson to start because I knew afterward every single muscle in my body would hurt and I couldn’t wait to see Dante trying out a few of those yoga stances. After all, poses that included dogs weren’t that foreign to him.

When Amar sensed the impatience radiating off me, he only shook his head, knowing that I wanted to see them all humiliated. “Patience, young grasshopper. Your time will come.”

 

The stupid nickname earned him a glare. I had always detested that one and to my chagrin, Dante had just arrived beside him, his lips curling up into a sinister smirk as he saw my expression.

Speaking up, Amar started the lesson he had prepared for the today (or not), while I couldn’t help but staring at Dante who was sitting exact on the opposite side of me. Thinking about all those half suggestive yoga poses, I couldn’t help but smirk.

This was going to be a long session for him.

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Coming out of a gruesome workout that accompanied by a lot of swearing, a few overstretched muscles and one or two bulges to hide, I got up, enjoying the delicious stretch of my muscles. I had almost forgotten how far Amar was always taking his training and had to snicker over the endurance of mostly the male initiates that were now limping out of the room.

I stayed back with Dante who came to a halt besides me, while Amar was talking to one of the members that came in after training to welcome him back home. My lovely instructor was now facing me, almost glaring as he once again adjusted himself like he had done several times throughout the hour.

“You did that on purpose!”

 

“Did what?” Furrowing my brow, I tried to appear innocent but I knew he wasn’t buying any of it so I took it a step further. “I was just participating like the good little student I am. I actually had no idea I could move my leg so far upwards, did you see that?”

 

“Fuck, Lexi!” Dante groaned, pulling his hair. “Can´t you see you´re killing me here?”

 

Biting my lip, I tilted my head, raking my gaze all over his body. “I can´t see how.”

 

Exhaling deeply, Dante suddenly pulled himself together and took a step forward, his eyes sparkling dangerously, his voice low. “If I´d known you´re _that_ flexible there would have been some things I had tried ages ago!”

 

“Oh really? And what did you had in mind?” Leaning forwards, I almost missed the bobbing of his Adam's apple as he gulped heavily and I moistened my lips, my throat suddenly dry. I didn't realize how close we were standing or that our breathing sped up until Amar suddenly appeared by my side, bumping into my shoulder.

His presence acted like a bucket of ice water and I immediately drew back, feeling how my cheeks heated up, the naughty thoughts still ghosting around in my head.

 

To not embarrass myself any further and tone the awkwardness down a little, I turned to introduce Amar to Dante because even though he certainly had heard of him, he surely had never talked to him.

“That´s Amar.” Gesturing towards him, I knew I had to elaborate a little. “He´s like my godfather. Or if you take his gayness into account you could also say fairy godmother.” My smart remark only earned me a smack to the back of my head and a mumbled ´careful´ before Amar turned to the man who was now holding the same position he had so many years ago.

 

“So you´re Lexi´s instructor?” When Dante answered him with a ´Yes, Sir´, Amar nodded, observing him from head to toe. “And are there things you teach her outside that bedroom of yours?”

 

“Amar!” My exclamation turned onto deaf ears as he just shrugged his shoulders and took a step forward. Straightening up he rose to his whole weight in front of Dante, his stance supposed to be intimidating. For me, it worked.

 

“Listen here, young friend. I assume you´re part of the reason she talks again so I´m not going to hurt you now. But if I find out you broke her heart, I will break both of your legs. Do you understand me?”

 

“Of course, Sir.” Dante was looking him square in the eye, not the least bothered by his threat. But suddenly, as if this didn’t faze him at all his lips quirked and he started to smirk. “But if I may say this: It´s not her heart you should worry about.”

 

“Well…” Letting his gaze flick from me to Dante, Amar scrunched his face up. “I guess you´re right. Little Lexi here has always been a little spitfire. I think I may like you. Well at least more than that little scumbag of patrol officer she used to go home with every other night.”

 

Chuckling, Dante nodded his head. “Yeah, he was awful. Lex here just had to develop some taste, you know.”

 

“Hey! I´m still here, you know!” Instead of listening to my outraged complaint, they just laughed on, Amar even patting his shoulder. Annoyed by their behavior, I pushed Dante away before crossing my arms. He just laughed and came back, slinging one arm around my waist but not before flicking my nose. I swatted his hands away but didn’t object when he pulled me closer and buried his nose in my hair.

Amar was watching our small display of affection with an ever-growing smile and he winked at me as he retreated, walking towards the exit.

But before leaving, he turned around one last time.

"You know what I´m going to do now, Lexi?" When I shrugged my shoulders he laughed loudly. "I´m going to screw my husband because I´m not too OLD to do it!"

 

Seeing my grimace and Dante´s shocked face, he laughed even louder. “Paybacks a bitch, dear!” With that he was out the door, the sound of it slamming shut behind him resonating through the room.

Groaning, I buried my head in Dante´s chest, trying to get _that_ image out of my head. Yuck!

 

“Oh my god, the pictures don´t stop! That was like the biggest turn off ever!” When Dante didn´t reply for a while, I drew back, observing his face worriedly. He seemed devastated and my stomach turned into a knot because I had no idea what was wrong or what could have gone wrong in such a short time.

“Dante?! What is it?!”

 

His lips curled down and he pouted sadly as he placed his hands on either side of my waist. “So you´re telling me that we now can´t try how far I can pin your leg against the wall while fucking you into eternity?”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I screeched, pushing him away from me. “I thought someone fucking died!”

 

“Well, someone…” He gestured towards his crotch where a very visible bulge sat. “will die soon. Death caused by a serious case of blue balls. Come on, Lexi. Not even you can be that cruel!”

 

“Go screw yourself.” Trying to suppress a smile because even though he was ridiculous, his argumentation was still so convincing as if he´d presented a slide show in erudite, I just turned and walked away because I was tempted to give in to his ridiculous advances.

But the first rule of combat is to never turn your back towards your opponent, so less than three seconds later two arms made of steel slung themselves around me and I was unceremoniously heaved onto a shoulder before Dante walked straight towards the backroom. My wriggling on his shoulder, which was more playful than serious, only earned me a powerful spank. I froze on his shoulders and squeaked, not believing he really just did that. I still wasn’t moving, when he pulled me off, immediately pushing me up against the wall. Growling lowly, I felt Dante fingers digging into my waist as he pressed his lips against mine with bruising force. He grabbed the hem of my shirt and before I could protest it was already off me and Dante was devouring me all over again. Nibbling along my neck, he suddenly bit in my earlobe before peppering small kisses along my jaw. He only pulled back for a moment, his breathing hard against my lips, his words sending shivers down my spine.

“You´re going to regret ever wearing those spandex shorts.”

 

And when he buried his fingers in my hair and harshly tugged my head back, his tongue invading my mouth I believed every word he said.

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I spent the whole next morning in Dante´s flat lounging on the couch and munching all his sweets while he was administering another round of simulations. Mine was, as usual, the last one and I asked myself when it would change from Sam´s death that I had lived through the last two times onto something new. Even though I wasn't really looking forward to it, I had learned to just shut the whole scene out and concentrate on my breathing. That's how I was able to get in and out in less than two minutes, so off to the next!

I was glad for my sim to be once again the last one because of two reasons:

First, I had no desire to sit in the corridor and wait with the other dauntless born the whole morning because I surely couldn’t have kept my mouth shut when Cat was talking bullshit about things she had no idea of.

And secondly, Dante had destroyed my vagina.

 

The normally so gentle lover was nowhere to be seen as he pressed my leg up against the wall almost into a split, the different angle making everything so much more intense. As it must have been for him since he rutted away like there was no tomorrow, his pelvis slamming almost painfully against mine.

Just thinking about it, I had no idea if I should wince because of the pain or get aroused because that was one of the best times I ever had.

That guy was making me crazy.

 

I was using the day to relax all my strained muscles and go easy on my sore body, so zapping through the TV and binge watching some sort of ridiculous musical show it was. With sorrow, I realized it would be the last time I would get to go last. Dante had made it very clear that this was some sort of advantage and told me the next time I would have to wait with the others. But despite his demands for me to suck it up, when I started whining about sitting on the floor, I was thankful for the period of grace he offered me.

 

When it was time to get going, I only brushed the crumbles from my clothes and slipped into my boots, redoing my bun on the way to the sim room. I arrived just in time to see two members carrying Josh out of the room, who looked like he´d puke any minute. And as if I had jinxed it, he simply leaned into the guy on his left and spit all over his shirt. Grimacing I hurried past the heavy cursing guy and almost ran into Dante while avoiding the puke on the floor.

He caught me and led me into the room, closing the door but not before telling the guys to clean up, which was followed by more curses.

Like usual I took a seat on the dentist chair while Dante busied himself on the machine, typing in different codes while I watched the muscles in his back contract, wishing his shirt away.

After everything was to his liking and ready to go, Dante came over and stood between my legs, one hand caressing my cheek, the other holding the syringe.

“How are you, Lex?”

 

“Don´t pretend you don´t know it.” I narrowed my eyes at him but simultaneously leaned into his touch. “And don´t even think you´ll get some anytime soon. I don´t think I have ever been that sore.”

 

His bright smile almost made me forget that I was supposed to be mad at him. Dante leaned down, pressing a light kiss to my lips and like the insatiable girl I am, my lips followed his as he pulled back as if they were glued to them. But instead of engaging in a make-out session like I had wanted to, he just stuck the needle into my neck, taking me by surprise before pressing another kiss to my lips.

“Be brave, Lexi.”

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I woke up with the feeling that something was majorly wrong. Trying to turn around, I found myself inside a room with white walls, the bed I was in having rails, my hands fastened in padded cuffs, rendering me immobile which I only realized when I tried to get up.

What the fuck?

 

Rattling on the rails, I tried to pull my hands free but only winced when I managed to tug on my IV, the needle painfully piercing my skin. I had no idea what was going on and being restrained, basically tied to this bed only made my anxiety skyrocket.

This was an infirmary room, that much I knew but I had no idea what happened and how I ended up here. Thinking about the countless possibilities, my stomach turned into knots and the machine that monitored my heartbeat started to beep faster as my breathing got heavier, the panic closing up my throat.

 

But just as I thought I´d go crazy if they wouldn’t let me out soon, the door opened and my aunt stepped in. Tris wore a solemn expression, clutching a piece of paper in her hand. Seeing that I was awake, she hurried over and gave me a strained smile, running a hand down my cheek. “Lexi, dear. You´re awake.”

 

I only nodded in confusing, eyeing the piece of paper in concern. After all, everything that happened in here somehow being related to what was printed on there. Following my gaze, Tris raised her hand and straightened it out, her face falling. She gulped heavily, her gaze glued to something written onto it and after watching her for a few moments I couldn’t endure the crushing tension in the room any longer.

“Tris?”

 

Looking up, she tried to hide behind a fake smile but the tear rolling down her cheek told me everything I had to know even though she hurriedly brushed it away. Grabbing my bound hand she squeezed reassuringly. “You were right.”

 

Feeling my stomach drop, my breathing hitched as I realized the real extent of her words and what they meant for me and everyone around me. “Lexi, you know I have to tell your parents, right?”

 

Shaking my head wildly, I stared at her pleadingly, the thought of my father finding out almost sending me into a panic attack. “Sweetie, that´s not something you can keep a secret. We have to.”

 

There were other ways, surely? This couldn’t be my only option. In fact, there was another one… But could I do _that_?

 

Looking up, I stared at Tris with pleading eyes and she sighed, rubbing her forehead, trying to massage the tension away. Taking a seat on the bed where no railing was, she placed a hand on my leg, rubbing up and down.

“We could make it all go away right now, Lexi. But if you decide you don´t want the procedure, I have to tell your parents. Everything is going to be alright, I promise.”

 

Looking down at my legs whose outlines were just visible under the infirmary blanket, I blinked slowly, knowing I had to decide now. It took me a moment, but then I shook my head. I could never forgive myself if I did this, there was already enough decay in this world.

Tris' hand tensed on my leg for a second before she let go and stood up, her face apologetic.

“I´m going to get Amy now, Lexi.”

 

“Tris! Don´t, please!” I suddenly found my voice again, that had been absent and started to beg, the desperation seeping into every fiber of my being as I did so, pleading with my aunt to help me. But when she turned around again, I lost every ounce of hope I had, so I croaked out. “Please, you can´t tell them! Dad… he would never allow it… Tris!”

 

But my aunt only shook her head, one hand on the doorknob. “You made your decision Lexi and I made mine. I´m sorry.”

With that she opened the door and left, leaving me behind to suffer the consequences for my decision. One I had to make all on my own.

Closing my eyes, I let myself fall back against the chair, my hands gripping the rail until my knuckles turned white.

He wouldn’t allow it… He just wouldn’t…

 

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I came back to reality and threw my eyes open, the relief that my worst nightmare had been just a sim flooding my body as I leaned back into the chair. Letting out a deep breath, I turned my head, surprised that Dante wasn’t by my side like he usually was every time I came out of a sim. Something about encouraging or shit like that.

When I searched for him, I found him still standing in front of the machine, motionless except for the tenseness of his back, he didn’t even look like he was breathing.

 

“Dante?” My voice was quiet and as he didn’t reply, I got up, moving over where he was standing. When his face came into view, I saw that it was frozen in a state of shock, his gaze glued to the screen where a still of my sim was and I, too, froze. He had zoomed in on the piece of paper Tris had left on the bed, the result of the test being there in black on white.

 

Letting out a shaky breath, I took a step backward as I felt everything crashing in over my head, diverting Dante´s focus on me as I made a whistling sound while trying to breathe. Meeting his eyes and seeing the confusion in there, I knew he had just discovered my best-kept secret and he had questions. I just hoped he wouldn’t abandon me after finding out. I don’t think I would survive that.

I already knew what he was asking before he even opened his mouth.

“ _You were pregnant?!_ ”

 

Not being able to stand being locked at like that, I diverted my gaze to the floor before nodding jerky, his sharp intake of breath cutting through me like a knife. I closed my eyes, a single tear running down my cheek and I did nothing to brush it away.

“What happened to the child?”

 

“Dante…” But he ignored my pleading tone, running his hand through his hair, he seemed lost in thought almost as if…

 

“Oh my god! _Sammy…_ ” Dante snapped his head back to me, his eyes searching for the truth in my face and when he spoke his next sentence I wished to be as far away as possible because it wasn´t even a question.

 

“She´s your daughter.”

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**I would love to know how many of you did see that coming.. How they were able to make it look like Sam was Tris´ daughter will be in the next chapter.**

**And also sorry to all those British people I insulted with the tea remark… :D**

**Thank you for reading & reviewing! :)**


	19. Chapter 18

**I could only nod,** the sinking feeling in my gut intensifying with every step Dante took as he paced in front of me, his mouth opening and closing. Hugging myself in desperate need of some comfort, I watched him running his hand through his hair, mumbling to himself before he abruptly turned towards me again.

“But when… How?” 

 

Lowering my gaze towards the floor, I avoided his scorching one. “I don´t think I have to explain you the birds and the bees, do I?”

 

"Lexi," Dante growled. "Don´t fuck with me now!"

 

“Alright.” Raising my hands in a calming gesture, I sighed deeply before walking past him and taking a seat on the chair, gesturing for him to take the new stool he had to replace after breaking the last one in a fit of anger. For a moment, I thought Dante would refuse but then he let out a breath and did as I told him, his face now a little lower than mine.

Fiddling with my hands, I was lost on what to say and where to start. Sensing it, Dante gently grabbed my hands, intertwining them and giving me the small act of comfort I needed to start speaking. "I was fourteen when I got pregnant, fifteen, when Sam was born in the outskirts of amity only a few weeks before my father, demanded we come back home." Trailing off, I played with his fingers, lost in the memories of swaying grass and the whispers of the forest. “There aren’t many who know of this…”

 

Lifting my head with his finger under my chin, Dante pulled me out of my reverie, giving me a small smile. “Who knows, Lex?”

 

Looking away again, I grimaced. “Only Tris, Four… and you.”

 

A small sound of surprise made me snap my head back to him and I watched, as Dante blinked rapidly, his mouth parted slightly. The sight of his luscious bottom lip kindled the sudden urge to trace it and before I could stop myself, my finger was already slowly running over it and all I could think about was, how I loved these lips.

Capturing my hand swiftly, he pressed a kiss to my palm right before he laid it on his chest, brows furrowed in confusing as he met my gaze again. “So…” Dante started, obviously confused as hell. “You´re telling me that there are only three people that know of your pregnancy and none of them are your parents… right?”

 

“Yes…” My voice sounded even strained in my ears and I was glad when Dante laid one hand on my knee, pulling himself closer.

 

“Explain, please. Because right now I have no idea what is happening.” The confusion and desperation in his voice elicited a small smile that I tried to suppress as I reached for both of his hands and pulled them into my lap. Clearing my throat, I just had to look into Dante’s eyes to understand that I could trust him with my story. And maybe even my life.

 

“I found out that I was pregnant shortly after Dad had brought me home and ordered a full physical evaluation. Being from erudite I´m sure you know what they found in my blood.”

“HCG - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin, a hormone that is produced by the placenta after implantation. Of course, it could have been also the result of a tumor, most likely cancerous.” Dante´s reply was immediate, almost as if he was a student again. Smiling, I lightly shook my head, flicking his nose earning myself a glare.

Once a nose, always a nose.

 

"Well, if we´re now done with the lesson…" I teased him but sobered up again when I realized what we were talking about. "Thankfully one of my doctors left their tablet in my room and when my aunt came in to make sure I was alright, she read through it and woke me up to deliver the news. When I found out, I… I panicked, like a full-blown panic attack.” Grimacing, I remembered the way my whole body went cold, my throat slowly constricting, choking me until I thought I was dying. “Tris told me she would get my parents but it only made everything worse and I… I couldn´t breathe. I was only able to grab her arm begging her not to tell my father - which was, without a voice pretty hard – and I don´t know why but Tris promised me right when the doctors came in to sedate me.” I smiled at the memory of how selfless my aunt acted when I had been under duress.

 

“But when it was on your file…” Dante started, his brows furrowed in confusion.”… how did your father not find out? I mean he had the highest security clearance and access to basically everything. How could he not find out?”

 

"Because…" Biting my lip, I met his inquiring gaze. "Because Tris hacked into the system and deleted this tiny information."

 

Dante´s eyes widened and he choked on air. “She delete… _She deleted it?!_ Have you any idea how dangerous that could have been for you _and_ Sammy? There is medication that could cause an abortion or dangerously high blood pressure or…”

 Cutting off his rambling I laid my hand on his chest, over his heart. "Dante." I waited until he shut up before explaining. "Tris made sure they didn't give me any more medication under the pretense that I was deadly afraid of injections, which might be the truth. She wasn’t careless or anything. There wasn’t a single moment where I or the baby were in danger so please, let me finish, alright?” When he murmured his agreement, I took a deep breath before resuming where I left off.

 

“So after Tris deleted the evidence, we had a long discussion about what I was supposed to do because frankly, I was lost. And pretty desperate. It was a tough decision but after I was sure that I would keep Sammy, Tris wanted to tell my parents but I couldn’t.” Dante opened his mouth, to wither ask why I had considered an abortion or why I was so against telling my parents but I shook my head, not wanting to be interrupted.

"You know, it was bad enough that I was a mute but adding teen pregnancy to the list… I´m not sure my father would have allowed that I keep it, in fact, I´m sure he would have demanded a termination. And with mom coming from abnegation that discussion could have destroyed our whole family. Even more, than it already was." Clenching my jaw, I tried to suppress the burning feeling behind my eyes. But as Dante tried to reach for me, I firmly kept his hands in my lap knowing his embrace would only make it worse.

“Thankfully, Tris realized this too because even though she no longer resents my father, she knows him as well as I do, so after I was released from the infirmary she brought me to their flat and sat me and Uncle T down and she told him.

At first, I was so angry at her, I tried leaving but then Tris disclosed her plan to us. A few years ago, my father signed an agreement with amity to make it possible for dauntless and other faction members to rent a small cabin near or in amity. I have no idea if you heard about them but they are especially used for pregnant woman who doesn't want to stay in the compound because it´s so dangerous and of course for people who need a break from all this. And by sheer coincidence, I was both." Interrupting my monolog, I looked up to give Dante, who was watching me with an indecipherable expression, a small smile.

 

“Tris then went on and told everyone that she was pregnant again, 20 years after the twins were born. It caused quite the ruckus but in the end, she was able to rent out a reclusive cabin in amity because with her age she supposedly didn’t want to risk falling in the hallways or from a flight of stairs like my mother had when she was pregnant with Theo.

 

After she was granted a leave, Tris brought up that she wanted me to go with her because she didn’t want to be alone and it would be good for me to be away from everything. At first, dad was dead against it since it meant missing not just three months of education but a whole year. I assume he just thought I was a coward for running away.”

 

"You´re not." Dante whispered as I diverted my eyes to the floor. "You´re anything but a coward." Giving him a thankful smile, I pressed a kiss to his hands.

 

“My parents fought over the issue for over two weeks but in the end, mom won and so I was shipped off to a small little cottage half an hour away from amity, with two bedrooms and an outhouse. It was the middle of winter and there was no medical care close but I loved it. Everything from the small fireplace to the river in the backyard was just so… _so peaceful._ And I loved every second of it.”

 

Dante was mirroring my genuine smile as he brought up his hand to caress my cheek, his thumb running soothing circles over my skin. “Looks like I got myself an amity.” He teased, making me laugh out loud.

 

“Seriously though. If they wouldn't be so damn annoying and if I would have had any chance at getting through their initiation, I would have joined amity and lived my life as a lone wolf, so to say."

 

Dante chuckled at my words and only pulled me closer until I was sitting on his lap, my head lying on his chest and his on my shoulder. “But then you would have never met me.” He stated and I pressed my nose into his chest, deeply inhaling his calming scent.

 

"That´s true," I admitted. "But maybe you would have been assigned to fence duty because you fucked up with my father. And after patrolling the woods you would have stumbled onto my land. And maybe I would have considered not chasing you away with my shotgun after seeing that you were stupid enough to walk into one of my traps."

 

Feeling the deep rumble of his laughter reverberating, I joined him just as he threaded his fingers through my hair.

“And maybe,” He started, his voice teasing. “Maybe you would have been so overwhelmed by the sight of my glorious abs that you would have invited me inside to treat my wounds because you´re a sucker for guys with big guns.”

 

Swatting his chest, I drew back. “God, do you even hear yourself? Since when are you such a cocky bastard?”

 

"Well. Obviously, since I know that you´re undyingly in love with me." His cheeky grin only made me shake my head as I pinched his side, making him squeal in surprise. Leaning back, I mustered him with my most incredulous look but we were only sitting on a little stool, that move made me loose m balance and I fell off the chair because Dante was too busy rubbing the sore spot to catch me.

 

Grateful to not have hit the torture chair, I dusted my clothes off, begrudgingly getting up while it was now Dante´s turn to laugh. Probing the area where I landed on my elbow, I knew I was leaving this room with a new bruise.

Feigning to be mad at him, I made my way to the door but before I could even touch the handle Dante had already captured me, pinning my back against his chest. “Wait, Lex. You didn’t even tell me the end of the story.”

 

How he managed to sound whiny but also seductive at once I had no idea but like always I couldn’t turn down his request so I turned around in his arms, leaning against the wall, shrugging my shoulders.

 

“There isn’t much to say. We stayed in amity for almost eight months with little to no contact with anyone but the midwife who helped when I was in labor and the occasional visit from mom which was pretty awful. We never knew when she was around and even though my belly wasn't that big because Sam was a small child after a few months we couldn't hide it anymore. So every time my mother came to the cottage, I would wander into the forest and return after she was gone. It hurt her terribly and I still feel awful for it, but there was no other way.” I trailed off, my chest constricting painfully when I remembered how Tris would look at me every time I came home after my mother had left. There had always been tea on the table, no doubt because my behavior made her feel awful as a mother.

Even though I technically was one, I hadn´t raised Sam as my own but still. If she ever pulled half of the shit I did, I´m sure I would lose it completely.

 

Like always, Dante´s touch soothed me instantly and I gave him a grateful smile. Once again, he chased my demons and all the guilt that was eating me whole away, without even realizing it. And even though he reacted better than I would have thought he would, there was still a question burning a hole in my heart.

 

“Do you…” I started hesitantly, gripping Dante´s shirt, only going on when he smiled encouragingly at me. ”Does it bother you that she´s my daughter…?”

 

“Lexi… Look at me.” Dante softly grabbed my chin, forcing me to meet his gentle eyes. “You really caught me off guard here, like really. But Lexi… Nothing you could ever do would make me think badly of you, okay?” Nodding hesitantly, I watched him scrunch up his nose. “Except sleep with Freddie. Like hell, Lex? How could you ever do that?!”

 

Pushing myself away from him, I rolled my eyes in good humor, grabbing the handle before walking into the hallway without him. But not even a second later, the door was pushed open again and heavy footsteps came jogging my way.

 

“Wait for me!” Dante called before he caught up with me and hurriedly spun me around, his eyes wide with panic. “Tell me he´s not the father, please!”

 

Not following his trail of thoughts, I stared at him flabbergasted, having no idea what has him so riled up. But he was quick to explain.

 

“Freddie.” Dante was almost breathless as he waited for a reply with wide eyes. “Tell me Freddie isn´t Sammy’s father!”

 

Turning from confused to incredulous, I snorted at him. “Hell no. Do you really think I wouldn’t be extra careful if I had sex with someone as _Freddie_?!”

 

Realizing that I was completely honest, Dante deflated. “Thank god! I don´t think I could have looked at her the same way ever again if she was Freddie´s daughter.” Dante mockingly shuddered.

“But she really is your mini-me, how could no one ever notice? In fact, I want to see for myself!” With that he grabbed my arm and started pulling me into the opposite direction, giving me whiplash in the process. Having no idea what Dante was planning, I followed him obediently until I realized what he just said.

“Wait, _what?_ ”

* * *

In no time, Dante had dragged me through the whole compound and knocked, no, pounded at Tris´, who promptly opened the door looking as disheveled and shocked as I felt. But now, of course, Dante kept in the background, inconspicuously standing behind me while Tris mustered us closely. Her gaze was immediately drawn to my wrist, where Dante was still gripping me and even though he let go as soon as he realized that is wasn't exactly appropriate for an instructor to be as close to his initiate as we two were, I still caught the knowing glint in her eyes as she asked us to come inside.

 

Following her closely, I snickered at Dante´s solemn expression. It almost seemed as if he didn’t realize what he was doing when he dragged me here and was only now dawning on him. Well, too bad.

 

Knowing why we were here, Tris ushered us into the open kitchen where she was busy cooking and watching Sam, who played with a doll that used to be Harper´s. When she spotted us coming in, she squealed happily, losing no time in getting up and running through the room.

Anticipating her movements, I squatted down and opened my arms wide and like she always did, Sam jumped at me, slinging her arms around my neck like a vice. Throwing Dante and Tris who stood at the side a pleading look, my aunt only laughed while Dante smiled, his whole expression turning tender.

Playfully narrowing my eyes at the two of them, I gently pried Sam´s arms off my neck before she could choke me further. But instead of moving away from me, Sam only placed her hands on both sides of my face and squeezed until I resembled a fish. Not knowing what she was up to, I watched how she came closer and closer until she finally started peppering my face with kisses.

Tris came towards us and laughed, while Dante only shook his head in amusement at the scene in front of him. “What are you doing to poor Lexi, munchkin?”

 

Sammy didn’t answer her right away but finished kissing every single inch of my face before she pulled back and smiled happily at me. “Mama always says your not talking because of your hurt. I kissed it all better like daddy does when I´m hurt. It always helps. Did it help?”

 

“Oh my god.” Tris whispered horrified, clasping her hands in front of her mouth. “She shouldn’t have heard that. Sammy, we don´t say that!"

 

But I only shook my head at Tris, gesturing for her to stop before I leaned forwards and pulled Sam back into an embrace. Closing my eyes for a second, I whispered into her ear. “It worked, munchkin. Nothing hurts anymore.”

 

Drawing back, Sam mustered me through narrowed eyes. "Promise?"

 

"Promise," I assured her with a bright grin and her mask of suspicion turned into pure glee as she turned towards her foster mother and squealed loudly. "See, mommy? It worked!"

 

"I see it, sweetie." Tris' voice was hoarse and as I saw how she tried to inconspicuously wipe away a stray tear, I got up and walked towards her. Pulling my aunt into a tight embrace, I tried to express every single ounce of gratitude I felt towards her, every single feeling that had been brought to the front after today´s sim.

“Thank you, Tris. For everything. I have no idea what I would have done without you.” Clearing my throat, I fought with the lump in my throat that threatened to choke me up. “Thank you so much!”

 

We hugged each other for a long time but the mumbling behind us finally brought us apart. There Dante was, with Sammy in his arms, whispering and giggling furiously as the small child watched out strange behavior, having no idea that she was the cause of all this pent-up emotion. Walking over to them, I pressed a kiss to Sam´s cheek, one hand laying on Dante´s arm while the other one went around him as I lovingly watched two of the most important people in my life bonding.

 

Tris on the other hand, hastily brushed away any sign of tears as she hurried to the stove where the food was cooking. For a moment, the only sound heard was Sammy´s childish laughter but after making sure nothing was burning, Tris once again turned towards us.

“So…” She started, her inquisitory tone visibly letting Dante stiffen. “Looks like the two of you are quite cozy with one another.” She pointedly looked at the non-existent space between us and Dante immediately stepped back, trying to keep up appearances while I only rolled my eyes at my aunt. Sometimes she too could be evil.

But unlike my father or her husband she wasn’t able to keep the façade upright for more than a few seconds before a smirk broke through her mask.

“There is no doubt that there is something happening right there. But the real question here is…” Tris stopped speaking, creating a dramatic break that caused Dante to tense up as if he´s run out any second.

 

“Do you like your potatoes mashed or as wedges?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a sweet little filler chapter because I´m sure you´ll need a short break from all the drama :D
> 
> I´m so sorry that it took me so long to update but I didn’t have a computer to write on. My brother will now take care of my broken one so I hope to have it back in maybe two weeks. But I will try my hardest to update before that!
> 
> Thank you for hanging in there with me!And of course, thank you for reading & reviewing! :)


	20. Chapter 19

***trigger warning: this chapter almost consists of nothing but violence & a few more darker scenes** *****

**The first thing I noticed** was the steady dripping of water on what sounded like concrete, the same little droplets of water that were falling down on my skin after a day of heavy raining. The rusty old pipes running along the ceiling in my room were anything but tight and I was more than used to the occasional leak along its length but since it ran right above my bed I was screwed.

Normally this wouldn’t be a problem because I could just go and sit in a corner that was comparative dry to the rest of the clammy room but not now while I was chained to the block of concrete that doubled as the cot I was supposed to spend my night on.

I shivered as yet another drop of water hit the bare skin of my thigh, the cold air circulating the room only making the goosebumps on my pale flesh more pronounced. When a new series of violent coughs shook my body, making my labored breathing even hoarser than before I knew I wouldn’t survive the next few weeks with the little clothes that I was wearing right now. I already couldn't feel most of my limbs but since it also numbed the burns on my back I for once was glad.

 

Opening my eyes for the first time, I let my gaze wander over the familiar room that was bare of anything but the cot I was lying on and a chair that was only there when I was restricted by the metal cuffs that were clasped around my wrists, stretching my arms as far as they could, my shoulders already aching from the continuous strain.

Even raising my head was an almost impossible task, my muscles stiff from the cold and when I looked down at my body I realized why exactly the cold affected me so much. The thin, worn t-shirt and the panties I wore were hardly a match against the winter air the blizzard brought us so early this year. From my rough estimation, we didn’t even have mid-October yet and the city was already drowning in snow. From what I heard.

 

Groaning, I tried to pull my knees up to curl up into a fetal position and reserve what little warmth my body still had left but a harsh tugging just above my ankle hindered me. I let out a low hiss when the cold metal bit painfully into the rubbed raw skin, not knowing if I should curse the friction of the metal for causing it in the first place or cherish the cold that soothed the burning pain. I decided that both sucked.

 

Knowing there was nothing I could do to lessen the uncomfortableness or god forbid, escape, I let my head fall back, closing my eyes as I waited for whatever was happening behind the steel door to catch up with me.

 

And as if that was, what whoever or whatever was waiting for, a low shuffling sound emerged from the small gap between the steel and the concrete, the echo of boots and harsh sounding voices sending a shiver down my spine that for once had nothing to do with the cold.

Before I could do more than turning my head away from the door and whatever it hid behind it, it was already opened and heavy footsteps came my way, more than one pair from what I could hear. They crossed the room with a few long strides and I felt one of the factionless coming to a halt directly beside me, an arm appearing out of nowhere. The man grabbed my chin, yanking my face in his direction with such force that I could feel the bones in my neck crack. When I still refused to meet his gaze after a few seconds, he buried his other hand in my hair, now forcing me to look at him since he took in my whole field of vision.

Lazily dragging my eyes up his form, I stopped at his ragged beard and the smirk that pulled up one corner of his lips, before finally meeting his cold stare. The emotion that flickered over his face told me, this wasn’t going to be a pleasant visit and when his smile only grew bigger, exposing his yellow teeth that feeling of foreboding only grew worse, the knot in my stomach coiling tightly.

 

“Well, well, well…” The factionless drawled, narrowing his eyes at me. “What do we have here?” Letting my chin go, he trailed his fingers down my side, making me squirm in disgust until his hand slipped beneath my tattered shirt. When he rested his warm palm over my stomach, I involuntary shivered, my body craving the heat he emitted while the mere thought of him touching me repulsed me to my very soul.

“Aww, is someone cold?” He cooed, his face distorted into a mockingly concerned expression as he turned towards the men behind him. “Guys, our guest here is freezing. Shouldn’t we do something about this? I´m sure there are ways to help her.”

 

As if they had just waited for his order, two of the three men behind him came up on either of my sides, making me jump in surprise as they simultaneously placed their hands right above the ankle cuffs.

Like before the warmth of their hands was almost painful on my cold skin, the pricks and needles tormenting me growing worse with each second they warmed up my skin and I jerked away from them only for the chains to bite once again into the raw flesh of my legs.

Ever so slowly, they both inched upwards agonizingly but as they reached my knee, I clamped my legs shut, trapping their hands between them. As much as I wanted them to take their hands of me I wanted them to stop wandering higher way more desperate.

  
“Don´t touch me!” I hissed at the leader who deliberately trailed circles on the skin of my abdomen as if he had no care in the world. I tried to turn on my side but the chains and his firm grip kept me on my back, the slight exertion making my lungs burn and I wheezed pitifully. By now each breath of cold air hurt and for a moment I thought if it wouldn’t be easier if I just stopped…

 

“But we don´t want you to freeze to death.” He furrowed his forehead, his lips pulled down into a pout as his face hovered right above mine. “We certainly know a way to make you hot.”

 

And as if the two behind him once again had just waited for a code word of his, they unsnapped the cuffs around my ankles, capturing them in a vice like grip when I immediately started to struggle, fighting not just them but also the fatigue that crept into my bones which each twist and jerk of my body. I knew where this was heading and I wasn’t willing to go down without a fight even though weeks of eating almost nothing had rendered me unable to put up much of one.

 

Still, after managing to yank my right leg free of the rebel’s grip, I remembered all the things my brother taught me about self-defense and before they could capture it again I drew my knee back and drove the heel of my foot directly into the man´s face who had been unable to get a hold of it. Even though I was barefoot and lacked most of my usual strength, the crack of his nose resonated through the room, letting us all freeze almost comically as the factionless rebel cried out, clutching his nose that was gushing blood all over the floor.

 

And for one second I was more than satisfied with what I had done.

 

That was until a meaty hand met my cheek harshly, before closing around my throat, restricting my breathing until it was almost non-existent. Their leader used my struggling to draw in a breath and climbed over me, positioning himself between my legs, that were both once again hold tightly since his hold on my neck had distracted me.

 

Bending forwards, he let go of my throat the moment black spots threatened to overtake my vision and I gasped horribly, my lungs burning even worse than before. “You´re going to pay for that one, slut!” The man snarled, his sour breath fanning my face as he pressed himself against me in the most repulsive way possible. "And after that, you´re going to wish that I had killed you.”

 

With that he ripped away the last barrier that protected my dignity and told his men to keep my down as I bucked my hips, desperately trying to get away from him. He started to unbuckle his belt, only the clinking sound already causing bile to rise in my throat. Frantically searching for something in this room that could help me, _save me_ from the men in front of me, my gaze stopped short at the fourth factionless who was just standing there, observing the scene with a troubled look on his face.

 

He was wearing the typical factionless clothing, like all of the men in here but he was significantly younger than the rest, maybe not even 18 yet. He must have been born as a factionless or choose to become one since the new rules made getting through initiation way easier than it had been before. Even if those were just degraded to cooks or janitors, the faction system still needed the lowly workers and the leaders were unwilling to give the factionless more men that could start a new rebellion.

 

Catching my eyes, I thought to see something akin to pity cross over his face but it was gone as soon as it came, his deep green eyes not leaving mine as the man above me started to push down his trousers.

 

His eyes…

 

Suddenly there were memories flooding my head as if a floodgate had burst and images came flying at me, almost like a slap in the face. 

Suddenly I knew.

 

My brother coming into this very cell, being carried out of the building, back at dauntless…

A cabin at amity, a little girl in my arms…

That same little girl with deep green eyes smoldering my face with kisses, as she tried to make the pain go away.  And at last a young man watching us.

The same one that plunged an injection into my neck only minutes ago after I had spent the night in his bed, not sleeping until the early hours of this morning.

 

 _That_ was real.

 

_This… wasn’t._

 

With that simple revelation, the cold instantly vanished and with it every ounce of pain I had previously felt. And while everything around me froze, I slowly turned my head to look at the man in front of me, who had just been successful at pulling down his pants. Tugging lightly on my arms, the wrist cuffs springing free effortlessly and I was free.

 

The factionless on top of me froze as my fist came flying, but the punch that was aimed at his face went right through it as he burst into thousands upon thousands of pixels that flew into every direction possible.

And as I slowly pushed myself up, the simulation around me started to fall apart, the particles scattering into nothingness before they balled up and exploded in a sharp flash of light.

As I was plunged into the darkness, the only thing on my mind where those hauntingly familiar green eyes.

* * *

 

Shooting up from my sitting position, I fell forward landing hard on my knees. Automatically my hands flew up to my throat, where I could still feel the pressure of the factionless hands constricting my airways as I clawed it, desperate to get air into my lungs. Realizing that everything had indeed only been a figment of a simulation, I let out a strangled breath, slumping forward where I kneeled on the cold floor, closing my eyes and relaxed.

 

That was until a shuffling from somewhere behind me alerted me of someone else´s present. If by reflex, I rolled away from the source before getting up in a defensive stance, ready to hit whoever was close to me. My eyes flitted through the room and it took me less than a second to recognize Dante who was standing in front of the machine, eyes wide, his face a ghostly pale shade as he stared at me.

He had seen everything.

 

Raising his hands to appear less threatening it took him a moment to compose himself but when he did he started slowly walking towards me with measured steps while also knowingly blocking the path to the door.

 

Backing up, I mirrored the movement of his hands but the way I held them he should have known not to approach me or that´s what I hoped for. So when he didn’t stop, I frantically started shaking my head, mentally willing him to not come close to me. I didn’t want to taint his touch with the remnants of the simulation and only thinking about physical contact made my skin crawl.

 “Don´t.” My voice was shaking, as I begged him to listen to me. “Stay where you are!”

 

“Shh…” Dante tried to soothe me with his gentlest voice, approaching me like one would do with a wounded animal. And right now, that´s what I felt like. Ready to attack “Relax. You know I wouldn’t harm you. Never.”

 

But with each step he took forward, I took one back and within a moment I was pressed against the wall, Dante only a few feet away from me, the only escape right behind him. Knowing that I couldn’t endure any sort of touch right now, not even from the hands I loved so much I raised my voice at him in a desperate attempt to make him understand that I was serious.

 

“Dante, don´t!” With each step he took, I felt the panic in my stomach coil tighter, his attempts at soothing me falling on deaf ears. Literally, because I couldn’t hear anything but my own heart that was furiously trying to beat out of my chest and the blood rushing through my veins. “Stop!”

 

By now I was pressed against the wall as tight as I could and still, Dante didn’t listen to my pleas. Raising his hand, standing right in front of me he tried laying his palm against my cheek in a calming gesture but before he had the chance to even touch me, I had already grabbed his wrist, twisted it behind his back and used the momentum of the wall in my back to drive my knee into his guts.

 

Dante grunted as I knocked the breath out of him, landing painfully on his back the same second I yanked open the door and stormed through the door, leaving it wide open.

 

I was greeted by a hallway half full of initiates who were still waiting for their turn, now startled by my sudden appearance. Neither paying their wide-eyed stares nor Dante´s demands for me to come back, accompanied by silent curses, any mind I sprinted through the corridor, leaving them behind in the dust.

 

Running almost blindly through the compound, I knew I had to cross the pit to get to the nearest exit that would take me to the place I could start my run through the city to calm my nerves before taking a shower and go apologize. I was already feeling awful.

 

 Taking the next right turn I found myself at one of the entrances for the pit, the hallway I intended to take almost on the other side.

Knowing it wouldn’t be long before I had someone - or a whole army - coming after me, I hurried through the bustling throngs of dauntless, dodging members who were in my way and I made it halfway through without getting stopped for insubordination.

But before I could disappear in the dark hallways and for the rest of the day a claw-like hand grabbed my arms, long nails biting into the sensitive skin on my wrist and tugged me backward.

 

Pulling my hand out of the grasp, I swiveled around only to come face-to-face with a smug looking Cat who tilted her head at me, a predatory smile tilting up her painted lips as she mustered me from head to toe. Narrowing my eyes at her, I took a step back which only seemed to satisfy her more, her smile growing wider with each second.

As did my scowl.

“God. What crawled up your ass and died?”

 

Straightening up, I glared at her asking myself why she choose now of all times to corner me. My only guess was that she had seen my disheveled state and was trying to rile me up now that she had enough backup with the three pathetic girls behind her.

As if they could stop me.

 

Cat´s early threat that I should watch my back after beating one of her friends had not been yet suited by any action but I was sure it was because I spent little to no time with the rest of the initiates apart from training. I never slept in the dorms and talked to no one.

The only exception being Ivy and Avery who I regularly ate with. But even that wasn’t the norm.

 

Crossing her arms over her chest, Cat raised one eyebrow at me. “What´s wrong, Alexis? Did the sim get to you? No puppy´s and rainbows for the ice queen today?”

 

Keeping my mouth from spewing the witty retort that rested on the tip of my tongue, desperate to come out, I only resorted to rolling my eyes at her before taking a step away. The only thing I wanted to do was run as far as my legs would carry me and my mind stopped playing the scenes from earlier on repeat.

It was an almost desperate need by now

 

"Now, don´t be like that! We´d love to hear of your fear, maybe we can help!" Cat´s voice was fake enthusiastic as she beamed at me, taking several steps closer, her pleasant smile turning more into a sneer. "Are you afraid of being a failure? Naah, don´t be. We had already established that.”

 

Huffing humorlessly at her poor attempt to hurt my feelings, I only shook my head before turning around to simply walk away from her. But like always she couldn’t help but have the last word.

 

“Or maybe…” Cat raised her voice and I didn’t plan on stopping but her next words rooted me to the spot. “… _maybe_ you´re afraid the little brat you call cousin is going to end up like you. I mean if I was your aunt I wouldn’t let my child anywhere near someone as psycho as you are. We all heard of your little episodes, not to mention your boy toys. Little Samantha shouldn’t grow up to become a whore like her you…”

 

Before she could even finish her sentence my fist crashed into her jaw, sending my second person today to the floor. But unlike with Dante, I followed suit, pinning Cat to the ground while raining blow after blow to her face, wanting to disfigure her so bad no make-up in this city could fix it. She managed to hold her ground for a few seconds, blocking most of my punches with her forearm but the simple fact that I wanted to inflict as much pain to her as possible made me forget everything around me except the face my knuckles were crashing into with bruising force.

Maybe beating someone to a pulp would have the same effect as running. I would soon find out.

 

The more than grueling training sessions with Amar and my brother paired with the fact that I was seeing red let even the screams from her goons fade into the background and their pitiful attempts at stopping me until suddenly a pair of strong arms slung around my torso, pinning my arms to my sides. As I was ripped off her, Cat rolled to the side spitting out the blood that I had drawn after an especially vicious punch to her mouth. That she still had all her teeth was a sheer miracle.

I should have hit harder.

 

But as much as I wished to, I couldn’t concentrate on the venomous glare she sent my way because I realized that a strange man was holding me against his chest.

That he was _touching me._

 

Kicking my legs back, I hit his shins but even though he grunted, the dauntless didn’t show any signs of releasing me soon. Even without seeing him I knew he was easily twice my weight, his arms bulging after countless hours of weightlifting. He was definitely stronger than I was but in no way smarter.

 

Since getting him off me by force wasn´t even a question, I leaned back into his chest clutching to his forearms, feeling how he lifted me higher I drew my knees up to my chin gaining as much momentum as I could. Bringing them back down with as much force I could muster while simultaneously letting myself fall forward like doing when performing a roll, I used his own strength against him, sending the bulky dauntless flying over my shoulder and crashing into the hard floor where he stayed, dazed and momentarily winded.

 

Not wanting to let Cat get away with the little damage I had been able to cause, I swiveled around, searching for her in the circle that surrounded me. But before I could even lay eyes on her, two gentle but firm hands were placed on my cheeks and as I grabbed them I met a pair of firm but warm brown eyes and the one command let me freeze where I stood. “Enough.”

 

Letting my face fall forward, I closed my eyes knowing that with Amar here I had no chance at even reaching, non-the-less beating Cat´s ass before he would have me rendered motionless. Most likely on the floor with one of his boots in my back without even breaking a sweat.

 

“She deserved it.” Was all I muttered defensively as I finally looked back up again, afraid of the judgment I may find. But Amar only sighed, took taking hands into his to examine the deep purple color my knuckles were turning into. 

 

“I have no doubt that she did.” Amar pulled me into his side as a commotion from around us drew my attention to a certain spot rapidly coming closer. When I saw the crowd parting like the red sea I knew exactly who was storming towards the middle of the circle formed by dauntless. “Just remember Lexi:” Amar looked down at me, his eyes heavy with the weight of the world. “All your actions have consequences.”

 

And what kind of consequences they would have…

 

When the people closest to the front of the circle sprang out of his way my father came barreling into the middle where Amar and I stood, being followed by Dante who tried to hide a slight limp in his step. Catching my father’s furious glare, I contemplated squaring my shoulders to show him my confidence in my actions but when he narrowed his eyes at me I averted mine. Poking the already furious bear would do me now good.

Not after just getting on his good sides mere weeks prior.

 

With one look at Cat who was tended to by her minions he immediately took in her bloodied face and the swelling around her left eye before narrowing in on my bruised knuckles and the soldier who only knew getting up, sending me a dirty look before scampering into the depths of the compound, no doubt embarrassed to have been beaten by an initiate. Gritting his jaw, my father addressed the girls who were heaving Cat up into a standing position, her eye almost swollen shut by now.

 

“Get her to the infirmary. And you…” Turning his head so he could glare at me, Dad took a few threatening steps forward while Dante watched with a worried and slightly pained expression how I once again turned into a failure for my family.

“My office. Now.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh… Daddy is mad :D Bad news: It´s 4.35 & I´m tired
> 
> Good news: I finally got my PC back today :) writing goes a lot slower than I´m used to but I hope to have another chapter up soon. I wanted this to be far longer but the question of Sammy's father is most likely solved in the next one :)
> 
> & please don´t worry too much about Lexi & Dante.. by now I think we all know that they love each other & he won´t give up...
> 
> With that thank you for reading & reviewing! :)


	21. Chapter 20

**I was sitting in the uncomfortable office chair** in front of the sturdy desk, anxiously twiddling my fingers while my father’s gaze burned a hole through me. He was leaning back in his much larger chair, arms crossed over his chest. He ran the fingers of his left hand over his mouth while narrowing his eyes at me. He was lost deep in thought while Dante and Amar stood to the side watching this obvious display of power.

By dragging me here and then letting me wait he wanted to make it clear who was in charge and that I better comply with everything he may want me to.

After catching me fighting in the pit he had just turned around without a second glance, knowing I would not dare to defy an order he had given in front of half the faction. Even though he was my father and I more often than not got a strange satisfaction from challenging him, I wasn’t suicidal enough to show him up with so many people around.

 

So here we were, all waiting in silence for our senior leader to pass the sentence to his own daughter once again. So far, he had stayed quiet, his gaze never leaving me as if he was contemplating something carefully, not even sparing Amar a glance as he shifted his weight and cleared his throat in preparation to say something.

My father had merely raised his hand, gesturing him to stay silent.

 

I knew exactly what he was doing, trying to unnerve me with his unyielding stare until he had me anxious enough to show that I was sorry for my actions and maybe even apologize. But since I am my father’s daughter and have no sense self-preservation I silently screamed at myself to man up, stopped gnawing the inside of my cheek and raised my eyes, meeting his gaze head on.

I had expected him to glower at me, pulverizing me with his cold grey eyes but his expression was more contemplating, thoughtful although he narrowed his eyes at my silent challenge. Now I could see the suppressed anger bubbling to the surface.

 

I realized that right now there were two kinds of people in this room: The calm ones, that observed their surroundings, always composed and only using violence when it was necessary. And then there were the hot-blooded ones, always butting heads and using their fists instead of words, wreaking havoc when something wasn’t going their way.

I didn’t know which kind was more dangerous but if I had to guess I would tend more towards the quiet ones. After all my uncle is one of them and along with Amar I knew they could take me down in mere seconds despite my obvious danger issues.

 

The big problem with my father is, that he can be both. He can be calm and collected, freezing people with his icy glare but his temper can also explode in a nanosecond, nuking everything in its wake as he makes living in the compound hell for everyone that wronged him. I guess he had after all this time somehow managed to reign his anger in, something I had yet to learn, I realized as I watched how my father leaned forward, his face cold.

Knowing I had poked the bear, I prepared myself for the outburst of nuclear proportions but he merely raised one eyebrow at me, grabbing a pen.

 

“Fights in the pit are not tolerated under any circumstances, do you understand that?” Furrowing my brow, I slowly nodded, not wanting to egg him on any further. I could practically see the quiet rage simmering under the surface. “Good. But since you so obviously want to take that initiate on you will do it in the ring. Like it´s supposed to be.” Turning towards Dante, my father´s order was clear. “Make it happen.”

 

“Yes, Sir.” Dante´s response was immediate and he tried to hide the little signs of unease on his face. I had no idea why though. It was obvious who would win.

Nodding his head at him he turned back towards me, more composed but still annoyed beyond compare. “Now get out before I change my mind and give you mess hall duty for a month. I have more important stuff to handle right now.”

 

Picking up the strange undertone, I perked up, trying to get a look at the documents that littered the desk in front of him. But my father knew exactly what I was trying to do and scooped them together, laying them to the side where I couldn’t get a look at them.

Something about his expression irked me the wrong way and I felt my stomach knot as all the possibilities shot through my head. If he didn’t want me to see the report it was most likely about the factionless.

And my father having a stake of classified papers on his desk was never good.

 

Before I could decide if I should just ask him and pray that my newfound voice would get something out of him, my father took the reports, stacked them neatly once again and dismissed us without looking back up. Hesitantly I followed his order and got out of the chair but just as I crossed the threshold my father spoke up again.

“Dante. Stay.”

 

Freezing on the spot, I went to turn around and see what he wanted from him but Amar was right behind me, shoving me gently out of the office with one hand on my lower back. He closed the door behind us, successfully looking my boyfriend with my homicidal father in one room.

“Don´t.”

 

“But why is he asking him to stay?” I ask frantically, contemplating if I should go back in “And what the hell was on these reports?” I hissed quietly, running my hand through my tangled hair. Fed up with my messy braid I ripped the hairband out, taking quite a few of my hairs with it. The pain in my scalp only fueled my frustration and I angrily gathered them all up. Trying to put my unruly locks back into its confinement I wrapped the band around my braid for the third time when it ripped into two.

 

Gritting my teeth, I was _sooo_ close to punching the wall but before I could move, my wrist was grabbed and Amar turned me towards him, holding me captive with his gaze.

“Calm down.” His familiar voice was soothing, bringing me back to countless hours of meditation where I tried to keep the anger that now threatened to consume me under control. ”Take a deep breath.”

 

Inhaling the way he taught me, I tried to relax but the anxiousness curling inside me made it harder to get air into my lungs. "Just like that." When Amar was satisfied with my level of calmness he let go of me and gave a fatherly smile. "As to why your father asked Dante to stay your guess is as good as mine but I know a bit about the situation regarding the factionless."

_I knew it._

 

“What happened?” I couldn't help but fiddle with my fingers, asking myself why I didn't hear anything of it.

 

“Well, for once there have been more overall sightings of them all over the city but they somehow always manage to avoid the patrols as if they knew when they were coming. Which is quite impossible since our numbers have been doubled after a food truck from amity has been attacked a week ago on their way to candor.”

 

Slinging my arms around myself, I started gnawing my cheek again, knowing my level of suspiciousness has been reasonable. If the factionless has gotten as bold as to ambush in bright daylight while there were countless dauntless patrolling the most used routes their number must have increased drastically since the last big raid four years ago.

And if they managed to make my father nervous it was bad. Really bad.

 

“You didn’t hear I from me.” Amar threw me a meaningful glance, patting my back before he strolled down the hallway towards an older dauntless who had beckoned him over to engage him in a conversation. He was quite popular in the faction.

 

Sighing deeply, I leaned against the wall letting my head fall back after examining my bruised knuckles. This day was continuously getting worse.

 

“What do you mean you can´t tell me about it. As a leader, it is my duty to know!" The muffled voice of my father sounded through the door and I groaned, knowing exactly what he tried to get out of Dante.

_The sim…_

 

“As her father, you should foremost respect her privacy, Sir.” Dante´s voice was quieter and more reserved but the underlining seriousness was still detectable.

 

“There is no such thing as privacy here!” My father´s voice boomed through the office, startling a young secretary who just walked by and was now hurrying away.

I should just do it like her and walk away. Dante telling my father about… _that_ was nothing I wanted to witness.

Nothing I could endure.

 

“Then believe me when I say that you really don´t want to know.”

_Just walk away._

“Leave that up to me to decide. Now tell me. This is an order, soldier!” Father´s voice was forceful, the years of having people bow down to his every whim made it even harder for him if someone disobeyed. Insubordination was something he punished harshly to set an example in the faction that was strictly ruled by ranks – and ranks alone.

 

“You should ask Lexi about it, Sir.” Dante countered quietly but his message was clear. “I have an obligation towards her and I don´t want to betray her trust in me. This is my duty as her instructor.”

 

“Really.” My father´s harsh, humorless chuckle resonated through the door. “And how is she supposed to answer me after I ask her?”

 

“Maybe she will surprise you.” How he could stay that calm in there while I was out here with a closing up throat I had no idea but it almost made me miss the steps coming closer. “I´m sorry, Sir.”

 

Dante´s muffled voice suddenly being right beside me, startled me out of my rigidity and my feet acted prior to my brain, taking me down the corridor before I was caught eavesdropping by either of them.

It wouldn’t make the situation any better and the way I knew my father, Dante was now on his bad side.

_Fuck!_

 

Turning the corner, I brushed away the lone, traitorous tear that ran down my cheek, the only outward sign of the tightness in my chest and the hollowness in my guts that seemed to grow only stronger.

The only outlet to my frustrations would be a run through the city – and running I did.

* * *

 

 Taking into account that I had that strange feeling of foreboding as soon as I stepped out the door, I knew I shouldn’t have wandered so far into the city so late in the afternoon. But being the idiot I am I had been at least a good hour away from the nearest entrance of dauntless when it felt like the gates of hell had opened up the sky above me, drenching me to the bone in ice cold water while the wind did the rest to freeze me to the bone, making me wish I had just waited for Dante and never left the compound.

My father´s glare was nothing against this.

But since crying about how bad this was wouldn’t help me in any way I gritted my teeth and made my way over the slippery roofs and kennels, almost losing my footing several times, saving myself from tumbling down in the last second.

 

Somehow, -and I have no idea how- I had made it back to the compound in one piece, even though I felt like a giant block of ice. The smartest thing to do would now have been to get out of my soaked clothes and take a shower. But my feet had a mind of their own, carrying me to the one person I wanted to see right now.

 

Dante opened the door after the first knock, all flustered as he pulled me into the flat and slammed the door shut before gripping my face in his hands. Noticing that I was completely drenched and shivering violently he pulled me into him, his tense body relaxing against mine.

“Christ, Lexi! You´re freezing!” His face contorted in worry as he wrapped his warm arms around me. This time around I embraced the male hands chasing away the cold because it was _him_.

“ _What the hell_ did you do?”

 

Placing my hands on the back of his neck, I pulled his face towards mine feeling slightly bad as Dante hunched his shoulders when my frozen fingers came into contact with his skin. “I´m sorry.” Pressing my lips tightly to his I held him in place with one hand tangled in his hair. “I´m so sorry. For hurting you. So sorry.” Only pulling back to mutter another apology that choked me up I pulled him back into me, noticing that even though Dante had his arms slung tightly around me he wasn’t returning my kisses with the same feverish need that consumed me from the inside out.

No, this wasn’t normal.

 

In fact, he pulled back after a few moments, only sighing deeply as he pressed a kiss to my forehead, entangling himself from my chokehold. “Lexi…” He started and I felt the knot in my stomach tighten. ”You should really take a hot shower before you get sick. And after, we should talk.”

 

Blinking rapidly, I took a step away from, hugging myself tightly as Dante watched me with pained eyes. Nodding with jerked motions, I forced my lips into a smile to suppress the quivering that started as soon as his words hit home.

_He doesn’t want me anymore._

 

“Of course you don´t… After seeing… that… I´m sorry, I shouldn´t have. It was stupid…“ Moving towards the bathroom I avoided his eyes, only forcing another smile on my face.

 

“Lexi, you know that´s not…” Dante started, taking a few steps towards me but I whirled around, raising my hand while keeping my lips turned upwards started to physically _hurt_.

 

“NO!” My voice was louder and more forceful than I intended it to be, so I leveled myself as best as I could. “It´s okay, really. I… I understand. I wouldn’t want to _touch_ me either after finding out…” Clenching my eyes shut, I shook my head while walking backward, stumbling into the cabinet behind me. "Sorry."

 

Turning around, I fled into the bathroom ignoring Dante calling my name. Slamming the door shut, I pressed my hands into my eye sockets, muttering to myself.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid…_

Exhaling shakily, I finally started to peel the soaked clothing off me, letting the heavy fabric fall to the floor as I fought the tears from escaping. My fingers were numb and I fumbled with the button of my combat pants as suddenly the door flew open with a bang, making me jump and almost fall down as I tripped over my shirt.

 

Dante came storming inside, his face set in determination as he grabbed me by the waist and pushed me into the steaming shower and under the stream. “Dante, what…?”

Capturing my lips in a searing hot kiss, he swallowed my objections as he caught my wrists in one of his hands and pinned them to the wall above my head in one swift movement. Pressing the whole length of his body against mine, Dante grabbed my ass with his other hand, making me gasp in surprise as he squeezed tightly. Using the opportunity, he thrust his tongue between my lips, meeting mine in a dance that is as old as time.

 

Dante bit my lip not so gently as he pulled back to press open-mouthed kisses along my jaw and down my neck before coming back up to meet my hooded eyes. Holding his gaze my breathing was labored and I felt my core tighten with the way his bare chest grazed mine every time he inhaled. When he lost his shirt, I have no idea.

“Is this me not wanting you?”

 

Still holding my arms over my head, Dante flicked the button of my pants open and with ease he pulled them down along with my underwear, leaving me completely exposed in front of him. And for the first time, I felt self-conscious as his heated gaze raked over my nude body. 

_What was he thinking about everything that happened in the sim…?_

 

Pulling me back under the stream, he let go of my wrists but before I could cover my modesty he laid them over his own shoulders. He only pulled away from me to rid himself of the remaining clothes he was wearing which he did in less than a second.

 

Caressing my cheek with the back of his hand and brushing a few tears away, Dante let his lips hover above mine, the ghost of his touch driving me insane.

I closed my eyes in bliss when he spoke again, the vibrations of his chest transferring into mine.

His voice was indefinitely softer than before as he lifted me by my thighs, lining up his shaft at my opening. “Is this me not wanting you?”

 

With that he slowly pushed upwards, letting me feel his complete length buried inside me as we once again became one. Dante let out a low moan as he bottomed out, while I was only able to tighten my grip in his hair, the feeling of being utterly filled and _complete_ taking my breath away.

 

Sliding almost all the way out again, Dante pressed his mouth to mine softly. "Tell me…" Changing the angle in which he held me, he pulled me back down on him. "how could I not want you?"

 

“Dante…” My voice was a plea. For him to stop teasing me, to not leave me, to not stop loving me.

 

Not giving into my begging, he withdrew and I almost started crying as the feeling of complete and utter emptiness spread through my body. But I couldn´t do more than whimper since he had already set me down and whirled me around so that I was now pressed against the cold tiles that caused my buds to harden painfully after feeling the heat of his body that I now felt against my cold back.

A shiver went down my spine, hot water cascaded around us and the steam made me forget everything around me.

Everything except _him_.

Dante pulled my waist back towards him, kicking my feet wider apart and before I could truly comprehend what he had just done he was already sinking back inside me.

 

Our new position didn’t allow me to do more than claw at the tiles and arch my back in delight as Dante rapidly thrust into me, each time hitting my most sensitive spot, letting my eyes roll back in pleasure. As if sensing my predicament, he leaned forwards and let go of my hips with one hand to guide my hands back to his shoulders. Getting hold of his hair, I turned my head as far as possible and pulled his face closer to mine, meeting his lips as hard as his hips met mine.

Together we climbed higher and higher with each snap of his hips until I swear I could taste the stars.

“Tell me I wouldn’t do anything for you.”

 

“Dante!” Feeling his hot breath ghosting over the sensitive skin on the back of my neck send me over the edge and I shattered in one of the most powerful climaxes that ever raked through my body, clamping down tightly on him. Behind me, Dante shuddered as he too exploded deep inside me, pulling me as close as physically possible.

For a moment, the world stopped turning and everything revolved around him.

He was my world.

 

We both caught our breaths, still joined beneath the stream that slowly started to turn lukewarm when Dante finally turned me around to face him again. My legs were shaking and he made sure that they wouldn’t give out beneath me as he stared into my eyes.

His voice was only a whisper but as he pressed his lips on my face over and over again as light as the touch of a butterfly’s wing, every single one of his touches left tingles on my skin.

Pulling back slightly, he stared right into my soul and his words made everything okay again.

Even if just for a minute.

 

“Now tell me I don´t love you.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the long wait but I had zero motivation to write anything.. no idea if it´s writers block or just procrastination.. I hope to have the next chapter up soon! It will be both of them talking & it will most likely be information overload :D
> 
> Fanfiction.net finally has an app for IOS which is great:) It would have almost been a reason to swap back to Samsung..
> 
> However Thanks for reading & everyone who reviews :) It always makes me feel better about my writing so tank you! :)


	22. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

***not edited***

**Our legs were intertwined** , his arms slung around my torso and my head rested on his chest as we lay in bed. Trailing my fingers over his chest down his abs, I absentmindedly thought of all we had to talk about, the most obvious was, what happened in my sim and after.

Dante played with the ends of my still moist hair, while I wanted nothing more than to bury my face in his chest and forget everything that happened today.

I lightly traced the slightly discolored part of his abdomen where my knee had knocked the wind out of him, a sharp pang of guilt striking me and I clenched my jaw, upset with myself that I hurt him.

 

“I´m sorry…” I started again but Dante hushed me, pressing a kiss to the palm of hand he had snatched from his abdomen.

 

“There´s nothing to apologize, Lex. You were panicked and asked me not to touch you but I did and got what I deserved.” Supporting myself on my elbow, I turned towards him. Dante´s smile was soft, no trace of resentment or disgust like I had feared. Still, the guilt that I had attacked him was fresh in my mind. Catching my gaze, Dante only sighed and pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth before squishing me against his chest. “Don´t worry about it, it would have been worse if you aimed lower.” He joked, tickling my side. ”I can handle a small bruise. But I´m not so sure I can handle your father hating me. So, if I end up in the chasm you know who did it.”

Dante´s voice was forcefully light but I could detect the worry he truly felt the moment he tensed up slightly.

 

“My father hates everyone. Don´t worry, I´ll handle it.”

 

“Really? You´re just going to go up to him and tell him that he should leave me alone because I´m your boy toy?”

  
Pushing myself up, I stared at Dante, asking myself if he´d gone crazy. He just started laughing and tried to pinch my cheek. Swatting his hands away, I threw him an incredulous look. “Boy toy? Are you fucking serious?!”

 

“Of course, what else would I be? Boyfriend? Fiancé? _The love of your life?_ ”

 

 

"Shut up." Huffing, I laid back down, but with my back to him. Not letting this little fact hinder him, Dante started lightly tracing his lips up and down my neck, leaving open-mouthed kisses on my shoulder. Trembling, I welcomed the distraction and let him turn me around again.

Rolling over, Dante supported his weight on his forearms as he stared down at me. “But seriously, Lex. Nothing I saw today will change how I feel about you, okay?”

 

Shutting my eyes, I nodded and pulled him down so I could feel the warmth of his body against mine. After our time in the shower I thought I knew how he felt, but hearing him say it out loud lifted the weight from my chest that I didn’t even know was there.

Opening my eyes, I met his inquisitor gaze, earning me a small smile.

 

I smiled back but couldn’t help but let the sadness seep through. “I don´t know what I would do if it did, Dante.” Clearing my throat, I buried my head in his neck to avoid his eyes. “I have no idea how you did it, but you´re one of the most important people in my life and I l… I don´t… I don´t know what I would do without you.”

 

"It doesn't, really, but…" Hearing the dreaded phrase, I felt my insides grow cold, my stomach turning into knots. "I do have a few questions if you don´t mind…?"

 

Letting out a deep breath, I felt the tenseness vanish again and smiled up at Dante, lightly pushing him off me. When he lay beside me again, I curled up on his chest to avoid looking at him. I was thankful for the darkness of his bedroom, the only light coming from the kitchen through the open bedroom door Dante had forgotten to close after storming into the bathroom.

Conversations like this were always easier at night, something about the dark that compelled one to tell the truth, no matter how hurtful it was.

 

“You deserve answers, so no, I don´t mind…”

 

"We don´t have to talk if you don´t want to…" Dante offered, but I could feel his urge to know burning a hole through him. His erudite was showing.

 

“Just. ask, Dante. We both know that we have to talk about it and I would like to get over with it instead of circling around the topic for weeks, okay?”

 

“Alright.” He let out a deep breath, anxiously picking on his cuticles. “So… the sim was real, huh?”

 

“Yeah.” Uncomfortable with the topic I started biting my cheek, while I felt Dante inhaling deeply under me.

 

“Did it happen often?” Dante asked carefully, the tension in his body giving away which answer he´d like to hear. I only shrugged my shoulders, starting to draw patterns on the skin of his abdomen to calm him down.

 

“I was alone with dozens of men for over three months, I guess that’s enough to know. Just because _incest_ wasn’t really my uncle’s thing doesn’t mean his men refrained from having a little fun.” I snorted, the memory of Edgar coming into my cell after his men used me the first time, and comforting me with these exact words ghosting through my mind.

I didn't even realize what I had just said until Dante shot up and shoved me away from him in the process.

 

“What the fuck?!” He called out, his expression full of incredulousness and disgust. “Four?! What the hell did he do there?!”

 

“What?! No!” I scrunched up my face and pulled the blanket up to hide my nudeness. “My other uncle… Fuck, how do I explain this…?” Trailing my gaze onto the ceiling, I sighed.

“Do you remember that roughly 25 years ago a huge group of factionless rebels were banned to live beyond the wall?” Dante nodded hesitantly, his eyebrows furrowed. “And do you know that my grandmother was their leader?”

 

“I´ve heard something along those lines when we went through recent faction history, yes.”

 

“One of them was the illegitimate child of my grandmother. The real reason why she left my grandfather to join the factionless. So Edgar is my mother´s half-brother.”

  
Dante ran his hand through his hair, clearly distressed. Shaking his head, he rubbed his face. “Why would he do something like that to you when he´s your uncle?! That doesn’t make any sense!”

 

"Yes, it does," I whispered, fisting the sheet in my hands. "My grandmother died because of an infection and he blames my parents for it, mostly my father because he led the raid. He figured the best way to get back to him was to take him something that was as important to him as my grandmother had been for him. But instead of killing me, Edgar didn't put on a fight when they came to get me he merely hid somewhere else, leaving me behind.

Because he knew that it would be so much worse for my father having to witness what his failure caused by seeing me every single day.”

 

“How fucked up is that bastard?” Dante let out a shaky laugh, devoid of all humor. “Wait, do your parents know?”

 

My scrunched-up face was enough answer for him. “Lexi! Why didn’t you tell them?! They should know, alone for the sake of the search your father is conducting! This is huge, Lex!”

 

“I can´t.” My voice was low, a warning but Dante still continued. “Of course, you can! They have to know…!”

 

“NO!” Halting his rant, Dante stared at me, my outburst shocking him. I tried to level my voice. “They can´t know.”

 

“Why not? It could help immensely in the search…” Dante inquired, running his hand through his hair.

 

“Because it would kill my mother. I mean finding out your brother tortured your daughter because he thinks your husband killed your mother… that´s too much for anyone not nearly as fucked up as I am. And even though my mother is a strong person, this would have destroyed her – or at least my parents’ marriage. After everything I put them through I didn’t want to add that to the list of things on my conscience.”

 

"But it would have been your uncle's fault. Don´t understand me wrong, I know you want to protect your mother and all but shouldn't it be her duty to make lessen your burden, because…"

 

“Dante.” I interrupted him, not wanting to get caught up in an argument when we had so much more to talk about. “This isn’t up for discussion right now, okay? Just… ask another question or something like that.”

 

Throwing me a look that made clear we weren’t done with it, Dante sighed, taking a moment to get his thoughts in order before he slowly spoke, his face scrunched up in confusion. “Okay, so how does Sam fit in there? I mean if that was some kind of personal vendetta he shouldn’t have been taken by them…”

 

Another topic that rested heavy on my chest. “It was my fault…”

 

"Stop always saying that!" Dante interrupted his voice stern. Rolling my eyes at him I told him to shut up so I could go on.

 

“We had an argument because he hated the guy I liked and said he would only use me to get a better ranking once we transferred to dauntless. You have to understand that we never fought, like never, and suddenly he starts scolding me as if I was five, not fourteen. He said something that I got wrong, then we started screaming at each other and I ran away.” Shaking my head at Dante I signaled for him to stay quiet while I tried to get rid of the lump in my throat.

“I was stupid enough to hide in an alleyway… and that´s where they found me. Sam came because he heard me screaming and tried to help but he had no chance. I wish he would have just stayed away…”

 

Placing his hand on my bare stomach, Dante turned my chin so I had to look at him. Giving me a soft smile, he kissed my nose. Reveling in the feeling of secureness, I closed my eyes, only opening them again when he started speaking.

  
“One thing I can promise you is that he hadn’t come to your rescue the knowledge that he has abandoned you would have forever tortured him. I know, because I felt the same way that day you went after the guys who shot me. If something happened to you, it would have killed me.”

Running my hand down his cheek, I pushed him back down and laid my head on his chest. Turning my head, I pressed a kiss to his shoulder. "We already established that I´m stupid, so stop bringing that up. God... I almost fucked up everything again."

 

Slinging his arm around me again, he pulled me closer. “Don´t be so hard on yourself, we all make mistakes.”

 

I only hummed in response, absentmindedly running my fingers over his happy trail. We were silent for a moment, both lost in our own worlds.

 

“Did you and Sam ever…?” Dante spoke up after a few minutes, his voice hesitant but full of curiosity.

 

“Did we what?”

 

“You know… Were you ever something more than friends?”

 

“Eww, gross Dante!" Swatting his chest, I scrunched up my nose. "Sam was basically my brother. We never did anything like that and we would never have. I mean I really love him but I never saw him as anything but family. Maybe my protector but nothing more.”

 

Dante was silent for a moment before he let out a deep breath. “You said you love him…”

 

The repressed sadness in his voice shot a sharp pain directly in my heart and I looked up, only to see him study the ceiling. Sighing, I rolled over and placed myself on top of him so I was lying on his bare chest.

“Hey, look at me.” When Dante still didn’t turn his head, I grabbed his chin and pulled his him towards me. "Yes, I love him and that will never change but I love him like I love Theo, maybe a little more." He unwillingly cracked up, a small smile playing on his lips. "But you… I don´t even have words for what I feel when I´m with you. For the first time in years, I feel safe, secure. You know all my deepest secrets and you still stayed as if it was self-explanatory, which it isn't. You never even thought about giving up and leaving me even when I pushed you away and tried to hurt you.

In a few weeks you managed to completely turn my world around and even though I always dreaded the thought of living this mediocre life with all these bad memories I wouldn’t mind spending it with you.

In fact, I can´t think of a better life than with you by my side.”

 

Before I could react, Dante had rolled us over and pinned me to the bed, his body pressing into mine as he devoured my lips. Caught off guard, it took me a moment to react to his passion but then I buried my hands in his hair, pulling him closer. If I had known that my declaration had such an effect on him I would have done it way sooner.

Letting out a throaty moan, Dante ground his lower half against me, his arousal evident against my core. I knew where this was leading if we didn’t stop and that we had a lot to talk about, so I gently pushed him away, muttering against his lips to stop.

Dante let put a loud groan, making me chuckle at his desperation but he complied my request like I knew he would.

Sitting back, he placed a pillow on his lap. Rolling my eyes at him because there was literally no point to do so, I decided to stay quiet because I had tortured him enough for today.

Dante took a few moments to calm himself down, while I pretended to not notice his persistent staring. When he didn’t start speaking about what so obviously bothered him, I sighed.

“Dante, if you have a question just ask. I told you I would answer.”

 

Nodding his head, his expression was tense while he fiddled with the pillow. “So, Sammy´s father…?”

 

Exhaling deeply, I looked down at my hands. “I have a guess, but I don´t know for sure.”

 

Dante let out a shuttering breath and laid one hand over his eyes. I knew that he must have guessed it since finding out that Sammy was my daughter but hearing it from me…

Wanting to reassure him, I laid my hand on his arm squeezing slightly. Looking up, Dante gave me a small, strained smile and feeling the sudden urge to comfort him I climbed into his lap and pressed a kiss to where his neck met his jaw.

 

Playing with my hair, Dante laid his head on mine. “I´m sorry. I mean I already suspected it but hearing you say it… it´s hard. And I can´t even comprehend how hard it must have been for you. Not many would have gone through with the pregnancy.”

 

“I know.” The memories of lying in the infirmary bed, asking myself if I should keep the child or terminate the pregnancy was still able to rattle me to the core. All my life, this has without a doubt been the hardest decision I´ve had to make, including choosing the faction I wanted to spend my life in. “I thought about it a lot but in the end, I couldn’t do this to an innocent child. And I´m so glad I kept her. Without Sammy, I have no idea where I would be today. You saw how I used to be… and without having to stay sober during the pregnancy I would have completely gone off the deep end. I would do anything for her.”

 

Dante´s smile mirrored my own as he looked down at me. “I know what you´re talking about. I only met her twice and she already has me wrapped around her finger. Must be her mother´s charm.” He flicked the tip of my nose.

 

“Ha ha.” I drawled sarcastically while rubbing the sore spot, glaring at him. “But yes, she certainly has a way of luring people in just to demand they bring her candy.”

 

Letting out a loud laugh, Dante squeezed me against his chest. “I guess I know what I have to bribe her with from now on. You know getting into her good graces is a sure way to keep you happy.”

 

Chuckling lightly, I swatted his chest. “You´re such a sucker.”

 

“Ahh, only for you, Lex.”

 

“Shut up.” I murmured against his chest, pressing a kiss to the bare skin. We stayed silent for a few moments, swaying back and forth reveling in the calming feeling of bare skin against each other.

 

“Soo…” Dante started hesitantly, not wanting to disrupt our moment of comfort. But his thirst for knowledge made it impossible for him to stay silent for long. "The guy you looked at before you broke your chains, is he Sam´s father?"

 

Sighing, I rolled onto my back, arms sprawled out. “I guess so. They have the same eyes but there´s no way of really knowing. At least he wasn’t one of the worse.”

 

“What do you mean he wasn’t bad?! He still touched you!” Dante seethed, his hands curled into fists. Placing my hand on his, I uncurled it, lacing our fingers together.

 

“Yes,” I admitted, trying to sound calming. “but he wasn’t overly cruel like some. He was actually fairly young so I guess he failed initiation or was born factionless and needed someone to care for him. And the only reason he joined them was peer pressure.” When Dante tensed beside me, ready to explode again I placed my hand on his chest. “I´m not saying that what he did was right but he did save my life.”

 

“What do you mean?” Dante was hesitant, obviously debating if he really wanted to know. Turning towards him, I gave him a tight smile.

 

"It was really cold in the basement and because I didn't have a real blanket I got pneumonia shortly after the blizzard hit the city. He was the one to sneak medication in, sometimes even an extra slice of bread. So yeah, it could be worse…"

 

Dante snorted, his expression closed up. “Doesn’t mean I won´t shoot him if he ever crossed way´s with me.”

 

“Don´t bother, he´s dead.” Catching his surprised gaze, I elaborated. “He was one of the few who stayed back when my father and his men came. On the way out, I saw his body.”

 

“Well, he deserved it.” Grumbling to himself, Dante ran a hand through his hair. I watched how his expression turned thoughtful, a hint of worry marring his handsome face. “So, when you saw him in the sim, what happened?”

 

“I realized that it wasn’t real, so I broke my chains.” Dante abruptly sat up, his shoulders tense as he stared at me. After a few tense seconds, I had to know what was wrong. “ _What?_ ”

 

"You´re divergent." His voice was void of any emotion as he stared into nothingness and for the first time, I saw something haunted flash behind his eyes.

 

“You could say so. What´s the big deal with being divergent?” I asked, not understanding. From what I knew everyone in my family had more than one result. Well, except for me of course.

 

“Wow.” Dante laughed but it wasn’t his normal, cheerful laugh. This one was full of bitterness and incredulity. “In what a world you have to live where being divergent isn´t a _big deal_.”

 

Blinking rapidly, I tried to keep up with the sudden change of his attitude. "What´s wrong?" But when I reached out for him, Dante shrugged my hand off his shoulder and shuffled away from me. "Dante?"

 

“What´s wrong? You´re asking me _what´s wrong_?” Dante asked sharply while tugging his hair. Turning towards me, I almost shriveled back from the intensity of his anger. "Well, Lexi. How many results did you get? Two? Or maybe three? Maybe you got all five but for you, that´s obviously not a big deal."

 

Brushing the hair out of my face, I met his angry stare with a more leveled one. “None.”

 

“Yeah right.” He rolled his eyes, obviously not believing me. But when I held his eyes, staying quiet, Dante seemed to deflate, all air leaving his body. “ _That´s not possible._ ”

 

Lowering my eyes to the blanket that I slung tighter around myself, it was my turn to let out a sarcastic laugh. “Well, we already established that I´m pretty fucked up so it shouldn’t be a big surprise for anyone.”

 

“Does anyone know?!” Disregarding my statement completely, Dante was in front of me in an instant, gripping my shoulders tightly. “Who administrated your test?!”

 

“I don´t know!” Gripping his forearms tightly, I leaned away from him. To see Dante who was the epitome of calmness so flustered made the anxiety coil in my guts. “Some nose, okay!”

 

Dante froze, his face falling. Before I could do more than wonder what was up with him, he had already let go, sitting down at the edge of the bed with his face buried in his hands. “She knows, she knows…”

 

I had to strain my ears to understand what he was saying but when I did, it only confused me more. Scooting closer, I refrained from touching him since he obviously wanted space. “Who knows, Dante?”

 

Shaking his head, Dante got up, snatching up a pair of sweatpants from the floor as he disappeared into the kitchen where shortly after a loud clanking was heard. I stayed on the bed for a few moments, too shocked to comprehend that he just left me stranded in his bed before I too got up. Doing the same, I quickly slipped on one of his shirts, following him into the dimly illuminated kitchen.

Dante was standing in front of the counter, a tumbler in hand that was filled with an amber colored liquid. I had never seen him drink something heavier than a beer but here he was in the middle of the night downing whiskey like it was ice tea.

 

My steps were careful as I stepped closer, wary of what I was supposed to do. Even before I was sleepwalking through life I have never been overly comfortable with displays of strong emotions, even though I now knew what it was to feel all-consuming anger. But now that it came from the person that was my rock I was as frozen in my spot with no idea what the hell I was supposed to do. Should I sling my arms around him to calm him down through my presence, should I kiss him to distract him or was a slap the right way?

Deciding that I had to do something I took a step forward the exact same moment Dante let out a frustrated scream and flung the glass against the floor.

 

Reacting instantly, I turned away, shielding my face to avoid the sharp pieces of glass to nick my face but I felt a few minor cuts on my bare tights that started to sting a few seconds later.

Dropping my arms, my wide eyes found Dante who was already staring at me with regret etched all over his face. He made a move to come over to me but I took a step back, raising my hand to stop him. “Stop!”  Freezing, Dante´s face fell, his expression shameful as he stared at the remnants of the tumbler scattered all over the floor.

“I don´t know what is wrong but before I allow you to touch me again I want you to tell me.”

 

“Lexi…” Dante´s voice was strained. Shaking his head he adverted his eyes to the floor. “I can´t…”

 

"Yes, you can!" Even to my own ears, my voice sounded stern. "You know _everything_ about me, things that no one knows and I know absolutely _nothing_ about you except that you have a little sister and that you´re parents are scientists in erudite. And that you obviously have some kind of absurd problem with divergents.  I think it´s time for you to trust me like I trust you, Dante.”

 

“Maybe,” His voice was forceful and I could tell that he was trying to keep his composure. “there´s a reason I don´t like to talk about my family or former faction!”

 

“Oh, really? And talking to my boyfriend about how I was raped and had a child was _so easy_.” My harsh words made Dante flinch but I was beyond caring at this point. “Do you honestly think I don´t know what it means to go through something traumatic? Or how to deal with difficult parents? Believe me, _I know_ , Dante!”

 

"At least your parents love you and didn't use you like some guinea pig to rise in the ranks of their faction!" Dante exploded, clearing the counter with one swipe of his arm. The half-full whiskey bottle shattered on the floor, steel pans clattering loudly as they landed on tiles. Dante´s breathing was labored as he leaned against the counter with tightly shut eyes, head hanging low. "And if she knows your result she won't stop at anything to get you."

 

“Who is she?” My heart beat loudly in my ears as I tried to make sense of his statement. When he only shook his head, lips pressed into a narrow line, I asked again. “Dante, who is _she_?”

 

“Jeanine…” Raising his gaze, I met his tired eyes and the despair in them shook me to the core. “Jeanine Matthews… If she knows – and she knows – then she will stop at nothing to get you to make you her own personal test object.”

 

Furrowing my brows, I lightly shook my head. “Dante… they are not really using humans as subjects, that are just stories.”

 

He made sure to keep eye contact as he answered. “Yes, they do.”

 

The implication behind this one sentence forced its way into my innermost being and the pain it brought almost caused my knees to buckle beneath me. Gasping, I grabbed the edge of the counter to keep myself upright but I could do nothing to stop the tears from rising in my eyes. “Dante…”

 

“Don´t.” His voice was sharp, years of suppressed pain forcing its way out of him in a few seconds. “I don´t want to be pitied.”

 

“I´m not fucking pitying you, Dante!” I choked out, the mere thought of someone causing him pain too unbearable for me to endure. Not being able to hold myself upright for any longer, I let myself slide down the counter until I was sitting on the cold floor clutching my chest.

 

"Oh, for fuck´s sake!" Strong, warm arms slung themselves around my waist, pulling me against a broad chest. Dante had let himself fall to the floor beside me, pulling me into his lap. It took me a moment to get my breath back but then I laid my head against his shoulder, knowing how utterly selfish it was to be so weak when Dante needed me. “Tell me.”

 

"Lexi…" Dante was hesitant but at this point, I _needed_ to know. Imagination can be your worst enemy.

“ _Please._ ”

 

Letting out a deep breath, Dante tightened his grip around my waist, he buried his nose in my hair before starting to speak in a monotone voice. "My mother is one of the lead scientists regarding genetics while my father helps to develop all the different serums from the one for the fear simulation to the one for the aptitude test." I never thought one sentence could be so full of resentment and I tightened my grip on his arms in response. "Since there obviously isn't anything greater than research it was only a question of time until they started researching on their own child. I was seven when I first went through the aptitude test and the results came back as… inconclusive. Equal times dauntless and erudite with a little bit of amity.”

 

Whirling my head around to look at him, I found Dante staring into the room, his eyes unfocused as if he was reliving a painful memory. Blinking a few times, he focused on my face and tried to give me a small smile that was more a grimace.

 

“You´re divergent.” I breathed, making him huff in agreement.

 

"No big deal, right? Except that my parents are still supporters of the theory that divergents are dangerous and are better off dead. But they soon realized what an advantage that would give them. Imagine this: their own personal test subject that would do anything they asked for because he wanted to make them proud." Dante shook his head, a bitter chuckle leaving his lips and I couldn't help but see his eyes get glassy. “So they used me for countless experiments on nature versus nurture or how a young brain reacts to a fear simulation, most under the supervision of Jeanine Matthews. And I, trying to be the perfect little erudite let them. Only when I turned twelve and heard them talking about how I was getting useless because the serums didn’t work on me, did I really understand what was happening. It was the day I decided I would leave and never come back.”

 

While he talked, I had turned around on his lap so I was now facing him. Dante had his eyes closed and I tried to be gentle with the way I turned his head to get access to his neck. Letting my fingers trail over the small, round scars I knew now where they came from and cursed myself for making the connection sooner. Leaning forwards, I pressed my lips against the spot where there were many overlapping. It was where we too were injected for the sims. 

Dante sighed, tightening his grip around me. I understood that he wanted me to stay quiet because he wasn’t done yet.

 

“My sister, who was born when I was five, always was perfect. Her results came back confirming she was only erudite, nothing like her freak brother. You have to understand, that love is only a concept in erudite and I never thought I would say this but I know that my parents loved her. Me on the other hand, I was an experiment gone wrong.” Dante placed his hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look at him.

"I love you, Lexi. More than I ever thought I could love someone and I know you´re not ready to say it yet but it´s just… Once in my life would I like to know what it feels to be loved.”

 

Taking a deep breath to suppress the tears that started to rise in my eyes, I smiled at him. Placing my hand on his cheek, I caressed the short stubble, knowing he hadn’t shaved this morning – the way I liked it.

“Words don´t mean anything.”

 

“Yeah…” Not being able to stand the way his face fell, I got up tugging on his hand. Dante just shot me a questioning look but complied when I pulled him back into the bedroom.

 

“Get dressed.” Stepping into my panties, I threw the shirt I was wearing at his confused face. Pulling it off, Dante stared at me like I had gone crazy.

“What are you doing, Lexi? It´s almost 1 am.”

 

Clasping the bra behind my back, I threw him my brightest smile.

 

“I´m going to show you what it feels to be loved.”

* * *

 

Dante paced in front of the door, a scowl on his face. “You know, when you said you would make me feel loved, _this_ wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.”

 

This was the inside of Tori´s tattoo parlor in which we were currently standing. Rolling my eyes at him, I took off my shirt and laid it on the table, where the pads were already waiting for me. Granted, Tori had been less than thrilled to be woken up in the middle of the night but since George was something akin to my gay uncle she had taken mercy on me and opened up the parlor.

Dante was also less than thrilled, not understanding why we were here. I guess he thought we´d have sex on the top of the Ferris wheel or something like that and even though I´m not completely against that idea, it was a little bit late for that considering that I´d have a fight tomorrow.

 

I was busy opening the clasp on my bra when the door opened and Tori stepped in, slightly sleepy and a scowl on her face. I gave her my brightest smile in hopes to quell her anger but she only grunted, asking if the tattoo still stayed the same.

When I affirmed, she told me to lie down while she got a pair of gloves and the pad from the side. While she tipped something in, Dante leaned against the wall with crossed arm, his eyebrows furrowed and a small pout on his face.

I only shook my head, telling him to behave while Tori busied herself with the area between my breasts, cleaning it before applying a gel and the pad.

Her usual warning was soon followed by a series of strings, fading to itches that tempted me to scratch the skin off my bones but as soon as it came it was already gone again. The area had been more painful than I was used since there was absolutely no buffer between the sternum, my ribs, and the needles except for a small patch of skin.

 

It took only five minutes to complete the tattoo and Tori pulled off the pad, before putting a special ointment on my skin that should prevent infections. With that, she threw me the key telling me to close up behind us while she went back home. I would just hand it to George tomorrow morning at breakfast since I knew the parlor wouldn’t open till midday.

 

I got up from the chair that largely resembled the sim chair and walked towards the large mirror to admire my newest acquisition. Thinking about the meaning behind these words, a large smile threatened to split my face in half. It even caused Dante, who had still been pouting to come closer.

 

Stepping behind me, he squinted his eyes to read the quote that was now permanently inked right above my heart. Grabbing my shoulders, he swirled me around, his gaze glued to the valley between my breasts where the quote I had been planning to get for a few weeks now, made every spoken confession between us unnecessary.

The words of a poet living hundreds and hundreds of years ago were now as significant as they have been then. Conveniently, he bore the same name as the man standing in front of me.

 

The upper half consisted of a black sun, while the lower half was a crescent moon, both so dissimilar objects joined together through a string of stars. It was almost a perfect picture of our relationship, two so different personalities joined through something so simple, yet so beautiful.

 

_“The love that moves the sun and all the other stars”_

_\- Dante A._

 

 

Staring at the ink on my skin, Dante´s face softened before his lips curled up into a small smile, whose genuineness took my breath away. Even his eyes sparkled as he looked up at me. Mirroring his expression, I laid a hand on his cheek before rising to the tip of my toes, placing a small kiss on his lips.

 

“I told you that I would show you what being loved feels like…”

 

The rest of my statement was caught by his lips, as Dante threw my bra through the room, heaving me onto the table. When he latched onto my neck, unbuttoning my pants, I knew this was it.

This is what love feels like.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it even though the first half is rather calm.. I´ll edit this tomorrow or so because I´m falling asleep writing.. :D
> 
> I also started working on another project that I plan to post as soon as possible :)
> 
> So until then thank you for reading & to everyone who reviewed! :)


	23. Chapter 22

***not edited***

**They were all here** , standing in a circle around the ring, my father, brother, uncle, even the transfers, watching – waiting for us to start. It was the third to last fight in the first part of initiation which would be over in exactly one week and since this was supposed to be some sort of punishment they all came to watch.

Over the last few weeks between the sims, we still trained hard, being taught how to shoot, how to throw knives and how to take your opponent down. As if we dauntless born wouldn't have already known.

Until now, I hadn’t lost a single fight, even against Owen and Avery when it felt wrong to be as ruthless as usually. This one will not be anything else, I wouldn’t forgive myself to lose against Cat.

Like they did with today, assigning us to go last, I guessed my brother and Dante wanted the hardest fights to occur at the end of training, an especially cruel move since those would determine our ranking. That´s why I hadn’t yet fought Riley or Marc, the most ruthless and the strongest male initiates, who both hated me, yet for different reasons. Marc, since he saw me as his strongest opponent and Riley because of the one time I tackled him when he tried to strangle one of the girls.

_That will be fun._

 

My father stepped forward gesturing me and Cat, who was surrounded by her friends, to the ring. I complied his commands, smiling lightly when Owen clasped my shoulder and Avery winked at me.

“Don´t you think her nose would look better broken?” Ivy asked with a low voice, smirking devilishly. Shaking my head, I bumped into her shoulder, laughing and steadying her when she let out a loud grunt. Patting her arm, I made my way to the slightly raised platform and onto the mat, shaking out my arms.

 

Cat stepped up second, shooting me a murderous glare when I bit my lip, refraining myself from laughing when I saw that her eye was a nice shade of blue, the cut on her forehead covered by a band aid.

Cocking my head, I watched her, taking notice of every possible weakness oh her body. I knew she had taken a rather painful kick to the ribs in her last fight, paired with the damage I´ve done yesterday it´d be a good start. Another easy target, her ponytail.

 

My father came to halt right in front of the ring, accompanied by Dante and Theo, all of them having their arms crossed over the chest. I smirked. At least Dante fit right in with the two of them.

Looking from me to Cat, dad made a sweeping gesture with his hand, motioning for us to start. "Today initiates."

 

Cat didn’t waste second, storming towards me like a bull, anger overruling logic. I let her come closer, taking a step away the last possible second while simultaneously tripping her, making her fall to the floor. Landing with a grunt, I let her stand up again, lazily walking to the other side of the ring.

From our audience were snickers heard and I risked a quick glance to the almighty trio, surprised to see that my uncle had joined them. Toby stood there, hiding his lips behind his fingers and I knew he was suppressing a smirk. Dante beside him tried his hardest to keep a straight face like the other two.

Looking to the other side, Ivy wore a full-blown grin and now I knew that Avery was the one who snickered, being reprimanded by Owen.

 

By now Cat was back up again, her face a deep shade of red either cause by anger or humiliation – I was fine with both. This time I actually bothered to take in my stance but kept it loose, knowing she wouldn’t make the same mistake twice if she was at least a little smart.

I was right, Cat was slowly inching closer to where I was standing, one step at the time until I couldn’t contain myself any longer, taking two large steps until I was right in front of her. Deflecting the fist coming my way, I planted mine deeply in her midsection letting her fall when she doubled over in pain, the breath knocked out of her.

 

Greatly enjoying tormenting her, I took a step away, waiting for her to get back up. If she thinks she is better than me then she should prove it right here, right now. But there were no actions that backed up her words, making me actually pity her a little.

After this, everyone will know what a coward she really is.

 

Tightening my ponytail, I gave Cat enough time to pull herself together, slowly circling her like a predator would his prey. I came to a halt when she faced me again, eyes narrowing into slits, but she reeked of fear.

Smirking, I pretended to lunge at her, making her flinch away, her face turning mortified she glanced around only now realizing that everyone was watching us.

 

“That´s enough!” My father voice boomed through the room, his eyes narrowed at me. “Stop fucking playing with her. This is supposed to be a fight between two dauntless. If I wanted to watch a pathetic little girl I´d go fetch a stiff and put her back up there without training.” His disgusted glare was pointed at Cat. “But even then, I have seen better fighting than this. Get it over with, Lexi.”

 

I gave him a short nod, readying myself to attack but the moment I had turned my head, Cat had seized her opportunity, flying over the mats, tackling me to the ground. Hitting first my back and then my head painfully, I didn't try to fight the gravity pulling me down but used it to my advantage, taking Cat with me as I rolled backward, effectively ramming both of my knees in her ribcage when I landed on top of her.

 

She wheezed out a loud breath, eyes bulging when the pain registered in her head and that’s when I knew I had at least cracked two of her ribs. I knew better than to restrict her breathing further, not even I was that cruel but she had given me quite the bump on the back of my head and a few bruises on my back so my generosity was exhausted for today.

I had her underneath me, unable to defend herself just like I had wanted yesterday when I was close to scratching her face off.

I was mad now too, but mostly at myself for ever letting her have an in because that’s the reason why you lose fights in the first place.

 

Remembering my father’s words and wanting this whole ordeal over with, I pulled back my fist ignoring the fear in her eyes and delivered one of the strongest punches I ever had, a loud crack resonating through the quiet room. Cat´s head snapped back against the mat, eyes rolling back she went unconscious, her nose crooked at an odd angle.

 

I slowly got off from her, shaking out my hand, knowing my knuckles would be blue tonight, not to mention that I now desperately needed a headache pill. The crowd dispersed, my father and brother, giving me a nod that said ´well-accomplished´ before leaving to do some leader business. The dauntless born chattering away as if nothing had happened while the transfers looked up at me in horror, not yet used to this sort of violence, their instructor who didn't quite seemed to be fond of me, glaring in my direction.  

 

Dante broke up our little circle completely when he told Alex and Jackson to bring Cat to the infirmary and for the rest to go back to practicing on the bags before coming over to where I was standing at the water table. He discreetly placed a hand on the low of my back, his other going to feel where my head had met the floor making me flinch.

“You okay?” He asked, his voice low.

 

"Yeah," I answered off-handedly, unscrewing the lid of my bottle taking a swing.

 

“Really?” Dante questioned sarcastically, subtly turning me back towards him with his hand on my hip. Biting my lip, I shrugged my shoulders avoiding his gaze. “Lexi.”

 

“I´m mad at myself, okay?” Turning towards him, I raked a hand through my hair. “Taking a hit like that… It was just stupid.”

 

Dante´s arm twitched, signaling that he´d like to pull me into him but since we were in a room full of people he resorted to intertwining two of our fingers. Looking down at them, I thought about how such a mistake could cost my life and put others in danger outside in the city.

“Your father distracted you, it wasn’t your fault.” Dante smiled when I looked at him hopefully, squeezing his fingers.

 

“You think so?” I whispered, gnawing on my cheek.

 

“I know it.” Giving me a soft smile, Dante lightly pushed me away from the refreshment table. “Now go and get some painkillers for that bump of yours, you´re dismissed for today.”

 

Feeling a stare on us, I refrained from answering, simply saluting him before walking out of the training room, a small smile playing on my lips.

* * *

 

The rest of the afternoon and early evening went by uneventful. I ate in the cafeteria sharing a table with my _friends_ who were greatly amused by the things that happened earlier, Ivy reenacting the moment Cat knew she had fucked up, gushing about the way I had executed that backward roll, claiming I had to teach her immediately. 

I only chuckled, confirming that I would help her with it.

 

Even though I enjoyed the time with them, Dante was waiting for me in his flat, our relationship after the talk we had yesterday suddenly becoming even more heart rate. And surprising myself I realized that it was this sense of security that I had craved all along. Something no one night stand could over me.

 

Absentmindedly I took a wrong turn, only realizing it when I came out at the chasm instead of the living blocks on the east side of the compound. I went to turn around when I saw a lone figure sitting on the bridge staring into the torrential river that ran through the chasm. Taking cautious steps forwards, I soon realized that it was one of the twins from abnegation and the empty expression on his face had me wandering over to him.

Sitting down, I let my feet dangle over the edge and he flinched looking at me with a startled expression that turned into confusion when he recognized me.

I knew that he was either called Rob or Bob but from that funny guy on the first evening here was little left. For one, he had started packing serious muscle like I knew he would with the constant training and the meals high in protein but from close up I could clearly see the exhaustion in his eyes that were full of worry.

 

Trailing my gaze over him, I took in how his mouth was turned down, shirt disheveled and knuckles bruised from hours of working the punching bag. Sighing, he shook his head before rubbing his eyes and turning towards me. “You don´t have to stay here, I´m fine.”

Giving me a strained smile, he turned away obviously expecting me to believe his blatant lie and leave.

Snorting, I shook my head. "Right. And I know a person close to jumping when I see one." I told him sarcastically, almost expecting him to get whiplash that fast he turned his head.

 

“What?” Opening and closing his mouth like a fish he stared at me, shocked. “You… I thought… They said you don´t talk! Why do you talk?!”

 

Chuckling slightly, I shrugged my shoulders. “Well, I didn’t. And now I do. That easy.”

 

Nodding his head, he absently raised his eyebrows, muttering. “That easy, huh…?”

 

“Yeah.” Mirroring his movements, I too nodded, reminiscing about how hard it had really been. All the way from meeting Dante in the bar, to him taking care of me, all our little fights and the big one and still – he stayed. Because he was someone who didn’t take the easy way out, someone who loved enough to bother getting to know a girl that pushed him away over and over again. He was a good person.

And for once, I wanted to be like that too.

 

“So,” I started, looking over to the guy beside me. ”Bob?”

 

“Rob.” He corrected me, slightly scrunching up his nose.

 

"Okay, Rob." I started again, swinging my legs through the air shivering a little. It was fucking cold here. "What is bothering you so much that you have me sitting her freezing my ass off?"

 

My question elicited a small chuckle from him, one corner of his lips curling up. “I never said you had to stay.”

 

“Well,” I started, rolling my eyes in a good manner. “I won´t leave you here and let you jump if that´s what you think.”

Immediately the last traces of laughter vanished, Rob, bowing his head slightly. "I didn't plan on jumping."

 

“Uh-huh.” I deadpanned, raising one eyebrow. “You got the talk on your first day. This is where dauntless come to jump and you know it. Don´t try to lie to me.”

 

"I really didn't want to. It´s just…" He started but stopped shaking his head. I turned towards him, watching him closely. "It´s my instructor, Blade…"

 

“That fucking asshole.” I groaned, not for the first time asking myself why my father would put someone as that to train the transfers. Dante is so much better and I don´t just say it because we´re… we, but because he really takes his time getting to know everyone’s weak points and then thinks of the best way to get us to improve.

Honestly, he has fucking notes about everyone that I´m not allowed to see because it would give me an `unfair advantage´. I tried.

 

"He is." Rob agreed but he didn't smile. If possible, his expression fell, even more, the worry lines around his eyes getting more prominent. "Blade said that if I fail the shooting range tomorrow I´ll be factionless. So what´s even the point in trying?” Rob started laughing, his voice entirely humorless and as he looked over to me I knew he had already given up and accepted his faith.

 

For a moment, I was too stunned to answer, blinking rapidly as my mind tried to register what he just said. Making initiates factionless was kind of a last resort for people who were either entirely unfitting for dauntless or tried to maliciously harm another member – which has to be an extreme breach of our rules since dauntless were known to fight.

Alone from locking at Rob, I know he was neither.

 

"You´re not going to become factionless," I stated, only earning me an incredulous snort from him.

 

“Oh, and how do you know?” Rob asked, clearly not believing one word I said.

 

“Do you know who I am?” I inquired silently, just getting an ´of course´ in return. “Great, then you also know what happened to me. And why my father got rid of the cuts since most of the rebels consist of dauntless who we´re thrown out during their initiation.”

 

Widening his eyes, Rob´s mouth turned up into an ´Oh´- form as he nodded, clearly getting my point. “But it doesn’t mean you can fail at something as important as target practice – which is really not that hard.”

 

"Well, you have it easy!" He exclaimed, letting his head fall against the railing. "You most likely shot your first gun at four and were perfect at five."

 

 

“Eight.” I corrected him, smiling when a memory of Sam with a too large gun in hand flitted through my mind. “My mother put a stop to too early gun training when my brother shot himself in the foot with six. She was heavily pregnant with me when it happened and the stress caused her to go into labor. My father still looks freaked out whenever they talk about it. Mom must have been terrifying.” I chuckled, thinking that she was the only one dad really was afraid of.

 

"No wonder you turned out like that," Rob muttered, face distraught.

 

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked offended by his off-hand comment. I wasn’t that bad.

 

“Well, you have that whole warrior princess thing going on for you. I always asked myself how you can be so strong but if your mother really dares to scream at your father, she must be one hell of a woman.” I started laughing, taking it as a compliment but when I saw his ears reddening, I tried my best to stop. “Sorry, I´m not yet used to curse out loud. In abnegation that´s frowned upon.”

 

This time I did nothing to stop my laughter, only shaking my head before getting up, brushing my clothes off. They were slightly damp from the little water droplets that floated through the air. Holding out my hand, I watched how Rob eyed it wearily before taking it, let me help him up.

“Come on.” Not looking back, I started walking away leaving him to scramble after me.

 

"Where are we going?" Calling after me, Rob did his best to catch up when I quickened my pace further. Turning around, I resorted to walking backward throwing him a quick smile.

 

“I´m going to teach you how to shoot. And remember, dauntless never give up.”

* * *

 

“Okay, your stance is alright but now you just have to aim a little higher from where the bullet is supposed to hit the target because of the slight default.”

We have been here on the windy roof for the last hour, that has been completely spent by teaching him the correct stance and how to assemble a gun accurately.

Since this shooting range was usually closed, we´ve had to make a slight detour to Dante´s flat where I told him I´d have to pass this evening, stealthily sneaking his access card from his jacket. I knew he wouldn’t mind but if someone caught us, I could take the blame.

I had left him with a kiss and a promise to come crawling underneath his sheets later the night. But now, watching Rob being pushed to the ground by the recoiling gun, I cringed knowing we´d be here much longer than I expected.

That’s what you get for trying to be good.

 

It was 11 pm when first hit the target, 1 am is when his shoots got more precise and 3 am when he finally started getting close to the bullseye, occasionally grazing it.

I was too tired and cold to join in his victory dance but I cracked a genuine smile before telling him to put the gun away and get some sleep since I planned to do the same.

 

It was quarter past 4 am when I finally crawled into Dante´s bed, frozen to the bone and exhausted like whenever I had a nightmare. Ever since occupying Dante´s bed they had gotten less and far in between and if I had one, they were a lot less intense and he always there to soothe me back to sleep.

So over the last two months, I had gotten used to having at least six hours of sleep, so suddenly having less than four completely threw me off the loop.

 

Dante, who questioned me about my whereabouts and why I had resembled an ice block last night quickly caught up on my exhaustion and brought me a strong coffee, something that alone earned him our quickie in the shower.

On our way to the training room, I then proceeded to tell him all about last night, even managing to get us onto the roof so I could watch my hard work unravel.

 He had thrown me a strange look, asking why I would help a transfer from abnegation. Blushing, I admitted that his kindness was the reason and when I saw the smile on his face I knew my embarrassing admission had been worth it.

But when he told me that he was proud of me, that was when the warmth in my chest made my whole being glow.

 

Even though we spent the whole morning on the roof, shooting at targets I never once got cold. Having Dante by my side and seeing how Rob managed to get a decent score, landing him in the middle of the whole lot of transfers and therefore effectively telling Blade to go to hell really made my day.

 

I thought it couldn't even get better until I slowly started to get wind of rumors that simultaneously excited every dauntless in the compound and made the initiates heartrate spike because we´d be the main attraction at this event.

It was coming.

  
War games.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who wonder where I´ve been all this time, I posted the first chapter for another Eric fic today! :) It´s really long & took me at least four days to complete so if you like ptp maybe you should check it out!
> 
> And if any of you wondered, this story is far from being finished, I have a little bit more in store for you all :D
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading & to everyone who takes the time to review! If you have any questions please don´t hesitate to write me, I´m always happy about getting messages! :)
> 
>  


	24. Chapter 23

 

 ***not edited** *****

**I knew the day** had come when Dante carefully approached me after we were done running around the compound and told me it would be better to stay in the dorms for tonight. 

Starting to smirk, I only gave him a wink since Avery choose that exact moment to pull me away for dinner and a little relaxing time after.

We stayed in the pit for an hour, all of us nursing one beer, the anticipation for tonight running so high that everyone knew what was coming. Even when ignoring all the comments being thrown our way.

Pretending to throw my bottle away when the three of us turned to leave, I purposely bumped into Rob, telling him to not get drunk and at least two hours of sleep. Ignoring his questions, I let Ivy pull me away towards our dorms.

After their teasing about how this was the first time I actually slept in my bed, not just coming to change in the early morning was done, we went to sleep at 10 pm just to be woken up at 2 by Dante banging a pipe against one of the beds, telling us we had 5 minutes to meet him in the pit. Smart as we were, we had already dressed in thermal underwear, only having to grab our combat clothes and our jackets, slipping in our boots before being ready to go.

 

The four of us, including a very grumpy Owen, were the first ones to arrive and I was pleasantly surprised to see that instead of the transfers instructor, who despised basically everyone, Harper stood tall at Theo´s and Ben´s side, flanked by the twins and Krissy, her best friend and Christina´s daughter.

Seeing them standing side by side, I couldn’t contain the smirk that threatened to split my face in two. This was going to be one hell of a night.

 

Harper and Krissy wore matching fishtail braids, only adding a more military air to their uniforms, not one hair out of place. Catching my grin, Harper wiggled her eyebrows at me but schooled her face carefully when the rest of the initiates arrived almost simultaneously followed by a loud holler of the drunk dauntless all around us.

Satisfied that everyone was here, the fourteen dauntless born as well as the ten transfers, Theo stepped forwards standing tall as ever.

"Listen up!" He called, his voice full of authority. "We are going to participate in a dauntless tradition as old as this faction." His announcement was interrupted by hollering and things banging from all over the pit. Raising his hand, Theo demanded them to shut up. "But since the factionless are still unsettled the security measures are heightened immensely. We´ll be on the old pier as every year, but for the duration of our war games, you´ll be forbidden to leave a certain area that is patrolled by our forces who made sure that this will go over without a hitch.

So, if I catch anyone of you beyond that certain area your ass is mine, understood?”

 

His answer was a series of yelled ‘Yes, Sir´s’ and Theo nodded, seemingly satisfied by our reply since he gestured for Ben to open the bag. Stepping forward, Ben pulled out a small gun and a packet I knew contained ammo, holding them up for us to see.

“We´re going to play capture the flag like every year. But this time, there will be a little twist.”

Cocking his head, he smirked. “We´ll explain everything in the train which will arrive in exactly four minutes at the rails. Everyone who´s not making it will pray for mercy once we´re done with you. Grab a gun and hurry the fuck up!”

 

Hollering the last part, he started jogging away followed by all of the members accompanying him, guns already hanging by their sides. Shooting Dante who smirked slightly a dirty look, I threw myself into the middle scramble.

* * *

 

We all made it onto the train, barely.

Panting like crazy, most of the transfers and a few of us were doubled over, hands stemmed on their knees, trying to catch their breath. My own chest was heaving heavily as I pushed through the initiates to get where my family was, sending them all glares.

 

"Listen up!" Harper called, the crowd quieting down slowly. "You all got a gun and a set of ammo.”

 

“Looks more like a toy.” One of the transfer said, inspecting the plastic gun with distaste. Knowing exactly what Andy was going to do, concluding from his expression, I loaded one of the darts into the weapon and pulled the trigger the same time as he did.

The transfer fell to the floor, clutching his abdomen while Andy´s leg gave out, sending him too, to the floor. With one knee on the floor and the other in front of him, he send me a glare, aiming in my direction. But before he could pull the trigger and start a personal war, Theo swatted the barrel away, bend down and pulled the stim dart out of Andy´s ass cheek, sending me a reprimanding look as he held it in the air.

 

"Thanks, Lexi." He commented dryly, walking over to the transfer to pull that dart out, too. "The neuro stim darts simulate the pain of a real bullet wound but only last a few seconds up to mere minutes, depending on where the target is hit. So far so good.” Theo nodded at Harper who stepped up with another bag, handing out devices to every one of the initiates.

 

"Those are trackers, lights, and sensors at once, they even have speakers so you´ll be able to communicate." She spoke up, pushing button making the device light up white. "You will place this and your jacket and be synced with whoever is your team captain." Looking up at Theo he gestured for him to go on and he pulled out something that looked like a tablet, typing something in. Harper's light flashed red. "See. That way your captain will see wherever you are at any time but beware: If this falls into the hand of the enemy you´re pretty much screwed." Her lips curled into a smirk and I knew it got even better. "Your sensors are also able to detect if you got hit and through the electric impulse also know which part of your body. Since you´ll synchronize all your darts before we start there will be also a ranking consisting of a hit-to-fire ratio, how often you got shot and if those would have disabled or killed you. All of this was specially developed for this year's initiation from yours truly." Gesturing towards herself and the smirking twins, Harper stepped back and let Theo take over again.

 

“Believe me, you don´t want to be last in this ranking.” Giving us a meaningful look, he clasped his hands in front of him, his expression turning excited. “Since we´re done with the formalities, Ben and I are captains, Dante with him while Harper´s with me, let´s choose.”

 

Gesturing for him to start, Ben stayed back taking everyone around him in. Smirking, Theo let his gaze flit through the compartment before he stopped at me. “Lexi.”

 

Walking towards him, he ruffled through my hair, pulling me into his chest while Ben groaned. “Marc.”

 

Freeing myself from his grasp, I came to stand beside Harper who slung one arm around my waist as Theo called Owen over. The choosing went on and to my delight did Cat and up on Ben´s team, just like Riley, while Ivy and Rob joined us.

Soon the initiates were all chosen, leaving the few members.

 

“Tonight we´ll see who´s victorious. The Coulter or Eaton clan.” Harper murmured into my ear and as I looked up confused by her statement, I saw that both of the twins had joined Ben, while Krissy came over to us. Turning towards our team, Harper stemmed her hands on her hips, her face turning stony as she addressed them. “Like you see, this is a family feud and if we lose you not only has to answer to your ranks but also to my father.”

 

Several faces turned white at her threat but Harper was unfazed, as she walked by me towards the door. “That should get them going.” She whispered before speaking up again. “We get off here, get ready to jump!”

 

Pulling open the door, she was the first one to disappear into the night and I let the transfers scramble after her, only turning around before getting out to look at Dante who was already watching me with a regretful smile. I replied with a promising smirk, throwing myself off the train, rolling up when I hit the floor, unable to just come to a stand.

 

“Okay, guys. Over here!” Waving his arm in the air, Theo ordered us to come closer, tablet in hand. “It looks like we´re ready to go, everyone´s synced. From the moment, the others are also done, we´ll have fifteen minutes before it officially starts. So, let´s discuss where we hide the flag!”

 

“What´s the strategically best place to hide it?” The erudite who knocked me over on the roof after the choosing ceremony asked, his eyes taking in the abandoned fair around us.

 

“We won´t help you transfer. This is an exercise for you all so don´t expect our help. We´re just here to make sure you don´t kill yourself out of stupidity.” Harper replied coldly, seizing him up. He shrunk back, her expression obviously intimidating to him and I snorted.

 

Pushing through the people, I came to a halt beside Rob who was standing on the sidelines, only watching. Turning away from the others, I murmured beside his shoulder. "The Ferris wheel."

 

“What?” He asked, startled by my appearance.

 

Rolling my eyes, I nodded towards my siblings. “The Ferris wheel is the best place to hide it. Speak up.”

 

Giving me a doubtful look, he hesitated but when I raised one eyebrow he scurried forward, interrupting whoever was speaking, drawing all the attention to himself. “We should hide it on top of the Ferris wheel. Technically we don´t even have to hide it, no one will be able to get up there, especially if we have a sniper targeting everyone who gets too close.”

 

Theo and Harper both stopped to stare at him, stunned that someone so ordinary as Rob would come up with a typical dauntless strategy. I could see that they took him in a second time, reevaluating their opinion of him. A light blush appeared on Rob's cheek when everyone turned towards him, only getting stronger when one of the transfer girls snorted at his idea.

“Yeah, Rob? And who the hell I supposed to get up there? None of us are stupid enough to even try…”

 

She trailed off as I slowly stepped forward, narrowed eyes never leaving hers as I grabbed the flag and demonstratively pulled it out of Theo´s outstretched hand, daring her to question my abilities. She was smart enough to keep her mouth shut.

Catching my brother´s gaze, I waited for his affirmative nod before gesturing for Rob to follow me when I simply walked away, determined to get the neon colored cloth of fabric onto the top of the Ferris wheel.

 

I was already several feet away from the group when he came running, falling into step with me, breathing heavy. “Damn, you showed it to Scar!” He laughed, shaking his head unbelievingly. “She´s from candor, her honesty can be scary sometimes.”

 

“The only ‘scary’ thing about candor´s is that they´re too stupid to keep their mouth shut.” I rolled my eyes, fastening my steps when Theo let us know through the sensor that our fifteen minutes had begun.

 

“I guess.” Rob replied off-handedly, an excited skip in his steps. “But it doesn’t make it less cool.”

 

Snorting, I refrained from answering, instead taking in the Ferris wheel in front of us. It used to be white but the years took their toll on the metal, several of the bars not safe to climb on. The first half was easy, a ladder would bring me to the center of the wheel but the rest I´d have to brachiate from bar to bar with nothing beneath me. I guess that´s what dauntless is really about, taking risks.

 

“You´re crazy.” Rob breathed, pulling me from my thoughts. I made a questioning sound, too lost to realize what he was talking about until I followed his wide-eyed gaze, looking up to the top from where we were standing at the bottom.

 

“That´s a possibility.”

 

“So…” He started to speak just as I went to step forward and begin my climb. “I realized that I´m the only one you´re talking to. I must be pretty special.”

 

Furrowing my brow, I looked at him incredulously, starting to laugh loudly at his smug grin. “No, you´re not. Get over yourself." Shaking my head in an overly exasperated manner, I couldn't help but grin when his face fell a little.

 

“Oh…”

 

“Yeah. There are a few others but if it makes you feel better, you´re the first from our initiation class.” Shrugging his shoulders, he pouted.

 

“Maybe a little.”

 

Chuckling, I playfully shoved him out of my way. “Now stop holding me up, I have a game to win.” Jogging over to the ladder, I paused when a thought hit me. “Hey, Rob?” Looking up, he threw me a questioning gaze. “Can you climb?”

 

His confused face was slowly overtaken by a knowing grin as he hurried over, ready to listen to my plan.

* * *

 

Like predicted, the first half of the climb was easy, even for Rob who admitted to only have ever scaled his house back in abnegation. That´s why I left him there, with the instruction to just make his way to the cab to our right. Halfway away from the ground he´d be in the perfect position to take out our opponents without getting hit himself or giving away his location.

 

Knowing I´d need to be fully concentrated I waited and watched him until he was safely in the cabin before going on, starting to pull myself up the bars. Having practiced so much in the city it was fairly easy especially since I was wearing my gloves, I only lost my footing once when I felt a bar crack beneath my grip, threatening to give way. I had avoided falling by swinging around, grabbing another one to my right.

After the scare, I took a short moment to catch my breath before going on, reaching the top only seconds before the red pyro at the other end of the fair signaled that the game had started. Balancing myself on the cab, I tied the neon-yellow flag to the metal bar and it immediately started flattering in the wind, glowing brightly for everyone to see.

 

Slowly making my way down again without trying to kill myself, I had just reached solid ground again and contemplated what to do shaking out my strained fingers when the sensor started to buzz, signaling that someone was trying to contact me, it was silent since every noise could have given my position away. Pushing the button, I was greeted by my brother´s heavy breathing.

“Lexi!” It cracked slightly and I could hear people running in the background. “If you´re done get on the roof of the building, we need you to cover for us! We´re surrounded on the west side of the pier! Hurry!”

 

Not losing a second, I sprinted across the open square without seeing any of the others, gun held securely in hand, ready to shoot.

Reaching the building, I pressed myself against it, looking around the corner. Squinting my eyes, I was able to make out the silhouette of two people creeping through the shadows towards the Ferris wheel. Waiting until they were in plain sight, I aimed and pulled the trigger bringing the one on the right to fall just as another dart came flying from the cabin I knew Rob was in, hitting the second one.

Concluding from the high-pitched scream, he had just hit Cat and I mentally congratulated him and me, for teaching him.

 

Still smirking, I stretched my fingers before jumping up to get a hold of the facade, slowly pulling myself up the building, relying mostly on the strength of my upper body. Judging from the height, it must have been around eight stories high, my breathing labored, arms burning from the exertion when I finally pulled myself over the ledge, careful of the steep of the roof.

I took a moment to level my breaths before getting up, unstrapping the gun and running over the roof ducked, trying to lay low.

 

Reaching the other side, I laid down, slowly robbing towards the edge of the roof near where I heard shouts coming from earlier. And there the majority of my team was the only cover a huge cement block on either side, my cousin's team slowly advancing. Counting at least eight of them, I slowly inched the barrel of my gun over the ledge, taking aim just as the devices vibrated again. Knowing it must be my brother asking where I was, I ignored it, grabbing one of the pyros he had handed me earlier. Scratching it along the stone of the roof, it caught fire and I threw it down, the red fire illuminating everything around it. Taking a deep breath I fired, took aim and fired again, not bothering to look if I had hit my target. The shouts of pain told me enough.

 

I rapid succession, I managed to hit the three on the right that blocked the way towards their flag, one managed to duck behind a tipped over car, the ones on the left following his lead, taking cover. My brother and the three with him were able to break through without getting hurt and I laid still, waiting for another opponent to come into range when suddenly a barrel was pressed against the back of my head.

 

Freezing, I cursed myself for not having them heard coming near me and let my gun fall, raising my hands. I knew that it most likely was a gun loaded with stim darts but in that moment it could have also been a real one, sending shivers down my spine.

Getting up slowly, the barrel moved with me, always staying pressed against my skull. One shot with a stun gun would knock me out cold, a real one would kill me.

 

Upright, I didn’t have time to move before a strong arm slung itself around my waist, pulling me back into a broad chest. “I just knew that I would find you up here, little monkey.”

Letting out a shaky but relieved breath, I let my head fall against his shoulder for a moment, closing my eyes. His chest was warm against my back, familiar, as he placed a palm on my stomach, burying his face in my hair.

The relief fast vanished and I turned around, punching Dante´s shoulder hard.

“You ass!”

 

Rubbing the place that would surely bruise, he winced but suddenly started laughing after he looked up, only fueling my irritation. “Oh, I´m sorry. Did I scare you?” He asked, a little twinkle in his eyes he rubbed the stubble on his skin, the gun now hanging from his shoulder.

 

Narrowing my eyes at him, I crossed my arms. “Fuck off.”

 

Shaking his head, Dante continued chuckling lightly as he pulled me back to him. Not wanting to give in so easily, I stayed rigid but when he nudged my head to the side, placing open mouthed kisses on my neck, I started squirming, winding my arms around him. He pulled back slightly to press a kiss to my lips and I pouted at him. “I meant it, you´re an ass.”

 

Looking down at me softly, Dante shook his head, pressing a kiss to my temple. “I´m really sorry but the opportunity was too good to pass up." Rolling my eyes, my lips curled up slightly and I bit down on them, not wanting to give him the satisfaction to forgive him that easily. But he lightly shook me, still laughing when his expression suddenly turned more intense, his hand wandering towards my jaw, angling my head up towards him. "I really missed you the past few days. I´ll be so happy when the first stage is finally over." He breathed against my lips, not quite touching them. "I´ll have to my own for a whole weekend."

 

“Oh, really?” Pressing myself against him, my voice turned hoarser. “And what are you planning to do with me?”

 

Looking deep into his eyes, Dante only let out a low groan, pulling me against him with all his strength, capturing my lips in a searing kiss almost prying my mouth open with his tongue. Meeting his passion with the same fervor, I pulled him closer with one hand around his neck, the other slowly wandering over his abdomen, dipping into the waistband of his pants.

Rubbing over the front, I felt him harden against my hand and I pressed myself against him, letting my other hand trail over his arm until I reached his hand.

 

Stepping out of his embrace so sudden stunned Dante and he stared at me with a confused expression, his eyes widening the moment he saw what I held in hand.

“Payback´s a bitch, love.”

 

Pulling the trigger, I shot him three times with his own gun only feeling slightly bad when he crumbled on the ground, groaning loudly frantically trying to pull the darts off his abdomen. Throwing the gun further down the roof to get a head start, I firmly grabbed my own and took off, running towards the towers on the end of the roof facing the moor.

Not slowing down, I jumped from one ledge onto the smaller roof, the glow of the green flag greeted me, taunting me to come and get it.

I knew that there were stairs leading up, most likely guarded by several players but the dirty white ornaments on the outside, cut outs, were perfect for climbing up on.

 

Casting another glance towards the door, making sure that this time no one would be able to sneak up on me, I grabbed the lower part of the circular cutout above my head and pulled me up, placing my feet on the ledge that framed the ornaments. Internalizing my way up, like usual, I started climbing, the texture making it so much easier than climbing the Ferris wheel or even onto the roof of this building. At the end, there´d be an upwards curve but it should be manageable.

But halfway through, about 20 feet above the roof, the doors were slammed open, a series of shouts and whizzing darts appearing beneath me announced the arrival of both teams.

 

I knew they couldn’t see me yet from where they fought but they were coming closer and I started pulling myself up faster, not wanting to be hit by a stray dart.

I thought that no one would be stupid enough to shoot me while I was climbing a tower but I was wrong.

 

The only indication of the pain to come was a silent whooshing noise before I was hit several times, the pain spreading quickly through my backside excruciating, pivoting up and down my spine.

Arching my back in reflex, I let go of the wall not even feeling myself topple backward until I was falling with no way of catching myself before hitting the concrete ground 20 feet beneath me. Closing my eyes, I pulled my knees up to my chest and covered my head with my arms, not knowing what was worse – the sensation of free falling or the pain spreading through my back.

But I knew, landing on the ground it would get so much worse.

 

The fall only took a second but for me it felt like forever as I clenched my teeth, waiting for an impact that never came. Instead of being met by concrete, a soft pair of arms encircled me, the force of my fall sending us both to the ground, him groaning in pain while I whimpered, the darts pressing painfully into my already bruised skin.

 

“Fuck, Lexi! Are you alright?!” Dante asked, frantically searching for injuries that weren’t there. Gripping his vest until my knuckles turned white, I buried my face in his chest, eye´s clenched shut.

 

“Take them out!” I whimpered, the darts even further inside my skin through the impact. Turning me slightly with a hand on my waist, Dante quickly pulled four parts from my skin, one directly over my spine, which explained the light numbness in my legs, making me wince with every single one. Immediately, his hand crept beneath my shirt, rubbing the irritated places in soothing circles.

 

Running his other hand through my hair, he positioned my lying frame on his lap, bending down to look at me. “Are you alright?”

 

“ ´m fine…” Murmuring into his vest, I breathed in deeply, my eyes still closed. The sharp pain was slowly fading, the gentle ministrations of his fingers slowly massaging the feeling back into my body.

 

A pair of feet came running over and someone fell on their knees beside me, cradling my head in hands, brushing the hair away from my face with shaky fingers. “Lexi, are you hurt?”

 

Looking up into the scared blue eyes of my sister, I shook my head grabbing her wrists in one of my hands. Getting the message, she slowly helped me up, catching me when I stumbled, my legs still shaky. Leaning against her, I felt her press a kiss to my hair, pulling me closer as she turned to Dante. “Are you sure she didn’t hurt herself? She can hardly stand!”

 

“Don´t worry.” He assured her, smiling tightly. “One of the darts hit her directly over the spine, not to mention that she almost died. It´s normal that she´s a bit shaky.”

 

I weakly rolled my eyes at his exaggeration. The fall wouldn’t have killed me, only given me a few broken bones and a nasty concussion, most likely. Trying to hide my wince, I straightened up, indicating that I was alright on my own and Harper slowly let go, cautiously watching me taking a step, her face hardening when I stumbled.

 

“I´m going to kill the bastard that shot you!” Harper seethed, her eyes narrowed into slits. But then her gaze fell onto Dante and it softened as she threw himself at him, slinging her arms around his neck. I watched as he caught her with wide eyes, only starting to smile when she mumbled something I couldn’t decipher.

A strange feeling rose in my chest as I watched him squeeze her tightly before letting go, a soft smile on his face as he looked from her to me.

 

Turning my gaze to the ground, it was hard to swallow as I angled away from them. Only a snort made me look back up into Harper´s incredulous face as she raised one eyebrow at me. "Seriously, Lex? Jealous of your own sister?"

 

Opening my mouth, I closed it again, staring at her wide-eyed. Harper only started laughing, shoved Dante´s shoulder and came over, ruffling my hair.

"How sweet! You thought I didn't know… We all do." She exclaimed laughing, before scrunching her face up shrugging her shoulders. "Well except mom, who´s too busy dealing with the Amity bitch and maybe dad, but you never know with him."

 

“I hope it stays that way.” Dante mumbled, his face contorted into a distasteful expression as he turned towards me. "I can imagine more pleasant things than being beaten up by your father and brother at the same time."

 

“Well,” Harper´s smile grew mischievous as she hooked her arm around his. “her sister is already on your side.”

 

“Yeah, just because you´re banging my best friend, H.”

 

My jaw was hanging open by the time Harper pushed him away, the faint red color of her cheeks detectable in the glow of the moon. Harper and blushing in the same sentence was something I had believed impossible but here she was, turning red as a tomato just because a guy was mentioned.

 

“I´m not just banging him!” She exclaimed, pointing a finger at him before suddenly turning shy. “Jeff´s special…”

 

“Yeah, a former amity that can down three beers in less than two minutes – _special_.” Raising one eyebrow, Dante sassed at her.

 

“Be careful my friend.” Fixing him with her stare, Harper crossed her arms. “We wouldn’t want dad to find out you´re doing his little girl, now would we?”

 

“As if you´d ever risk letting him find out you´re being defiled by an amity. I´m sure he´s more concerned about his princess than his little misfit.” This time it wasn’t Dante who answered and Harper froze, incredulously staring at me while I just smirked.

 

“You… you´re…” She stuttered, blinking rapidly. But a second later she already had me in her arms, squishing my tender back in a bear hug. “Oh, Lexi!” Harper exclaimed, almost choking me with her hair in my mouth.

 

"Harper… air…!" Letting go of me, she grabbed my face pulling it towards hers, pressing another kiss to my forehead before embracing me again. I felt awkward and tense, not used to so much affection coming from my oh-so-serious sister but Harper didn't care, not letting go.

 

“I love you, L.” She whispered against my ear and all uncomfortableness faded away as I melted into her arms, slinging mine around her.

 

“I love you, too, H.” Her only answer to my admission was a slight squeeze of her arms.

 

A loud cheering from right above us made us jump apart and all three of us whipped our heads towards the noise. There behind the railing of the tower stood Ivy victoriously thrusting the green flag into the night sky before being lifted off her feet by Theo, who placed her on his shoulders, joining in on their screams of triumph.

 

“What. The. Fuck.” Squinting her eyes, Harper watched our brother with a freaked-out expression. I felt her dilemma, seeing our ever-serious brother acting like a drunk adolescent. Snickering quietly, I slung my arm around Harper´s neck and pulled her closer, Dante watching our interaction with an amused expression.

 

"That my dear sister is the porn king celebrating the defeat of his worst enemy: Our cousin. Let the Coulter clan forever rule over the Eaton´s!”

 

Turning her head, Harper stared at me wide-eyed for a second before we both burst into laughter. He would never live it down.

* * *

 

Ivy and Theo had been the two of our team fighting through the whole tower, bringing us the victory while Robb had managed to defend our flag all on his own. It turned out that he was the only one that hadn’t been hit by a single dart while I, myself, was hit by four at once. Even his hit rate was good, one hit in every two tries and that from quite some height – I was proud. Theo only read out the more important statistics, claiming that he´d declare the rankings from tonight tomorrow afternoon at training, giving us the morning off.

With that he dismissed the group, most initiates being led away towards the train by Ben who said his goodbyes, since we stayed back for another dauntless tradition, having volunteered since the older siblings always took their younger ones and he´d already done it with Jon and Andy at their initiation.

 

The train that they took to leave also brought a few others who wanted to join us, just as the guards who had been patrolling the perimeter arrived. They did a great job making sure the factionless stayed away but I noticed how two of them approached Theo, speaking in hushed voices with him.

Giving them orders, they scurried away and he watched them with a serious expression before looking over at us, forcing a smile.

“You did great, L.”

 

“Yeah, except that she almost fell off the tower and died.” Harper replied sarcastically, making Theo´s eyes widen.

 

“Are you okay?” He asked, scanning me from head to toe. Giving him a thumbs-up, I ignored Harpers disapproving glance. I liked starting to talk to people individually, too many elated dauntless at once was a hazard in itself.

 

“So, who was it?” Snatching his tablet away, Harper pushed away on the touchscreen, her face turning stony when she found what she was searching for. Shoving it back into Theo´s chest, her gaze wandered over the people around us. “Great, thanks.”

 

Letting go of my arm, she sauntered away forcedly purposeless until she was a few feet away from us where she started fiddling with her gun, whirling it around like a stick. Theo, Dante and I watched her curiously, knowing there was no way to stop the force that was Harper Coulter.

Inspecting the barrel of her gun, it suddenly went off – shooting a stim dart right into Marc´s crotch.

Howling loudly, he fell to his knees clutching what I knew to be his manhood while everyone stopped and stared. Clasping my mouth, I tried to stifle the loud laugh that was bubbling from my throat and I wasn’t the only one.

 

Especially when Harper bend down to look at him, her face contorted in mock-horror. “Oh, no!” She cried, her hands flying to her cheeks. “What an accident! I should have looked where I was aiming my gun at, _right?!_ ”

Her tone dropped, turning into something frightening as she positioned her face right above his ear, whispering something with such a sickly sweet expression that I knew it must have been a death threat. “Understood?”

When he nodded, still writhing in pain Harper smiled brightly, clapping her hands as she came floating over to where we were standing, watching her bewildered while everyone around us started laughing at him. "Let´s get going, people! We´re almost there!"

 

And she was right, the Hancock Building rising up into the sky front of us in all its glory, the lights already turned on by some dauntless who had started the generator. Grabbing my hand, Harper pulled me through the lobby towards the elevators, pushing the button that opened the doors. We were the first ones inside, followed by Theo, Dante, Krissy, Ivy and a lot more, so much I was worried for a second the elevator couldn’t hold us all.

But like it has been for over a hundred years, it carried us up to the 99th floor where the dauntless poured out if it like a flood, the first one climbing the ladder and opening the hatch that would lead us onto the roof. Others had the harnesses, reaching them to the ones who were already on the roof.

 

We patiently waited for our turn, which wasn’t long since they all respected Theo too much to let him wait for an extended period of time and we climbed up the ladder, finding ourselves on top of the building that overlooked the whole city. The wind was blowing harshly through my open hair as we waited for the guys to secure everything and send the first ones down to catch the others. Leaning against Harper, I watched how Theo took out his tablet, once again going through the data of tonight’s game when he suddenly halted his scrolling, his face scrunching up in confusion.

“Dante?” He asked tentatively, reading again through whatever he was seeing on the screen while Dante looked at him inquiring, shooting Harper and me a cautious look as Theo opened his mouth again. “Why does it say here that you shot yourself?”

 

It was silent for a second, before –

 

“Why don´t you ask your sister?” Dante grumbled, turning to me with an accusing expression. Feeling all their eyes rest on me, I gave him an apologetic smile just as the guy on the rope called someone else to the rope. Shrugging my shoulders, I gave Dante my sweetest smile before sprinting away not longer able to contain my loud laughter.

 

"Don´t you dare!" He called, taking long steps after me but I had already bypassed Owen who just wanted to go on the zip line and let the guy in front heave me into a harness. Pulling the straps tighter, he winked at me, pulling me back and send me flying. The last thing I heard as the city extended beneath me was Dante calling my name and Harper´s loud laugh.

With a small smile on my face, I closed my eyes, stretching out my arms. This time, I wasn’t falling, this was flying.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m really sorry for the long wait but it took me a while to figure out how I wanted this to go since I´ve read so many capture the flag scenes that I didn’t want to make it boring. I hope you like the sibling time!
> 
> The next update for undoing will be soon, too! I have most of the chapter finished :)
> 
>  
> 
> Today (okay so yesterday since it´s 4 am :D) six months ago was the day I posted the first chapter of Faction before Blood, my first story…
> 
> Facts: FbB has 154 pages and 82.000 words
> 
> Paying the price has with this chapter 221 word pages and 114.400 words
> 
> FbB-Eric is 51 pages and 25.600 words long
> 
> Meaning that I wrote 426 pages and 222.000 words in total for this series which is… just crazy :D
> 
>  
> 
> I also looked up the meaning of some of the names and found that they are really fitting:
> 
> Amy – (dearly) beloved
> 
> Eric – honorable leader
> 
> Theodore – divine gift (that´s really sweet)
> 
> Benjamin – son of my right hand (somehow ironic)
> 
> Alexis – helper/ defender
> 
> Sam – sun child/ bright child (that´s just sad)
> 
>  
> 
> I think that´s enough of it… But I still want to thank every single one of you who liked/followed and/or commented on my fic, it means so much to me! All you´re encouragement helped me so much, not just because I´ve developed my writing skills immensely because you always manage to make me smile, so thank you!
> 
> Anna xx
> 
>  
> 
>  


	25. Chapter 24

**“Lexi, wake up.“** Grumbling something unintelligible, I swatted Dante´s face away that was inches from mine, turning around burying my face in the pillow. “No, come on!“ It was his turn to groan, letting himself fall onto the bed beside me. “We have to be in the pit in like 7 minutes and we sure as hell can´t turn up together.”

 

“Why the hell did you have to make training so early when we were up the whole damn night?” I asked grumpily, the only thing on my mind to go back to sleep. After getting home from zip lining last night Dante had taken it onto himself to teach me a lesson shooting him, ravishing my body until I fell asleep completely spent after the sun had already begun to rise. If I couldn't walk today, it would be his fault.

 

“Early?” Dante laughed, lightly running a hand through my hair. “It´s past 3 pm.”

 

“What?!” Sitting up abruptly, I stared at him wide-eyed. “Are you kidding me?”

 

“No. Now get up.” Rolling his eyes at me, he rolled himself off the bed, already fully clothed. “If I´m late, I´ll get reprimanded by your brother but if you´re late…” Shrugging his shoulders, he let me figure out how my punishment would look like. “I suggest you get going, you have...” Looking down at his watch, he pretended not to be amused. “exactly four-and-a-half minutes.”

 

Cursing his name, I jumped up, pulling one of my loose shirts, a sports bra and a pair of leggings from his drawer knowing we wouldn't do any fighting today. With the top in hand, I gave him the evil eye, a slight shove, and a quick kiss before snatching the piece of toast and bottle of water he had placed on his table for me, sprinting out of the door.

 

Reaching the pit with not a second to spare, I had managed to dress fully and somehow devour the toast without choking. Downing half of the water, I made my way over to the others who were already waiting in the pit, in front of a foldable table, a board behind it.

Spotting Ivy, Owen, and Avery, who waved me over, I furrowed my brows at their serious expressions, curious what had them so worked up.

Nodding towards them, I cocked my head waiting for an explanation that would knowing Avery, soon come.

And I was right.

 

“Didn’t you hear?” She asked almost incredulous, eyes widening when I shook my head. “How couldn’t you? I thought you´d be one of the firsts…”

 

“The way she looks she just fell out of bed.” Ivy remarked dryly and my hands flew up to my hair that was admittedly a mess. Grimacing, I pulled the hair tie out, taking a few hairs with it before gathering all on top of my head in a loose bun. “Besides, it´s classified information.” She added, turning slightly red.

 

By now I was more than confused, not to mention annoyed. I had neither an inkling to what they were talking about nor how Ivy would get her hands on secret information. Meeting my eye, Owen rolled his at the bickering girls, silencing them with one movement of his hand before turning to me. “Apparently, the guards who were with us yesterday managed to capture two factionless that tried to get onto the Navy Pier. We know nothing more than that they were armed.”

 

Staring at him, I blinked slowly. Their appearance wasn’t a surprise, not really. But that we managed to get out hands on two of them was a huge win. Over the last four years we managed to do so only twice, Edgar somehow always being two steps ahead of us.

Knowing my father, it´d be him down in the cells ‘interrogating’ the prisoners which almost made me smile. His violence never disappointed.

 

Feeling Owens stare on me, I looked up to see him watch me with a bewildered expression, having anticipated another reaction but before he could ask Theo called us over just as he spotted Dante coming out of the hallway, his steps hurried.

Trudging over, I placed myself right in front of the table, eyes never leaving my brother knowing he hated my unnerving stare, one of the rare things that made his skin crawl. Catching my eyes, his jaw tightened when I didn’t look away, shoulder flexing. He looked away for a moment but as his eyes rested on me again, he rolled them unnerved, already agitated by me. ‘Later.’ He mouthed and after I nodded begrudgingly, turned towards Dante who came to a halt beside him, sending him a stern gaze.

 

“Listen up!” Theo shouted, not only managing to shut the initiates up but the whole pit, the other member watching us amused, or – strangely – with pity.

“Behind me, you´ll see the statistics of the war games and the resulting rankings that, of course, will be taken into account regarding your overall rankings of stage one that will end tomorrow, as you all know. You will be fighting the person closest to you in skill and strength, so make sure you´re well rested and ready to go. This will be your hardest one yet, so make sure you fight hard and fair.” Raking his eyes over the lot of us, he stopped to stare at certain people for a few moments, driving his message home. Sure, that he was successful, he nodded at Ben who held a tablet in hand. “Your rankings.”

 

The board behind them lit up and I started smiling seeing the name on the very top. Looking around, I found a dumbstruck Rob, being swatted on the back harshly by his brother who had somehow managed to get in 12th place. Considering both were from abnegation this was huge.

With 5 out of 9 hit targets and not being shot once it was only logical for him to place first, Owen second with more hits but also being shot, followed by Ivy with two hits despite being in the middle of the action. I guess, my brother took most of the hits clearing the way for her.

I came in fourth with 9 of 11 hits but also being shot 4 times, if the bullets wouldn’t have killed me in a real battle the fall would have. Considering this, I was content with my ranking,  knowing it wouldn’t affect me greatly especially since Marc came in last, disqualified for dangerously harming another initiate.

Trying to suppress my smirk, I looked over just to find him already glaring at me, eyes full of hatred. Just my luck, he was one of three I hadn´t fought yet and I knew he´d be my opponent tomorrow, willing to do anything to take me out.

 

Letting my lip curl upwards, I challenged him to bring it on, Marc taking a threatening step forward when Ben spoke up.

 

"Now to your punishment. After all, we can´t let incompetence simply go." The mischievous glint in his eyes should have been hint enough at the torture to come. Especially when two members stepped forward with a bag, placing shot glasses on the table. "Depending on your ranking, you´ll have to complete between one and twenty-four rounds through the compound, each and every one of them followed by a shot.”

 

Raising one of the plastic glasses in toast he downed the liquor inside not even scrunching up his face. Incredulous staring from Ben to Theo to Dante, I narrowed my eyes promising _each and every one of them_ unimaginable pain.

 

Each one of those rounds would take ten to fifteen minutes which was bad enough with the stairs and uneven floors but running with alcohol in your bloodstream… I predicted that the best trained of them wouldn’t make it past the eighth round.

 

“Oh, and make sure you´re careful. Who knows what surprises could wait for you on your way?” Called Dante, his smile way too smug for my liking. Narrowing my eyes at them once again, I fell into step with Ivy and Owen knowing that the others would have a hard time keeping up with us, stamina not their strongest suit.

 

Listening to the two of them arguing who´s idea this whole ordeal had been, halfway through the first round we completely missed the barrels aiming our way until the first of them fired. Owen´s chest turned red, the color sweeping slowly into the fabric.

 

Squealing loudly, Ivy dived out of the way, a shower of yellow bursting against the floor instead. Owen was still staring at the color on his shirt until I grabbed his arm, sprinting away pulling him with me. It was too late, I had already been hit twice, green and red coloring the once black fabric. Cursing under my breath when one of them hit my calve, I doubled my tempo running straight into the next booty trap.

But instead of members with paintball guns now it was kids with water balloons, drenching us from head to toe. Gasping, the cold water was freezing against my skin as I ran faster trying to get out of their range before being hit again. Two times was more than enough.

 

Arriving in the pit once again a little in front of the other two I heard the members who sat on the ledge snicker and cheer, calmly nursing their beers while we were tortured. Almost slamming into the table, I downed the liquid gagging as I tasted the strongest vodka amity could supply us with.

My brother and cousin didn’t even bother trying to hide their laughter while Dante had the decency to bite his lips, turning away. Aiming the empty glass at Theo´s head, I threw it with all my might, dissatisfied when the plastic only made a small noise hitting his forehead before resuming my run.

 

After the second run, I had been hit by paintballs three more times, already feeling the unprotected skin bruise, the paint making my clothes stick uncomfortably to my skin.

After the third round and a whole tub of water later, I was sure I´d be sick by tomorrow.

 

After the fourth and last round and shot, I felt so sick to my stomach I almost puked into a bin on my way. The running itself hadn´t bothered me at all but drinking on an empty stomach while being chased by maniacs with guns brought even me to my limits.

 

With chattering teeth, I put the pin in pushing the door open widely, fleeing from the freezing insides of the compound into our warm flat, mom having an affinity to keeping the heat up even though dad hated it. Rubbing my arms, I tried to avoid dripping water and paint onto the rug on the way to my bedroom but a sleeping figure on the sofa halted me in my steps. Walking over, I realized that mom must have had fallen asleep while working, papers strewn everywhere around her.

Picking one up, I furrowed my brow, realizing it was an email from the new amity representative, the tone of it not amity at all. Kiara, that was the name it was signed with, demanded that the dauntless were to be kept away from their compound at all costs, seemingly interrupting the peaceful life they were living.

I knew that dad had ordered with the help of Tris´ dad, the head of the abnegation government, that dauntless were to be stationed around the perimeter for their own safety because the surrounding woods were a great hide-out.

Sighing, I looked down at my mother, not any longer wondering why I hadn’t seen her more over the last few weeks or why she was asleep in the middle of the day. This woman sounded like a class-A bitch and despite being dauntless, mom was still too nice to everyone.

 

Another shiver racked my body and I realized I was still dripping wet, so I gently pulled off her reading glasses to not wake her up, setting her onto the table before hurrying into my bathroom turning the shower on hot.

 

After a good scrub and tons of hot water later, I stumbled out of my bathroom with my head wrapped up in a towel and on my bed, crawling beneath the sheets, my stomach still upset. Grimacing, I snuggled deeper into my blanket, the alcohol taking the edge off everything as I slowly drifted back to sleep, deciding that a few more hours of sleep were completely justified after the torture I had gone through.

Closing my eyes, it didn’t take long until I drifted off, cozily warm.

* * *

I was shaken awake by my sister who unceremoniously dumped a pair of pants on my head, effectively ending a dream about Uncle T defending his cake. Squinting my eyes, I glared up at her for interrupting my nap. It seemed I couldn’t get enough sleep today, the night before having messed up my daily rhythm.

“What do you want?”

 

“I want you to get your ass up and get dressed.” Harper rolled her eyes at me, a sweatshirt flying my way. “And I want you to hurry because we´re meeting someone.”

 

"And who would that be?" Pulling the sweater over my head, I was thankful for the warmth it wrapped me in, struggling to get into my pants without coming from under the blanket.

 

“The father of my child.” Rolling my eyes at her pitiful joke, I bend over but froze when she stayed quiet. Whipping my head up, I stared at my sister with wide eyes starting to get up. But because my pants were halfway up my legs, I stumbled tumbling from the bed.

Half-dressed I continued staring at her from my spot on the floor. “Say something, Lexi!”

 

“I think you just made me a mute again.” Harper gawked at me, letting out an airy laugh that turned teary not a second later. Scrambling up, I dusted down my clothing, finally buttoning up my pants before falling onto the bed beside her. Harper´s chuckles were slowly being replaced by tears falling from her eyes that she hurriedly tried brushing away. “Harper… are you sure?”

 

“One hundred percent.” Looking up at the ceiling, every tear she dried was immediately replaced with another one. “I just got the results back. I thought I was catching a cold for fuck's sake! Dad will kill Jeff and then I´ll have to raise this child on my own, but I have no idea how to handle a child, let alone a newborn!" Her incredulousness turned to anger, then to fear before turning desperate at last.

 

“Harper.” I tried calming her, not knowing where to start so I pulled her closer. To my surprise she complied, laying her head on top of my shoulder, sobbing, asking what she should do.

“The first thing you should do is tell Jeff. He´s trustworthy, right?” Raising her head to shot me a small glare, Harper snorted at me.

“Of course, he´s from amity. You won´t find a better man in this hellhole.”

 

"Great." Opting for fake enthusiasm, I stopped when Harper drove her elbow into my guts. Grunting, I rubbed the sore spot deciding to let it go. After all, I know how emotional an unplanned or rather unwanted pregnancy could mess one up. "That´s one less thing to worry about. Also, don´t be afraid because of dad. He may knock him out but when you tell him you love him he couldn't bring it over himself to harm him and therefore you when you´re so fragile. And believe me, you have a lot of time to prepare for my godchild. When you hold it in your arms for the first time it will come naturally."

 

“And how can you be so sure about that?” Sitting up, Harper turned towards me, face red and blotchy but her gaze sharp nonetheless. Shrugging my shoulders, I looked at my wall, the familiar dark color soothing.

 

“I just know.” Giving her a tight smile, I got up, walking into the bathroom mirror, trying to tame my curly hair. “Hurry up, I have to meet this Jeff. Let´s hope for him he lives up to my expectations of him.”

 

Peeking out of the door, I wiggled my eyebrows at her, trying to make her laugh. She snorted a small victory. "You will love him. He´s the best friend of your fuck buddy after all."

 

Freezing on my spot, I turned towards her, expression incredulous. Harper was too busy touching up her make-up to notice my stare but when she looked up, she took a double-take, head snapping back. “What?!”

 

“Fuck buddy? Are you serious? Is that what he told his best friend?” I asked, an uncomfortable stone settling in my guts, a twinge of hurt settling in my heart overshadowed by anger.

 

“No, of course not. They´re guys, they don´t talk about this stuff but I thought…? So it´s serious?" Regarding me closely, Harper coked her head as I just shrugged my shoulders, turning away as the weight fell off my chest, making me immediately feel bad for thinking something like this about Dante.

“Yeah, kind of.”

 

“Kind of? Really, Lex?” Harper deadpanned, crossing her arms. “So you love him?”

 

“None of your business.” Scrunching up my nose, I wanted nothing more than to get out of here. There was no way I would tell her before saying it to Dante himself.

 

“You totally do!” She squealed suddenly, making me bump my hip against the drawer in surprise. “Oh my god, Lexi!”

 

“Stop it, H! Right now!” Swiveling around, I pointed my finger at my overly hormonal sister, trying to keep my face straight.

 

“I´m so proud!” Harper continued to gush, slightly tearing up again as she pulled me closer. That hug last night made so much more sense now. “He´s a good one that boy.”

 

“I know.” I wheezed out, her arms squishing me, cutting off my oxygen supply. “That´s why I´m with him.”

 

Gently pulling out of her embrace, I took a lungful of air, holding my aching ribs. She seriously had too much strength.

This strange, overly emotional version of my sister slowly made me uncomfortable and I searched for an out, finally realizing that we seemed to be alone in the flat. If mom was here, she would have stormed inside to see what´s wrong the first time Harper started squealing. Turning back towards her, I let my arms hang by my sides. “So, where´s mom?”

 

“Dunno.” Harper shrugged her shoulders, unbothered. “She got a call and suddenly left. No idea where she went.”

 

“Alright.” Raising my eyebrows, I nodded towards the door. “Let´s go.”

 

“Wait!” Harper cried out, making me run face first into the door. Rubbing my sore nose, I turned around, to see what she was screaming about. “Do you still have chocolate hidden in here? I would about kill for a bar right now.”

 

We made it out of the apartment around twenty minutes later and I asked myself for the nth time how I could have missed her strange moods or her emotional outbursts that knowing the cause were unmistakable.

 

It went on until we came to the pit where we were to meet Jeff and by default Dante too, who, how Harper only told me after leaving the flat, had asked about my whereabouts, not finding me in his flat.

 

But when we arrived at the center of dauntless, we both stopped and stared. The whole pit was filled to the brim with dauntless but instead of celebrating like it was usual they were all silent, seemingly watching something or someone in the middle of the crowd. Giving each other a clueless look, Harper grabbed my hand, starting to pull me through the masses, knowing whatever was in the middle, our whole family would be there.

 

Wanting to know who was bumping into them, a few members turned around to no doubt tell us what exactly they were thinking but when they recognized us, or more specifically me, they started to move out of the way, jostling the ones in front of them who did the same, parting like the red sea.

 

Giving Harper a panicked look, I pulled her back to walk in front of her, knowing she was the weaker bond right now. With so many dauntless surrounding us we shouldn’t be in any danger but whatever was waiting in the center of the pit couldn’t be anything good.

The closer we got, the heavier grew the feeling in my guts, my heart working in overdrive, hands turning clammy. Gnawing my cheeks, I tasted the coppery of my blood, a strange feeling of trepidation overcoming me, some sort of foreboding, an ill auguring.

 

Pushing myself through the last barrier of body´s I stopped short, my eyes shooting up towards my father, brother and mother standing in front of the rest, a kneeling figure to their feet, flanked by two heavily armed dauntless.

Taking a step forward as in trance, I almost missed Harper coming up behind me as well as my father´s head snapping up towards me, if it wouldn’t have been for the man craning his head, a pair of deep blue eyes burning into my owns, an all too familiar smirk curling up his lips.

My eyes not leaving his, I let go of my sister's hand, not even noticing that she was hissing for me to come back, slowly rounding the circle until I was standing directly in front of him, his smirk contorting his whole face as he stared up at me from the floor. Where he belonged.

 

“There she is!” He called out, his charismatic voice raking shivers down my spine, unwanted images invading my mind. “The princess has come to join the party. Tell me, Alexis, did you miss me?”

 

Cocking my head, I took a step forward, everything around me blurring as I stared into the eyes of the man, of the monster, who had made my life a living hell and came now back to haunt me. But this time, he was the one bound and it was time to get my revenge.

 

“Edgar.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gooood, it´s finally happening! I´ve been so thrilled to write this part & especially the next chapter since the beginning! I have been through these scenes so many times in my head..
> 
> Believe me, this is all planned out! How many of you did see this coming?
> 
> Sorry to leave you hanging with this cliffhanger… and also not.. :D
> 
> Okay, it´s time to sleep :D
> 
> Thank you for reading & to everyone who reviewed!!
> 
>  


	26. Chapter 25

**My whole focus was** on Edgar kneeling on the ground in front of me, his gaze so hypnotizing, I couldn’t tear myself away until a sudden movement in my peripheral vision had me swivel my head around, startling me. I straightened up, slowly raising my eyes until I meet my father´s hard stare, signaling him with a slowly shook my head to stay back.

“He`s mine.”

 

For a second, I thought he would argue, demanding for me to step back but despite the obvious surprise written on his face the only thing he did was nod at me, a small gesture of trust, of respect, that filled my chest with pride. Stepping back, he silenced my mother´s outrage with one flick of his hand, a small glint of satisfaction flitting over his face as if this was just what he was waiting for.

Turning around again, back towards my price, I ignored the murmurs resonating from around me, stemming either from me talking or my father backing up, the whole pit filled with whispers bouncing off the stone walls, duplicating, cutting each other off.

Cocking my head, all the sounds faded into the background as I took him in from head to toe, searching for any weakness, burning them into my memory, comparing this version with the man that haunted my nightmares.

 

Edgar had definitely lost weight since I saw him last, the tension lines in his face more prominent, his usual put together presence now disheveled, the years of constant hiding worn him off. His ripped clothes were already stained red, his cheek turning purple, lip busted, blood running down his chin.

Dauntless hadn’t exactly warmly welcomed him into the heart of our compound.

 

Satisfied with the pitiful sight in front of me, I started smirking, just a small almost imperceptible curling of my lip, the knowledge that he was completely at my non-existent mercy plunging my brain into euphoria. But he didn’t seem to realize that he was as good as dead, that there was no way he would go out of this as the winner.

Or so I thought.

 

“She speaks!” Edgar exclaimed, the enthusiastic smile on his face almost genuine-seeming to the ones that didn't know him. He acted as if he was seeing a long lost friend, a relative, instead of the girl the almost tortured to death.

But I did. I knew best that this was his worst, a wolf in sheep skin, obscuring his atrocities with a happiness that rivaled one of a classified psychopath. To be honest, I´m convinced he fell into that category. “How proud that makes me! To see you conquer your fears. So, how´s life, initiation treating you well?”

 

Chuckling humorlessly, I just shook my head at him, not knowing if his madness should amuse or disturb me. It was clear as day that he basked in the attention he was getting, kneeling in the middle of the crowd of hundreds of dauntless, his behavior almost staged.

“Cut the bullshit, Edgar.”

 

The smile on his face fell, tone reprimanding as he addressed me with a stern but soft expression. “That´s no way to talk to your elder now, is it? You should…”

 

Before he could finish yet another word, my fist met his abdomen and he doubled over, wheezing in pain as all air left his body, sending him to the floor, hands still bound behind his back. Spluttering, trying to catch his breath he panted but when he looked up, his eyes sparkled with fury-inducing amusement.

 

“You will not ever again tell me what to do. Do you understand?” I spoke quietly, almost bending over him as he watched me, sizing me up with renewed interest. As if he hadn’t expected me to retaliate as if I was still the girl four years ago.

 

"Of course, princess." He bowed his head slightly in a sign of respect that was almost

mocking. Narrowing my eyes at him, I took a step back lightly starting to pace in front of him, biting my lip, contemplating what to do now.

But Edgar beat me to the punch.

 

“So, since we´re all gathered here today, a crowd of such magnitude” Edgar spoke up after a moment, addressing the whole pit as if they were gathered here solely for him as if this was his big stage, his grand finale. Well, at least one thing was sure: a finale it would be.

“we should talk about a few things. Your little gem here surely hasn’t told you everything now, did she? About her time with us.” He turned towards my father, whose face stayed stoic, the only outward response to such taunting an almost unnoticeable twitch of his hand. His desire to hit something must have almost been as bad as mine.

“How about we play a game?” Edgar suddenly called out, his eyes glued to my form, ignoring the malevolent expression slowly creeping upon my father´s face. “We could call it… secrets. We all have to have at least one interesting one, right? Why don´t I start?”

 

Shaking my head at the absurdity of this situation, I absent-mindedly searched in the crowd around me for something specific, striding towards the person with long steps when I found my target. The young man was dressed in the typical patrol uniform, combat pants, and a bulletproof jacket, most likely only now getting home from a long day at the fence.

His eyes widened as I marched towards him, gripped the gun from its holster on his belt in one fluid motion before strolling back into the middle of the circle. Taking a wide stance in front of him I pulled the barrel back, before letting it go with a loud snap that echoed through the whole pit.

Everyone grew quiet.

Taking off the safety, checking if everything was at its rightful place, I smiled at my uncle as if I´d just realized he´d stopped talking.

“Oh, don´t mind me.” Waving the gun through the air, I gave him a saccharine smile. “You were saying?”

 

Edgar narrowed his eyes, zeroing in on the gun his expression turning morbidly interested, head snapping up to stare at something behind me. Lazily turning into the same direction, I saw that my mother had taken several steps in my direction just to be stopped by my father grabbing her arm, preventing her from coming closer.

“Eric, stop this madness!” She hissed at him, eyes glinting dangerously as she tried to pull out of his grasp. The crowd behind her stirred, parting as a figure pushed through, a breathless Tobias arriving, stopping abruptly, dumbstruck by the scene playing out in front of him.

 

“If I´m not mistaken,” Piped up a voice from behind me, effectively steering the attention away from my mother and back to the man kneeling on the floor, a satisfied smile on his face. “our little family reunion is finally complete.”

 

“What do you mean, _family_?” Tobias stepped forward, searching my mother´s gaze who looked as confused as he did before slowly turning white, face contorted in shock as if she´d just went through an epiphany. As if she found the answer to a question she had been searching for years.

 

“What he tries to say,” I spoke up, unwilling to let Edgar dominate and steer the conversation into whichever direction he desired, no doubt with the intention to torture us all a little more. After all, it seemed as if destroying the lives of others was his only goal in life. "is that he is the bastard child of Evelyn Johnson, back from his exile to avenge her death." An outraged murmur went through the crowd, people starting to shout, my parents freezing in various stages of shock, horror, my mother clasping her hands in front of her mouth while Theo just furrowed her brows.

“If you ask me, it´s quite stupid honestly. She died because of a sepsis, not because my father put a bullet in her head.” Having watched their reactions, Edgar´s head whipped towards me when I spoke up, jaw clenching, anger flitting through his eyes, his gaze scorching.

“Which he should have, she deserved it.”

 

From listening to him for over three months, I knew his weak spots just like he did mine, exploiting them slowly with the utmost care to get the biggest possible reaction. So, when he lunged forward, trying to tackle me with his chest, hands still bound behind his back I merely took a step to the side, watching disinterestedly as the two guards struggled with him for a moment before pulling him back into his positions, roughly pressing him down onto two knees again.

Baring his teeth, Edgar tried to get his composure back but the small slip of his mask gave me unexplainable satisfaction, knowing that for once I had managed to get under his skin. That was until his artificial smirk turned malevolent, ill-natured but so real.

"While we´re on the subject of bastard children, how´s your…"

 

The rest of his sentence got lost in the sound of a gunshot ringing through the air, the bullet drilling itself into the floor, less than an inch from his leg. Edgar barely jumped, having anticipated my sudden move while the guard on his right tripled over, the whole crowd recoiling a few steps, the echo resonating loudly.

“Careful.”

 

Ignoring my warning, Edgar just tssked at me, reprimanding like one would a child, interestedly observing the hole in the floor. "I thought we were here to clear the air, you know how tedious a family feud can be." He mocked his carefully composed mask back in place. “Shooting someone isn´t the way to do that, dear.”

 

“Really? But it´s _so much fun_.” Imitating his tone, I took a step forward, gun hanging idly by my side, my tone a stark contrast to the way I lazily held my body. “I should put a bullet in your head right here, right now, but I´m not that merciful. You deserve to understand what the word _suffering_ means like no one else here.”

 

“God,” Shaking his head, Edgar fixed me with his gaze, suddenly serious as he started spitting words at me. “how I wish I would have gotten my hands on you.” He smiled a bitter smile. “In fact, I almost did. But that boy-toy of yours had to ruin it in the last possible moment.” Scrunching up his face, he seemed genuinely disappointed. “And all just because you had the audacity to shot that one man that was responsible for your abduction. That wasn´t nice Lexi. I even had a surprise waiting for you, it still is.”

 

Ignoring the evil glint flashing through his eyes, I chuckled humorlessly shaking my head, trying to hide the small thrill of fear trickling down my spine. So that was his goal when they attacked us on the patrol.

If they really wanted to capture me again than Dante had saved my life. I had to physically refrain myself from searching for him in the crowd, instead staring Edgar down, not even addressing his words.

“Remind me, why am I even listening to you? Everything´s coming out of your mouth is either batshit crazy or total bullshit. What makes you think that I´m not going to get bored and decide to get rid of you?”

 

“Because you don´t have it in you to just shoot me.” Edgar´s reply was smug as he leaned back on his heels, posture relaxed.

 

“I think you might be overestimating my character.” With a flick of my wrist, I fired a bullet right into his kneecap. Edgar's howl of pain and the echo of the gunshot rang through the room, several people flinching as he fell to the floor. Watching him indifferently, I gestured for the stony-faced guard to come forward and do something against the man lying there winding, bleeding. “Put a bandage over it or something. I don´t want him passing out before I´m finished.”

 

While they pulled him up, wrapping a pressure bandage around the wound, I pulled the magazine out, eyeing is closely before pushing it back in making sure another bullet was in the chamber. Each one held fifteen rounds and the magazine was full, meaning I had another thirteen bullets at my disposal.

Looking up, Edgar was once again kneeling at my feet, grimacing as he tried his hardest to keep pressure off the hurt leg, jaw clenched as he glared at me. “Tell me, princess,” He hissed, full of malicious intent, breathing hard. “How does it feel to pay the price for your family´s mistakes, for your father´s ill-doings?”

 

Meeting dad´s gaze, I gave him a comforting smile, lightly shaking my head. Maybe it was his fault, not killing Evelyn and the lot of her rogues when he had the chance but I knew he refrained from doing so for my mother, not being able to tear her apart like that – her husband killing her own mother.

Maybe for once, he should have put his faction before his blood, erasing the threat that ultimately came back to haunt us all, almost destroying everything he had built for us, for his family, for his faction.

Maybe then things would be different, maybe not.

But no matter how his decisions reflected on my life, I could never resent my own father for trying to do the right thing – because in the end that´s all that counts.

Family.

 

“I´d rather pay for mistakes that are not my own and learn from the wrongs of their past than to let their misled ideals lead me onto a road of madness I can´t get away from ever again because it ultimately destroyed my humanity. I won´t be like you.”

Edgar's eyes snapped up to mine, his expression making it clear he wanted to object me but before he could, I went on.

 

“You know, there is a word for killing you own father, _patricide_ , even for killing your brother, fratricide,” Letting my gaze wander to the glass ceiling, I scrunched my face up in concentration, trying to remember all the right words and their pronunciations. “mariticide for husband, matricide for killing your mother. Then there is prolicide, the act of killing your own child and of course nepoticide for killing your nephew or _niece_ , something you almost managed to achieve. All derived from the ancient language Latin, of course.

But you know which word I´ve always searching for?” Slowly lowering my eyes until I met his, I tapped the barrel of the gun against my temple, stare unyielding. “ _It´s avunculicide._ ”

 

 

“As if you´d ever have the guts to kill me.” Edgar gritted out, scrunching up his face as the lack of concentration on his side put him off balance, his weight shifting onto his wounded knee, blood slowly soaking the white fabric of the bandage.

 

“If that one bullet didn’t convince you yet, I have a lot more to offer.” I suggestively tapped the trigger.

 

“That may be, but every place you will aim for will not be life-threatening! Why can´t you see that you just don´t have it in you!” He bellowed, fists clenching at his side.

 

“And why the hell not?” I shot right back, voice so sharp it could cut glass, his refusal to acknowledge my capability of hurting him irritating beyond everything I ever felt.

 

“Because you´re just a little girl!” “Edgar spit at me, every one of his accusation driving the knife a little further into my chest, every forceful word accompanied by another stab into my chest. “A girl that lost her voice because someone hurt her, a girl that couldn’t tell her parents the uncensored truth, that thinks it´s appropriate to fool around with her instructor, that thinks she´s strong just because there´s a gun in her hand.

 

A girl that is too weak to kill the child she didn’t want, forcing members of her own family to keep her secret from the ones closest to her.

Just a weak, little girl.”

 

The world around me froze and I stopped breathing, a ringing in my ears keeping me from registering the shock on people´s face´s around us, the incredulity on my father´s face, my sister finally connecting the dots, while Tobias was as still as a statue.

It hadn’t been just my secret to keep.

Now, there was no trace of pain on Edgars face, only triumph, an incredible smugness that he had managed to lay every single one of my secret bare in front of my whole faction, everything I had kept to myself for the last four years now public knowledge to be gossiped about and ridiculed in the most humiliating ways.

But he wasn’t finished yet shattering my world, turning my whole existence into a lie with only one sentence, words strung together that made sense on their own, but combined?

Combined they had the power to wreck me like nothing else ever could.

 

„And naming her after him, Sam." Letting out a deep breath, Edgar shook his head, every minuscule twitch of his body carefully acted out, a performer preparing for his grand finale, but this time it was I who would perish. “A touching gesture, some sort of tribute I think? Sweet, but so unnecessary considering he is still very much alive. Though, maybe not for long anymore.”

 

“ _What?”_ It was just a breath, a silent way of asking for him to repeat it, to repeat the words who felt like an arrow going straight through my chest, burning their way into my soul, making me question everything I ever knew.

That was until I realized what he was trying to do when his words lost all meaning to me.

A figure stepping out of the crowd had me look up and I met Uriah´s brown eyes, his expression mirroring mine a few seconds away, unbelieving, not really daring to but oh-so-hopeful.

Letting out a deep breath, I slowly shook my head, hating to crush the first glimmer of hope he must have felt since they found me bound in the basement, the only thing I could do then as well as now was shaking my head when they asked about Sam, my tears telling them everything they needed to know.

They did not ask again.

 

Turning back towards Edgar, I let my anger overtake for the first time this evening, gripping the gun so tightly my knuckles turned white, the fury rising in my chest making it almost impossible to breathe. “Don´t fucking lie to me!” I shouted, aiming straight at his head, hands shaking.

 

“Oh, but I´m not.” The bright smile stretching his face in half, the evil glint in his eyes had me seeing red and before I realized what I was doing he was on his back, my knee pressed into his chest, the barrel of the gun against the underside of his jaw.

 

"I saw him die! You were the one who killed him!” Steel pressing into skin, Edgar wasn’t fazed of his impending death, the gun shifting in my hand when he started to laugh at me.

My weight on his ribs made it impossible for his lungs to fully expand but he did not start chuckling, even when he wheezed for air.

 

“What you thought to see, little girl, was the boy being injected with the death serum but tell me, where would we have gotten it?” Blinking rapidly, I tried to follow his line of thought, asking myself what was hinting at. “Erudite is almost as well guarded as dauntless itself, even a lot more cameras. But abnegation on the other hand…” His laugh turned into a cough. “No one noticed the little vial of memory serum missing from the secret stash that is still hidden in Marcus Eaton´s house. No one even bothered to check it since then.” Turning his head towards my pale mother, close to passing out with a hand clasped over her heart he shot her a wolfish grin. “Tell your dad I said thanks!”

 

Fed up with his taunting I grabbed his jaw with one hand, banging his head against the floor, ignoring the groan of pain as I hissed at him. “Shut the fuck up!”

 

Pushing myself up, away from him, eyes tightly closed I tried to regain my composure but the violent beating of my heart and the tightening in my chest made it impossible to concentrate on anything but his words ghosting through my mind. Gritting my jaw, I swiveled around just as Edgar came back to his knees, the gun aimed between his eyes. “I don´t believe you!”

 

“Lexi.” My father´s voice came from behind me, careful, a warning but I didn’t let him speak, my heated gaze bring into his cold, calculating one.

 

“He´s lying!” I shouted, my whole body shaking with suppressed rage. Digging my fingernails into my palm, I tried to level my breathing, jaw-gritting.

 

“Fine.” Edgar rolled his eyes as if I annoyed him, turning towards my father who had slowly come closer, approaching me like a wild animal. “Tell us, oh mighty leader, how does on who has been given the death serum die?”

 

We both looked at him, the dread in my guts steadily growing, eyes pleading for him to tell me what I wanted, _what I needed_ to hear. Dad was hesitant to reply, refusing to obey Edgar´s orders but when he finally spoke, his voice was strong, emotionless.   
“They go quietly. Once the serum is inside the bloodstream it takes less than a minute to stop the heart.” He blinked once, quietly adding. “It´s a peaceful death.”

 

Closing my eyes, I let out a shattering breath, remembering how Sam had writhed on the floor, face contorted in pain for _minutes_ until he finally stopped moving, his groans of pain forever ingrained in my mind. Lost in my flashback, back again in that cold concrete room I almost didn’t hear Edgar.

“And what about the memory serum?”

 

“It takes a few minutes in which the subject is under immense pain." Father's voice was strong, cutting through the tense air. “They feel it burning through their veins, deleting everything they once were. In some way, it´s worse than death.”

 

Stumbling back, I pressed my cheek against my shoulder, eyes clenched tightly, trying to hold back a sob. I refused to let my tormentor, the man who single-handedly destroyed my life, watch me break apart right in front of him. I would never give him such satisfaction.

With clenched fists, I tried to level my breathing but with every heaving of my chest the devastation that threatened to sweep me away got replaced with white-hot rage surging through my veins and I raised my eyes, gaze burning with unattainable hatred as a lone tear made its way down my cheek.

 

Raising the gun, my whole body vibrated with fury but my hand was steady as I pulled the trigger, a bullet drilling itself into his body with every step I took towards him. The first one hit his other kneecap, the second his left shoulder, then his right.

Lastly aiming it at the spot between his eyes, my finger´s gazed the trigger, pushing down just as a hand came out of nowhere, pushing my arms upward and the bullet went astray flying into the air hitting stone instead of its intended target.

Crying out in frustration, I tried to get away, to end Edgar´s life once and for all but the same hands who had taken the satisfaction away from me, taken my price away from my now pried the gun out of my hands, arms slinging themselves tightly around my torso as it hit the floor.

 

“Lexi, stop!” Any other time Dante´s voice would have soothed me, seducing me to do anything he wanted but in that moment, I couldn’t help but despise him for without his interference, Edgar would have gotten what he deserved. He would be dead.

 

“Let me go!” He grabbed my wrists, pinning them to my chest rendering me immobile but even his steel grip didn’t stop me from trying to get away from him, around us all hell breaking loose. Members were no longer standing still but hurrying around, someone kneeling next to Edgar, putting pressure on his wound, trying to still the bleeding while all I wanted was for him to die. “He deserves it!”

 

“He does but if you kill him now you will never know where Sam is.” His word had me freezing, his chin coming to rest on my shoulder as my struggles ceased, realizing what I had almost done.

 

“Get her out of here!” My father yelled as he too stormed towards the prisoner, my brother in tow, faces steely not betraying a single emotion. Tugging me into his side, Dante pulled me through the mass of outraged dauntless running around, higher rankings shouting orders, pushing soldiers into directions. They readied themselves for war, while my face was buried deep in Dante´s shoulder, wanting nothing more than to hide away from the world, to disappear instead of facing the giant clusterfuck my life had become.

The factionless had taken something, _someone_ , away from us over four years ago – and it was time for us to get him back.

* * *

 

Pushing open the door of my father’s office, I stormed inside leaving it for Dante to close it behind him, hand lingering on the knob as he watched me pace through the small room, slowly losing my mind. Raking my fingers through my hair, I angrily brushed the tears away that refused to be kept hidden turning away from Dante to not let him see my shame.

But a pair of arms slung themselves around my midsection, pulling me back into his chest and this time, I melted into his embrace when ten minutes earlier I had wanted nothing more than to break them. He had prevented me from making the biggest mistake of my life, killing the only person who could bring my best friend back.

 

Turning around, I buried my head in his chest, clinging to him like never before, his presence the last constant in my world that was falling apart around me.

“How could I´ve been so stupid, Dante? How could I not see…?” I choked out, voice muffled against the fabric of his sweatshirt, a sob cutting the sentence short.

 

“Hey, stop it.” Gently lifting my chin, he brushed a tear from my cheek, leaning in to kiss my nose, his lips trailing up to rest against my forehead. “There was no way you could have known he would do something like this. Edgar knew exactly what he was doing. That´s why I´m not sure what his endgame is…” He trailed off slowly, thoughtfully.

 

“What do you mean?” Sniffling, I raised my head to look at him, his face contorted in confusion, blurred through the tears.

 

“I mean,” Dante started, choosing his words carefully. “he was captured while trying to get into the compound through the old ventilation system which practically no one knows about, only a selected few. The only reason they caught him was because a patrol officer spotted two factionless lingering around the perimeter and contacted the control room, the men in there ultimately seeing him coming out of a duct.

But why would he come here… and all on his own, with no back-up?”

 

“He said something about… Sam not going to live for much longer.” I managed to get out, his name choking alone me up. “He was trying to make us fall for his games. That´s what he likes to do.”

 

“You mean like announcing that Sam is still alive right before killing him?” Dante asked incredulously, his arms tightening even more around me as I nodded.

 

“Exactly.” Taking a step away from him, I let myself fall onto the chair in front of dad´s desk, legs refusing to carry my weight anymore. Burying my head in hands, I let out a shaky breath, wishing I could just crawl back under the covers of my bed and hide. “No matter what he says about Sam´s whereabouts he´ll lie. It could be a trap, if we go to the wrong location Sam will die but if we don´t go he´ll die anyway. There is no way we can win this.”

 

“Lexi.” Kneeling in front of the chair, Dante laid both hands on my cheeks, bringing his forehead against mine. “We´ll get him back somehow, I promise.” Giving me a smile that ensured me he´d keep what he promised, Dante caressed my face, his face suddenly falling slightly as a thought crossed his mind. "But if it´s true if they really gave him the memory serum then you should prepare yourself that he might not be how you remember him. He might not remember any of you.”

 

“I know.” Was all I answered, closing my eyes reveling in the comfort his hands brought me, the chasm inside threatening to swallow me whole. Rubbing my cheek against his, I gave him a light kiss before leaning my head back against his.

 

That´s how my family found us as they came storming inside over ten minutes later, the mood changing, getting more intense with each second. We both jumped in surprise as the door slammed against the wall, only Dante´s grip preventing me from slipping off the chair as I swiveled around.

 

Dad was the first coming in, his agitated expression darkening further when he spotted the two of us, followed by Theo who raised his eyebrows, being shoved out of the way by Harper, Tobias, and mom who closed the door softly behind her.

Narrowing his eyes at Dante, dad took a threatening step forward.

“Get your hands off my daughter!”

 

“Dad!” Jumping up, I positioned myself in front of Dante just as my mother grabbed his arm, keeping him from making a mistake. He tried shaking her off, eyes narrowed into slits, glaring at Dante but she just pushed him away, holding him back from coming closer. “Eric!”

 

Placing one hand on his chest, mom waited until she was sure he would reign himself in before swiveling around, pulling me into her arms, hands placed on either side of my face as she kissed my forehead. “Oh, my baby girl…”

 

Tearing up slightly, I buried my head in her shoulder, her scent comforting and familiar, easing the anxiety steadily rising in my chest. “Mom…” Smoothing down my hair, she held me tightly for a few moments, her calm presence a stark contrast to dad´s anger.

 

“Why didn’t you tell us about him?” Mom asked tentatively, causing me to pull away, looking into her eyes.

 

“The fact that Edgar is the child of Evelyn means nothing, mom.” I was pleading for her to understand, to put herself in my shoes. Her face softened as she looked at me, pressing another kiss to my hair. “I told you everything important, I swear, but knowing he´s your half-brother would have only brought you grief. There was nothing to gain from that kind of information.”

 

“Of course, there would have been!” My father bellowed, his teeth gritted so hard I was afraid they would break. “We could have –“

 

“What could you have done differently, dad?” I interrupted him, standing up straighter as his scorching gaze found mine. “You already did everything you possibly could, knowing would have just driven you mad, feeling guilty for something you had no control over. But dad…” My voice grew quiet, urgency rising. “if Sam is still alive, we have to find him.”

 

“Don´t worry about it.” He brushed me off, slightly turning away to look at Theo. “We have everything under control.”

 

“What do you mean ‘you have everything under control’?” I asked sharply, his off-handedly demeanor disconcerting as if he didn't plan to include me in whatever plot he had come up with. “You don´t know Edgar, he´s playing a game with all of us and someone is helping him!”

 

“And you have no idea about tactic or how to act in battle, so don´t tell me what to do!” He countered, his hard voice echoing through the room, annoyance rising at my open defiance. “And who the hell would help him? No one´s that stupid.”

 

I opened my mouth to yell that I didn´t have the slightest idea, _I just knew_ , but the quiet reply from behind me had me freeze, the contrast to our raised voices, to the heated argument throwing me out the loop.

 

“Jeanine Matthews.” Dante spoke, calm and collected, standing up to my father who swiveled around to glare at him, fists balling at his side.

 

“Really, _Jeanine?_ ” My father spoke with distaste, tone dripping with sarcasm, treating Dante as if his opinion was a waste of time. “And why do you think the leader of erudite should help a bunch of factionless?”

 

“Because they can get her what she´s been searching for the last twenty-five years.”

 

“And what would that be?” Dad grew more agitated with each word that came out of Dante´s mouth, his sheer presence a thorn in his side.

 

"The perfect divergent." Dante looked down, shuffling his feet before his gaze came to rest at me, concerned. I took a step towards him, stretching out my hand which he immediately took, pulling me closer. For a moment, I got lost in his eyes asking myself how I could have missed the pain behind them, well-guarded and closely hidden but still so powerful, so fresh.

I got lost in our own world until my father snorted loudly, my head snapping up to glare at him, anger rising as he dismissed what happened to Dante with one move of his hand.

 

“Those fucking rumors again.” Shaking his head, he turned towards my mother and uncle, searching for agreement but they were both staring at us, staring at Dante with new-found understanding in their eyes.

 

“You know,” Mom started carefully, looking up at her husband that was towering over her, his eyebrows raising high. “there was a time you thought the rumors about Marcus weren’t true, either.”

 

Narrowing his eyes at her, my father gritted his jaw, cogs starting to turn in his head while my siblings and I stared at our mother, confusion evident in our faces but she didn’t care to elaborate. They stared at each other for a long time and then something happened that was rare, my father gave in, turning to Dante, even more, pissed when he caught sight of our intertwined hands.

“So, _if_ Jeanine really tested divergents in her lab then why would she target Lexi out of everyone?”

 

“Because of the results of her aptitude test.” Dante answered quietly, the grip on my hand tightening as he subconsciously squeezed, realizing he had just exposed another one of my secrets.

 

“Because of her results?” My father suddenly started chuckling humorlessly, the bitterness in his eyes strong enough to scorch me as his eyes narrowed in at me. “And what was it?” Before I could even answer, he shook his head incredulous, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes shut tightly. “Tell me,” He started again, voice low and dangerous. “exactly how many secrets have you been hiding from all of us?”

 

Gulping heavily, I looked down at my boots, shrugging my shoulders, acting nonchalant as if those secrets meant nothing to me. But the tightening in my chest, flat breathing and racing gave my anxiety away. “My results were inconclusive, the nose who administered the test said he never saw something quite like it and asked me if I would accompany him to Jeanine. I didn’t and that was it…”

 

“So, she has a motive, great. I will look into it tomorrow.” Was my father´s harsh reply as he whipped out his phone, who had pinged, signaling a message had come in. Furrowing his brow, he tipped a fast reply before tucking it back into his pocket, fixing his burning stare on me. I flinched back from his intensity, almost stumbling into Dante who stretched out his arm, placing his hand on the small of my back.

“We´re moving out in ten, the trucks are ready. But before I leave, _without you_ , I want you to tell me what Edgar meant as he said you didn’t kill the child.”

 

Blinking rapidly, I opened my mouth, searching for words that seemed to have abandoned me, my mind empty as the panic seized up my chest, heart almost jumping out of my chest. Gripping the fabric of Dante´s shirt to keep me upright, I buried my fingernails in his skin, not able to stop. “I…”

I couldn’t get anything more out, starting to shake under his unyielding gaze but my mother stepping into his sight of line cut our eye contact off and I deflated into Dante´s chest, just as my mother placed her hands on my father´s.

Looking up into his eyes she muttered the words that almost made my heart stop.

 

“Sam is our granddaughter, Eric.”

 

My father went rigid under her touch, head whipping from her to me to Tobias, face turning a deep shade of red, his voice frosty when he finally spoke after several moments of dead quiet, addressing his wife. “You knew?”

 

“I saw her in the woods when I visited them in amity and I pieced it together. Maybe I should have said something but it was not my secret to tell.” Mom admitted quietly, eyes lowering, flinching under his hard stare.

 

“And yet you didn’t.” The force behind his words made his voice tremble as he took a step away from her, eyes narrowing in at Tobias who had stayed quiet throughout the whole ordeal, only now taking a step forward as if he had to protect his sister. “You!”

 

Taking two quick steps forward, dad grabbed his brother-in-law by his collar, throwing him against the wall, head hitting stone with a painful smack. “You helped my fourteen-year-old daughter to bring an abnormality into the world that should have never existed! How dare you?!”

 

“How dare _you_!” I shouted at him, the venom in my voice letting the whole room freeze, my father´s fingers only inches away from his neck. Using his distraction, Tobias pushed him off while I marched forward, finger raised in his face, hissing, an unexplainable rage rising in my chest. “Don´t you dare talk about her like that!”

 

“It´s the truth!” He shouted back, my hand twitching, for the first time ever I wanted nothing more than to hit my own father.

 

“It. Is. Not.” Pronouncing each word carefully, my jaw started shaking as I looked into the eyes of the man I had never fully understood but always admired.  But his careless chosen words had hurt me more than any hit ever could. “You just don´t understand. Without Sam, I would no longer be here.”

 

Holding eye contact, I saw the exact second he realized what my words meant, eyes darkening. Clenching his jaw, he didn’t reply, staying completely silent for a few moments before he shook his head, marching over to the door, pulling his arm away when my mother went to grab him.

“Eric!”

 

“Don´t.” Was all he said, ignoring her silent plea, with one hand gesturing for Theo to follow him. Tobias did too but was ignored and I had the feeling it would be like that for a long time.

 

As soon as they were out the door, leaving it wide open Harper came over to pull me in her arms but I shook my head too tense, too on edge to let anyone hug me.

Looking around, my gaze landed on my mother and I called her name. She didn’t hear.

 

“Mom.” I called for her a second time when she didn’t react instantly, absentmindedly staring at the door where her husband had left in a fit of rage. “Where are they going?”

 

Sighing she turned around, face falling as she took me in, arms crossed tightly, hugging myself. “Edgar said they have Sam hidden in the basement of one of their houses close to the abnegation sector. They´re moving out in a few minutes, don´t worry.”

 

"But mom…" Furrowing my brow, I racked my brain for another basement they had held us hostage in apart from the one in the candor district and one somewhere behind erudite. Other from that they had taken us mostly higher up or into bungalows designed to withstand bombings, mostly only for a few days. In the three months, I had been abducted, we had changed locations frequently to avoid the dauntless patrols raiding abandoned buildings, being drugged for every transport. I vaguely reminded being carried through underground tunnels at one point, never knowing where exactly we came from and where we were going, the haze making everything unclear.

Suddenly, I knew what seemed so wrong with this whole statement, with this whole situation.

“Mom, weren´t the basements near abnegation filled after the trial which banned Evelyn to avoid other factionless settling in so close to them? Didn’t dad mention that after I came back?”

 

“Honey,” Mom sighed a little exasperated, her mind obviously still on my father and his reaction to the news. “Don´t worry, they will find him.” Giving me a smile that was supposed to be soothing but only managed to rile me up more she turned towards Dante. “Can you please look after her while we figure this mess out?”

Not even waiting until he replied, mom just grabbed Harper´s arm and pulled her out of the door leaving me and Dante alone in the abandoned office.

 

Turning towards him with a pleading expression, I couldn’t even start talking before he started to shake his head, expression soft but unyielding. I instantly knew what he would say, his words quenching every last ounce of hope I still carried within me. “Definitely not, Lexi. No way.”

 

"Dante…" Still shaking his head, he pulled me closer caressing my face, thumb grazing over the skin on my neck. "Please."

 

“I won´t let you leave, I´m sorry.”

 

Closing my eyes, I buried my face in his chest for a moment, nodding defeated when I pulled back. “Okay.” My reply was meek, voice void of every hope to get him to change his mind.

 

Rubbing my eyes furiously before massaging my temples, I scrunched my face up. Dante immediately took my face back into his hand, expression concerned. “Are you alright?”

 

“Yeah,” I replied, looking up at him in pain. “Just a headache.”

 

“Come on.” He slung his arms around my mid, pulling me out of the door. “I have pills at home.”

 

"You mean that amity stuff?" I scoffed, wincing with every step I took. "That never works with normal headaches, least of all with a migraine. Can I get something from the infirmary? Their pills always help.”

 

Contemplating for a second, Dante shrugged his shoulders and started leading me towards the infirmary through quiet, almost abandoned floors. We only met a few members along the way and those were too busy hurrying around to pay us much attention but I knew it wouldn’t last long. By tomorrow everyone would know everything and the happenings of today would be all that they´re talking about.

“Just because you idiots made us run while drunk. I always get a headache from liquor.” I scowled at him as he started chuckling, posture for the first time relaxed as I lightly pushed him away.

 "You're just a lightweight." He joked, ruffling my hair as we arrived at the threshold. A nurse at the front desk waved me through and I gave Dante a kiss, telling him to wait while I went to ask the doctor for a prescription which could take a few minutes since he was stitching up a drunk who fell off a flight of stairs, or so I was told.

Giving him a small, pained smile I disappeared into one of the treatments room, making sure he saw how slowly I was walking as if each and every step rattled my hurting brain even more. Leaving the door slightly ajar, I hurried over to the medication table, rummaging through it until I found what I was searching for. Pulling out two of the vials and one syringe, I went back to the door, watching how Dante and the nurse made pleasant conversation, waiting until his back was turned to me before stealthily and on quiet feet leaving the room, steps widening the further I got away from him.

 

Even though my heart started to hurt, begging me to return to him, I quickened my pace until I was almost sprinting through the corridors, knowing full well that I only had a ten to fifteen minutes’ head start – until the doctor, or a nurse, would discover that the room I should be in was empty and the hunt would begin.

 

My first stop was the abandoned dorms, all dauntless born somewhere away in the compound and I pulled my clothes off hurriedly, replacing them with the uniform I had worn yesterday and thankfully brought here to wash it later. Tugging the laces of my boots inside so they wouldn’t bother me, I fastened the strap of the gun holster, my loot from the infirmary firmly stored in the pocket of my jacket, ready to use. Just like the knife tugged in my pants, the engraving driving me to betray the person closest to me to save the one whose spot he had taken.

Because that´s what Dante was by now, my person.

 

It was already ten pm, the disaster of a family meeting having taken much longer than I thought it had, my outburst that left Edgar with four bullet wounds already over an hour and a half away, enough time for the med team to stitch him up and throw him into the holding cells. Raking my thoughts for an idea how to get in there without being seen and captured I ran head first into a person, landing on top of him as we fell to the floor in a heap of limbs.

 

“Fucking hell.” A familiar voice grumbled and my head snapped up, taking in the person who had taken my elbow to the guts.

 

Rob was scrunching his face up, clearly in pain but mine lit up, the first glimmer of hope in this dark night of mine. It seemed as if fate had given me the perfect opportunity to execute my plan. Grabbing his arm harshly, Rob looked up at me startled and annoyed until he recognized me, eyes turning wide.

“Lexi!” He exclaimed, letting me pull him upright, steadying with a hand on his elbow as he watched me with newfound respect – or maybe it was fright. “What the hell is going on? The whole faction is being mobilized, there are soldiers in full gear running around like headless chicken – it looks as if we´re going to war!”

 

Not bothering to answer any of his questions, I shook him lightly until he stopped rambling before looking deep into his eyes, trying to convince him how urgent my situation was, what price would be to pay if I should not succeed.

 

“Rob, I need your help.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I´m a horrible person :D  How do you like my little twist? :D
> 
> I´m so thrilled to finally be able to write what I´ve wanted ever since the beginning… I know this chapter was intense, a lot of talk & the next chapter won´t be any different just a lot more action.. The hunt begins..
> 
> I will start writing that one soon, this one took a lot of time & a lot of editing to make it (hopefully) perfect so it could take a few days but it will be worth it!
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading & everyone who reviewed! :)


	27. Chapter 26

**Rob´s only condition** for his help was, that I would include him in whatever I was planning. Begrudgingly, I agreed, having no time to spare with unnecessary arguing, the minutes running through my fingers like sand, each passing second another one lost forever.

 

Hurrying through the almost empty hallways, footsteps echoing, resonating, being thrown back by the stone I asked myself how many soldiers exactly my father took with him, having the compound never seen this empty, almost abandoned. Only near the holding cells, we came upon other members, patrol officers making sure the prisoners wouldn’t escape. There was only one way into the prison – and one way out.

While four of them patrolled the hallways branching off the seemingly endless flight of stairs leading down, there was only one guard directly in front of the door, looking bored, just like I´d hoped. Getting to this point without being seen had been a challenge in itself because we had to avoid every camera but with my extensive of the compound, the twins having me shown every nook of our underground compound – and the buildings above – we were able to sneak by, hiding in an alcove until the patrol passed us.

 

Lurking around the corner, I gave Rob a nod signaling for him to do what I had come up with, him being the decoy to lure him away from the door.

Rob gave me a tense smile as he rounded the corner, immediately starting to run towards the patrol officer as if in a frenzied state of panic, only sluggishly slowing down to a stop.

 His breathing was ragged as if he had sprinted his way down here, voice sounding genuinely relieved when he doubled over, holding his side in pain. If I hadn’t known better I would have fallen for his acting myself but when he scrunched up his pain and sharply sucked in a lungful of air I realized it wasn’t just a farce, he was still exhausted from all the stairs we had passed coming down here.

  
“I´m so… lucky, I found you!” He wheezed out, looking up at the dauntless who had one hand on his gun, looking around in alert. "I got lost here and I heard something… up in the ventilation system, I think." Gulping heavily, Rob´s voice grew panicky, eyes widening. “I think it´s factionless!”

 

“Where?” The guard grabbed his shoulder, looking down the corridor Rob had come from. Pressing myself against the wall, I didn’t dare to move afraid they´d see me – or worse, shot on sight.

Another pair of steps came hurrying closer, stopping when they reached them.

 

“Halfway up the stairs, maybe four corridors over!” The sincere angst in his voice had them on high alert and I could basically see them clutching their guns, ready to shoot.

 

"Come on." A female voice urged, two pairs of feet starting to run into the direction Rob had come from, one lagging behind as I pressed myself further into the shadows, watching them run past my hideout, Rob wiggling his eyebrows at me as he started to catch up with them. Shaking my head at him, I let myself be amused for a few moments before exhaling heavily, growing serious, solely focusing on what I was about to do.

When I was sure, they were out of sight I came out of my hiding, eyes flitting into every direction searching for someone who could spot me before walking over to the heavy steel door. Regarding the access panel in front of it with a hard stare, I tried to remember how exactly Jon and Andy had managed to open it, locking Ben in one of the cells for over twelve hours before he was rescued by his livid father, hypothermic and reduced to a sobbing mess. I had never in my life seen the twins this afraid, nor my cousin cry that bad, ever.

 

Trailing my hands along the panel, I searched for the small switch they had mentioned pressing it inside when I found it hidden on the bottom, turning my head as I heard a camera zooming in, telling me that I had just been spotted.

I had to hurry or they would get me, no doubt having already sent out a few members to get me.

 

Luckily, it worked just as I remembered it, the card reader could be flipped open, a control unit working with a code hidden beneath. Raking my head, I tried remembering each number of the sixteen-digit code the leaders had for emergencies or to get access to secret information on their computers, a universal code so to say. I held my breath, anticipating, _hoping_ that the door would open up, letting me inside to seek out the person I had wanted dead not even an hour earlier.

My fingers lingering on the keypad, I let out a huge breath, shoulders sagging in relief when the click of the lock opening echoed through the hallway. Without wasting another second I slipped through the crack of the door, letting it fall close behind me with an ominous bang, the finality of what I was about to do setting in.

 

Hurrying past closed steel doors with a single window made out of bulletproof glass, I peered into every room, searching for him but the only thing I found was emptiness and the occasional culprit who had been locked in here for correction measures. When I arrived at the end of the corridor, I knew exactly where he was.

 

There was another steel door but unlike the other ones, this one had a key panel in front of it instead of a lock. Cursing my stupidity, not having thought about stealing a key while simultaneously relieved beyond measure that it wasn’t needed I carefully approached the door, for a moment hesitant if I should really set foot into that cell regarding what happened before. But the image of an older abused Sam dying lonely somewhere in this god forsaken city because I couldn't get over myself drove me further and before I realized what I was doing I had already entered the code and pushed the door open stepping into the small room.

 

The cell was sparsely equipped, only a simple metal bed, screwed to the floor, with a thin blanket on top of it, a facet and a toilet in the corner. The walls were all as dark, as the stone, our whole compound was built of and the light came from a single fluorescent tube, that shone bright, but cold giving the whole scene an eerie feeling to it.

Edgar was lying on the bed, white bandages visible beneath his tattered clothes but his face had been cleaned, the absence of blood accentuating the purple bruises now swelling his eye shut. If he heard the door open, he didn’t acknowledge it, keeping on staring up at the wall, face impassive.

Slowly inching closer, I narrowed my eyes, careful, ready for whatever he would try to get out of his captivity but he only sighed, motionless except for the raising and lowering of his chest.

“I knew you would come.”

 

His emotionless voice came as a surprise and I froze for a moment before raising my eyebrow, snorting at his self-assurance. “Really?”

 

“Of course,” He piped up lightly, rolling his eyes.  “you´re the only one in here that knows better than to just assume I was telling them the right location. I mean, what would be the fun in that?” Edgar leisurely turned his head towards me, giving me a lazy grin. Gritting my jaw, I glared right back his dismissal infuriating.

 

“What is waiting for them when they arrive?” Despite the unease in my guts, my voice came out strong, calm as I raised my chin at him.

 

Shrugging his shoulder which made him wince in pain, Edgar turned his head back to stare at the ceiling. “It´s the main assembly point for factionless, so mostly women and children. But there will also be guards there, trying to defend their families. If they don´t threaten them they should be fine.”

 

“Then why even sending them there?” I asked exasperatedly, deeply confused that he wouldn’t send them where his men were waiting for an ambush. “Where is the rest of your men?”

 

“The rest?” Edgar suddenly started chuckling, shaking his head, as he turned to look at me from the corner of his eyes. "There is no rest. Over the last four years, your father did everything possible to erase every single factionless man in this city, wasting hundreds of vials of truth serum to weed the rebels out. Granted, he never managed to capture one alive, they always fought till death.” It obviously made him proud that his man preferred death over captivity.

“The last of us able to fight tried getting to you on the patrol and last night while you were playing that stupid game of yours. The ones you shot a few weeks ago died because of a sepsis and the two from last night won´t live longer than I will.”

 

Blinking slowly, I stared at him not able to fully comprehend what he was telling me, that the factionless rebels had been defeated. Catching my eyes, he rolled his. “And the headquarter is huge and full of unnecessary shit they found around the city. Until they´re done searching through every room and every niche it will be morning and Sammy… will be dead.”

 

“What did you do?” Voice shaking with anger, I took a threatening step forward, body taught ready to end what I had begun earlier.

 

“You know,” He mused, slowly nodding to himself, expression thoughtful. “it´s not that hard to get explosives around here and once you have them, to place them strategically around the building so it will blow up once the timer runs out, burying everyone inside it forever.”

 

Clenching my fists, I didn’t fell by nails breaking skin as the rage burned like hot iron, seizing my chest up while the rest of my body grew cold, the image of a building collapsing, instantly killing everyone inside running on repeat through my head.

 

“Where?” Was all I managed to choke out, my whole body tense, torn between sprinting out of here or strangling him to death the second I got my answer.

 

“You already know.” Turning his head to look at me, Edgar´s lips curled up into a sadistic grin, his whole posture smug. “You have until twelve o´clock, Cinderella. Or your prince will be gone forever.”

* * *

 

My feet flew over stone, the sound of my boots on the floor resonating through the hallways as I sprinted to Rob and I´s meeting point, the armory. From there the next exit wasn’t far leading us right to the rails where we would in about ten minutes take the train towards the candor district.

Only one time I had to pause and hide inside an alcove from a few dauntless running towards the holding cells, no doubt searching for me, the weapons in their hands stunt guns. After all, the control room had spotted me going in and out of the prison block.

It was a miracle I had made it here without being intercepted yet.

 

Pushing open the door to the weapons room after inserting another code, I stopped for a second to level my breathing, hands stemmed on my hips, the sprint through half of the compound leaving my calves burning, an uncomfortable stitch in my side.

I wouldn’t want to imagine how it would have been for someone with less stamina.

 

Straightening up, I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants meanwhile searching for the appropriate weapons to take with me. With a few long steps, I reached the first shelve, grabbing a handgun, inserting the full magazine before tucking it into the holster on my belt, a pair of throwing knives following suit while I made sure my own was securely resting on the inside of my boot.

Now that I was equipped with short range weapons, I turned towards the machine guns but a figure leaning against the rack had me freeze on spot, my heart leaping into my throat as I met his eyes, not sure if he had been watching me the whole time or came in without me noticing.

 

Dante´s posture was visibly relaxed, arms crossed over his chest as he mustered me with his head cocked but for me, knowing him like I did the tenseness of his muscles beneath his jacket was palpable. Pushing himself off the metal bar he was leaning against, Dante´s eyes held mine captured, every step strong and determined as he stalked towards me like a predator his prey.

Shaking my head frantically, face mirroring the despair rising inside me I raised my hands, trying to get him to stop. Gnawing the insides of my cheeks, I was lost for words, no idea how I could explain it to him that I had been right and that he either would have to come with me or let me leave.

 

“Dante…” I choked out, the stony expression on his face, his hard stare a knife to my heart, tearing it apart in agony, while my mind was battling with my heart, or at least with the remnants of it.

 

"You really thought I didn't know you were planning to leave?" Disappointment. That´s all I heard, his voice low as he addressed me. “By now you should know, that at least _I_ know you better.”

 

“But you still don´t understand! You don´t understand that I have to go, Dante!” Pleading at him with my eyes, I felt a weight drop in my chest as his eyes flitted to the ceiling for a short moment, drawing in a long breath.

 

"There is a whole army out there. The only thing you will manage out there is getting yourself killed!" Dante´s tone grew sharper, trying to drive his point home but I was frantically shaking my head at him, knowing that this time _he_ was wrong.

 

“No, they have the wrong location! Dante, you have to understand! We only have…” Looking down at the clock on my wrists, my heart skipped a beat, urgency growing steadily. “till 12 o´clock which is in 58 minutes! If I´m not there before that, Sam will die!”

 

Taking a step forward, Dante pulled me towards him, hands buried in my hair tilting my head so I had to look up to him, brown eyes burning into blue ones, the intensity in his stare having me melt into him, chest pressing against his. “I won´t let you go.”

 

“Please…” I had to try again even though his tone was ultimate, just as his posture, the hopelessness spreading through my body, knowing what I had to do if we wouldn’t change his mind. “Together we might have a chance to –”

 

“No, Lexi. That´s final.” He pressed his lips against my hair and my eyes closed on their own accord. “Now, please, let´s go home and wait for the troops to come back. I promise, they´ll find him and bring him back home if he´s still out there.”

 

Dante slowly went to pull away but I held him back with my hands fisted in his shirt, face buried in his chest, inhaling deeply. Opening my tightly shut eyes, I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him down towards me until his lips met mine in a frenzy as if they were trying to make me forget everything around us as if trying to stop me.

But it was too late.

 

Crying out in surprise, Dante´s hand flew towards the side of his neck where my hand lingered, the substance already released into his bloodstream. Rubbing the sore spot, Dante´s eyes went wide in horror as he spotted the now empty syringe dangling from my fingers before it landed on the floor, glass shattering into thousand little pieces.

Shaking his head forcefully, Dante staggered backward while I followed with outstretched arms, ready to catch him as he started to sway. Tightly gripping my shoulders to keep himself upright, Dante started blinking rapidly, trying to clear his vision while I watched him struggle with the sedative, the sight in front of me driving knives deeper into my already aching chest.

 

“Lexi, no!” He rasped out, closing his eyes tightly, his hands on my shoulders tightening. When he opened them again, his face was contorted in despair, his desperation mirroring mine as I rushed to catch him, one arm slung around his back, the other one resting on his cheek turning his head so he looked into my eyes, his slowly becoming unfocused. “Please don´t…”

 

“I´m sorry. I´m so sorry Dante.” I whimpered, a lone tear running over my cheek as his knees started to buckle, doing my best to lower him gently on the floor. His eyes still open, he could only watch me as I supported his head, laying it down on my knees, taking a moment to just take him in from the slight stubble on his face to his full lips, to his desperate eyes. I brushed the soft hair away from his forehead, tears falling freely as I looked down on his face and suddenly realized that every second worrying about our relationship, fearing what it would mean to let him in, had been a waste of time.

Because there had been no way to fight it, to prevent it.

Because now I knew.

 

Bending down, I pressed a kiss to his forehead, both hands on his cheeks, his eyes only barely open as I whispered the words he had craved all along, the words I knew he needed to hear at least one time – if I wouldn’t make it back tonight.

 

“I love you.” It was just a whispered confession, my mouth directly beside his ear as the tears started to fall faster. “I´m so sorry, I love you so much but I _have to_ do this, _please_ understand.” I begged, almost expecting he would mutter that it was alright, that he would forgive me for betraying him even though his eyes were already closed, his breathing deep and even. He almost looked peaceful. The sedative worked fast.

 

“I´m sorry, _I love you._ ”

I gently lowered his head to the floor before getting up, pulling one of the blankets from the stack to place beneath his head, crumbling it to some sort of pillow. Crouching down beside him I let the tears run freely now, just for a second allowing myself to mourn the trust I had just destroyed with a single syringe before grabbing the chain dangling on my chest, the locket my mother had given me for safe keeping.

Undoing the clasp, I pulled the necklace down until the metal links ran through my fingers before taking Dante´s hand, tightly closing it around the locket, the feeling of skin on skin letting me linger as I left him with something to remember me by if the worst imaginable scenario would occur.

If I wouldn´t make it home.

 

I was still kneeling on the floor beside him, eyes run dry when the door opened with a bang, startling me. Swiveling around, I found Rob staring at the scene in front of him with disbelieving eyes flitting from my unconscious instructor to me, narrowing slightly.

 

“ _What the hell?_ ” He breathed out, taking a hesitant step forward as if Dante would suddenly jump up to surprise him. “What is _he_ doing here? Were you…   _Are you crying?_ ”

 

Turning away from his inquisitor gaze, rubbing my cheek off on my shoulder I tried to subtly brush the tears away, voice hoarse as I snorted. “Of course not.”

 

With my head lowered I got up, striding over towards the shelves Dante had leaned against, pulling the machine gun of the hook along with a full magazine and a flashlight I could attach at the top, slinging it over my shoulder gesturing for Rob who had insisted on accompanying me to do the same.

When he was done, I gestured for him to follow me out of the exit leading directly into the garage where the trucks were parked, the chances that someone would run into us now, slim. We hurried over to the metal staircase and I shouted for Rob to hurry up as I pulled myself up, barging through the steel door leading outside I could already see the headlights of the train coming close to the point we´d had to jump on and broke into a sprint.

 

Rob followed on my heels, almost as fast as I as we were running side by side and I knew that I had to do it now before it was too late. We were almost on par with the train, sprinting parallel to it before jumping on as I hit my shoulder against Rob´s while simultaneously tripping him, pulling one leg from under him. Almost not being able to avoid his flying limbs as he went down I leaped into the air, grabbing the handle of the door, hitting the opener with the palm of my hand like I had done a thousand times. Pulling myself in, I stretched my head out the door, expression apologetic as I looked back at the abnegation transfer that would have been brave enough to follow me right into the wasp´s nest.

 

“I´m sorry!” I called out against the wind, wincing myself as I watched how Rob´s figure slowly started to heave himself up until the train rounded a corner and he was out of my sight.

The moment I realized that I had managed to do everything I had planned, leaving everyone behind to go on my own, I let out a relieved breath. Taking Rob with me like he had insisted may have increased the chance of getting myself and Sam out of this building alive but I didn’t trust Edgar, not with my life and certainly not with the one of others.

The whole ordeal could still be a trap, either to get me to come to the or to kill me, not to mention that the likes of Sam really being alive were slim to none after four years in the hands of the factionless.

I know, I wouldn’t have lasted four months.

 

Closing my eyes, trying to concentrate on my mission, I leaned the back of my head against the wall of the train, slowly sliding down until I was sitting on the floor, gun on the floor by my side. Inhaling and exhaling deeply for a few times, I did just what Amar taught me, emptying my head from all doubts and wayward thoughts ghosting through it, slipping into a calm state of mind, the only thing focusing on what I was about to do.

I stayed in this position, letting all anxiety flow out of my body until the watch on my arm started beeping, signaling for me that it was time to get off.

 

Opening my eyes, I slowly got up grabbing the barrel of the gun before walking over to the open door where the city passed by. The train only slowed down slightly as he approached a patch of grass and I got ready, knowing this was my stop. Throwing the gun before I jumped myself, I landed with a roll rather than running it off. I had injured my ankles one too many time to risk it now, the shoulder better able to take the brunt of my fall.

Massaging the part on my back I landed on slightly, I hobbled over to where my gun lay in the grass, picking it up, inspecting it for any damage. When I found none, I let it hang by my side as I took in my surroundings, comparing it with the map inside my head.

The city was dark, the only light coming from the merciless mart far to my right and the moon above me, plunging the whole city into a silvery light.

For anyone now looking out of the window, it seemed like any other night, the tranquility peaceful, almost beautiful but I knew better.

That people could die tonight.

 

The train ride had taken me about twenty-five minutes and looking down at the watch, I realized that I had barely another twenty-three to get to the abandoned warehouse that still haunted my nightmares.

Cursing Edgar under my breath, I asked myself why it couldn’t have been noon instead of midnight – everything to make it more creepy.

Unease settled in my guts as I held the gun ready to shoot while jogging into the direction of the abandoned brick building that used to be a warehouse – the same one I had been held captive in, the same one where Edgar had injected Sam with god-knows-what, the same one from the patrol I had almost been abducted at after they shot at us.

 

Scurrying through the shadows of the ruins around me, I kept a close eye on every possible threat, every possible shattered window a gun could be fired out of without slowing down, knowing that time was against me. After a solid five-minute sprint through the abandoned part of the outer candor district, I finally arrived at my destination, the old brick building with its shattered windows and heavy steel doors looming dangerously from the hard concrete, speaking of impending doom.

Knowing that the whole house was wired, covered in explosives and basically, one huge mousetrap had my heart beating faster, a short image of the ceiling collapsing above me flitting through my mind but I shook it off, returning to the small piece of sanity inside my mind. Sending one quick prayer to the heavens before pushing open the steel door, the creaking of rusted metal only intensifying my unease, I hurried inside, thinking to have seen something move behind the cardboard covered window.

 

Like we had done on the patrol, I walked cautiously but not as slow, gun always pointing towards where danger could lurk, peering into every branching off hallway just to find it empty, the small circle of light leaving a huge portion of my surroundings in the shadows that were dancing around me with every one of my movements.

I had known that it wouldn’t be easy from the start, that Sam wouldn’t just wait in the first room for me to find him. Edgar wanted to play a game, to fuck with my mind and for that to succeed, there were only two rooms in this building that were suitable settings, both in the depths of the basement.

 

Inching forward, I soon reached the hallway going downstairs only turning to take one last look around, rifle in position. When there was still no movement, I leaped down the stairs, taking two steps at once, neck itching in paranoia knowing that right now I was an easy target.

It was quiet, too quiet.

 

I hadn't met one factionless yet which unnerved me, the abandoned building eerie, not one sign that life existed outside these brick walls – or once had, inside.

I didn’t know if it was because they had already vacated it because of the impending detonation or because they were waiting for me in one of the dark rooms, ready to pounce as soon as I was within reach.

Slowly inching through the hallways, I cursed the dauntless for not closing the doors on either side, leaving me open for any attack. I did neither have the forces nor the time to check them all, my back being basically a huge, walking target for any bullet or knife coming my way.

Maybe I should have taken Rob with me to cover my back but if something happened to him, I could never forgive myself. It would be the exact same situation I had been in before just with another victim.

And the guilt was still eating me alive.

 

The visible rusty pipes and the concrete floor caused a strange feeling of Deja-vu to bubble up inside my chest, my heart rate increasing as I spotted the familiar steel door admits the others in the dark hallway, the only source of light being the flashlight on top of my gun.

Placing my hand on the door of my old cell, I slowly pushed it open ready for whatever would be inside.

 

Shining the light along the walls and the empty floor, I stopped short when I spotted a drawing on the concrete, stepping closer with squinted eyes. A wave of disgust towards my maniac uncle swept through my chest as I realized that it was a colorful illustration of a crown, the taunt of the nickname he had given me: dauntless princess.

He had carefully planned this out.

Gritting my jaw, angry at myself that I let him get the better of me even while in custody miles away, I stepped backward out of the cell, making sure that no one snuck up on me while I was busy studying it.

 

Not wasting another second with his taunts, I continued forward towards the last possible location, where I had found the coin, where the most abuse had taken place – the torture room.

Once again the hallways were abandoned, no sign of human inhabitance except for footprints on the dusty floor which I couldn’t decipher if they had come from our patrol or one of them preparing whatever the hell would go down here tonight.

I gripped the gun tighter.

 

At last, I was standing right in front of the room I had not so long ago found the coin in, the one keepsake Sam always carried around with him wherever he went. I had to close my eyes for a moment, mustering up the courage to push the door open, ready for whatever hope I had to be crushed the moment I realized that there was no one inside, that it was empty.

Just that it wasn’t.

 

Letting the door fall shut behind me, the lock not clicking into place my whole body went numb as I stared at the lone figure chained to the floor, stripped from the waist up, severely malnourished, his hair hanging down to his shoulders that were marred with scars young and old – but alive.

_He was alive._

“ _Sam…_ ”

 

Slowly raising his head, I met Sam´s green eyes and a small, exhausted smile tugged his lips up, a shadow of the brightness he used to radiate but that it was still there was a miracle.

_He was a miracle._

 

I didn’t even feel the gun sliding from my hands, my whole body numb, shaking as I clasped my fingers in front of my mouth, the tears streaming freely over my face, there was no holding back anymore.

If they were from relief, guilt or something else I had no idea but as they slid over my cheeks, leaving wet trails behind I stumbled forward falling to my knees right in front of him, legs too weak to hold me up any longer.

 

Sam´s hands were shackled, just like his feet, a solid iron chain anchored into the concrete floor holding him in place. Shuffling forward until I was right in front of him, I took his head into my hand's thumbs gliding over his face on their own accord as if they couldn't believe they got to touch him again. After thinking him dead for so long having him in my arms felt _so right_.

 

Holding him upright my eyes frantically flitted over his whole body, searching for injuries, for any signs that he wasn’t himself, for proof that he was real.

That this was real.

Relaxing into my touch, Sam closed his eyes and fell forward leaning his head against my shoulder while I ran my fingers through his curly hair, smoothing it down in a soothing gesture while I quietly tried to fight my sobs, muffling them on his shoulder.

 

“Lexi.” His voice was rough from dehydration, tired and way deeper than I remembered but he was still Sam, my Sam. Pulling himself upright with great difficulty he grabbed my hand with his shackled ones, looking deep into my eyes, the spark in his baffling me. “You have to get out of here. They´re going to blow up this whole building in a few minutes…”

 

He started coughing, trying to go one but I cut him off by shaking my head at him, finally getting a hold of myself, realizing how much time I had wasted with our reunion.

“I know.”

Grabbing a knife from my belt I scrunched my face up in concentration, pulling the shackles closer, searching for a point to start getting him free.

 

“Then leave! Please.” Sam´s voice got stronger, the urgency rising but I only snorted shooting him my most serious look.

 

"I won´t." When he went to argue, I cut him off with a gesture of my hand, ramming the tip of the knife into the lock, hoping the only metal would give in. But no such luck. "I would rather die than leave you behind after just finding you, Sam. You know me that well."

Throwing the knife away in frustration, knowing if we didn’t hurry up we´d be buried beneath this building forever I grabbed the handgun from its holster. “Stretch out your arms.”

 

Eyeing the gun skeptically, Sam looked up at me face scrunched up. “ _Really?_ You´re going to shot the lock?”

 

“Yeah, is there a problem?” I asked, slightly exasperated that he was wasting our time with a pointless argument and a little offended that he doubted my abilities.

 

“No, it´s just… the last time I saw you shooting you weren’t really accurate with your aim, that´s all. I mean, after all, you shot Ben in the head with a dart while aiming for his stomach…” Sam spoke hesitantly as if trying not to hurt my feelings which only made me snort as I focused on the gun and pulled the trigger.

The lock burst, freeing his hands.

 

“A lot has changed.” Positioning him so I could do the same with the shackles on his feet, I managed to free him completely, looking down at the watch I realized we had less than seven minutes to get out of here.

 

“Clearly.” Sam mumbled, his tone indecipherable but I choose not to comment it instead pushing the handgun into his stomach, waiting for him to grab it. When he had it securely in his hand, I slowly helped him up his movements stiff and unsure after being chained to the floor for god knows how long, not even mentioning malnourishment and the abuse he suffered at the hands of the factionless.

Giving him a small smile when he stayed upright, I bend down to grab my own gun having missed the lonely pair of feet coming our way, halting in front of the door until Sam cried out.

 

“Lexi, look out!” Spinning around instantly, I raised my rifle and pushed Sam back to the ground just to meet the eyes of a beardy factionless, face smeared with crumbling dirt as he raised the handgun and fired.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He really is alive and seemingly okay… Who would have thought that? I feel so evil right now :D
> 
> I´m sorry for leaving you with a cliffhanger but I already have the next chapter fully planned out.. after that one I´m going to write another one for undoing :)  (hopefully :D)
> 
>  
> 
> I´ve been caught up watching three seasons of The 100 in about four days if that explains my absence… Watching all of them fuck up so badly has me questioning if anyone of them deserves to survive :D I love Octavia, she´s amazing..
> 
>  
> 
> Soo.. Thank you for reading & to everyone who reviewed!! :)


	28. Chapter 27

 

 **It was only a fraction of a second** in which two gunshots rang through the room but for me, it felt like an eternity, as if I was stuck in honey my limbs not moving faster even though I urged them to. 

Two bodies were falling in slow motion, one having been pushed, the other one with a bullet through his head, dark red blood leaving marks on its surroundings as the projectile left it through the back, annihilating another life in this city.

I saw the light leaving his eyes.

 

The factionless slowly fell backward, motionless, eyes rolling into his head as the bullet he fired a split second after mine did meet its target. The impact had me stumbling back and for a moment I felt nothing, almost floating in space until the pain hit and ripped me out of my stupor, the time that seemed to be stuck only seconds ago now running on fast forward.

Crying out, I pressed my right hand onto the wound directly trying to stop the blood gushing out by applying pressure. Bending over, gritting my teeth I suppressed another scream as the slightest movement of my arm send sharp sparks of pain into my whole upper body, the sheer agony letting my whole body grow cold despite the small sheen of sweat covering my skin.

 

“Lexi!” Sam shouted, scrambling to get up from the floor where he had landed after I pushed him, his voice frantic as he tried to get me to straighten up, letting him have a look at the where the bullet had entered my body right beneath my left collarbone.

A suppressed whimper left my mouth as he first helped me out of my jacket before ripping the fabric of my shirt apart, his face growing concerned with the amount of blood coming out of it. Sam examined it closely before meeting my eyes. “I don´t think he hit something vital but you´re losing too much blood. If we can´t stop it, it won´t be long till you pass out.”

 

“It´s not long until this fucking building blows up,” I replied bitingly, tightly clenching my eyes as I shrugged off my jacket completely before gripping the hem of my shirt starting to tear away a piece of fabric, face scrunching up as another wave of pain hit me. “We have to hurry. If I pass out, leave me here.”

 

“What are you –“ Sam didn’t get to finish his sentence before I wrapped the cloth around two fingers, bit into my shirt and without further delay pushed it right into the wound. My vision grew dark, shadows floating around the edges as I let out a silent scream almost falling to my knees. But a strong hand on my stomach held me upright, Sam´s frantic voice slowly seeping through the ringing in my ears.

 

A wave of nausea passed over me and I weakly pushed myself away from him, stumbling over to the corner where hunched over, emptying the contents of my stomach, coughing violently between heaves.

 

“Lexi…” Sam´s voice was full of despair, cautions as he stepped closer but I raised my hand at him, head leaning against the wall for just a moment closing my eyes, taking a deep breath.

 

"I´m fine." My voice was raspy and I struggled to get something out as I looked over to where the man lay in the threshold, only his legs visible, my stomach rolling again. Wiping my mouth off at what remained from my shirt, I straightened up, clock showing that we only had five minutes left. “Let´s go.”

 

“Lex – “ Four minutes, fifty-five seconds.

 

“I said let´s go!” Turning to glare at him, I made my way over to the open door, arms stiff held close to my body as I stepped over the body knowing that the eyes staring into nothingness would forever haunt me – as the first person I killed.

Sam followed me with the same caution not to step on any limbs, face unreadable as we hurried down the hallway to our best abilities, he weak from the years of mistreatment, I from the blood loss. We had switched guns since it was impossible for me to fire the machine gun with only one arm, even the stairs an almost impossible and more than daunting obstacle. Pulling myself up the banister, every step resonated first into my shoulder before radiating into my skull, a blinding headache forming.

Sam wasn't faring much better, legs shaky, his breathing heavy as we finally arrived on top of the stairs, almost too exhausted to be cautious any longer but I was determined that no one would ever get the better of me like that again.

Stumbling over his own feet, Sam went down hitting the floor painfully, scratching his hands open on the rough surface of the withered concrete. I was two steps in front of him, quickly turning back to help as I heard him fall. Squatting down, I laid his arm over my good shoulder, pulling him back up with tremendous effort, continuing to support him as we went on.

 

Stumbling through the hallway with trembling limbs, I realized as we arrived at the door that we had only a little over a minute left as I pushed against it, ready to rejoice the second we´d be outside. But it didn’t budge.

 

With a sick feeling in my guts, I started to pull but the last gate between our freedom refused to budge. Gulping heavily, I turned towards Sam whose eyes were as wide as mine.

“What should we do?”

 

Blinking slowly, I tried to think of something, _anything_ , but my mind was empty, a gaping void but my heart resisted the thought of giving up mere meters away from the promised safety, a small spark igniting inside my chest quickly turning into an inferno. The anger I felt was indescribable, refusing to accept that I would never see Dante again after leaving him without a proper goodbye. My whole body was burning, but my eyes cold as I snatched the machine gun out of Sam´s grasp.

“Take cover.”

 

For a second he seemingly wanted to object but the expression on my face had him just nod before he disappeared into the nearest hallway to our right. I walked back a few steps until I was maybe 15 feet away from the steel door, gritting my jaw as tightly as I could, the pain from raising my arm so high almost maddening if it hadn't been for the adrenaline coursing through my veins, letting my whole body grew numb to it.

Squinting one eye, I took aim and fired – bullet after bullet hitting the lock in rapid succession until an especially well-placed shot shattered it completely, the door slowly swinging open a few inches.

“Sam!”

 

He was by my side in less than two seconds and together we crossed the threshold, the cold night air and all its smells that met our faces was almost heavenly after the musty smell of the basement.

 

Looking at each other, our faces both mirrored the other one´s relief but when my watch beeped that we only had thirty seconds left to midnight, I grabbed Sam´s hand in my right one and started running with whatever strength I had left, my best friend doing the same. We had just made it out of the alleyway between the brick buildings, a place we would have died also, much too close to the detonation, and made a sharp right turn to get out of the range when the clock stroke midnight.

Throwing myself onto Sam, I brought us both down meeting the street hard, thinking for just one second that Edgar had bluffed when nothing happened – until an enormous blast disrupted the peaceful night, the sound of hundreds of explosives being activated, taking down a building that survived a nuclear war, deafening.

 

We were safe from the fragments flying around, the building to our left taking the brunt of brick stones cutting through the air, deadlier than missiles. But the cloud of smoke and ash enveloped us whole, our whole world disappearing behind a veil of yellow-grey ash. Pulling my t-shirt over nose and mouth, I tightly closed my eyes feeling that Sam was doing the same. We lay there for a few minutes, just trying to breathe as the huge cloud of ash spread through the bigger part of the candor district, alerting the authorities that something wrong happened here. That alone with knowing that dauntless were searching for me, with the control room aware of my visit at Edgar´s, Dante being awake after the sedative worked for only ten minutes and Rob trying to help made it obvious to me that the first patrol would arrive here in under ten minutes.

And I was right.

 

We were just getting up, slowly and exhausted, my eyes threatening to fall shut now that there was no longer adrenaline running through my veins as the shouting and stomping from at least a dozen men came closer, light dimmed by the particles still flowing through the air. Slowly pushing myself up, I got to my feet and staggered forward, one hand raised high in the air to show I meant no harm, Sam behind me.

They spotted us, immediately circling us with their guns raised high ready to shoot, shouting for us to stay where we are. Doing exactly as they did, I started swaying on my spot, eyelids slowly but surely dropping shut, my body growing heavy.

 

Someone shouted at the dauntless surrounding us to drop their weapons and I watched the figure marching over through squinted eyes, his face only slowly becoming clear through the fog in- and outside my brain. Letting my arm that fell like lead fall to my side, I let out a relieved breath as I recognized my mentor striding over, his face unbelieving as he spotted Sam towering behind me, before looking at me, instantly on alert.

Giving him a triumphant smile, I grabbed his arms with the last strength I could muster up, Amar immediately supporting me as I stumbled over my own feet, vision blurry.

“I did it.” Was the last I managed to get out before my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I passed out, the last thing I felt was his arms catching me.

* * *

 

The first thing I noticed after slowly regaining my consciousness was a steady beeping sound, right beside my ear. Groaning, still too tired to get up so early, I raised my hand to swat the alarm clock, to turn it off. But instead of finding Dante´s nightstand right beside the bed, my knuckle met an iron pole harshly, a painful tug on the back of my hand and I hissed, my eyes flying open.

The bright white light blinded me and I had to close my eyes again with a low groan, taking several moments of blinking until I could make out the silhouette of the room I was in.

Was this… the infirmary?

_Not again._

 

Groaning, I pushed myself up with my right arm, somehow not able to feel my left one, noting that the iron pole I had hit was where an IV hung that went into my arm. I scrunched up my face. I hate needles.

 Lifting the gown, I squinted at the white linen bandage covering my whole left shoulder, my arm bound to my chest with a sling. My mind was still foggy and I racked my brain, trying to find an explanation for my unconsciousness and especially where I had gotten such a severe injury.

Initiation during a fight? At the war games –

 

Suddenly the image of a body tumbling over, lifeless eyes staring back at me had me gasp and I sat up on the bed, breathing quickening as an onslaught of images came back to me, the hopelessness, the desperation I had lived through before I collapsed now strangely contorted, memories blurred like a dream too realistic.

But it was true, surely it had really happened.

Sam was alive.

 

Scrambling up, I send a short thank you to erudite for making painkillers so effective, remembering how the agony almost killed me, before ripping the IV from my hand, standing up. For a moment, everything around me swayed and I had to grip the railing of the bed to keep my upright, the head rush passing slowly.

When I didn’t feel like fainting again, I slowly straightened up staring straight at the clock that showed it was five o’clock with no indication if was morning or evening. Walking towards the door, I almost left the room in just my gown but realized the last second that it was gaping open, exposing my whole backside.

Cursing, I searched the room for anything appropriate to wear, my eyes coming to rest on a pile of clothes neatly stacked on the chair.

Hobbling over, I grabbed the first item, shaking it with one hand to see what it was – a sweatshirt.

No way in hell.

 

Throwing it on the bed knowing I could never get my arm in there without pulling every stitch I assumed was beneath the bandage, I unfolded the next one, rejoicing when I was met by a pair of sweatpants.

It was quite the struggle to get them on, just like the tank top but after minutes of pulling and twisting I had managed to dress myself skipping the socks that would have been a pain to get on, and headed out the door.

 

With distaste, I realized that I was in the same room I had stolen the sedatives, the irony not lost on me. With a scrunched up face, I slowly peered through the small windows on the rooms until I found what I was searching for.

 

The door to Sam´s room was open and he was lying in his bed, a small smile playing on his lips as he talked to his mother, his little sister Isla curled up on his chest, looking so young in that moment that I almost forgot she was the same age now as we had been when the factionless got us.

Sam, on the other hand, looked older, now that he was free from dirt, his long hair shaved, the prominent line of his jaw was visible, seeing his face all grown up a strange experience for me. Not to mention that I only now realized he wasn't as skinny as I thought he would be after four years of malnourishment, his muscles not prominent but still defined. With a little food and training, he would look just like the other men here in dauntless, no doubt.

 

Not wanting to disrupt their family reunion I cautiously took a step back, planning on going to search for a member of my family when Bell looked up, spotting me. Immediately her face contorted into the brightest smile I had seen in over four years and she jumped up, hurrying over. Taking me into her arms, Bell made sure to be careful of my shoulder as she squeezed me tightly in a motherly hug, tears brimming in her eyes when she pulled back to take my face into her hands.

“I don´t know how to tell you how much you did for our family. There are no words to express my gratitude.”

 

“Please, don´t.” I lowered my eyes, not longer able to hold her stare the familiar feeling of guilt twisting my guts. “I just gave you back what I took from you.”

 

“Don´t be ridiculous!” Bell chided me, smoothing over my hair as she searched my gaze, her expression nothing but serious. “Thank you for bringing my boy back.”

 

Feeling somehow awkward, I gave her a smile and nodded. “The least I could do.”

 

Bell let out a small chuckle before shaking her head, pressing a kiss to my hair. Letting go of me completely, she turned towards her daughter. “Come on, Isla, we´re going to get Sam a piece of our cake. I´m sure he missed it.”

 

"The times I could remember it, I sure did." Sam piped up, laughing lightly, his eyes glinting with mischief as he looked at his mother. "But I missed you more, Mom."

 

Bell was visibly struggling to hold her tears back as he rushed back to her son, taking his face into her hands and like she had done to me, press a kiss to his forehead. Stepping back, she quickly brushed the stray tears away, gesturing for Isla to follow her out. I waited for them to leave the room before entering, Bell lightly squeezing my shoulder as she walked by, Isla giving me a tight smile that I reciprocated.

She never really said anything to me but the way she acted towards me since I had come back, somehow colder and less friendly had me thinking that she must blame me for his alleged death, even if it had been just subconsciously. Considering her another member of my family it had stung but I was thinking the same so I couldn’t really blame her.

 

A small cough pulled me out of my thoughts and I looked up to see Sam watching me with a questioning expression, his eyebrows raised. Blinking rapidly, I realized that I was still standing in the hallway and hurried in, closing the door behind me to stall a little. Turning towards him I forced a smile and stepped up to his bed, shifting on my feet uncomfortably staring at the blankets covering his legs.

Suddenly a loud laugh started me and my head whipped towards Sam who was holding his belly, almost choking as he continued to wheeze in laughter even though it obviously hurt.

“God…” He managed to get out, groaning with another shake of his body, his face turning red. “You´re so… you´re so awkward! I… I almost forgot how… awkward you are!” Pausing between chuckles, Sam shook his head at me, before flopping back against his pillow.

 

“Hey! This makes me uncomfortable, okay?” I narrowed my eyes, glaring at him to hide my embarrassment but the slight coloring on my cheeks wasn’t lost on him as he bit his lip, taking a few breaths to calm himself down. “I have no idea how to treat you, Sam.”

 

When he looked back up, his smile was deflated a little his eyes less bright. “I´m still me, you know. So maybe treat me like everyone else, Lex.”

 

This time it was my turn to let out a laugh, avoiding his eyes by staring at the ceiling, a sarcastic smile on my lips. “No, I don´t think that´ll work.”

 

"Why not?" Sam's voice grew harsher, his jaw gritted, my refusal agitating.

 

“Because that´s not what you want. Believe me.” This time I met his gaze, my voice quieting down. Squinting his eyes, Sam looked confused for a moment.

 

“Why?” Letting out a sigh, I shrugged my shoulders the prospect of telling him who I had become somewhat frightening. If he were to judge me I don´t think I could get over it.

 

"Because I´m a screw-up." Was all I answered, giving him a smile that was supposed to be light but Sam was watching me closely, reading me like only one other person could. He scoffed.

 

“So you guilt-tripped yourself into thinking that my death was your fault for the last four years even though it clearly was not and I told you it was okay?" His statement was dead on and I couldn't help but get defensive.

 

“You just said that to make me feel better… or – or to have your last words being something positive.” I started rambling, trying to remember every reason that I had come up with as I validated my guilt. “And it was my fault in the first place, would I hadn’t behaved so stupid, running away because you ‘ _hurt my feelings’_ none of this would´ve –“

 

“Stop!” Sam´s loud voice resonated through the room and I complied instantly, shocked. “First of all, I don´t blame you, hell, I never even thought for a second that it was your fault.” Running a hand through his non-existent hair, the only thing he touched was the stubble on his head. “And second, I was an asshole.” I stared at him with wide eyes, for the first time believing to see something akin to regret. "I should have never said those things to you know how they would sound. And of course, knowing how delicate you were. I´m sorry."

 

“ _Delicate?_ ” I scoffed, not being able to stand the pleading expression on his face. Rolling my eyes at him, I smirked. “As if.”

 

Chuckling quietly, Sam shook his head. “Well as long as you´re not seeing that idiot anymore.”

 

Scrunching my face up, I thought about all the times I had landed in his bed, hammered beyond the point sanity, a light blush covering my cheeks, knowing I wouldn’t tell him this. To divert his attention, I let out a small laugh that sounded slightly hysteric.

“You know, he´s dauntless now.”

 

“NO!” Sam whined, banging his head against the headrest looking at me with his puppy eyes. “Can you please take me back? I don´t want to live under the same stone than him.”

 

“Shut up.” I frowned at him. “He´s an idiot but he´s not nearly as bad as Edgar. I have no idea how you survived four years in that hell…”

 

“It wasn’t that bad.” He shrugged his shoulders when I stared at him in disbelief. “Really, the first four months were the worst. If the whole four years would have been like that I wouldn’t have survived six months but so…”

 

Furrowing my brow, I stepped closer fiddling with the blanket, my voice quiet when I spoke after several minutes. “You earlier said something about remembering… What did you mean?”

 

Patting the space on the bed beside him, Sam looked at me expectantly, throwing the blankets back. When I gave him a deadpan stare, he rolled his eyes and repeated the motion. “Come on, it´s a long story and you´ve just been shot. You shouldn’t stand that long.”

 

I went to object but he didn’t let me, his voice teasing. “It´s like the old days, come on Lexi!”

 

Rolling my eyes at him, I awkwardly climbed onto the bed careful of my shoulder and arm as I laid back, immediately feeling the relief of not being on my feet any longer. Sighing in content I placed my head on his shoulder, a slight smile overtaking my face as I remembered all the times we used to lay like this as children, telling each other stupid stories.

 

“You okay there, munchkin?” He patted my head, earning himself a nudge into his ribs with my good arm.

 

“Start talking, Samwise.” I teased, knowing exactly how he hated being called like that and his reaction came immediately.

 

“Shut up, you know how I hate this movie.” I felt him shudder. “I´m not a fat hobbit, even though I wouldn’t mind a second breakfast when I come to think of it.”

 

Laughing lightly, we both were silent for a few moments lost in thoughts about our childhood consisting of many hours in the training room, messing around with the twins and long movie marathons that lasted the whole night.

When I nudged him, Sam sighed and rubbed his face, knowing that I wanted him to start talking.

 

“You know what happened until the day of the execution,” Sam started speaking somberly. “the day after I woke up – with no recollection of where I was, or _who_ I was. I had been brought into their headquarters with a laceration on my head and they told me I had been wounded by a dauntless grenade, therefore losing my memory because of the severe concussion I had suffered.” He gulped, with his thoughts far away. “They took me in as one of their own, Lex. As if I had been a part of their group since I was born.

I believed them. I really believed them.” His voice broke.

 

“Sam…” Turning around to look at him, my heart started hurting at the sheer agony written on his face and I grabbed his hand, squeezing tightly. “You didn’t know better.”

 

“But I did!” He exclaimed heatedly, raking his hand over his head in an exasperated manner. “I started remembering things maybe seven months later, just flashes but the images grew stronger. That´s when they injected me a second time.

Then it started again, sooner than the last time and after a year they had to do it again, then after just 5 months. That was the worst time because I was out in the city with them and saw you running in the streets below and it hit me like a ton of bricks – every single memory I had of you. They needed four men to restrain me, to keep me from reaching you.

I killed one of them, threw him out of the window.” Tightening the grip on my hand, Sam didn’t look at me, his gaze glued to the blanket.

“Three months later they gave up on me, keeping me prisoner with limited contact until one week ago when they brought me to the warehouse. I had no idea what they planned…”

 

“But _why?_ ” I asked, his explanation confusing me even more than I was before. “Why would they keep you alive? Don´t get me wrong, but I really don´t get it.” Sam stayed quiet but went rigid by my side, instantly alerting me. Turning away, he refused to look at me. “Hey…”

 

“They wanted me to kill you.”

 

Whipping my head towards him, my body grew cold as I imagined an altered version of my best friend coming out of an abandoned dark alleyway, knife in hand while the green in his eyes was frigid, another person staring back at me.

I went to sit up, pulling away but Sam slung his arm around my waist burying his head in my shoulder.

 

“You must know, surely you know that I would have never done it, Lex. I would have recognized you the second you came into my line of vision. I could never kill you.” His voice was muffled against my back and I felt him shake but couldn't do anything but blink, my body too numb from the shock of hearing that they tried using my greatest weakness against me.

Because it would have worked.

 

“How?” I choked on the word, struggling to breathe. “How did it not work on you?”

 

“I´m divergent.”

 

This made me laugh out loud, the irony of this whole situation not even amusing anymore. Edgar must have known Sam was divergent, as was I, after all the sims he put us through he should have known. But the thrive for revenge drove him to the brink of insanity, the slightest push toppling him over.

Last night was the proof it had finally happened.

 

“Welcome to the club.” I snorted, thinking about my own fucked up aptitude test. "I´m the only person in this godforsaken city that has no aptitude at all."

 

“ _What?_ ” Voice riddled with confusion, Sam finally lifted his face from my back. “How – “

 

“A lot has changed since you´ve been gone.” I´ve interrupted him somehow harshly. “So many things you have no idea of…”

 

“Like what?” He asked, trying to catch my eye but I looked away.

 

“Like the fact that I couldn’t talk for almost four years. Or that I liked to drown the memories whenever I could with whatever I could get my hands on.” Even though it hurt to speak all these things, it was easier to just blurt them out. “Or that I´m in a relationship with my instructor – or was.

That I have a daughter.”

 

I didn’t dare look back at him, too afraid of the judgment I may find. But the only thing Sam did was pull me back into his arms, letting me cry silently as everything started to catch up with me. Not just the events of last night but every single one I had wanted to share with him over the years.

Curling into his shoulder, I laid my hurt arm on his chest for support letting the dam break.

 

It took me a while to settle down so far that I could get words out, sniffling loudly while regretting the wet spot on Sam´s gown. Looking up at him through burning eyes, I found him smiling sadly at me.

“Aren´t you going to ask…?

 

"No." Sam laughed lightly, brushing the hair from my tear stained face, scrunching up his own in mock-disgusted. "As look as your instructor isn't an old creep and your child isn't fathered by Freddie, I´m all good."

 

Feeling the laughter bubble out of my chest, I slowly started chuckling before it turned into a full-blown fit of laughter. Brushing the tears from my face I realized how I had missed this, how I had missed him and I twisted my head to smirk at him.

"No, he´s not and… no, he´s not. In fact, Dante asked me the same question, he hates Freddy too. So, you two should get along just fine." Even before I finished the sentence, anxiety started to creep up on me, having no idea if Dante still wanted anything to do with me, much less meet the best friend I had chosen over him even though he begged me to stay. My sudden change of mood wasn’t lost on Sam either.

 

”Hey, what´s wrong?” Trying to get a good look on my face, I angled it away instead just shrugging my shoulders.

 

“Last night… when I realized that I needed to get to you he didn’t want to let me go. Not because he wanted you to die, of course not,” I added hastily, not wanting him to get the wrong picture. “but he thought it was one of Edgar´s game, which it certainly was but I knew I had to try.

I managed to escape him in the compound but he found me again in the armory and…” My voice grew quiet, the image of Dante lying on the floor burned into my cornea. “I had to knock him out.”

 

Whistling lowly, Sam tightened his hold around me, trying to give me some much-needed comfort. ”It may seem bad now, but I´m sure he´ll understand. If he truly loves you, you´ll always find a way.”

 

“You think so?” I asked hopefully, staring up at him.

 

Giving me s reassuring smile, Sam gently pushed my head down again, pressing a kiss to my hair.

 

“I know it.”

 

I was almost asleep, the soft rising and falling of Sam´s chest and his steady heartbeat lulling me in, trying to plunge me into the soft velvety darkness that surrounded my mind, the painkillers slowly wearing off, a small pulsing starting in my shoulder.

I almost didn’t feel Sam moving beneath me as he raised his head to look out the door but his voice pulled me out of my slumber.

“Who´s that?”

 

"Huh?" Squinting up at him through one eye, I groaned as the harsh light blinded me but still followed his line of vision, the figure standing in front of the door had me jump up, all pain forgotten.

Getting up awkwardly, the pulsing in my shoulder getting gradually worse as I hurried out the door, watching how he his back moved away from me.

  
“Dante!”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They´re home safely… Yay! :D
> 
> I originally planned to include their conversation but I´ve been writing the whole day & I´m tired :D I´ll try to update this as soon as possible, undoing too, because I decided to enter the Camp Nanowrimo where you spend a whole month writing (hopefully) every day and for that I have an original project that is set in a dystopian future a little like divergent. I have no idea how it´ll turn out but I can always try.. :D
> 
> Thank you for reading & reviewing! :)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  


	29. Chapter 28

 

 **“Dante!“** Hearing me call out for him, he stopped short frozen on his spot but didn’t turn around, only tilting his head slightly. I stood in the brightly lit hallway, the white paint reflecting the light almost painfully, giving the whole scene something surreal and I almost asked myself if I was still sleeping. But the dull throbbing in my shoulder that got gradually worse told me that I was awake – and in desperate need for painkillers.

 

Dante made no move, still facing away from me waiting if I had something else to say. Biting my lip, I watched him knowing that it was my turn to apologize and hope he would forgive me. Taking a few hesitant steps forward, I suppressed a wince as every movement jostled my shoulder but the pain did not stop there, instead wandering higher, slowly turning into a migraine.

 

Hearing me come closer, Dante visibly tensed, the hands on his sides balled to fists and from this angle, I could see his clenched jaw but he stayed still until I laid my hand on his shoulder.

“Hey…” My voice sounded weak, even to my own ears and Dante froze before shaking it off.

 

Moving away from my touch, he took a few steps towards the opposite wall only turning around when he was there was a good distance between us. And not even then he looked into my eyes, his gaze glued to my shoulder, or rather the bandage that hid it from sight. For a few tense moments I stared into his face, trying to swallow the lump rising in my throat, the lack of expression in his eyes scared me.

As if he had given up on me, given up on trying to have a relationship with the girl that always fucked up everything she touched.

The silence was driving me mad.

 

"Look at me!" I finally choked out, the high pitch of my voice having his head snap up and for the first time our eyes met. Drawing in a sharp breath, the agony I was faced with was so much worse than any physical pain I had ever gone through, it left me in shatters.

“Please look at me.” This time my voice was nothing but a whisper as I fixed my stare onto the ceiling, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay that were burning in my eyes. “I know what I did was wrong and I know that you must hate me but… please… you can´t just… not look at me… I…”

 

“You could have died tonight.” His quiet voice interrupted my hysterical rant and my gaze flitted towards him, his figure blurry but I was just able to make out that he was staring at the floor, the muscles in his jaw clenching tightly.  “You could have died and I would have been knocked out, unable to do anything to help you. Completely useless, playing right into their hands.”

 

“I am _so sorry_.” Was all I managed to get out before Dante shook his head, signaling for me to stay quiet. I complied, brushing the tear away that managed to escape its confinements, watching how he started to pace through the hallway, pulling on his hair.

 

“I was so conceited, thinking I knew exactly what they were planning.” Chuckling humorlessly, Dante shook his head, throwing his arms in the air. ”Because you know… I´m such an intelligent person, coming from erudite and all. No way a girl that hadn’t even been through her initiation could know something I don´t, right.” His gaze flitted to the ceiling, his mouth curled up into a bitter smile before he looked into my eyes, his displaying nothing but unfathomable loathing. I shriveled back further into the wall, afraid what _that_ expression would mean for us. _If_ there still was an us.

“Instead of believing you, instead of helping you, _instead of protecting you_ I forced you to face a horde of factionless all on your own like the asshole I am.”

 

“You didn’t force me to do anything, Dante! That was my decision!” Hearing him talk that badly about himself had me step forward, my voice forcefully. If I couldn´t stand one thing then it was him taking the blame for something I did even though he had absolutely no hand in it. However, my outburst triggered one of his one. Growling in frustration, his eyes hardened and in the split-second, I realized what he was about to do, I staggered back before the table flew through the hallway, the tray with surgical instruments flying through the air, clattering loudly against the floor.

Knowing he would go onto a full-on rampage if I didn’t stop him, while also remembering the one time he threw the chair in the simulation room, the first time he managed to get me to talk again, I crossed the hallway with three quick steps, grabbing his arm just as he went to kick a full medicine cabinet.

It was a miracle no nurse had come out yet and I didn’t want to try our luck with them, especially if we fucked with their equipment.

"Dante, stop goddamnit!"

 

“Can´t you just let me be angry for once?!” He shouted, throwing his hands in the air while I pulled mine back as if the touch had burned me, the glare he sent my way burning its path right into my heart. Watching him riling himself up further and further, a lone tear ran down my cheek as he pulled his hair before swiveling around and planting his fist in the wall.

The harsh thud had me flinching, knowing how much his knuckles would hurt, turning black and blue, maybe even split open.

Slinging my one good arm around myself, I stayed quiet as Dante pulled back, hissing in pain, his whole hand indeed bloody. While he tried shaking the ache off, I made my way over to the cabinet I had saved from him, pulling out a piece of gaze.

Carefully approaching him, I was relieved he let me place the small bandage on top of his cut even though his head was angled away from me, his stony gaze glued to the wall.

 

Reveling in being nearer to him ever since I stepped out of Sam´s room, I took my time taking in his features. The dark rings beneath his eyes told me he hadn’t slept much, most likely not at all since I knocked him out, the slight stubble on his face that he hadn’t taken the time to shave. He seemed deeply exhausted and knowing I had caused it, my lip started to quiver, my voice pleading when I finally brought myself to speak up.

“Please don´t hate me…”

 

Sighing deeply, Dante pulled away from me, the anger that had consumed him so shortly ago now replaced by abysmal exhaustion. Turning around, he placed both of his hands to the wall before leaning his forehead against it, closing his eyes.

“It´s not you I hate.”

 

Needing to feel him against me, I stepped behind him slinging my arm around his waist pressing myself as close to him as I could. I felt him exhale deeply before he lifted his injured hand to cover mine that lay on his stomach, fingers squeezing lightly.

Closing my eyes, I tightly pressed my face into his back, his familiar scent easing the anxiety I felt ever since waking up, not knowing what happened.

 

“What do you mean?” I mumbled into his shoulder, pulling him closer to me.

 

“I mean,” Dante started, untangling himself from my vice-like grip and turned around, his back now leaning against the wall as he stared at me. Not knowing if I really wanted to hear what he would say, I lowered my gaze to the floor – until he pulled me back into him with one hand on the low of my back, the other one smoothing my hair down that must have looked like a bird’s nest, completely tangled and full of dust.

“I should have been out there with you trying to save the life of the person closest you, Lexi…” Biting his lip he shook his head, his eyes full of regret when they finally met mine. “ –

instead of leaving you no choice than to sedate me because _I thought_ I knew better. I _forced_ you to choose between rescuing your best friend and our relationship and for that, I will never forgive myself. “ Tightening his grip on my good shoulder, he pressed my head against his chest before burying his face in my hair, his voice hoarse.

“If you would have died tonight, it would have been my fault.”

 

“You know that´s not true!” Drawing my head back to look at him, shooting him a stern gaze leaving no room for discussion “I could have taken Rob with me… but I didn’t want to endanger him – _or_ you. If you were there and would have gotten hurt because of me I could have never forgiven myself, Dante! That sort of… _guilt_ I never want to feel again.” Focusing on his chest, I remembered all the moments I felt like the guilt would eat me alive, a slow, torturous death that stripped me of everything that made me human. “And with you, it would have been so much worse because…” Swallowing heavily, I looked deep into his eyes. “Because… I love you.”

 

I had always imagined that the moment these words left my lips for the first time would be a happy one. I had imagined how Dante´s eyes would have started to glint, ever so slowly a breathtaking smile taking over his face until he scooped me up in his arms, kissing me deeply. In my mind, I had come up with _so many_ scenarios but in none of them did Dante look like this – tortured.

Letting out a shaky breath, his head fell back against the wall, his eyes diverted to the ceiling, searching before he shook his head. Watching him, I felt the panic rising in my chest, expecting for him to tell me he changed his mind about us, not able to validate the agony that contorted his face in any other way.

 

“How…” Dante started finally with a raspy voice, stopping again abruptly, clearing his throat, struggling with himself to get the words out. “If… if I can´t even keep you from being shot if I can´t rescue you… then how do I deserve your love?”

 

Snapping my head up, I stared at him unbelieving he had really just said that, that he really thought he didn’t deserve to be loved after all that _I_ had done.

No, we would not get to blame himself, not when it was all my fault.

 

“But you already did!” I exclaimed, gripping his chin in my hand when he still refused to meet my eyes. “Dante, this,” Nodding towards my bandaged shoulder, I spoke calmly, but the force behind my words compelled him to listen attentively, having to know that I spoke the truth.  “This is nothing. In a few weeks, all that will remain will be a little scar. A scar I got because I dropped my guard knowing there were enemy´s surrounding me at literally every angle. I might have been foolish but I knew I had to try.

And there is one thing I knew for sure that got me through it all.”

 

“What is it?” He mumbled after a few moments of silence when it had become apparent I wouldn’t speak on my own.

 

“You.” I breathed, giving him my most vulnerable smile when his head snapped down, his skeptical eyes burning into mine. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I raised my hand to his face, my fingers caressing the slight stubble growing on his cheek. Focusing on the prickly feeling rather than on his down-weighting stare, I went on, baring my soul in front of him.

 “Knowing you would always be there, no matter if I succeeded or failed, no matter if you would have to pay the price for my guilt because I was stupid enough to fall for their games – _just knowing_ that you would wait for me when I come home gave me enough strength to do what I had to.

Dante, I love you and nothing or _no one_ will ever be able to take that away.”

 

As if a switch had been flipped, a magnetic pull of indescribable force had our eyes glued to each other, unable to tear myself away, letting everything except the man I now knew I loved fade into the background. His brown eyes burned with intensity, the trance they had me in so powerful the world around us could have exploded without neither of us noticing. In an instant, his hands were on my face and his lips on mine, trying to devour me whole, searching for the true meaning of my words.

Burying the fingers of my right hand in his hair, the ones on my left flexed still confined by the bandage but equally desperate to get a piece of him. Dante whirled us around and now I was the one pressed against the wall, his chest tightly pressing into mine as his hands went exploring, one buried in the hair of my neck, the other lower, gripping my hip. Knowing what he wanted, I grabbed his shoulder, hoisting myself up to wrap my legs around his waist. With his arm under the back of my thigh, Dante kept me upright as our tongues battled, lip biting, the fire in our veins burning, searing everything in its wake.

 

Suddenly something changed – something I was unable to describe, the fire turning into something more tender, a fragile feeling that passed between the two of us. I know Dante felt it too because our kiss got gentler, our lips moving slower but in harmony, hands that had been gripping now caressing, the softest of touches fluttering over flushed skin.

 

There was no need to seek for validation anymore, no need for physical confirmation now that our hearts beat as one. Everything has been said, no more omissions, no feelings hidden. And the relief that flooded my whole body was indescribable.

I almost felt weightless, as light as a feather floating through space.

Smiling against his lips, that were barely moving anymore just reveling in the feeling of skin against skin, I kept my eyes closed, allowing myself for just one moment to exist and feel every emotion that coursed through my body.

“I love you.”

 

Nuzzling my nose, Dante quickly pressed his lips against mine and this time I felt them curl up, his fresh breath fanning over my face. “I love you, too.”

 

We stayed like this for a long moment, him pressing me against the wall, my fingers playing with the hair on his nape and everything felt right.

Until suddenly a wave of coldness flushed over me, the image of unmoving eyes staring at the ceiling, now buried under hundred-thousands of pounds of brick stones. The fading sound of a gunshot, stale, musty air and blood flowing out of bullet wounds had me squirming in unease.

If he knew I took a life, would he still look at me the same...?

I had to find out, we were way past keeping secrets from each other.

 

“Dante…” I spoke up quietly, tense. He didn’t seem to notice it, still lost in our moment but he hummed in reply. Swallowing tightly, I mustered up all the courage I could find in myself to tell him. “I killed someone today.”

 

He tensed against me and I turned my head away, fearing to see the emotion flitting over his face. But instead of letting me hide, Dante gently pulled my chin towards him, forcing me to look into his eyes while he scrutinized me closely, searching for something.

 

“How?” Was all he asked calmly.

 

“We were in that room, you know the one you had to carry me out on out patrol and Sam… he was chained to the floor. I had to get them off and we only had about ten minutes to get out before the whole building exploded.” The words tumbled from my mouth in a haste while I focused on the middle of Dante´s broad chest, imaged flitting through my head. “I had my back to the door while shooting at the locks to get them off but the second I had… he came through the door and shot – I just… it was like a reflex – I just fired.” Scrunching my shoulders up, I bit my lip before looking up to meet deep brown eyes staring at me in concern.  
“I hit him in the head, he was instantly dead.”

 

“Lexi…” Dante laid his hand against my cheek and I pushed myself against it, craving the security it promised as he spoke quietly. “You did what you had to do. He was the one who fired first. The only thing you did was protecting yourself and your best friend, something that was very brave of you.”

 

“But it was so… easy. I didn’t even have to think about it, I just fired!” Clinging to his vest, I remembered the recoil, the sudden silence before the body met the floor with a loud thud. Shaking my head, I tried to will it all away, instead focusing on the man who took caressed the side of my face.

 

"It just means you have been trained well, that you´re a good soldier. Hesitating even a tenth of second can decide between life and death. Maybe I´m not that bad of an instructor after all." He shot me a small smile, making me instantly feel better about what I had done. I would never forget his face, never forget how easy it was to eradicate a life but with Dante by my side, I was sure I would come to terms with it.

Who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things.

 

“Thank you.” Giving him a small but genuine smile that he returned, I decided to push all the negative thoughts away – at least for the moment – and leaned my head against the wall, gaze not leaving him. “You have to meet him, you know?”

 

“I do.” Rolling his eyes, Dante suddenly furrowed his brow, fixating me with a strange look. “But I don´t understand why you were in there with him…”

 

“Dante.” I interrupted him sternly. “You can´t be mad at me for staying with him, okay? He was just telling me what happened to him when he was with the factionless. We didn’t do anything but talk.”

 

 “That´s not even what I meant.” He defended himself harshly, rolling his eyes. “I just thought you would be with your father.”

 

“What? _Why?_ ” I stared at him confused. If my father wanted to see me, he would know where I was. I mean, I had just been shot so I couldn’t walk that fast.

But the unbelieving expression on Dante´s face had me freeze, the cogs in my head slowly starting to turn. There must be a reason why no one was at my side when I woke up even though my mother _always_ was there first, a reason why the infirmary was a ghost town, not even a single nurse had crossed our path since we had stood out here – and that had been a long time.

 

“What happened to him?!” The panic that was rising in my chest was mirrored by the tone of my voice as I grabbed Dante’s vest, silently pleading for him to not tell me what I was thinking.

 

“You don´t know?” Dante was as surprised as incredulous, his skeptical eyes searching for any indication that I was playing with him. But all he found was genuine and deep fear, for once I did not care to appear strong. Not if my father was in danger. “He was brought in around three am, Lexi… and now it´s quarter to six _pm_.”

 

Holding my breath, I waited for him to tell me, the panic seizing up my chest almost tearing me apart as Dante looked deep into my eyes, his expression full of sorrow and sympathy.

 

“Lexi… He was shot.”

* * *

 

I barreled through the door of the room in the intensive care unit I knew was reserved for high-ranking members and leaders, immediately spotting him.

My father was lying in the bed, a tube running beneath his nose to provide him with oxygen, his torso bare but wholly covered in bandages, his face white from the blood loss but the most important thing was the slow beeping of the heart monitor beside him.

 

Sitting by his side, hands entwined was my mother who jumped up when I came in, my gaze snapping up to her. Her eyes were red-rimmed and I knew she had been crying, the exhaustion evident on her face.

“Lexi…”

 

“Why did no one tell me?!” I demanded to know, snapping my head to glare at my brother who was leaning against the wall, his face stoic. “I had no idea!”

 

"We had no idea you were awake, sweetie. Otherwise, I would have come to see you immediately. I just…" She swallowed tightly, before giving me a watery smile. "It was a close call. Three bullets right into his chest, he is lucky none hit an artery or he would have bled to death with no chance of treatment…"

 

"What happened?" My voice was low, the new information almost choking me up, too knowing I was so close to losing my father because I hadn't tried hard enough to convince him to stay here, to not go.

 

“Your brother doesn’t know what take cover means.” Came a hoarse voice from the bed, followed by a painful sounding cough. Every head in the room immediately snapped towards my father who was trying to sit up but had to halt, exhaling harshly. My mother jumped up from her chair to help him slowly sit up, placing a pillow behind his back while Theo slowly came closer, obviously worn out from the last twenty-four hours, hands awkwardly stretched out as if he didn't know what to.

I stepped up to the foot of the bed, smiling lightly knowing he would be okay.

Something as trivial as death couldn’t rip my parents apart.

 

“Dad, I don´t know how…” Theo spoke, his voice cracking at the end and his Adam's apple bopped as he gulped, everything about his appearance remembering of a lost little boy the way he stared at our father.

 

“Then don`t.” Dad interrupted him sternly, seemingly getting stronger with each second. “Just promise me to not be that reckless again, then I´ll promise not to take the bullets for you.”

 

“I promise.” Theo was fast to retort, almost desperate to show him he was genuine. I furrowed my brow at him, not having heard that tone since I was five and he grounded for shooting our babysitter in the foot.

 

“Good.” Dad fixed him with one stern look that made sure to all of us that they would talk about this later, in private, before his eyes narrowed in at me, or better the bandage pinning my left arm to my torso, covering my whole shoulder, his lip pinched in frustration. “ _You!_ ”

 

“We match!” I tried to sound cheerful and not at all afraid of the repercussions that would follow my actions, but when he narrowed his eyes even further, I gave up shrugging my shoulder.

 

 

“Come here.” He beckoned me over with one arm, his movements uncoordinated and suddenly I realized: _He was high on painkillers._ Biting my lips to suppress my laughter, I stepped closer, doubling my efforts as he began to speak slightly slurred. "You're grounded…” Dad grumbled out but the glint in his eyes had me knowing he wasn’t serious. “for… life.” He nodded to himself, before shaking his head obviously giving up on me.

“That mean… no disappearing… and certainly no instructors!” He raised his voice at the end, making sure Dante who stood in the doorframe heard him loud and clear, his face showing worry for a split second until I shot him a teasing grin, that made him relax.

 

“Okay, dad.” I placated him with a genuine smile, gripping his hand in mine. He immediately pulled me closer and I took a seat at the edge of the mattress right beside me.

 

“Did you get him?” He asked quietly, hooded eyes burning into mine with concern.

 

“I did.” Nodding my head at him, I swallowed down the tears, feeling strangely emotional all of sudden. “He´s fine, dad. Way better than I was. He´ll fit right in here.”

 

“Then it was worth getting hurt for.” He wasn’t serious for long, fixing his teasing stare at my brother, the prodigious son. “At least one of my children knows how to fight.”

 

"I´m sorry to disappoint you, dad," I interjected, biting my lip to keep myself from laughing out loud. "but I only got shot because I dropped my guard just like he did."

 

“Naahh, fuck.” Dad groaned, pretending to shove me off the bed. “Amy what kind of children did you raise? They´re useless.”

 

“Well, mister. I think teaching them to fight was your task.” She teased him, trying to be unobtrusive as she brushed the tears from her face. “Your rules, your responsibility.”

 

“And here I am, asking myself how I could ever marry such a charming, supporting woman.” Dad shot right back, his lips curling up into his trademark smirk. “We´re supposed to be a dauntless dynasty and our children don´t even know to stay on that side of the gun that doesn’t shoot them. We must have done something wrong.”

 

“I think we did everything right.” Stepping closer, mom grabbed his hand, their eyes meeting, expressions showing nothing but true love. Not wanting to interrupt their moment of intimacy I looked away and found Dante who was still leaning against the doorway,

losing myself in him.

Until my father’s loud voice right beside me had me jumping in surprise.

 

“Instructor boy! C’mon here” He bellowed and my gaze flew from Dante to him, eyes widening, frightened what was to come as my father scrutinized him closely from head to toe. “Weren’t you supposed to watch her?”

 

“I was…” Dante started the same moment I exclaimed. “Dad!”

 

He stopped in confusion and I ducked my head, already anticipating their reaction to my nest words. “You can´t blame him `cause… I sedated him.”

 

“Lexi!” My mother shouted incredulous, ready to lecture me until my ears were bleeding but my father´s booming laugh had her halt, staring at him, obviously only now realizing that he was as high as a kite.

 

“Get outta here!”  Slapping his knee, dad didn’t even feel our stares on him as he continued to wheeze with laughter. “Fuck…” He panted, slowly pulling himself together. “You´re more like me than you´ll ever know…”

 

“What do you mean?” I asked confused, not knowing if he insulted or complimented me.

 

“Your father always did the same to me.” Mom pinched her lips exasperated. “He didn’t sedate me but he always left when I was asleep to avoid having to say goodbye.”

 

“By the time, you would have been done the factionless would have taken over the city.” My parents glared at each other in a playful manner before mom huffed, turning away from him to take a seat on the chair beside the bed.

Rolling my eyes at them, I slowly got up, the ache in my shoulder by now a steadily pulsing that reverberated into my teeth. Walking over to where Dante was standing, I pressed my back into his chest, alternating between listening to my parent's banter and watching Theo who was still riddled with guilt.

We stayed like this for quite some time, over half-an- hour until we were interrupted by a nurse who had come to look after my father and simultaneously handed a few papers to my brother who was now that dad was injured temporary head of our leaders.

Seeing me standing here, the nurse wasted no time in giving me shot full of pain medicine and healing serum, the same my father got, the pain immediately fading until I felt nothing but numbness and a slight itch, indicating I was healing.

 

Theo´s curse had me look up, his face hard as he handed a piece of paper over to my father who after flying over the script mirrored his expression. Staring at each other for a few seconds they seemed to silently communicate in a way only people who were close could, while the rest of us watched in confusion.

My father nodded once, causing Theo to straighten up to his whole height, an expression of determination taken over his face. I knew what this meant: He was on a mission.

 

“Take him with you.” Dad tilted his head towards Dante, who instantly got alerted, gently pushing me a little away from him after he pressed his lips to the back of my head. A quick goodbye “He suspected it from the start and he knows the perimeter. You´ll need all the help you can get.”

 

“Wait!” I called out as Theo walked towards the door and I swiveled around to see Dante doing the same, the expression on their face enough cause for concern. “What is going on?!”

 

It was my father who answered me, gravely speaking the words that would change our city forever.

 

“They found remnants of a new serum in Sam´s blood the factionless could not have access to – unless they were collaborating with erudite. They are all traitors that aided the people who hurt my family and now they will pay for it.

 

We´re coming for Jeanine.”

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can´t tell you how much I loved to write the part between Lexi & Dante.. it´s so sweet it made me fall in love with them all over again..
> 
> And Eric of course, I couldn’t leave you with a cliffhanger there even though I still did, kind off… I hope this will hold you over until I find the time to write the next one :D If you find any mistakes.. it´s 4 am & I´m tired.. basically forcing myself to complete this chapter just for you :D
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading & reviewing! :)


	30. Chapter 29

 

It had been a week since I was discharged from the infirmary and life went by as usual. My shoulder was mostly healed, only a small scar remained, a reminder of the risk- and the life- I had taken.

This morning training was the first time I participated again, lead by Dante and the twins after my father had insisted they resumed following the incident of the factionless raid and my father’s wounding. He claimed that we would stop our initiation for nothing – and no one. Despite having missed training, I was fairly sure of my abilities and not overly worried.

 

Most of our members had been busy searching through the factionless headquarters for remaining weapons or cleaning up the rubble from the explosion, making the compound early quiet at times. I had spent the days of my recovery with either Sam or Sammy, sitting on his bed while we watched old movies and ran after the three-year-old that had developed an affinity for machine guns ever since my father gave it to her when we visited him in the infirmary.

 

It had been an uncomfortable meeting, my father’s reluctance to interact with her was palpable but as soon as mom took out the gift he made her get, Sammy was over the moon and her enthusiasm reminded him of the child he had known – and loved – her whole life.

 Seeing the smile on both of their faces had been validation enough that my decision to keep her was right, he would get over it and Sammy would get the grandparents she deserved.

 

My nights were spent in Dante´s arms. At first, he refused to touch me, afraid to put a strain on my shoulder but after the third night just lying side by side I had enough being coddled even though I felt better, which I told him. Like always, he relented but threatened to stop if I’d move too much. Him being in control was such a turn on and we took the whole night showing each other that ‘I love you’ wasn’t just an empty phrase but a promise.

Of course, there was the issue at hand that had taken over the gossip mills and seemed far from being solved – the factionless and the cooperation from erudite, more precisely Jeanine Matthews.

 

I had always been wary of her but after hearing Dante´s story, I downright despised her. That he and Theo were the ones leading the mission had worried me at first and I stayed up the whole night, just to fall asleep at six am, two hours before they came back.

If there had been any doubt that erudite was collaborating with the factionless, the fact that the group of dauntless sent to question her was met by a troop of erudite soldiers denying them entrance to their headquarters had been enough to confirm it for the most of us. After sending a report to candor with all the accusations and proof, my father managed to get the new leader of Candor, a young woman named Sue Carmichael, to schedule a hearing, both for Jeanine, a few of her highest-ranking members – and of course, Edgar.

My dear uncle, so dad reassured me, would be sentenced after dauntless law. We all knew what that meant.

 

Dante hadn’t spoken about it but I knew his parents would be under the truth serum, something that surely bothered him to some point. I tried approaching the topic but he shot me down in the most pleasant way with his lips pressed against mine. I left it at that, letting him know that he can talk to me about whatever bothered him.

 

* * *

 

 

I had gone through the sims again this morning after the doctor had cleared me for physical activity and had been relieved that Dante administrated my sim, opposing to one of the twins because it had been the one I most dreaded. Trying to get the image of being strapped down onto a stone bench while the men inched closer I decided that spending the day with Sammy would be my best option since she liked to keep me busy.

After getting her from Tris´ flat, we went to get an early lunch, meeting Ivy and Avery who had went through their fears before me and were already seated on a table.

 

Ivy waved, an excited grin on her face as she spotted us and we joined them. I left Sammy in their keep while getting us food from the buffet, a mix of the things she liked: carrots and chocolate cake. I was almost done with eating and Sammy had made a mess, managing to stuff her whole face with chocolate much to Avery's delight when suddenly the mess hall got eerily quiet.

 Furrowing my brows, I turned towards the entrance to see Sam standing there a little lost, his eyes flitting over the people that were all staring at him as if he returned from the dead… Which he did, sort of.

 

“Sam!” Getting half out of my seat, I waved him over, chuckling lowly when his face contorted into relief. He hurried over and let himself fall onto the seat beside me, awkwardly smiling at Avery who couldn’t wholly hide her blatant staring. She only stopped after Ivy nudged her hard, almost throwing her off the bench.

Rolling my eyes at their antics, I turned towards Sam.

“I didn’t know you´d be discharged today.”

 

"Surprise." He exclaimed half-heartedly, throwing his arms in the air and bumping his shoulder into mine when didn't start laughing like he wanted me to. Shrugging his shoulders at my lack of interest, he started stealing the fries from my plate which earned him a small glare. "What?" He asked, shoving another one into his mouth. "I´m hungry."

 

“There´s the line.” I teasingly tilted my head towards the counter where the cook was busy replacing the empty trays with full ones, making Sam pouted.

 

“You used to always share your food with me…”

 

“We also went to the bathroom together, so…” I reminded him, laughing when he scrunched up his face, put off by the thought.

 

“You won.” Begrudgingly he went to get himself a tray after he motioned that he wasn’t done yet. Shaking my head, I finished the rest of my meal and shoved the tray away from me, watching Avery feed carrots with a small smile on my face. It didn’t take Sam long to come back and we talked lightly, mostly watching Avery do everything possible to make Sammy laugh. Even I had to shake my head when she put two carrots into her mouth, pretending to be a bunny.

I caught Sam staring at her funnily, his expression freaked out when he met my gaze. Leaning towards me, he turned his head to prevent them hearing what he said to me.

“Why are we sitting with them? They´re strange…”

 

I furrowed my brows, silently asking him if he was serious. When he shrugged his shoulders, I sighed. “They´re nice. Unlike the other dauntless born.”

When he rolled his eyes, I nudged him. “Please be nice, okay?”

 

He gave me a small nod and I smiled, turning back towards the two girls that I considered to be my friends, listening to them talking about initiation. Somehow the topic breached instructors and they started talking about Dante and Blade.

 

“We were really lucky, imagine we´d gotten a dic- uhh- douchebag as Blade… He´d made training hell.” Avery scrunched up her face, almost using the word _dick_ in front of a three-year-old. Her only answer to my raised eyebrow was a shrug of her shoulders before she resumed pulling faces much to Sammy’s delight.

 

"I heard he came onto one of the girls from their group…" Ivy was serious and I stared at her, not having heard that rumor yet. "Something about gaining extra points so she wouldn't fail…"

 

“ _Seriously?_ ” I asked, disgusted by his audacity. “I´m going to talk to dad about it… I hated that guy from the beginning.”

 

“Didn’t he, like, get up right into your face right after you jumped?” Avery piped up, looking eager for gossip.

 

“Yeah… that´s the reason…” Cocking my head, I watched her wearily but she didn’t notice it, too busy whispering something into Sammy´s ear that made her giggle.

Sam, on the other hand, had been strangely quiet and when I turned my head to look at him, his expression was thoughtful, almost brooding.

 

“Dante…” He spoke quietly, his inquisitive gaze meeting my questioning one. “Isn’t he the one that screamed at you in the infirmary hallway?”

 

I cringed. “You heard that?”

 

“Yep… Just like as he threw things through the air. I almost went looking for you.” Sam´s expression was serious, a hint of worry hidden behind his eyes. Smiling, I tried to calm his worry´s, shrugging them off.

 

“We´re dauntless and we had a fight… things tend to break when we get angry, you know that.”

 

“That doesn’t give him the right to raise his voice towards you.” Sam retaliated, sounding almost aggressive. Getting irritated, I rolled my eyes.

 

“Let´s see…” I started, sarcasm seeping through my tone. “I lied to him, knocked him out with a tranquilizer from the infirmary and disappeared, acting behind his back and betrayed his trust. He had every right to scream at me… and punch a wall or something. That´s how we handle things.”

 

“You never did.” Sam replied quietly, letting the spoon fall from his hand as if he lost his appetite. Closing my eyes, I shook my head, trying to prevent myself from being harsh. I had to keep in mind that for him, practically everything had changed, me maybe the most. So instead of replying I just shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to get into a fight with him while Avery and Ivy watched.

 

We stayed where we were, watching Sammy and listening to their conversation without participating much, but the mood was obviously strained, only light topics brought up. About ten minutes later, Dante himself came strolling into the mess-hall, followed by a guy, his hand intertwined with Harpers, who beamed up at him. Cocking my head, I watched interestedly as they sat down a few tables over, laughing over one of the guy's jokes. I guess that was Jeff, amity transfer, Dante´s best friend and obviously, the father of Harper's child.

He seemed like a nice person, the wrinkles around his mouth making it obvious he laughed often, his long dirty blonde hair pulled up into a man-bun.

Alone that had me snort.

Who thought that the dauntless princess, the absolute favorite of dauntless` most feared leader would fall in love with a man who still looked as if he´d belonged right onto the fields of amity, a banjo in arms.

Only his build was obviously dauntless, his muscles defined. Jeff was bulkier than Dante who was more on the lean side, a few inches taller too.

 

Letting my eyes flicker all over him, asking myself if he would withstand dad´s appraisal of him when I met Dante´s amused eyes. He knew exactly what I had been doing and I just felt a little bad for obviously checking out his best friend. I smiled at him, biting my lip when his eyes darkened just a little, the effect immediate as I clenched my thighs together.

Our eye-contact was interrupted by Avery calling out. “Hey!”

 

Whirling around, I saw that Sammy had escaped from her grasp and was crawling beneath the table. Before any of us could react, she was already gone, running towards the table Dante was sitting at. First, I thought she had spotted Harper and wanted to be with her aunt… or cousin… but she walked right past her and jumped into Dante´s arms. Smiling, he grabbed her and hoisted her up before sitting her down on his lap. Giggling in delight, Sammy started chattering excitedly and my heart spilled over watching him untangle the tie from her hair before he scooped her locks up that were just as hard to contain as mine, fastening them in another ponytail.

Right now I could almost see the small boy with tousled brown hair and beautiful brown eyes run around, laughing maniacally while he was chased by his dad. There was no doubt, Dante would be a great father.

And what beautiful children we would…

 

Catching up on my train of thought, I shook my head. It was way too early to think about having children with him. As if one child under the age of twenty wasn’t enough, we had only known each other for two and a half months. Admittedly, we spend almost all of the time together but it was still too soon. But maybe one day… one day far away…

 

The arrival of the other dauntless born pulled me out of my thoughts, realizing that it must be lunch break. Of course, it was, otherwise Dante wouldn't be here.

They were almost past our table when Marc froze suddenly, stretching his arm out to stop the others his eyes glued onto Sam, a lazy grin spreading over his face. I groaned inwardly as they changed directions, coming directly towards us.

“Sam!” He exclaimed, greeting him with outstretched arms. “How are you, man?”

 

“I´m good.” Grinning, Sam got up to meet him in a bro-hug before he went on, getting hugged from every single one of them. Even Cat, who practically threw herself into his arms, holding him to her with her claw-like nails. Ivy and I exchanged a creeped-out glance while from everywhere ‘Hey’s, ‘How are you’s and ‘Glad you´re back’s sounded through the whole mess hall.

Shimmying forwards on my seat, I tried to prevent another elbow meeting my back as all ten of them groveled for his attention. Maybe I was biased but for me at least half of them weren´t sincere, only trying to get a glimpse of the guy that managed to survive four years with the factionless. They had seen what those four months did to me and I was sure, I´d get to hear a lot more often how weak I was, while Sam was so strong.

I had long ago stopped caring but I wasn’t sure how he´d react hearing all of that. Somehow, showing him all my shame was uncomfortable.

Finally, after another five minutes, they all settled down – at our table.

This time I didn’t manage to stifle my groan completely which made Avery snicker into his palm.

 

I suspected Sam was still a little put off by our argument earlier because his whole attention was on the other dauntless born, chatting over how life´s been and initiation. Cat´s high-pitched giggling was almost painful to listen to and I was just about to get up and walk away, when Marks gaze came to rest on me, his grin widening.

“Lexi.” He acknowledged me, his eyes flitting over my body. “How´s the shoulder?”

 

I narrowed my eyes at him, not particularly interested in one of his games. “What do you want, Marc?”

 

“Nothing… just realized you haven’t been to the sim training for the last few times, safe for this morning of course.” He shrugged his shoulders as if he didn’t care but the glint in his eyes gave him away. I steeled myself for one of his passive-aggressive questions.  “I´ve been asking myself how it´s coming along? Having missed so many sessions, it must be hard.”

 

His mock-concern had me smiling sweetly, deciding to give him a little bit of his own medicine. “Well, Marc, how many fears have you had yet?” I questioned, pressing further. “Nine? Ten?”

 

“Seven.” He stated proudly, puffing his chest out. I must admit, it was above average but nothing special. I leaned forward as if I was about to tell him a secret.

 

“Yeah… I have three." Suddenly all conversation ceased and I felt every single one of my fellow initiates stare at me in shock. It was insanely satisfying to prove I was braver than them. “So don´t worry your pretty little head about me. Just because I ranked third in first stage doesn't mean I won´t come in first when my father gets up there to make his speech." Pointing towards the steel platform wrapping around the whole mess hall, I gave him my most saccharine smile and got off the bench, following Sammy without another word. If Sam wanted to spend his time with these idiots he was welcome to, but I wouldn’t sit to the side, acting as if they weren’t one of the main reasons the last four years of my life were a living nightmare. I would never forget.

 

Dante was already looking at me when I came up at his side, pressing a kiss onto his lips before sitting down beside him, immediately chatted up by Sammy who wanted to show me how pretty Dante had braided her hair.

 

“It´s beautiful, just like you.” I assured her, pressing a kiss to her hair before I turned towards the couple sitting opposite of me.

“So you´re my sister´s man?”

 

“So you´re the woman of my best friend?” He retaliated without missing a beat, a mischievous grin on his face. I narrowed my eyes at him.

 

“Touché.” Starting to laugh, Jeff stretched out his hand and I took it, finding that the pressure he exerted was acceptable. Nobody liked a wimp, my father surely did not. “Nice to meet you.”

 

"Nice to meet you too, future auntie." The way he looked at Harper immediately put all my worries to rest and I couldn't help the slow smile spreading on my face as I realized he knew. Harper must have told him. From the lack of surprise on Dante´s face, I concluded he knew too.

Biting my lip to prevent the smile from breaking my face, I leaned back into Dante who slung his arm around my waist, Sammy still on his lap.

Sitting here, surrounded by the man I loved, my pregnant sister and the man she loved, I realized that we were the next generation of the dauntless dynasty my father talked about. And it was obvious, it would go on for many more years.

Suddenly I couldn't wait to see my children grow up.

It was something to look forward to.

 

* * *

 

Thinking about the way, I behaved at lunch I felt bad. Sam didn’t know about their mistreatment towards me, all he saw were his old friends that were ready to welcome him back after a traumatic event. I couldn’t be angry at him for that, not after just finding him again.

 

So after bringing Sammy back to Tris with the promise to come back soon for dinner, I went onto a search for him. He was neither at home nor in the infirmary and it took me over thirty minutes to find someone that had seen him. The girl, a few years younger than I, told me she had seen him walk into an empty room a few minutes ago and even though I thought the location to be strange and that she had most likely mistaken somebody else for him, I followed her lead. After all, it was the only one I had.

 

Arriving at the empty class room, I slowly turned down the knob, listening for any noises. I heard a shuffling as if a table was pushed around and cautiously peeked inside, finding a couple locked in a tight embrace, passionately kissing.

Cursing the girl for making me walk into two dauntless getting it on, I was already pulling the door shut again when I saw a pair of sharp red nails wind through short black hair.

I froze, in denial of the scene in front of me.

 

They still hadn’t noticed my presence, shuffling around until I could clearly see both of their profiles. The door met the wall with a loud bang and they jumped away from each other just as I took a step into the room. A deep sense of betrayal surged through my chest as my gaze flitted from the green eyes of my best friend to the blue ones of…

Cat.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m back, yay! :D I managed to write a little over 40.000 for the camp, worrying if I got 1500 words written in a whole day while I normally write over 3000 words in three hours, just like now… it sucks.. :D
> 
> I hope you forgive me for the ‘plot-twist’ but Sam is just human… it was time to see he´s not the saint Lexi always made him out to be.. If he was, he wouldn’t be a realistic character..
> 
> Enough said.. :D
> 
>  
> 
> Next update is most likely undoing, which I´m excited for because it will bring the plot forward a lot..
> 
> Like always, thanks for reading & reviewing & most importantly waiting a whole month while I tortured myself with forced wordcounts.. You´re the best! :)
> 
>  


	31. Chapter 30

 

 **I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the two of them** , too shocked by the scene in front of me to think, nonetheless speak. My eyes flitted from Cat´s rad nails in his hair, to the way Sam had gripped her waist, pulling her flush against him. Just from the way they stood it was clear to me that this wasn’t the first time _this_ had happened, Sam wasn’t the type to just randomly pick out a girl, especially not after just coming home again.

My stomach knotted as I realized what this meant.

 

After all these years being friends with Sam I would have never thought he would fall for someone so vile. I knew I was biased against her, how could I not be, but seeing them together embracing tightly as if they missed each other dearly a deep sense of betrayal settled in my chest. It made me incredibly sad… and incredibly angry.

Hands fisted by my side, my nails were digging into skin as I stared at them expressionless, wiping every emotion from my face.

_Never let them see your weakness._

No dad, I won´t. Not her.

 

Sam´s gaze turned cautious when he met my eyes, guilt flitting over his face so fast I almost missed it. He let go of Cat and took a step back while she furrowed her brow, turning around. Spotting me, her eyes narrowed but her lip twitched as she raked her blood-red nails through her platinum blonde hair causing me to take a step forward before I could stop myself. Obviously, the one beating I gave her wasn’t enough.

 

“Lex…” Sam´s voice pulled me out of my haze and I slowly drew my gaze away from Cat to look at him, green eyes staring back in bewilderment. Not regarding him, I took a step into the room, away from the door.

 

“Get out.” My voice was leveled, only a slight undercurrent of anger resonating in it. Four months ago, I would have acted first and asked questions later. Now, I gave her an out with all her teeth intact. But the offer would expire in less than a minute. I seriously hoped for Cat that she would hurry up or the next time she was on her knees in front of a guy she wouldn't have to worry about grazing him with the edges, she could just take them out.

The thought that it could be my best friend made me nauseous.

Taking a step forward, I gritted my jaw. “Get. Out.”

 

Her eyebrows shot up and Cat snorted, crossing her arms over her chest, petulant. I had to close my eyes and inhale deeply to not let my itching fist fix the look on her face. Not just because I hated her but also because she was staring at Sam expectantly, anticipating that he would stand up for her, telling me that she could stay. If he did that, I couldn’t be held accountable for my actions.

 

“You really let her talk to me like this?” She asked, but her expectant expression was crushed when he slowly shook his head, glimpsing at me.  Sam knew my father, and when _he_ got this quiet, almost calm, you better run. Something in my expression had him knew to treat cautious, he just lightly shook his head and laid his hand on her back, giving her a gentle push towards the door.

 

“Later.”

 

His reassurance fell on deaf ears with Cat, she shot him an incredulous and me a disgusted look before she flicked her hair over the shoulder and marched out the door. But not before proving her point, slamming her shoulder into mine. Having anticipated the move, the only thing she did not manage to move me which gave me a sliver of the satisfaction I yearned for.

 

The door slammed shut with a resonating thumb, leaving the two of us frozen in utter silence. Not being able to bear and look at my best friend, my gaze was glued to the wall, following the grain with my eyes. Anything to distract myself from my anger, to not blow up on the one person who would have died for me. Who almost did.

Or did he? Did I lose my best friend the day he was injected the memory serum and I dragged away, the version I got back him in every aspect except his personality?

 

No, that wasn't it... Sam had always liked the others and I tagged along. He was there to protect me from their harsh words because I was sure even back then they talked about me behind my back. The daughter of dauntless most prestigious leader that hid behind a guy. The sheltered one, never as perfect as her older sister or talented like her older brother. The one they all thought would deflect, maybe become a stiff or a tree-hugger.

No, Sam hadn’t changed – I did.

It was almost humorous, realizing that if one of us died inside, it was me. Yeah, it almost made me laugh.

 

“Lexi…” His voice was hesitant, inquiring while being careful not to set me off. But he didn’t know that I was in full control of my anger for the first time, like a beast tamed in my chest ready to destroy everything in its wake if I only gave it the power to. Not turning to look at him, I made up my mind to go on and solve it like an adult would, without hitting anything, or anyone... After, a trip to the training room would be in order.

 

Flexing my jaw, I stayed stoic. “What?”

 

“Please look at me…” Sam pleaded, his voice bordering on desperation while he begged me to reveal him my real feelings, having been the only one for a long time that could read me like an open book. But when I finally did, slowly turning my head to meet his emerald green eyes, he flinched back as if I had scorched him.

 

Keeping my face emotionless, I tilted my head scrutinizing the young man in front of me like he had wanted me to. But now that I did, Sam was trying hard to stay composed, to not fidget, the jerk of a finger or the slight twitch on his eye giving him away. He was as wary of the outcome as I was feeling betrayed, and I was ready to let him squirm until he told me the truth about his relationship with the most wretched person in the compound. 

“Lex, look I –”

 

“How long?” I interrupted, not interested in any evasiveness even though I feared to know the answer already.

 

“Look, Cat and I, we…" Struggling for words, Sam pulled his shoulder up in a subconscious effort to protect himself while I straightened up, drilling my gaze into him, not able to fully keep the venom from my voice.

 

“How long have you been fucking her?”

 

“I… We- we really… haven´t.” Sam spluttered, shocked by my abrasive words. The fourteen-year-old girl cowering behind his back, dreaming to fit in one day would have rather washed her mouth with soap than to speak such words.

When I didn’t reply, he sighed defeated, hanging his head low. “A few weeks before it happened…”

 

“So, all the time,” I had to avert my eyes to the ceiling, a sarcastic smile pulling on my lips while my voice was forcefully low. “ _all the time_ you bitched about Freddy and how about he _wasn’t good enough for me_ you were making out with Cat in abandoned hallways? _Are you fucking kidding me?_ ” A bitter laugh escaped my throat and I could do nothing but shake my head at him. The whole ordeal was so absurd that I expected to wake up any second now from one of my horrid nightmares. I would take those over the reality now without question. At least then I wouldn’t discover that my best friend, the one I had known since the day I was born was caught up in the claws of Satan´s bitch.

 

Narrowing his eyes at me, Sam´s face was scrunched up in agitation. “You don´t even know her. Cat really can be nice, you just have to make an effo–”

 

“Well, you didn’t know Freddy either but were quick to decide that I was too appalling to ever have a real chance with him. He could be _nice_ , too.” The innuendo wasn’t lost on him.

 

"For fuck's sake!" He finally exploded, raking his hand through his hair. "I was just trying to protect you! He would have broken your heart without giving two shits about you! You would have never gotten over it!"

 

Chuckling to myself, I felt a sliver of insanity rake through my body making me say things I may regret later. But Sam had to know that I wasn’t that helpless little girl anymore, haven’t been for a long time.

“Oh, yeah. I get it.” I told him, keeping my tone light. “Because a fourteen-year-old getting heartbroken over a guy is so much worse than getting raped.” My words were striking him hard, he took a staggering step backward, while I went one better. “And pregnant, hiding it from her father who would have insisted on killing it. Yeah… I´m _so_ weak.”

 

Sam´s face contorted in agony and as he let out a shuttering breath, I had to look away because speaking these words pained me as much as it hurt him hearing it. Inhaling deeply, I spoke up before he could, not giving him the chance to shatter me while taking a few steps backward.

"I want nothing to do with her or any of her friends. I´m not going to make you chose, Sam. I could never do that to you. But I won´t stick around watching her manipulate you."

 

Slowly shaking my head, I turned to open the door, the urge to get away before I could say something that would damage our relationship even more, all-consuming.

“I´m sorry…”

 

With that, I was out the door and halfway down the hallway before it could fall shut behind me. I planned on making my way towards the small training room to pummel a bag in peace, get rid of this pent-up frustration but at the end of the corridor Satan's bitch was waiting, leaning against the wall, arms crossed to accentuate her décolleté even more.

Cat looked up from the floor and a smirk spread over her face that instantly transformed any sadness into fury.

 

Stopping right in front of her, my eyes drilling into hers I made sure she understood the words coming from me because I had every intention of keeping them even though I couldn't stand him right now.

"You hurt him and I will personally dispose of your body in the chasm after you die in the most excruciating way."

 

“Really?” She laughed, rolling her eyes. “How would you do that.”

 

Taking a step closer, the genuine smile on my face had a flicker of fear flash through her eyes, almost too fast to comprehend. I didn't have to speak up to bring meaning to my words, they were powerful enough. "After I come in first, I will be offered a leadership position. With my father, brother, and cousin leading beside me, no one would ever dare question me." I saw the realization cross her face but Cat had masked her reactions, refusing to show another sign of weakness. "So, watch your back."

 

I was almost around the corner when I heard her call after me. “I´ll let Sam do that for me!”

 

Clenching my hands tightly, I widened my steps. If I gave in now and went back to pummel her face, Sam wouldn’t talk to me for weeks. He had always done that, instead of confrontation he gave me the silent treatment until he felt I had redeemed myself enough that we could talk it out – or I had begged enough that he gave in to me.

Looking back, I couldn’t believe I had ever been that soft, that weak. A bleeding heart running through world history, begging for someone to come and hurt me.

And they had.

Shattered me into a thousand fragments before leaving me behind to pick myself up again. Not like a phoenix rising from the ashes but like your favorite mug that fell off the sink and was glued back together because you couldn’t stand to throw it into the trash. The cracks would be visible to every guest coming into the kitchen but as long as it would hold the liquid it served its purpose – not pretty but functional. Just how I felt.

 

Throwing the door to the small training room open, that only contained one mat, three punching bags and a few weights stacked in the corner, I was glad to have chosen this one. There were no cameras in here, simply for the reason that the guys in the control room decided they had enough of watching horny members getting it on, just because it was a secluded spot with padding to lie down on. Stripping off my hoodie, I eyed the mat in the middle, happy that it had been cleaned recently, like the sheet on the door said. Otherwise, I wouldn't touch it with pincers.

For someone disgusted by body fluids, this faction must be hell.

 

I focused on the punching bag in front of me, inhaling deeply and threw my arm forwards, hitting it with all my power. The dull throbbing in my hand was instant satisfaction, an addiction fueled by the adrenaline coursing through my veins as I took aim for the next hit, my tank top not restricting my movements in any kind.

Even though I felt the sweet pain, the ache of my body protesting against hurting itself, it did not stop my thoughts from running in circles, round and round until I felt like they were screaming at me, demanding to be hurt.

 

Things I didn’t want to think about, vile things that my conscious self would be ashamed of. But my subconscious hissed them like a snake, bringing them to the forefront of my mind until I was waging a war against myself.

 

 _It was all his fault._ No, it wasn´t! _If he hadn’t said these things about you, you wouldn’t have run away. You would have gone home and everything would have been okay._

They would have found a way! _But your father would have been there to protect you. All this time blaming yourself while he should have. Paying the price for his mistake. You should make him pay…_

**Shut up!**

 

Lifting my leg in the air, I put every last strength into my kick, sending the back spiraling widely while the momentum had me stumble backward, almost making me fall to the floor. My breathing was ragged and the sole of my right foot sore as I turned around only to find Dante leaning against the wall, arms crossed, expression thoughtful. I had no idea how long he had watched me, having missed the door opening and closing again over my inner monologue. Concluding from his posture, he must have seen enough.   
Stemming my hands into my hips, I angled away from him, the only sound heard over my pants was the creaking of the violently swinging bag.

 

“I thought I had seen you striding through the compound.” He remarked, his teasing words tinged with caution.

 

“Yeah.” Was all I answered, brushing away the stray hairs that stuck to my sweaty skin. I didn’t even have to look to see him narrow his eyes, analyzing the situation like he always did. For once, I didn’t want him to. The confrontation had shaken me up enough already and the last thing I wanted was to make him the scapegoat for something he had nothing to do with.

 

“What happened between taking Sammy home and coming here?” When I didn’t answer, Dante took a step forward. “Lexi, talk to me?”

 

“What do you want to know?” I asked a little too sharply and fixed him with a piercing look, confirming his suspicion that something was wrong.

 

“The truth.” His reply was calm as always, and it infuriated me to no end. Save from the outburst in the infirmary he was always so calm and collected, something I was deeply envious of. Suddenly getting reaction out of him became dangerously tempting.

 

“Ohhh, the truth. Let´s see…” My lips pulled into a sickly sweet smile, I averted my eyes to the ceiling, pretending to think. “I just found my best friend, who always preached about the partners I chose making out with Cat - who is, of that, I´m deeply convinced, Satan´s whore. But no, I´m perfectly fine. _Peachy_ , to be honest.”

 

Unimpressed, Dante raised one eyebrow at me. “Peachy… _Really?_ ”

 

“Well, what do you want me to say?” He sighed, coming closer with his hands stretched out in a comforting way, his voice soft.

 

“I want you to tell me what exactly the problem is.”

 

I stared at him for a moment before huffing. “The problem is that she made my life hell! She is the reason every single one of my peers was convinced that I killed Sam, Dante!

She turned every single one of them against me, even one of my oldest friends, his cousin… and maybe even his sister. Aurora had been the last real friend I had and even though I thought it was better this way, she hasn’t talked to me in over three _years_.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat, hating that old wounds were being ripped open.

“But as if that wasn’t enough, my best friend who made me feel like shit for liking a guy he hated never even bothered telling me he was seeing someone I couldn’t stand!”

 

“And now you´re here, beating a punching bag until your knuckles split open? That´s your solution?” Dante´s disapproving gave fell onto the back of my hand that was raw and in the process of turning purple. “Instead of trying to calm down and talk this out, you beat an inanimate object senseless? That won´t help you.”

 

“For fuck´s sake!” I exploded, giving in to his edging me on I turned from the bag to throw my hands in the air, piercing him with my heated gaze. “You wanna know what would help? You can either fight or fuck me… or you can leave because right now I can´t deal with that mediator shit you´re trying to pull! I don´t need you to psychoanalyze me, I get enough of this from my dad!”

 

“So, I´m allowed to agree to your opinion, or don´t have one at all?” Staring at me through his all-knowing eyes, Dante shrugged his shoulders. Fine.”

 

With one swift movement, he pulled the shirt over his head and stared at me challenging, while the sight of his abs was somehow distracting. I was confused what option he had chosen until he out of his shoes and took a stance on the lone mat in the middle of the room. Stunned, it took me a moment to react but then I imitated him, my blood starting to pump faster through my veins.

Excitement.

 

Facing an opponent, I had not yet seen fighting, what I realized to my surprise. I had seen every part of him, knew him from the inside out but yet, I knew nothing of his technique, whereas he knew basically every move I was capable of. After all, that was his job.

A few things I was sure of: Dante wouldn’t rely solely on his strength, he was on the lighter side of the weight spectrum of dauntless men despite consisting only of muscles. He was scarily smart and perceptive, so no rash movements, never being the first to strike. Instead, he would wait until I made mine before –

 

A fist flying straight at my face pulled me from my analyses and I moved away at the last possible second, staring at my instructor in shock. I only earned myself a sly grin before he moved in again, this time aiming at my stomach. Grabbing his arm, I swiveled to the side, using his momentum against him to get to the opposite side of the mat.

Gathering my wits that were ruffled from his surprise attack, my eyes were glued to him, searching for a sign that he would come at me. But Dante lazily got back in position, knowing he had lost the moment of surprise.

 

The knowledge that he could have taken me out not even seconds into the fight urged me on and I propelled myself forward but instead of aiming at his stomach or chest, I let myself fall back to slide under his arms, planting my fist against his knee cap.

Dante let out a small hiss and almost went down. Being behind him, I was at an advantage and aimed my whole weight at his knee bend to bring him down but he was too fast. Instead of bringing him down, I toppled over. Saving myself with a roll, I jumped up having lost him from my sight.

My heart skipped a beat when I realized he wasn’t in front of me and I jumped around, the fist that had been aimed at my back instead meeting my shoulder.

 

It hurt, no doubt it did; I could already feel the bruise forming but I knew he could do much worse. Aiming at my chest would wind me out while a well-placed punch to my face would knock me straight out, which he was aware of. He promised me a fight and I´d be damned if I wasted this opportunity to show him what I was made of; his evasiveness was frustrating.

 

The next punch Dante threw at me was easily brushed aside with an upward movement of my elbow, the ache it caused so familiar that I almost didn’t feel it anymore. Retaliating, I planted my fist in his guts. Dante grunted, abs flexing visibly. The only sign of the impending attack was the challenging glint in his eyes.

 

He moved fast, striking like a snake and even though I struggled to hold my own against him without getting pummeled, the anticipation rising in my guts with every blow we exchanged only heightened my senses, my skin prickling.

I let my arm fly forward in the expectation that Dante would block it like he had done with almost every single one since we had started but to my astonishment, he let it make contact, huffing as it met his ribcage. Using my momentary confusion, he pulled me into him, whirling me around so my back was pressed against his chest that was heaving violently. My arms restrained by his hands, I found myself trapped in his embrace, not even able to ram my elbow into his sides.

I didn’t have to turn around to know that Dante was smiling, already sure of his victory. But he hadn’t seen all of my moves yet. After all, Amar had been a highly unconventional teacher.

 

Bringing my knees up to my chest, Dante tightened his grip but there was nothing he could do as I threw myself forwards with all my strength, sending him crashing over my shoulder.

 

“ _What the fuck?!_ ” While he tried to get his bearings, I moved forwards and slung my legs over his shoulders from behind, letting myself fall back. His hands flew up to my thighs as he tried to keep the pressure off his neck but it was only a matter of time before he would either tap or pass out. My grip tightened automatically when he tried getting up, raising my body a few inches from the floor before he slumped back, his shoulders pushing against my upper thighs.

Confident that I would win this round, I took it as struggles to escape when Dante planted his feet on the ground and pushed his lower half up.

What I didn’t expect was him rolling backward, forcing my thighs open, breaking my hold.

 

I flinched, his knees landing to both sides of my head and suddenly my hands were held in one of his. Smirking down at me, Dante´s face was red from the exertion and the lack of air but he wasn't fazed in the slightest. His grip firm, he held my hands as he flipped me around and pulled my hips back against his front, leaning forwards, draping himself over me. A sharp spike of arousal hit me as I felt his hardness press against me.

 

I realized what he was about to do a second before he harshly tugged my leggings down and buried himself inside me with one hard thrust that had my back arching in bliss. Not giving me a second to adjust, Dante pulled back, his fingers buried in the flesh of my thigh pulling me against him, his other hand wandering further coming to rest on the base of my throat. He was relying solely on me to keep him up and my arms were shaking with the effort. Eyes closing in bliss as he simultaneously rolled his hips in the most delicious way and his breath ghosted over the skin of my neck, teeth scraping my earlobe. 

Dante did not hold back, giving me everything I could ever wish for and more, his powerful thrusts violently dragging me up the slope just to throw me in the deep end. I instantly knew that it would be an intense one.

 

When he hit that spot inside me, my arms gave out and I flexed around his length, Dante´s hand tightening around my neck, pulling my head back. His cheek pressed into mine, stubbles grazing against skin as he breathed into my ear. “Give it to me. Now!”

 

My back arched, clenching down on him violently. But Dante was relentless, only thrusting into me even harder. Eyes rolling back, I felt my body starting to shake as pure bliss exploded, sending sharp spikes down my spine.

He was still thrusting with ever-growing need, raking aftershocks through my body whenever he hit an especially sensitive part and finally spilled inside of me with a low groan before he slumped onto me, the two of us lying heavily breathing on the mats.

Careful not to squish me, Dante rolled over and pulled me into him, pressing a lingering kiss against my forehead.

“God, I love you.”

 

“Love you, too…” I murmured into his chest, my eyes dropping low. I knew he could feel my smile against his skin as something became shockingly clear to me.

 

Dante was my potter. He had taken the broken mug and made it into something beautiful again, a mosaic where every piece had its place, its purpose to be displayed and admired by everyone who comes across it.

 

His fingers ghosted over my ribcage, where the symbol of my devotion towards him was ingrained forever, only for the two of us to see, to admire, to remind ourselves of the promise of our union.

 

_The love that moves the sun and all the other stars_

 

Nothing had ever been so true.

.

.

.

 

It was cold on the roof so late at night with my wet hair pulled up into a bun but I had felt restless cooped up in Dante´s flat after the sim training. Today I had faced my fourth fear, one that had rattled me to the core and despite knowing it hadn’t been true, seeing my daughter lie in a pool of her own blood had been excruciatingly painful.

The image ran through my head on repeat and I knew I needed something to take the edge of the anxiety running through my veins, so I came here, far away from prying eyes.

 

It didn’t help that I hadn’t talked to Sam in over three days, not being able to help the feeling of betrayal that swirled through my gut. I knew _he_ had no idea who Cat really was but despite trying my hardest, there still was that resentment, the belief that all of our suffering could have been prevented if we behaved differently that day. Or maybe not.

Maybe Edgar, whose trial was set to be in the morning for which I wasn’t allowed to sit in since I hadn’t completed initiation yet. Bullshit if you asked me but the fucking Candor were strict on their rules.

 

Staring at the skyline only illuminated by the silvery glow of the moon I took another drag from my cigarette, feeling the nicotine cloud my brain. It was a bad habit I blamed entirely on my father. After all, he could be found on the balcony inhaling the toxic smoke to calm himself after almost every family function that included my uncle and therefore lots of arguing.

I knew Dante would disapprove and scrunch up his nose when he would smell it like the few times it already happened but since it was neither alcohol nor drugs he let me be, quietly disapproving with the emphasize on quiet. Which didn’t mean his unyielding stare wasn’t annoying, it was. But there was nothing a well-thrown pillow wouldn’t fix.

 

The door creaking behind me alerted me that I had company, but I tapped off the ash without turning around. I already knew who he was. Sitting down beside me, I could feel Sam´s gaze on my face but did nothing more than to glance at him from the corner of my eye.

He was quiet while I took another drag, feeling my lungs expand, taking in the smoke. When I exhaled, eyes trailing after the white smoke he cleared his throat.

 

“I talked to Dante…” Sam admitted quietly, following my line of sight to the HQ of Erudite that even after lights out still shone bright like a torch in the night. Those fuckers wasted too much energy staring through microscopes all day. I knew almost nothing about what Dante had gone through there before deflecting but what I knew of only fueled my hatred towards them.

 

“Really?” I asked without looking up, already having anticipated that Dante would do something like this. For days he had urged me to go talk to him, seeing how it occupied my mind.

 

“Yes… he told me some things.” My eyes flitted towards him and I raised my eyebrows at his subdued tone. Sam was facing me, his expression bordering on torture. I knew what he would say before it left his mouth. “Lexi, I had no idea… I always thought she was nice. I mean she _was_ nice… I would have never –”

 

Suddenly, I felt bad. Selfish. I couldn’t help but let his words soften my hardened feelings, knowing this was all I had wanted to hear.

“It´s alright. You couldn’t have known.”

 

“But I should have! Or at least told you… If I had, then maybe nothing of this would have happened…” I understood where he came from, after all, it was exactly how I was feeling. But now, having him in front of me I couldn't bring myself to outright tell him, so I decided to be vague.

 

“Maybe…” While I was watching the city, he was watching me, searching for any clue that would tell him what I was feeling. If I really wasn’t angry anymore, which I could admit now, I wasn’t. Hearing him admit that he was in the wrong had been all I wanted.

 

We sat in silence before Sam sighed heavily, his tone almost pleading. “Talk to me…”

 

“Was is there to say?” I asked, pushing the burnt-out cigarette bud into the gravel before I looked at him, cocking my eyebrow.

 

“What´s on your mind?” Giving me a half-smile, Sam prodded gently, trying to get me to talk like he always used to. Forcing me wouldn’t do any good and he knew that.  


I sighed, searching for the right words but they seemed to evade me. “Nothing…”

 

He nodded in understanding and turned his head away but I had already seen the slight disappointment. Guilt coursing through my veins, I relented, telling him what I had been musing about before he came up here.

 

“You know… sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant with Sammy. Not that I don´t love her to pieces, I do… but everything would be so much easier.” I said it. But I wasn’t sure if it made me feel better or worse.

 

“Because you wouldn’t be a mom?” Sam asked gently, his tone understanding but I laughed out. He was wrong

 

“Because I would be dead.”

 

“What the hell?!” Swiveling around, his hard stare drilled into my skull, burning with intensity when I met it with my expressionless one. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

 

“You don´t think I would have gone through all this shit if I could have chosen, right?” I chuckled humorlessly. “I would have taken the ‘brave’ way out, maybe the chasm or a few pills… Without you but with all these memories running around in my head, not even granting me the mercy of closing my eyes and falling into a peaceful sleep at night my life wasn’t worth living. It wasn’t even life anymore, just a bland existence that entailed nothing but pain. You can´t tell me, suicide isn’t a consequential solution for that.” Shrugging my shoulders, I cocked my head. “Nothing better against an unwanted existence than death, right?”

 

But when I turned my head, I realized that Sam didn’t seem to share my sentiment. His jaw gritted, he glared at me with an intensity I hadn’t seen on him yet. Especially when he grabbed my arms in a vice-like grip that would leave bruises

 

 

“Don´t ever say that again, you hear me?! Promise me!” He hissed, his eyes burning in anger. All I could do was stare at him flabbergasted, not having anticipated his reaction. From my point of view, it had been overblown, after all, he wanted to know what I was thinking about and I told him. His grip on my chin tightened when I rolled my eyes, his voice cutting. “ _Promise me!_ ”

 

“ _Alright!_ ” I called out, pushing him away. “Fine, I promise.” Scowling, I rubbed my aching jaw, sending him a small glare. But Sam didn’t see it, having turned away, taking deep breaths to calm himself down, his eyes closed. “Calm down. If you didn’t want to know you shouldn’t have asked.”

 

“I know…” He gritted out, turning towards me with a pained expression. “It´s just… I can´t stand seeing you like that. You´ve always been so happy and now you´re so… intense.” Averting his eyes to the sky, his expression was troubled. “You have been my best friend for eighteen years and I love you. I don´t want anything to come in between us, especially something so trivial like Cat…”

 

“You finally realized that she´s not that great, huh?” I asked, not able to suppress my smirk fully. Sam narrowed his eyes, not missing the tiny spark of glee in my voice.

 

“Dante told me a few things…” He scrunched up his nose in disgust. “I guess she really has changed.”

 

“Well, at least now I know why she hated me that much. She´s into you and thought I killed you.” Rolling my eyes, I couldn’t help but snort at him. “You´re an idiot, you know that?”

 

“I know, sorry.” Seeing the small grin spreading on his face, I knew exactly what I had been missing the last four years. Shaking my head, I laughed lightly before sliding over, leaning against him.

With my head on his shoulder, we stared into the night and for the first time in almost four years, I felt content. As if happiness was finally possible now that the demons of my past had been battled. Not defeated yet but we were definitely on the right track.

As if my time paying the price for other people´s mistakes was finally over.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first I have to apologize for taking literally forever to write this… I´ve been having a serious case of writer's block & a lot of other shit to handle.. I got my acceptance letter for another university so now I have to switch, completely changed my room and watched two weeks of late night trash TV that took lots of my writing time… I´m sorry for that :D 
> 
> I know this isn’t the first time I wrote about serious issues but never really open about suicide. Lexi may have thought there was no other way out but seeing how far she has come I´m sure we can all say there is one :)
> 
> So, if you need anything you can always come to me :)
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, reviewing & especially for waiting so long!
> 
> Anna xx
> 
>  


	32. Chapter 31

**The trials lasted over a week.**

Not because they argued about Edgar´s guilt, that had been established the first day with the help of the truth serum. But his confession, along with the traces of memory serum found in Sam´s blood disclosed the involvement of Erudite – or to be exact, the highest members of the faction.

Because instead of the memory serum that had been stolen from Marcus Eaton, he had been injected with an altered version containing fragments of our simulation serum. A mixture that both made him forget and more compliant to their orders at once, but lessened the effect it had overall. That paired with his divergence made it possible for his body to develop antibodies conquering its effects, allowing Sam to ultimately remember everything.

Of course, Erudite denied everything.

 

But my father, hard-headed as he is, along with Dante who was temporarily replaced by Amar as instructor, managed to not only expose that Jeanine Matthews worked alongside the factionless to satisfy her unquenchable thirst for knowledge about divergence and ways to control them but also the methods they used on their own as soon as they had proof that they were divergents.

In fact, they had a whole room filled with files dedicated to their experiments that had been prohibited by law years ago. They just didn’t care.

 

That evening after they discovered the document room, Dante came home and locked himself inside the bedroom with a file, that I later found out described in minuscule details everything the scientists did to him – with approval of his parents.

He didn’t let me read it, not that I even wanted to, and I understood. Knowing of atrocities and reliving them, whether it be through simulations or reports, were two vastly different things. If I could have chosen, I would have liked to tell them to Dante, rather than having him see them too but now that it was done, I awfully, selfishly was relieved.

That I only had to listen to them, a conversation that barely scraped the surface of unimaginable pain, while Dante was forced to witness every single one of the worst moments in my life.

But he stayed, became my rock when I thought I had no one, loved me and put me back together piece for piece. So, when the time came for him to bare his soul to me, I tried the same.

 

 His back turned to me, Dante sat on his side of the bed, staring at the wall. His voice was grave, emotionless as he recounted how the aptitude test veiled as a simple examination turned his life around with only seven years of age.

What followed were years of agony, of unnecessary pain as they tried to cure what was no illness but simply part of what we are of human beings: uniqueness, the ability to adapt to our surroundings and the progress of the human race.

What they don´t understand, never have and most likely never will, is that the exact thing they declared war on is what makes us humans: our nature.

 

The idea that everything inartificial is savage, beneath their standards could be the single one biggest mistake of all erudite, the thought that they could somehow be better by denying their nature and therefore trying to change it made them to monsters, not some kind of superhumans. And what monsters they became.

Parents that denied their instincts to protect their own flesh till their own death, used an ill-guided ideology to hurt an innocent child that couldn’t help its own nature. As if they were better than him. As if they, with all their knowledge didn’t understand that we are all just a sequence of base pairs that were responsible for decoding everything that we were. Or not?

 

Staring at him through blurry eyes, I asked myself how much of Dante´s understanding was a result of his genetic information and how much he had to live through until he could finally find his own way. What promises he made himself, to not be like his father, to not love a woman as cold as his mother, to defend his children until he drew his last breath. Or not just his children.

Maybe coming here wasn’t just his way of escaping but also an attempt at keeping people save – in his very own way.

 

Listening to him recounting his mother scolding him for making a fuss after waking up from a narcosis that was necessary to draw cerebrospinal fluid, I couldn’t help but comparing it to my own experience, being tied to a chair, needles entering my skin, the sharp pain of steel just a foretaste of what was to come. Not seldom, the mental torment was worse than the physical because there you couldn’t hide in the deepest corner of your mind – you were already there.

 

So, what were four months of torture against a lifetime of pain? How could he get up the next morning, after reliving his worst nightmare without anyone´s help, throw me a shy smile, kissed my head and leave the apartment to face his demons head-on while it had taken me over four years and his love to feel anything except indescribable anger and the urge to burn this whole fucking city down?

I had no idea but what I started to realize was, that I wasn´t the only one that had paid the price for their parent’s mistakes.

And now, it was their time to pay.

 

The trials had lasted exactly nine days.

Nine days of long nights for Dante, my father, and their whole team, gathering evidence and arresting suspects to bring them to Candor for questioning while initiation was rapidly heading for the finish line, Amar not just testing our limits in the sim rooms but also in the gym in two separate groups. His explanation, that the physical training would keep our heads straight in the chaos ensuing around us. Unlike the others, I welcomed the rigorous workouts, working myself until exhaustion to avoid lying in bed at night, unable to sleep as I waited for the key to turn in the lock, announcing Dante´s arrival.

To no prevail.

 

But today was different.

Because instead of heading for our afternoon training session following the sims, our emergency speaker system started beeping, ordering every single dauntless that wasn’t on patrol into the pit.

Judgement day had come.

 

Coming from the bathroom where I had splashed my face, I followed the other members that were getting more and more the closer we were, until the hallway opened up before us. And like ants, people clad in black were pouring into the already full space around the middle of the pit. Squeezing myself through openings between the people in front of me, I came to a halt as soon as I could spot my father in the centrum on what looked like a raised platform, towering of the faction that was completely under his thumb, the ruler of his own, personal kingdom. There was no trace left of his earlier injury, not even a slight limp which would have been normal after getting shot in the abdomen. No, my father stood unmoving as always.

To his right, I got a glimpse of my brother, my cousin to his left. And to my astonishment Dante right between them, standing tall as if this was right where he belonged. Slight suspicion inside me rose and I asked myself if my father had maybe, strangely, taken a liking to him.

The feeling was only intensified when my father turned around and nodded to him, a silent signal that was complied swiftly as Dante dis- and reappeared quickly, his hand closed around the arm of a hooded man that he forced to kneel in front of his feet.

I knew instantly who _he_ was.

 

Everyone knew, even before the lifted the hood, revealing a slightly battered looking Edgar that was squinting into the sunlight that was falling through the glass roof of the pit. It was obvious someone had roughed him up a little beforehand, his lips swollen, cuts above his eyebrow and a black eye. I was convinced that at least one of the men standing beside him must have had bruised knuckles – if not all of them. Edgar stayed unfazed through all the bustle, lazily grinning into the crowd until Theo moved forward and shoved him his boot between the ribs. But not even the pain could wipe away all the smugness he felt. Edgar knew, like all of us, which fate he would suffer, but maybe insanity did that to people. Not being afraid of death I mean.

Pulling my gaze away from him, it landed on the man in front, the dark blonde hair slowly turning grey but not taking away any of the lethal air around him. He wasn´t old, not at all, but dangerous like a silverback fighting to defend his home.

Standing tall, unmoving like a rock amidst the ocean, my father let his gaze wander over the crowd before and around him, hands clasped behind his back before he started to speak.

 

“We have come together on this day to let justice prevail because _We believe that justice is more important than peace,_ ” His voice, clear and strong, echoed through the pit, his eloquent usual of the manifesto meant to enrapture everyone´s attention from the beginning on. And from what I could see, it worked. “ _We believe that sometimes it is necessary to fight for peace,_ to protect and _defend_ our own, especially _those who cannot defend themselves! We believe in shouting for those who can only whisper, that pain and death are better than cowardice and inaction because **We believe** in action!_

BUT – ”

Raising his hand in the air to silence the members loudly agreeing, his expression turned if possible even more serious.

 

“We **do not** believe in unnecessary violence, comfortable lives,” He shot Edgar deeply disgusted glare, the corner of his mouth pulled down as he spit his next words at him. "or standing idly by while filth is threatening the lives of our weakest, but nonetheless most treasured members – our children."  If you didn't know him well, you would have missed the minuscule softening of his face, his head turned to look at, where I presumed my mother was.

"Every single one of us knows, that significantly fewer children are born here than in the other factions. Our women are warriors, brave no less than our men, and it can be almost impossible to be a soldier and a parent at once.

But that doesn´t mean we don´t value our children most,” Dad shook his head. “quite the contrary. Those daredevils, driving the teacher´s insane and breaking arms trying to climb up the pit – they are the future of this, _of our_ faction. Without them, and the brave initiates that were not raised this way but chose to let everything behind to become a part of our ranks, we would be nothing.”

Straightening up even further, my father gazed at the man to his feet before our eyes met for a brief moment, conveying the illusion that he was speaking directly to me.

“So, not just to lay a hand on one of our own, but on those we swore to protect with our lives demands after the greatest of all punishments: Death.”

As the crowd started roaring another time, pumping their fists in the air his voice rose to the same level, instead of calming them down, firing them up even more.

“He will pay for what he did to our children! No one harms one of us and gets away with it! It is time he is going to pay for his crimes!”

 

Standing amidst the thundering mass of dauntless, bodies bumping into mine as they demanded his price, I felt like a pebble, being whirled around by house high waves, frozen, stiff, while they raged and thundered, cheering on what should have been _my moment_. The very moment I had wished for a thousand times but now that it was here… all I felt was emptiness. It was shocking, life-altering revelation: the realization that there was no rage left in me, no hate, no _desire_ to see Edgar burn, too bring him as much pain as he brought me before his brain would be scattered on the platform.

But wasn´t this what I had wanted ever since escaping his clutches? To kill him myself?

 

If Dante hadn´t stopped me, I would have killed him not even that long ago, without a doubt, I had already pulled the trigger. The total lack of any desire to see him bleed, to have his body sprawled out to my feet as life was leaving his eyes left me shell-shocked. So as the black mass surrounding me, bumped into my body, shoving me around and into other people, I was too dazed to notice, struggling with my feelings.

I would much rather have a quiet evening with Dante and Sammy, watching one of those stupid kids’ movies again that she loves. Well… I do too.

Like most of the time these last weeks, a strange feeling wormed itself inside my chest, a sense of calmness washing over me. But it was almost immediately replaced by shock, as I was hit by another realization as if it was a sledgehammer.

 

Right now, I was… okay. Maybe not yet fine, not always happy, but who really is? Happiness is such a fleeting feeling, running after it would be like trying to catch smoke with bare hands. But I was... content. Not caring if he died now, or rotted away under thousands upon thousands of pounds of stone between us. As long as I didn’t have to see him other than in my nightmares and it was assured he would never harm another person, I just didn’t care.

I just didn´t… I didn´t…

 

“And he will pay!” With one raised hand the crowd was almost quiet again, my father playing on their emotions like a fiddler the strings. I was still staring at my feet, overwhelmed by these strange feelings when it happened.

“Lexi.”

 

Head snapping up, blue eyes met grey that were staring expectantly, beckoning me up to him, while the whole pit seemed to hold their breaths. Perplexed, I only realized what he wanted when all the members parted in front of me, like a dividing sea, making a way for me to the raised platform in the middle of the pit that had been built specially for this moment.

Bright wood that would be stained red in just a few minutes.

A stage, to display the punishment to the whole faction, to remind them to never cross our family, our faction.

To never underestimate what we were capable of if someone harmed the ones we loved.

 

Eyes glued to my father beckoning me forward, I squared my shoulders, suppressing the anxiousness rising in my chest, and walked towards the platform, doing my best to block out the feeling of thousands of eyes following my every movement, looking for any signs of weakness, cowardliness. This time, I knew they wouldn´t find any.

It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop as my boots finally landed on the first step with a loud thump, that echoed through the stonewalls.

 

Making my way up the three steps, each step seemingly louder than the one before, I came to a halt in front of my father and brother, alongside the leaders facing the man that was awaiting his faith.

The customary three guns, only one loaded with a single bullet, lay on the table beside it.

Spun around, it was impossible to tell which one of the three leaders pulling the trigger would be the one to actually shoot him, to end the man that rattled the very foundations of who I used to be. But he was not responsible for who I had become, the person I was today.

No, not at all.

That man was standing to the side, his familiar brown eyes leaving a trail of warmth on my skin. I didn’t bring it over myself to look at him.

Especially not when my father stretched out his arm, holding out a black handgun for me to take.

 

Eyes flickering up to meet grey, expectant ones and back down again, I blinked slowly, mechanically reaching out to take it. The weight was heavy when I shifted it in my hand, almost unfamiliar now that I knew how it felt to fire it at a person, a real, living and breathing human being, how it felt to take a life. Such a powerful weapon.

It made me feel anything but, cold creeping up into my arm, leaving goosebumps in its way.

 

“Like you said, he´s yours.” Giving my father a curt nod, unable to get the words to leave my throat I turned away, taking my stance in front of the man that was mine to kill. Or was he?

 

Shifting in my stance, I checked the chamber before cocking the gun knowing that the last step was to lift my arm and fire. But instead of looking up at my uncle, I stared at the deadly weapon in my hand, trying to bring myself to pull the trigger, finding arguments, emotions inside me that would pull me from my stupor. My mind stayed empty.

 

“Come on, Lexi. Don´t bail now.” Edgar let out a raspy laugh that had my head snap up, narrowing my eyes to look at the pitiful man in front of me. From up close, he looked even worse. I was pretty sure his maxillary bone was fractured, his left eye filled with blood and judging from his breathing, at least two broken ribs. What a pitiable sight.

But even after normal people would have admitted defeat, Edgar did not think about stopping his baiting.

 

“Isn´t this what you wanted all along?” He taunted me with raspy voice, his haunting gaze never leaving mine. I knew I would never forget this sight. Him kneeling at my feet, battered and bruised, one eye filled with blood when he started manically. “Revenge for what I did to you? To your little friend?” His laughter turned into a coughing fit, blood dripping from the corner of his mouth, a crazed expression turning his once handsome face into an abstract grimace.

 _“Then do it!_ ”

 

Averting my eyes to the ceiling, I let out a quiet sarcastic chuckle, unbelievingly. Not even at his own execution could he stop trying to manipulate me. One last time, holding his power over me, trying to make me lose control. One last chance to destroy my life.

As I stared down at the gun that was so heavy in my hand, I found no desire in me to kill him myself. But after all, and foremost we were soldiers.

And soldiers follow orders.

 

Staring at what once was my living nightmare, I inhaled deeply and was just about to raise my arm when I felt a presence by my side, a hand covered mine, slowly pulling the gun from my grip. I hadn’t heard the steps descending on the stairs, nor the sound of boots on wood but when I looked up into those green eyes of his, I asked myself how I could not have realized that he´d be here too, waiting, watching.

Over me. Like he always did.

 

Holding my gaze to see if it was alright with me, Sam clicked the safety back on, before handing the gun back to my father, barely sparing him a glance. Eyes flitting over the scene before us, he subtly nodded at Dante who reciprocated his movement, sending me a fleeting smile as Sam grabbed my hand and started to lead me from the platform with one last disgusted look at the man that was slumped together. He was already dead anyway.

 

“Leaving so soon already?” Edgar´s wheezy call stopped us both but I was the only one to turn around, Sam stoically staring ahead. I just couldn´t… not.

 

Raking my eyes over him, one last time taking in the tattered clothes, bloodstains and rips, the way his expressive face was marred, head freshly shaven. The only thing about him that reminded me of my tormenter now were his eyes because there was no way in hell he could ever do to me now what he did then. He was no longer the stronger one of the two of us.

And this thought alone was almost freeing.

 

Cocking my head, I looked into his eyes one last time, a small quirk of my upper lip thrown his way as I gave him my last farewell.

“Give grandma my love, alright?”

 

We were already down the stairs, where members were parting for us when the sounds of struggle and muffled curses reached my ears alerting me that my plan had worked. Evelyn Johnson had always been Edgar's weakness – the start and ending point of his insanity. And at long last, I had the upper hand over him.

I won.

Which he knew too, a frustrated but muffled scream following us through the rows of Dauntless that had cleared a path for us, torn between following us with their eyes and not wanting to miss a second of the drama unfolding on the platform up front as they struggled to keep Edgar on his knees, kneeling to await his fate..

 

With our backs turned towards the pit, Sam´s hand in mine the gunshot rang through the air just as we stepped into the hallway, the whole pit falling quiet before erupting in triumphant cheers.

 Leaving it all behind, we did not bother to turn around as the second prisoner was brought in. The screeching of a woman, having gotten a glimpse at her own fate echoed through the vast space, while my father shouted at the roaring crowd of conspiracy and high treason, not one voice protesting, the crowd thirsting for blood now that they got the first taste of it.

Yes, Jeanine would be the next to pay for her crimes.

And we, both Sam and I, would finally be free from our demons.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It´s been another small eternity since I last posted but I have the feeling that this chapter is really significant in the big picture, especially with Lexi´s character development. She soon won´t need me anymore which makes me both sad and happy and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be. (Totally not stolen from Perks of being a wallflower, no… :D )
> 
> There are still a few chapters left, don´t worry.. but it won´t be much longer than end of initiation & a one-shot I have planned to write after a little time passed (for them, maybe for me too :D)
> 
> Soo, thank you for being patient & of course to everyone who read & reviewed!! :)
> 
>  


	33. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

 

“I still don´t think it´s a good idea.”

 

“Come on, don´t be a pansycake!”

 

"Just the thought of it makes me uncomfortable. It feels so… wrong.”

 

“Dante.” I stared at him deadpan. “Just knock on the damn door.”

 

“But what if your father answers in an apron or something like that?” He asked, face contorted in agony. “I won´t ever be able to get the image out of my mind.”

 

“It´s dinner, Dante.” I rolled my eyes. “It can´t be _that_ bad.”

 

“Yes, D, Uncle E isn´t that _bad_.” Sammy piped in from the middle, her hands holding onto ours tightly. We were still standing in the hallway, in front of my parents flat because Dante refused to knock. 

Throwing me a look that clearly stated he was doing this only because he loved me, his knuckles barely scraped the door before it was thrown open. Behind it stood my mother, smiling wide.

 

"Come on in!" Before either of us could move, Sam pulled her hand away and ran towards mom, who picked her up, twirling her around. "Sweetie." Mom laughed, making her giggle, as she stepped into the room. Glancing at Dante, who pulled a grimace, I grabbed his hand and forced him to follow me into the flat before he could change his mind. Not that he would dare, after all, it had been him that got a personal invitation from the one and only Eric Coulter, who was currently standing behind the kitchen counter.

 

It was strange how a few weeks away from home could change everything. The flat felt rather alien to me. I wasn’t used to the atmosphere being so formal.

Coming to a halt in the middle of the room, the both of us shifted around rather awkwardly, not knowing what to do. The food wasn´t ready yet, so sitting down at the table was out of question. But I had learned years ago not to interrupt my father when he was busy doing something, even if it was just cooking.

He had not yet gone back to work, Theo served as a reinstatement while dad still recovered from the three bullets he took into the chest. Looking at him now, you wouldn´t guess that not even a month ago he almost died, dad stood tall as always.

Barely nodding in greeting, he turned back around to swivel the contents of a pan.

I turned to mom.

 

"Are we the first ones yet?"

 

"Yes." She smiled at me from the corner where Sammy´s corner full of toys were. Not that she hadn´t one before they knew she was their granddaughter but it suspiciously looked as if mom raided the whole store. I counted at least seven new toys. "Harper´s going to bring that boyfriend of hers…" I glanced at Dad and spotted the scowl I had expected. “and even Theo will arrive in company.”

Her eyes twinkled while my eyebrows shot up. I crossed my arms, staring at her.

 

 

“You´re kidding me. Theo? And company?”

 

“I´m not.” Pushing herself off the floor, mom dusted off her pants. “It seems quite serious. I just…” Stopping short, she shook her head before laughing lightly. “Somehow, all three of you inherited your father´s affinity for secrets.”

 

Glancing up at Dante, who could not quite suppress his suggestive grin I felt a light blush covering my cheeks. "What can I say?" I shrugged my shoulders. "We learned from the master himself."

 

"Oh, you have no idea," Mom muttered, earning herself a quirked eyebrow from dad. "Your father has been driving me insane for the better of 25 years."

 

“Really.” Dad drawled, stopping short with slicing up peppers. He glanced up shortly, eyes twinkling before resuming his snipping. “Only in good way´s I hope.”

 

I groaned, covering my ears. “Could you like… _not do that?!_ I really don´t wanna hear any of this…” I whined, scrunching up my face. Beside me, Dante chuckled quietly, his hand resting on my hip.

 

"Not do what?" He asked with the innocence of a wolf in sheepskin. "I was under impression we´re all adults here."

 

"That still doesn't mean I want to hear about my parents getting it on!" The thought alone made me shudder, a flash of something suspiciously looking like chocolate frosting flitting through my mind.

 

Dad smirked on his spot in the kitchen, mom, on the other hand, still somewhat abnegation, blushed. “That´s quite enough. Thanks.” Her smile was resembling more a grimace but she was rescued by a knock on the door. Her relief was palpable.

Hurrying over, she opened the door to reveal Harper, her hand closed around Jeff´s. I had seen him only one other time and stopped short.

Instead of the long dirty blonde hair in a man bun, he had short hair and I immediately knew he had cut it to resemble more of what my father thought to be the perfect soldier. His smile was not as bright but still warm when Harper let go of my mother and he leaned in to shake her hand. Instead, mom pulled him into a hug. Wholly amity, he reacted immediately instead of freezing like most would have.

 

“It´s so nice of you to join us for dinner!” Mom beamed, all embarrassment forgotten.

 

“Thank you for inviting us.” He smiled, quite the gentleman. I was sure I could hear mom swoon.

She had grabbed Harper´s hands in hers when Dad decided to join in. A dish towel slung over his shoulder he came from behind the counter and gave Harper a kiss on the forehead before stretching out his hand.

 

 

“So. You must be John.”

 

“Jeff, sir.” He corrected him, gripping Dad´s hand in one of his big ones. “Pleasure to meet you.”

 

“Right.” Looking at my father, it was clear as day he was playing Jeff. There was no way he hadn´t sorted through any and every document there was of him, from his birth certificate to his rank. I would bet that he could recite every single one of his fears without blinking.

Obviously, Harper thought so too.

 

“Dad.” She narrowed her eyes at him, only making him shrug his shoulders. “Be nice.” She hissed as he made his way back to the kitchen. He barely glanced over his shoulder.

 

“Food´ll be done soon.”

 

“You heard your father. Take a seat!” Mom ushered us to the table, too excited to contain herself. I rolled my eyes at her, grabbing Harper´s hands and squeezing lightly. Dante and Jeff said their Hello´s and it wasn’t long before Sammy came to inquire the new arrivals.

Harper picked her up, quietly talking to her while Jeff listened, watching Harper with nothing but devotion. It was almost sickening if it hadn’t been so sweet. Even a blind man would have seen that would one day, meaning in less than seven months, she would make a great mother.

I took a seat beside Dante, gripping his hand in mine. Together we watched the three of them and I knew, judging from his expression that he was more than happy for his friend.

 

It wasn´t long before dad placed the food on the table, a huge roast with gravy, potatoes and several other side dishes and took a seat on the head of the table. Mom was sitting opposite, Sammy on a chair especially for kids beside her. If Theo did come with company, the number of chairs would be just right.

 

 We had just started to serve ourselves when a key rattled in the door and my brother stepped in with an apologetic smile. Stepping in behind him was none other than Ivy, her usual flowy hair pulled up into an elegant ponytail. 

“Sorry, we´re late. I was held up in the control room.”

 

Freezing with the fork halfway to my mouth, I gaped at them. Theo had grabbed Ivy´s hand, pulling her to stand beside him. I was completely blindsided, having not seen any of this coming and all I could do was stare at them. Ivy caught my gaze and blushed, looking down at the floor. Only Dante´s jab to my ribs pulled me from my shock and I lowered my arm again.

My parents had both gotten up to greet them and judging dad´s expression, he approved of her. After all, she was doing great in rankings and was the one that got the flag at the war games. The image of Theo heaving her onto his shoulders, staring up at her in admiration made so much more sense now. How could I have not known?

Classified information my ass. Ivy had known that the guards captured two factionless after the same games because he told her after doing god-knows-what.

 

“Ivy.” I could barely suppress my smirk when her head shot up, guilt written all over her face. I leaned forward, putting my chin on my folded hands. “Haven´t seen you in forever.”

 

She squinted at me. “Maybe because you´re never in the dorms.”

 

“Oh, and you are?” This time, I grinned, throwing a piece of pepper at her when she mock-glared at me, her cheeks lighting up.

 

“Shut up…” She muttered. Theo slung an arm around her waist, throwing me an accusing look. But when I raised my eyebrow at him, not averting my eyes to make clear I should be accusing him of shagging one of my best friends he looked back at dad fast.

Because there were only two opposite chairs left, Ivy took the seat beside me

 

“I can´t believe you didn´t tell me.” I muttered, throwing her a look.

 

She whisper-yelled right back. “I can´t believe _you_ didn’t tell me about Dante, either! He´s our instructor!”

 

I stared at her, cocking one eyebrow. “And Theo is the overseer of our instructor, not to mention my brother…”

 

Suddenly she seemed concerned, bowing forward.

 

“You´re not mad, are you?”

 

“Of course not.” I snorted, lightly clasping her arm. Relieved, she picked up her cup. “Better you than that chick from his home video.”

 

Ivy chocked on her drink. We both looked at each other before breaking into a fit of laughter. Receiving strange glances from everyone around the table, we hurried to get ourselves back under control. It was quite a few moments until I was able to continue cutting my meat without bursting into another fit of giggles.

 

The conversations stayed pleasant, only light topics that were discussed. Most likely, because my father ignored Jeff and focused his attention on Ivy and Dante, asking them questions about initiation and how to improve the whole process.

It was a lot nicer than I had anticipated – too nice.

 

“So, Dante,” My father spoke up, managing to silence all other conversations with two words. “I heard you requested a bigger flat.” Unbothered by all the heads snapping up, Dante chocking on his drink beside me he continued cutting his meat as if this wasn´t exactly the reaction he had anticipated. "It has a nice layout after all the units are part of the new expansion but do you really need three bedrooms?"

 

Trying to heave air into his lungs, Dante coughed. His face was turning red, redder than I had ever seen it and I got the impression, that it had not much to do with the water in his airway.

“I…” He stuttered, obviously lost for words glancing at me sideways. “I had a look at it the other day and… the flat´s in the new area of the compound are a lot bigger, better equipped… Just homier all in all.” His cheeks still a furious red, he stared at his lap. “And it´s never too early to make plans for the future.”

 

Looking up, he met my eye and I couldn´t help the fuzzy feeling rising furiously in my chest. He was planning our future – and there was nothing that could make me happier.

 I gripped his hand beneath the table, intertwining our hands. He squeezed right back, giving me a shy smile and I couldn’t help but become lost in him, pressing my cheek against his shoulder for just a moment before straightening up again.

Jeff clearing his throat pulled my gaze away from my boyfriend and towards him. It seemed as if he mentally prepared himself, Harper beside him throwing him an afraid look.

 

 

He sucked in a deep breath, straightening up. Knowing that something big was coming, dad did the same, puffing up his chest to appear bigger.

 

“If we´re already talking about family…” Hesitating for a second, Jeff pulled himself together, letting out a low breath. “Harper and I got married last night.” All heads whipped around, china bursting against the floor but apart from that, everything grew silent. He swallowed. “Because we are having a baby.”

 

With one look on Sammy, dad slowly rose from his seat, wishing his mouth with the napkin before throwing it onto the table. His eyes were narrowed at Jeff who did not dare to look away. Everyone caught their breaths, Harper´s lip starting to tremble.

 

“My office. _Now._ " He spat out and it seemed as if restraining himself brought him physical pain. Turning on his heel, he marched down the hallway and threw the door to his home office open. Jeff slowly got off his seat, trying his best to appear brave. Pressing a kiss to Harper's hair, he left the table, his face as serious as if he was about to face his own execution. From the tears pooling in Harper´s eyes and the knowledge of dad´s temper, it very well just might have been that.

We all stared after him, silence settling over the whole table when he closed the door behind him. The soft click echoed through the flat.

 

Unfreezing, I turned towards Dante with wide eyes. “Well, fuck.”

 

He only pinched his nose, shaking his head. It was obvious his best friend knew nothing of tactic, nor had he any sense of appropriateness. The whole table was enveloped by embarrassed silence, disrupted only by Harper´s quiet sobs. Mom got up to pull her into her arms and Theo got up to join them in the office, making sure dad wouldn’t kill him. Ivy stayed beside me and we exchanged gazes, knowing what the other was thinking.

It was obvious, she would fit right in here.

 

They returned fifteen minutes later my father pretending as if nothing had happened, sitting down and continuing his meal while Jeff nursing a bleeding lip.

Finishing our meal in almost silence, I decided that this had been the most bizarre dinner I had ever attended. And judging the other´s expressions, it was something we all agreed on.

 

“So,” Dad spoke up, all gazes snapping up to him. The whole table tensed, preparing for an outburst. “Who want´s pudding?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan on finishing ptp in the next few weeks :) There are maybe two chaps left, the landscape & job-choosing.. I hope you liked this little family scene.. it shows quite a bit of how their dauntless dynasty will develop further..
> 
> Thank´s to all of you that waited patiently! (Or not so :D )
> 
> Thank you for reading & reviewing!!
> 
> Anna xx


	34. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Happy Valentines Day! I’m sorry this took forever. It was a strange mix of anxiety & procrastination... you chose which is worse :D

 

 

**Today was the day.**

The day I had worked towards since I was a little girl.

The day that would determine the rest of our future.

Our last test.

The fear landscape.

 

The room adjacent to the glass ceiling of the pit was filled to the brim with black-clad people that were buzzing with nervous energy. It was hot, almost stiflingly so in the late afternoon as I pushed through the throngs of dauntless to get to the part that was reversed for initiates and our instructors only.

It was almost over, all of the transfers and most dauntless born had already been through their landscape, starting with the lowest ranks and working their way through.

Dante had left the apartment early in the morning, still, a little creeped out by the prospect of meeting my father who, alongside my brother was responsible for administrating the tests today. I had stayed in bed, longer than usual, just trying to relax and not think of the impending horror that was the final fear landscape, or that my father, brother, and boyfriend would judge my deepest and darkest fears.

Great.

 

I had to push past the last members clogging the entrance, earning me annoyed frowns that turned to curiosity the moment they realized I was one of the initiates that would be providing the well-sought out entertainment. And suddenly, I was free, finding myself in the landscape room facing Ivy who was just coming back to reality with a start.

Walking out with shaky legs, she was immediately congratulated by my brother who couldn’t contain his smile. It was so obvious that he liked her, I asked myself how I could have overlooked all these little moments, especially their teaming up at Capture the flag.

A small smile resting on my lips, I turned to see Owen walk up to the door.

 

Each initiate would be injected and then left alone in the room itself. Since not only our minds were targeted with the final test, it was obvious that we would have to move around, either face our fears or calm our heartbeat down enough to jump into the next simulation. This time, everyone would be aware it was a simulation, not just the divergent ones under us.

 

I focused on Owen, who seemed to be on his second fear already. Arms outstretched to both sides, he walked, carefully setting one foot exactly before the other. From out here, it looked hilarious but I knew he was most likely balancing on a small steel beam somewhere up on the highest building in Chicago.

I had to give it to him, he was fast. Not even twenty minutes after going in, Owen was already on his seventh fear – and his last.

Startling awake, his eyes darted around the room in confusion before a small, shaky smile pulled up his lips and he came towards the door, staggering slightly. My stomach fell as I realized what this meant. It was my turn.

 

Giving myself no time for a sudden burst of self-doubt, or worse, panic, I stepped past Owen and into the room, catching Amar´s eye from where he was standing beside my father, scrutinizing the screens in front of him. He gave me a small nod, and a boost of confidence hit me. I could do this. I will walk out of this room victorious.

Dante was already waiting for me.

Taking his outstretched hand, I let him pull me close until our chests were almost touching.

“You ready?” He asked quietly, brown eyes searching for doubt. I gave him a smile.

 

“As ready as I´ll ever be, I guess.”

 

“Good.” Nodding to himself, Dante brushed the hair from my shoulder and I angled my exposed neck towards him. As he pressed the needle into my skin, his eyes never left mine.

“Be brave.” Dante stepped back, running his fingers over my cheek and he was the last thing on my mind before darkness consumed me.

 

 

**The first thing I noticed** was the steady dripping of water on concrete, the same little droplets of water that were now falling down on my skin after a day of heavy raining. The rusty old pipes that ran along the ceiling in my room were leaking, and I couldn’t even get up. Shivers raked down my body as yet another droplet of ice cold water hit the bare skin of my thigh; the temperature outside must be below freezing. I was disorientated, my body was shaken by a new coughing fit, muscles hurting from the strain that were the metal cuffs that had severed almost all the skin from my wrists. I tried to turn around, but I was unable to move.

I was chained to the concrete slab they called bed, in the basement a warehouse deep in the factionless sector of the city.

 

No…

No, I wasn't.

 

With one single revelation, the feeling of coldness vanished, and the cuffs sprang open. I jumped from the concrete and swayed my head through the run-down room, searching for a weapon. All there was, was an old wooden chair and a few

I took a step forward but stopped short, looking down at me.

My body was barely veiled by an over-sized, torn shirt and a pair of panties. Exactly the same I had worn that awful day, and the day of my sim training. The thought flitted through my head that half of my family was watching right now, alongside with my mentor and my boyfriend. That wouldn’t do.

As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I was back dressed in black, the same uniform I had chosen this morning. Satisfied, I crossed the room and grabbed the chair, smashing it against the wall. It broke and all that remained was one leg, splintered, with a sharp point. Now all I had to do was wait.

The familiar echo of heavy boots coming down the hallway was my cue. Gripping the leg, I positioned myself in front of the door, far enough away that I could gain momentum.  The second I heard the key turn, I readied myself and as the door opened, I slammed my body into the factionless, burying the chair leg in his abdomen. I felt it slicing through flesh until it hit a bone but didn’t stop to watch him bleed out, no matter how desperate I wanted to. The clock was ticking. I ran down the corridor until a door appeared and I threw myself against it.

I burst into the other room – and found myself back home. I stopped short, confused.

Why would I be back home? There was nothing to be afraid of. Unless…

 

The clanking of metal from the kitchen had me listening attentively. There were voices, hushed whispers. I inched forward, careful to not step onto the creaking spot halfway through the hallway. Before I rounded the corner, I took a deep breath and readied myself for whatever sight may await me.

But nothing could have prepared me for the reality.

Standing in the doorway, with an unrestricted view into the kitchen, I froze on my spot.

There he was, my father, the leader of Dauntless, naked, covering my mother's equally naked body in chocolate frosting before bending down and slowly, as if it was the most delicious thing ever, licking up her skin. My mother´s giggling resonated through the room as he pushed his way between her open legs, a hungry expression on his face while her long, red hair falling down the countertop. I unfroze.

 

“ _OH MY GOD! MOM!_ DAD!” I shrieked and threw my hands up to cover my eyes. It was too late though; the scene would forever be burned into my memory.

A myriad of curses flew through the flat, followed by a loud clank, most likely of the bowl full of frosting falling to the ground, and a female shriek. I stumbled back into the hallway, bumped my hip on the drawer and fled the apartment, my chest burning with such humiliation, every single cell of my body seemed to tingle with it.

I would never be able to look at dauntless chocolate cake the same way, ever.

 

Unlike the last time, I woke with a start. My eyes darted around the room and I sat up, asking myself why I was lying in an infirmary bed. It was a single room, with no one around but me. I looked down at my hand, scrunched up my nose and pulled the IV needle from my skin. I had done this way too many times already.

The door opened.

 

“Lexi. You´re awake.” Dante came into the room, a relieved smile on his face. I snapped my head up and tried to ask him why I was here, what was happening, what the sim was about.

But nothing came out.

I tried again.

I heard the air rush from my lungs, but no sound.

Nothing.

 

A sharp stab of panic hit me, seizing up my insides. Why couldn't I speak? I can speak! I overcame this, it is in the past!

Mouth slightly open, I reached up to touch my neck. But instead of skin, my fingers skimmed over a bandage, the flesh underneath it throbbing painfully. I snapped my gaze towards Dante. He stood in front of the bed, hands on the railing. I stared at him, expectant, frightened and watched how his knuckles turned white with strain. Dante’s eyes met mine before he looked away, jaw gritting. The look of pity that crossed his face had my heart racing in my chest. He needed to tell me what was going on, right now!

I threw my pillow at him. It hit his head and Dante caught it, sighing as he placed it down on the bed. His voice was quiet, pained.

 

“You had an accident,” Inhaling deeply, Dante let out a shaky breath. “Your trachea was injured. Luckily they were able to repair all damage, you’ll be fine in no time, but your vocal cords… They were damaged.”

He can’t be saying what I think he is. I stared up at him with big eyes. “I’m afraid you won’t be able to speak ever again. I’m so sorry, Lex.”

I snapped back, extremities tingling, numb, my mind blank. Then I realized what his words meant and if someone hit me with a freight-train, the impact couldn’t have been worse.

 

Doubling over in the bed, I raked my hands through my hair, fists pulling on the strands.

This can’t be happening.

No, no, no, no, _no_ , nononono….

I couldn’t do this, not again.

 

I knew it wasn’t real, but the simulation hit me hard. This… this was the place I never wanted to return to, be it in real life or in the sims. I could deal getting hit, I could deal with someone touching me but this...

I could never deal with being broken ever again.

My breath came out in short gasps and I hung my head between my knees. I was chanting in my head, trying to get rid of all these panic-causing thoughts by repeating the same three words over and over again.

_This isn’t real._

_This isn’t real._

 

“This isn't real," I whispered, the iron-clasp around my heart bursting open, I took a deep, freeing breath. And like a house of cards, the sim around me imploded, shattered into its smallest components.

When I opened my eyes, everything around me was black, I couldn’t even feel the ground I was sitting on. It was as if I had been catapulted into nothingness.

The only materialized thing in front of me was a door, illuminated by an ethereal glow. Slowly pushing myself up, walked towards it, something like instinct telling me that behind this wooden portal lay my innermost being, concealed by my worst fear. Taking a deep breath, I clasped the handle and pushed it down.

 

I stepped into the pit that was empty. The stone walls were their usual dark shade of grey, but the lack of bustling life made it feel almost alien. This wasn’t part of the compound I grew up in, this wasn’t my home. Not without my fellow faction members. At least they would be, once I passed this final test.

I realized, looking around, that Dauntless wasn’t a place but a state of mind. It wasn’t just being brave, or going through simulations or eating cake in the cafeteria. Dauntless meant family. And my family meant everything to me.

A sudden movement in my peripheral had me whirl around, suddenly I wasn’t alone anymore.

 

There, amidst a crowd of faceless men stood Dante, his hand enclosing Sammys. My stomach plummeted. Behind them stood the members of my family, each one kept on gunpoint by one of the creatures. Only the two in the middle stayed unthreatened, but it wouldn't stay that way, it couldn't.

 I had known that something like this would come, it was almost always the fear of losing a loved one that weighed the heaviest on someone's mind. I was no different.

 

"One life for theirs." He spoke, his voice dark and without emotion. He raised his hand, revealing the item. He wanted me to shot one to save the other, the rest of the family, and myself. But how could I possibly choose between the two that meant the most to me?

Then I realized, what he just said

 

"One life? I have to end one life for them all to survive?" I questioned and the faceless man nodded, holding out the gun. I stared at it before taking it from him, clicking off the safety.

A slight smile grazing over my lips when I looked up to where Dante and Sammy stood.

 

"I love you. All of you." I said before raising the gun to my own head and pulling the trigger.

 

 

Coming back into reality was like emerging from deep water and getting splashed by a bucket full water simultaneously, and I inhaled sharply, looking around the room somewhat dazed. Loud cheering came from outside, while Dante hurried from the small room adjacent where he had watched my fears alongside most of my family members. His face was a strange mix of terror, embarrassment, and humor. He bit his lip, and I furrowed my brow when I saw that he tried to stop grinning. 

Looking into the room, I realized why.

 

With his hands crossed over his chest, his face a suspicious shade my father did his best to avoid looking in my direction. My uncle was standing beside him, but with his back to the monitors, while my brother was grinning at me, a shit-eating grin on his face. I felt mortification rise in my guts

 

“Four fears…” Dante shook his head, his expression eliciting a strange, warm feeling deep in my belly. He looked proud.

“Impressive. I didn’t expect anything less. Well,” he grinned, “I have to say though, I hope to never see your fears again.”

 

I let out a laugh. “Believe me, I don’t ever want to go through _that_ again. Especially not in reality. I was thirteen…” A shudder raked through my body and Dante laughed out loud, shaking his head.

 

“Nice…” He scrunched up his face, mirroring my expression. Taking a step forward, he looked down at me, his face becoming serious. I cocked my head, asking myself what he was thinking.

“Meet me in the new part of the compound. Thirty minutes.” He whispered and shoved something metallic into my hand. Closing my fist around it, I nodded and hid it in my pocket.

 

“Okay.”

 

"Good. And I love you too." Brushing his thumb over my cheek, his smile was almost sad but with another nod, he went and joined the leaders again.  I walked out of the fear landscape room, smiling at everyone that congratulated me. I would have to be okay with being touched today, dauntless were more than just a little touchy-feely. It was a part of becoming member of this faction.

I made my way over the glass roof, through the pit and into the newly added part of the compound, a new apartment complex. Pulling out the metallic item Dante had given me, I found that it was a key. Scrutinizing it closer, there was a number on the head, and I went on, searching for the door it belonged to. I found it, a generic black door, like all the ones of private apartments. Pushing the key into the lock, I was nonetheless surprised when it turned and the door opened. Stepping in, I looked around in wonder. The flat was big, almost like my parent's apartment, fully furnished with a beautiful big kitchen and a huge living room. I trailed my fingers over the large dining room table, the wood smooth beneath my fingers.

I knew, Dante had requested a bigger flat but seeing where he’ll spend the next years of his life was something different. The future felt real all of sudden.

The door behind me fell shut and I spun around to find Dante leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest.

 

“Hey.” Biting my lip, I walked closer to him.

 

“Hey.” Mirroring my smile, he pushed off the wall and came over, slinging his arms around my waist. "How do you like it?" 

 

Leaning my head back, I looked around the room with all it#s dark, minimalistic furniture. "It's beautiful. They did a great job with all this."

 

“They did.” He nodded thoughtfully, eyes trailing over the furniture. “Seems like making the factionless to workers did work out well.”

 

"It did." I agreed. "I'm glad dad thought of it. It'll make all our lives easier in the end"

 

"Yeah… your dad is a skilled man…" Dante's face pulled into a shit-eating grin. I knew immediately what he was thinking

 

"Stop it." I warned him with a harsh look, slapping his chest. "Not a word." He pretending to zip his mouth shut but didn't stop smirking. It didn't happen every day that you caught the headleader licking frosting off his wife, even if it was only a simulation.

We fell into comfortable silence, both lost in thought and comfortable just being in each other's arms. After a few moments, he pulled back and I frowned.

“Whats wrong?”

 

“Nothing.” His reply was too fast.

 

“Don’t lie to me.” I pouted. “I know that something’s up. You’re acting a little strange…”

 

“I’m not lying,” Dante sighed, rubbing his face. “I just need time to sort out my thoughts. I had this all planned out, so please, let me say it.”

 

“Okay.” Surprised, but also intrigued and a little anxious, I waited for him to speak up. Dante let out a long breath, his face hardening in resolve he started speaking.

 

“I wanted to ask you if you want to move in with me. I know it’s a big step but the flat is already mine. We could even have a room just for Sammy. She can come and sleep here whenever she wants or Tris needs time to herself. She will have two homes and you never have to go without her ever again…

 So, what do you sa-?” I didn’t let him finish. Jumping into his arms, Dante almost didn’t catch me. He held me, with my legs slung around his waist

 

I pulled back, breathing heavily. “Yes.”

 

“Yes?” A shy smile pulled up the corner of his lips, his expression surprised. As if he didn’t dare to dream that I would say yes.

 

“Of course, I’m going to move in with you! What did you think?”

 

“I don’t know.” He muttered, bringing his lips back to mine. “I just thought that maybe you wanted your own flat, or…”

 

“Stop talking.” I commanded, capturing his lips between mine, my fingers in his hair. “Just… just let us celebrate.”

And he did. Carrying me into our new bedroom, Dante kicked the door shut behind us, not once stopping kissing me.

And celebrate we did.

 

 

"You're late!" Ivy hissed, linking her arm with mine, pulling me through the crowd. I was smoothing down my hair, trying to make myself look presentable for the announcement of the rankings. Dante and I had forgotten the time, losing us in each other with no regard of the outside world. I had to rush to the cafeteria to not miss it entirely, just like Dante who had to be present as one of the instructors. We ran here, hand in hand and he kissed me one last time before disappearing into the crowd.

“I was busy.” I informed her, flattening out my shirt.

 

She smirked at me. “I bet you were.” Rolling my eyes, I decided to ignore her just when an arm slung around my shoulder, pulling me into a sturdy chest. I turned my head to find Sam grinning at me.

 

“Almost missed the rankings, huh?”

 

“Not at all.” I countered, bumping against him. “The first ranking initiate wouldn’t miss her hour of glory now, would she?”

 

“A little over-confident, don’t you think, Miss first-ranking-initiate, huh?” He teased, laughing. We both knew I was joking. But from what I had gathered, though Dante didn’t give anything away, I might not be so far away from the truth. There was no one else with four fears, not even close.

From across the room, I caught Rob’s gaze who was standing beside his twin. I gave him a thumbs up and received a smile in return. After all that he did for me, he deserved to do well in the rankings.

My father jumped onto a table, followed by Uncle Tobi, Ben, and Theo, who all stared down into the crowd, Dante beside them. Behind the table, I spotted Amar, George, my Mother, and Tris with Sammy on her arm. Harper and Jeff on the other side of the room, his hand resting on her almost visible little bump, while they chatted with the twins. Right now, everyone that meant anything to me was in this room, waiting for the results of our fear landscape.

My arm tightened around Sam and he gave me a reassuring smile.

“Everything’s going to be fine.” He assured, gently pulling me closer to him.

 

“I hope so.” My mutter was drowned out by my father’s loud voice.

 

“This day marks the end of our three-month initiation process.” He started, letting his gaze wander over his faction that was gathered before him. “It was a long one, interrupted by a myriad of happenings in- and outside our faction. The threat of the factionless is scattered, also with the help of our initiates.”

“They have proven themselves to be worthy of being called dauntless! And now, without further ado, we shall see which

 

The rankings appeared on the screen behind him, the bottom one first. It was filled with alien names, mostly transfers and the lone dauntless born, Kathy, Candy, and Kitty. The next one was Lyssa, then Cat, ranking somewhere in the middle, followed by the male transfers. Avery came in ninth, then Riley, Alex, Jackson, Josh. Ivy screamed in joy over being third, and I didn’t trust my eyes. Rob was fourth and Owen second. On the very top, beside the number one was my name.

I was frozen in a sea of raging black, screaming and shouting in joy. And I felt as if my chest should implode from all that happiness, all that pride. I caught my father’s eyes over the heads around me and for the first time ever in my life, I felt like I had lived up to his legacy. I was no longer the odd one out, but one of the highest ranking members in Dauntless. I had found my place.

 

Sam lifted me into the air and I felt his laughter rumble through his chest. “You did it! You’re the first one!”

I joined in, laughing, bursting with happiness as I was passed around, hugging my friends and congratulating them for their ranks until another tradition was passed onto us and we were grabbed and raised into the air. Feeling the sea of dauntless beneath me, I closed my eyes and reveled in the feeling of freedom. I had my whole life to look forward to, my future was safe. And I knew, without a doubt, who I would spend it with. 

And for the first time, since I was fourteen, I felt complete, whole.

I was no longer broken.

 

 

We had been celebrating in the pit for hours, drinks flowing freely. I had danced with all my friends, had to listen to my brothers teasing about one particular fear and just enjoyed having the time off before I would have to choose a profession the next week. I feared it wouldn’t be what my father would choose for me. But I had watched my mother struggle with the new ambassador for months, and I had the feeling, she desperately needed help. I had thought about it quite a lot and decided to try it out. If it wasn’t for me, I could always change professions, no matter if I was still in training or not.

I was just about to pull Avery on the dancefloor again when my father appeared and the music was turned down. We all turned towards him, slightly inebriated, but everyone knew better than to interrupt my father.

 

“We have another tradition here.” He spoke up, voice booming through the pit. “And that is to offer our highest ranking initiate a place in the leadership program. They will train under a current leader, and either take over their position once they chose to retire or become a junior leader to oversee different sectors and programs.

With that, I would like to offer our first ranking initiate, my daughter, a place as a leader in training.” He raised his hands from where he was standing on the large rock, I let out a low breath.

 

Despite already suspecting that he would offer me a place among the highest ranking members of our faction, the sheer enormity of attention he placed on me that moment was overwhelming and I felt even worse for having made up my mind. Being drunk only helped a little

I took a step forward, continuing to look into his eyes as I slowly shook my head, sending him an apologetic smile. Dad furrowed his brows, regarding me closely.

 

"I feel honored to even be considered for this position, I truly am, but we all know, me becoming leader would be a _terrible_ idea.” This earned me a few laughs from the crowd and I gave my father a crooked smile. “However much I would love to follow in your footsteps, I heard that a certain woman in Amity is just asking for an ass-kicking, and with your permission, I would love to teach mom a thing or two about diplomacy." Sending a good-humored smirk to where she was standing beside my uncle and seeing her clasp a hand over her mouth, half-laughing, half-crying, I knew I had made the right decision.

 

"Okay." Only allowing his lips to curl up in the slightest, dad jumped off the boulder and came over, slinging his arms around me. Returning his hug, I buried my head in his steady chest, remembering all the times I had done the exact same thing as a small child. He smelled the same still; a mix of cold smoke and his signature perfume, and suddenly I was this little girl again, long before I knew what pain or loss meant. Just happiness, content of being the beloved child of two wonderful people, part of the biggest dynasty dauntless had ever seen.

 

I had paid the price for mine and my family´s mistakes, I had let others pay for theirs. We were even. Now it was time to live, to stop taking count of wrongdoings, just waiting for an opportunity to strike back.

Justice had come and it had prevailed.

But this, all of it had always been about family.

About our faction, our blood.

Standing amongst this raging sea of black that made out the people most important to me in this world, I knew that we were all the same, that this was where I would finally be happy.

No hate, no revenge.

Just a sense of belonging.

And unconditional love.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the last chapter... I have an epilogue planned but I don’t know yet when I will be able to upload it, considering this one took so long to complete…
> 
> I can’t even begin to describe how much this story means to me, or how much all your continuous support has helped me finish this series. As of now it is 310 word-pages & around 162 500 words long. That’s twice my original work :D
> 
> Not to mention Faction before Blood which is 82 k & 154 pages.
> 
> I want to thank you, for reading this, for continuing to support me & the story even though it took me a long time to come back to this, I just wanted to gift this to you as a Valentines present :P
> 
> I’m currently busy editing, but I might go back & write a bit for undoing, but no promises :D I’ll try my best.
> 
> I love you all, and don’t forget, for all of you struggling with your situation, or your own mind, if Lexi can do it, you can to!
> 
> Until the next fanfiction!  
> Anna xx


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